SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I'm a long time reader but first post. Long story short three years ago after finally having enough of my ex wife's cheating we filed for divorce. We have both moved on and co-parent well together. Everything in life seems to be going great and I'm enjoying the new life I have built for myself. In the last year I have ventured back into the dating world. I have dated two women that I was very interested in but both times it ended the same way with me being unable to advance things in the bedroom. It's like my confidence in the bedroom is completely shot and I freeze up when the moment arrives. It's not a lack of desire or ability to perform but I just can't get past it. Any ideas or thoughts? Will this just pass with time?

Welcome out of lurkdom! I'm pretty sure this is a common problem. You're saying this is mental for you and not physical correct?

Are you in IC? I bet a good therapist can help you through this.

And yes, it will most certainly pass if you do the work that needs to be done on yourself. You've been through hell, and of course your confidence is shot. We've all been through it. I'm still trying to iron those kinks out myself.

I'm sure some men will show up and chime in with their experiences. Just be advised this place can be a little slower on the weekends.

Thanks for the reply Whothebleep. You are correct it is just a mental issue and not physical. I have been really into these two women and I just can’t get past it. Both of them have said in the end they were into me but got tired of waiting around on me to make a move. This was never a problem before or during my 11 year marriage. I haven’t done any counseling but I think that may be the next step.

Welcome~

I'm slightly confused-when you say:

It's not a lack of desire or ability to perform

got tired of waiting around on me to make a move

Assuming you are in otherwise good health with exercise, blood pressure, etc. how old are you?

No problems masturbating?

Based on your above comments did things ever progress to the bedroom and it stopped short of intercourse or it never even got to the bedroom?

Most people should (?) understand nerves with a new partner and getting to know each others body, etc. but what kind of time period are you talking about in these two women getting tired of waiting?

I think more context can help us all offer our insights or experiences!

AnnieOakley I probably should clarify. Neither of these occasions made it to the bedroom and stopped at fooling around on the couch type of thing. I am 37 and in relatively good health otherwise. It would be like she show all the signs that she wanted things to proceed and I would do nothing. Even though everything inside me wanted to.

I found it a bit difficult after leaving my STBXWW. We had always had a pretty good sex life, but after her A, it was like I felt guilty for moving on. I was fine with the start, but just could not finish. It was like I was numb. In order to round home base, I had to work with the intensity of an Olympic bobsledder. My GF was understanding, and secretly liked the extra action, but I felt like something was missing. After a while it got better, but never fully went away.

We only dated for a yearish, so I dont know how it would have progressed. I'm hoping my next relationship will be better. I think it's all in my head. Just give yourself permission to process the trauma. It will take time...

Neither of these occasions made it to the bedroom and stopped at fooling around on the couch type of thing

So it’s just the thought of intercourse that stops you? I think a good woman who is truly into you would understand, so long as you were honest and upfront about your struggles. If you didn’t elaborate and just left things hanging, it’s understandable that the woman in question might have felt somewhat rejected.

I think communication is key, even in the bedroom. Had you spoken to them, chances are, they would have been able to reassure you, and helped you relax.

Ya karma fan that’s it. I just freeze up in the moment. I do need to do a better job communicating that. It just seems like one of those subjects that seems embarrassing to admit. You know, a man is supposed to be assertive and take charge and admitting that I’m struggling with it is not easy.

Kudos on your courage to post here and for raising such a sensitive topic, that takes guts! I too, as a female (much older than you) have struggled with getting to the point of sex with men I am dating...not because I don't want to, but because I freeze up and think it's too soon....or maybe I'm just not that into them.....I want to feel the 'rip each others clothes off' urgency and sexual attraction, and for me, I just haven't felt that yet, despite going on multiple dates since my divorce. But that's ok, I will know when it's right, and I believe that you will too. I'm still having fun dating, and although I miss the intimacy that comes with sex, I am not going to have sex just for the sake of having sex....Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

Hi. Although I haven’t gotten that close yet, I understand the freezing up part. I have felt it in my body..

I feel. MYself pulling away when I sense things can go farther.

For me it is confidence but mostly fear. I have only been with my ex in the last 30 years. And sex has not been a part of my life for a long time.

I have become seriously rusty, and I guess I need a level of trust before I go into the bedroom. Trusting people is not so easy anymore.

Someone stroked my hand last week, I was stunned at how nice it was.

I have considered taking a “get in touch” with your sensual self class. Maybe that is an idea... perhaps find that one thing that is blocking you?...

And I agree you are brave to post about this.

After being only with my XWW for 20 years, I started dating a woman from OLD. On about the 4th date, we were making out on her couch, and I tried to advance things along, and she told me that she thought that I wasn’t ready yet. I was thinking that you can tell me that you’re not ready, but how can you be in a position to tell me that I’m not ready. I didn’t say that out loud though. We spent the next hour talking about our marital histories with all the gory details. Until that point, I hadn’t told anyone else all the gory details, just a high level summary. We started making out again, but she stopped me again when I tried to advance things along. We chatted some more and I left. I think that she was surprised when I asked her out again. That next date, we advanced things to her bedroom, where things proceeded just as JustSomeGuy described, raring to go but no home run. I told her that she was my first after my XWW, and she responded that she had thought so. While she seemed to be enjoying my, err, newly occurring problem, I was a bit surprised and embarrassed by it because I had never taken that long before, like at least an hour or more, broken up by a number of time-outs called by her.

Contimprovment, my only suggestion to you would to be upfront with the woman you’re dating about her being your first after XWW, but she is probably going to be sensing it anyway.

[This message edited by Alonelyagain at 6:33 AM, March 14th (Sunday)]