SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was recently in a situation where I couldn't figure out if a man was awkward/terrified of rejection or just not interested. For the future, it'd be helpful to be able to know the difference before wasting time and energy, lol.

Women: Do you assume he's not interested and walk away to save your dignity? Or do you try to take the lead and do the initiating because you're hopeful that things can develop eventually?

Men: if you're not able to be blunt, how do you show a woman you're not interested? How would a woman know to take the lead if you are interested and just shy?

I started OLD January of ‘20.

I dated one guy for 3 months in the summer. I have met in person only 4 other men to this point. So saying that...it seems like some will “float”...would be nice to meet in person at some point...type of comments. Taking CV19 into consideration as well!

Not reeealllly asking me out. Just sorta testing the level of interest??

I’ve had that sort of comment from at least 4-5 others, my response is along the lines of...I agree, sounds great! The ball is now in their court to specifically ask about next steps. Either crickets immediately or shortly thereafter. And I certainly did not contact them again or ask for specifics on their calendar availability. If I don’t get a reply for 3 days from someone I’m messaging with-I’m gone. I’m not desperate, but I’m serious.

When I first started in January last year, I had no problem in sending first messages to men and eventually suggesting coffee or wine. ZERO luck in the first month/45 days with 50+ message exchanges. I stopped. So either I was conversing with fake profiles (!) or even though some men say they would love to be asked out...I don’t know that I really believe it.

Not sure if that helps, what was awkward about your interaction?

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 11:50 AM, March 1st (Monday)]

I don't have any experience with OLD but lots of experience with people who behave this way. It is my opinion after struggling with this issue that it just does not matter whether these men are uninterested or awkward as the outcome is the same--you doing too much. They are showing you who they are--lazy, entitled, timid, uninterested, passive, insecure, or whatever else it may be--and none of those are qualities you are looking for. Invest your time and energy in those who seem to deserve it. If I had taken my own advice years ago, I would have saved myself a lot of frustration and hurt.

When people show us who they are, we need to accept it even though we are disappointed. We need to not make excuses for poor behavior so that we can get the outcome we want. The good ones are worth waiting for. Good luck!!!

As a woman, I think if a man is too shy as an adult to force himself to make a move, then I would take that as he is not interested ENOUGH and that is all I need to know. I would guess if it is that intense of a shyness, he probably is like that in other areas of life and that would be something difficult to live with in a partner anyway.

That being said, it is good to let them know we are interested. Did you give him any openings? It is so awkward in real life for both men and women to navigate.

Can you give a little more detail of the situation?

Women: Do you assume he's not interested and walk away to save your dignity? Or do you try to take the lead and do the initiating because you're hopeful that things can develop eventually?

I would walk away. I have learned from experience that if a guy is not communicative, only sends neutral messages/gap fillers, keeps you waiting for days, chances are, they are just not that into you. I agree with Annie Oakley on the three days timescale: that’s usually a very good indicator of someone’s interest (or lack of).

I certainly wouldn’t waste any time wondering if it’s their shyness or fear of rejection or whatever other issue making them so elusive. Online dating is hard enough as it is to make excuses for people you haven’t even met!

Is this still the Valentine’s card guy out of interest? Or someone else?

I am a firm believer that when a man is interested he will move mountains to get time with you. When they don't they just aren't that into you.

I have a friend who's been OLD-ing for years and she chases the crap out of these guys, assumes they're intimidated or aren't sure she's interested and it never pans out.

Men like to pursue no matter what they say otherwise. They only seem to value someone they work for - so I never do the initiating.

OLD is full of ambivalent people who are simply testing the waters. I think there are tons of people on there who aren't single or fully out of their last relationships and not really ready to date - they just want to see their options.