SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Are you safe?

i chime in just to say i'm safe. My husband is too much of a gentleman to hurt me, even if I deserve it completely.

Now I am at home, for a few days I will give space to my husband.

Whatever happens I will try to do everything possible to clean up the mess I have created with my own hands.

I will update you in detail later.

Its good your safe, now what about your husband is he safe?

Please make sure he gets ASAP some support. Whether online or elsewhere. It seems he needs it immediately.

[This message edited by LoveMyHusband at 3:54 PM, March 15th (Monday)]

Double Post

[This message edited by LoveMyHusband at 2:31 PM, March 15th (Monday)]

this story is depressing on many factors. you said your AP got off to the humiliation of your husband. but what about you? you're the married woman. you said the sex was great. why was it so great? because you enjoyed humiliating your husband as well. you got off to it. you loved every second of it. you really can't deny it either, as this affair lasted for months.

the moment your AP said something about humiliating your husband was the moment you should have ended it. now as long as he stays with you, your husband will always remember just how much his wife and that POS of a boss of his enjoyed humiliating him.

i seriously hope your husband is ok if you indeed confessed to everything. report his boss please! inform everyone of just how much of a POS he is. so his business takes a huge hit.

Otherman has a good point, when he was talking bad about your husband what did you do/say? your husband may want to know that. Oh and other this story was so sad it looks me and Lovemyhusband came out of the shadows on this one. This is my time ever.

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:44 PM, March 16th (Tuesday)]

WS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:23 PM, March 18th (Thursday)]

Otherman has a good point, when he was talking bad about your husband what did you do/say? your husband may want to know that. 

darkwof

There was a thread about weaponization of sex. And I was thinking, isn't her affair the same? A different form or expression of this dynamic. Very often an affair it's a power game played by the wayward. Maybe unconsciously. Maybe they didn't intend but did it anyway.

you said the sex was great. why was it so great? because you enjoyed humiliating your husband as well. you got off to it. you loved every second of it. you really can't deny it either, as this affair lasted for months

Look at her affair. The humiliation of her husband, her being sexually aroused by the degradation, her deriving sexual satisfaction, I suspect the high was not due to her AP's performance or status, it was a means to an end (of emasculating and humiliating her husband), but due to this power game. So, isn't it sexuality and sex used as weapon?

I don't know the dynamics of her relationship but I'm quite sure that if she looks deep enough it can be also seen in her attitude towards other people too. She might also benefit from looking and critically examining her sexuality. She should also look and deeply examine her relationship dynamics with her husband but other relationships too (alao platonic ones).

[This message edited by LoveMyHusband at 4:41 AM, March 18th (Thursday)]

Im thinking he is trying to steal her from her husband. The phone call, him saying he was glad she was going to confess. And yeah LMH I think she got of on it as well. We have no idea what she said or did when he was talking bad about her husband.

Im thinking he is trying to steal her from her husband. The phone call, him saying he was glad she was going to confess.

I think it's something different. He's no better than her. In my opinion, he wants to destroy her relationship. So, he tries to make it sure. Once he succeeds, he'll drop her like a hot potato. He'll say any shit. Anything. This is classic affair dynamic. Two highly morally corrupted people taking advantage or better said make use one of the other. He is not interested, in my opinion, in a true, loving and caring, relationship with her. She is a means to an end the same way he is to her.

[This message edited by LoveMyHusband at 3:39 AM, March 18th (Thursday)]

I'm late in updating you but as how you can imagine the last few days have been hell.

Let's start with what happened on Sunday. I took my son to my parents while my husband was out with a friend of his.

I tried to prepare myself and not show my emotional turmoil to my son at least initially.

I told my mom that we would need her help for a few days with my son.

I went home and tried to prepare everything I had written for my confession (timeline, letter and all the messages / mails my AP and I exchanged). For a few moments I thought that I was going to lose my mind and that I couldn't hurt my husband like that. I am ashamed to admit it but in the last few days I have felt suicidal, I am trying to control these feelings because my son deserves a stable mother.

In the letter I tried to take on my serious faults and not place the responsibility on anyone (not even on my AP). I have tried to mention my AP as little as possible, not to defend him but because he is a stranger who shouldn't have had any space in our life but who I have horribly allowed to creep into the privacy of our home.

I tried to briefly summarize the milestones of my betrayal (which I then detailed in the timeline).

When my husband got home he immediately noticed something strange about me (I was trying hard not to cry) and the absence of my son. He was calm and peaceful but I was aware that this would be his last moment of tranquility. I felt like I was going to kill him.

I told him I had to talk to him and I immediately confessed that I had betrayed him, I didn't try refer to my affair as a mistakes but I told him that I made a horrible choice that I deeply regret. Already at that point the tears began to flow for the two of us.

He was absolutely shocked. He asked me the classic first questions "How long", "Why", "with whom". I was able to speak with difficulty in my tears and I handed him my letter and timeline telling him that he could find everything in those writings. I asked him if we could read them together.

I clearly noticed when he started reading the worst part. His eyes showed the feeling of horror and fear.

It took a long time to finish reading the whole thing. It was horrifying to see him so deeply hurt and curled up on the sofa reading the timeline. The only words he managed to say a few times were "Why all this hatred toward me?", "It's a nightmare" and "You two are monsters".

I tried to reach him but he asked me not to touch him.

We spent a few minutes crying in front of each other until he asked me if this confession was some kind of sadistic plan on my AP's part and if I was willing to and move him with him.

I tried to explain to him to the best of my ability that it was over between us, I showed him the messages where I leave him and I ask him in no uncertain terms not to contact me anymore.

The first night we left our son with my parents and, to my surprise, he didn't throw me out of the house. I had told him before that I would do whatever he thought necessary and if he did not want to see me I would leave. He told me no, that at least for the first night he would have preferred someone to monitor his reactions.

I want to emphasize that these days he has never threatened me (someone was worried about my safety) and never insulted me and rarely raised his voice. Wow, he manages to be a good man even in this situation.

I told him how much I admire him for it and how he is a special and wonderful man who deserves the best and tried to reassure him that I will do everything, for as long as necessary, to help him get through this horrible time and heal. If this means going through the divorce I will do it and grant him the easiest divorce ever.

He asked me "Why divorce? Do you want to go to him?". During the first few hours he was convinced that I wanted to leave him and run to my AP. Several times I tried to explain to him that this is not the case and that I did not want to see him again for the rest of my life. I also informed him that the following day I would go to a lawyer to send him an official NC letter.

He told me he could hardly believe me because after everything that happened he was convinced that I saw my AP as a strong and dominant man and therefore I was attracted to him. I tried to explain to him that none of this is true in what my AP has done or tried to do, rather it just proves that he is a person with a bad and terrible soul. And how, now that my AP has shown its true colors, this disgusted me and how ashamed I was that I allowed my AP to do this to our family.

The next morning he asked me to leave him alone for few hours. Before I left he asked me if there was any safe area left in our house... I mortally wounded him and now he doesn't even have a safe space to process everything that happened.

One good thing is that he accepted my help. These days he understandably fails to function properly and take care of himself. For now I am helping him in a functional way with the housework, laundry, cooking etc (even if he eats very little and is losing weight). I am happy that yesterday he accepted my advice to see a doctor and a therapist to try to help him. I have already asked my therapist to make an appointment for him in the next few days.

In the last three days we have talked very little, he wants to be left in peace and I respect this need of his. For now we have only talked about a few sexual details. The worst thing is that for once he asked me why all this hatred on my part and if he had done anything to make this feeling develop in the years. I told him that he absolutely must not think that he did something wrong that caused all of this. It is me (with the help of my AP) who caused everything for reasons that have nothing to do with him. And unfortunately he, despite being absolutely innocent, is faced with a mountain of pain and despair.

On Monday morning, he called his company and announced his intention to quit his job. He told me that just thinking about going back to that place drives him crazy.

Here is another consequence of my betrayal.

I told him I understood him and to take his time before thinking about going back to looking for a job. That I will support him financially during this time for as long as it is necessary.

For my part, I have exposed my betrayal to our families. In agreement with my husband we have not communicated any details.

They are obviously all angry with me and are trying to support my husband. He doesn't want to see anyone for now but he is talking a lot with his brother. He has a very close family and I am sure he will get good support from them.

For my part I started IC. My therapist was quite surprised to learn the various details. She said that in her career she has seen several horrible cases of betrayal (with friends, relatives) but mine is one of the worst.

She thinks it is ok at least initially for my husband to be alone for a while (she think he is still in shock and denial phase) but then he will have to try to come out and manage the situation. She clearly thinks he will need psychological support and has given me references from some of her colleagues.

Yesterday I went to a lawyer who was recommended to me by a friend.

He has already prepared a formal letter for my AP asking him to cease all contact with me and my husband. For now he has only done this because he will have to hear from a colleague of his who is an employment lawyer.

He told me, however, that he feels quite confident that my husband will be able to claim damages from my former AP for the psychological and moral damage suffered and for his temporary inability to work.

The problem is that despite everything my AP does not give up and is continuing to contact me. Or try to contact me.

I already wrote about his last call where he tried to apologize for everything horrible he said to me 2 weeks ago. Yesterday in the mailbox I found a letter from him in which he again asks me to leave and move with him.

I don't know whether to tell my husband about it or not.

Later I will try to call the lawyer to see if there are any details to proceed with a stalking report to the local police.

This is the situation for now.

I have seen some questions and messages from other users and will try to answer them later.

MAM,

As hard as it has been - you did the right thing by telling your husband the truth.

Regarding the AP attempt to contact you and the recent letter - share this with your husband and decide together how to respond. Also show it to your lawyer. Normally I would recommend no reply to the AP, but in this case perhaps a stop order from your lawyer is in order.

Again, look up the first pinned post at the top of the Wayward Side forum- Things that every WS needs to know. It may help you in the coming days.

You've done well so far. It may feel terrible for you right now, but the truth is laid out and now you can work on finding yourself again.

I will disclose to my husband about the letter. I'm only sorry that on the last day he seemed to have convinced himself that I never wanted to leave him for my AP and now there is a letter written by the AP confirming his fears.

I'll have my lawyer get back to him.

Be clear it was a letter from AP - he is desperate because you have gone no contact so he is trying to write you now.

Share any communication from AP with your husband. Decide together what to do.

My AP wnet crazy on me and she even wrote letters to my new house after we moved. It was terrible. Finally took us going to police and lawyer.

Good luck

MAM -- please try to take comfort in the fact that you are doing everything as well as you possibly can. I would ease up on the offers of divorce; you were right to say it, but if you keep repeating it, he'll think you're hoping to run away. Other than that, it sounds like you're doing everything that I would recommend to you. Most importantly of all, you are giving your BH the full truth in a single blow. As gutting as it is to have caused him such pain, imagine allowing him to start healing and then smashing him to the floor over and over again, next week, next month, next year. That's what trickle truth does to a BS. It's literally the only pain you can spare him, and the first step away from being a monster is to do exactly what you're doing and not chicken out. An affair is an act of abuse that feels like love; telling the truth is an act of love, even when it feels like abuse.

I'm glad that you are remembering your son. Hold on to your love for him. Your husband is in no condition to support your child through the loss of his mother. You may not be wanted right now, but you are badly, badly needed

He told me he could hardly believe me because after everything that happened he was convinced that I saw my AP as a strong and dominant man and therefore I was attracted to him. I tried to explain to him that none of this is true in what my AP has done or tried to do,

I'm not sure it's important at this point, but you did clearly state his strong and dominant personality was what attracted you and compromised your boundaries though. No?

And how, now that my AP has shown its true colors, this disgusted me and how ashamed I was that I allowed my AP to do this to our family.

I'd be careful with this statement. If I'm your husband I would think what if your AP didn't show his true colors? What if a man with your AP's strong personality and "who takes what he wants", is also a thoughtful and compassionate man. If I'm your husband, I'm thinking the only reason the affair hadn't continued or you haven't left me for AP is because of your AP's significant personality and character flaws, not because of me. He was magnetic, sexy and "irresistible" UNTIL he revealed the dark side.

If I'm your husband I would conclude you're only confessing and choosing me, not because of who I am or wanting to be with me but because you found AP to be mean and ruthless. It's easy to say you would have chosen your husband after the fact, but he can only go by how things played out. So, essentially it comes down to the current state of affairs was predicated upon AP's evil and faulty ways, which once fully revealed you realized you could no longer manage and control the affair without it getting out of hand.

I'm not saying these things to remind you how bad the affair was, but that the quote above could insinuate to your husband that only the luck of the AP's dark side coming out is what saved him, not necessarily the love you had for him and wanting to be with him. I'm projecting here on what I would think, not necessarily that your husband is definitely thinking this way. Nonetheless, just be aware of how he could be reading it.

You've made two strong moves. You ended the affair and you confessed. While weak, meek and vulnerable in the affair, you have countered with strength and courage. Recognize this and allow the momentum of fortitude drive you forward. Acknowledge this as it is a reminder of what you're capable of that's positive.

[This message edited by Jorge at 12:39 PM, March 18th (Thursday)]

I just wanted to say, I know this hurts for both of you a lot right now, you have made some good steps towards gaining back your integrity and redemption. You are doing all that I can think of, and echo BSR in saying don't bring up divorce anymore. Offering to support the family so he can have some time to recover was absolutely the right thing to do. You have started moving in the right direction.

It does get better. If you can afford to, try and go to individual counseling, start figuring out how and why you were able to do this so you can work on bettering yourself. If you continue to have feelings of suicide, go talk to your doctor. Monitor your husband closely too. He will need a lot of care and help.

I don't know if you live in the US but if you do, here is the suicide prevention hotline, there are always people there to talk to: 800-273-8255.

Just a little update. I'll give you later a more detailed update on what has beed going on on the last few days with my husband.

My former AP is continuing to chase me. I talked to my husband about both the letter a few days ago and his most recent attempt to contact me by email. My lawyer sent him a formal letter last week asking him to stop any contact.

Yesterday while I was in the parking lot after work who did I find waiting for me? Yes, my AP. I immediately told him to leave me alone and that I had no intention of talking to him.

He grabbed my arm and started (raising his voice) saying that he loves me and will never give up. He also said he did everything he did to make sure my husband couldn't forgive me.

Eventually I managed to escape (he hurt my arm a little) by getting into my car and driving away.

He was very angry/aggressive.

I am worried about my my husband's safety.