SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

81 days since D Day. I had lived a double life having casual sex with online meet ups for most of the ten years we have been together. It is killing me to watch my betrayed wife in so much pain. She has wonderful family and friends that have been supportive of her. I have taken 100% responsibility for my actions and only blame myself. I understand deceptive sexuality as a form of domestic abuse. I am not a stupid person, but I was never able to see what potential harm I would cause. It is highly possible that I will lose my wife and split up my family(3 kids together).

I am in IC and MC and I have read multiple books on SA including "Out of the Dog House" by R Weiss. I obsessively listen to podcasts and read articles on SA and infidelity. I have not found any local groups to meet with like SAA, but I continue to look for additional support. I have told my closest friends and family what I am going though, but I feel so alone still. I feel like I let everyone down most importantly my wife and children ages 2-8.

I have no appetite and cant sleep at night. Today I couldn't stop crying when leaving the house to go to work. I have to hide the tears around the children.

Neither of us are very religious, and I think that might make the chances of reconciliation harder.

Any WS have any advice for surviving this period? Does it get better? I am in love with her, so how can I survive her leaving? Any optimism or hope would make me feel better, but no need to sugar coat. The thought of breaking up the family for good is world shattering. Please let me know how it worked out for you.

***I think I clicked so WS only can respond, but I am kind of new here so if that's not right let me know.

Yes, I understand where you are. And, yes it can get better - but that only happens by working on yourself.

You do not have control over the outcome of this relationship. But, operating in fear is not going to fix the problem either.

I was in misery probably most of the first year. It wouldn't have taken that long but I kept spinning my wheels and defeating myself.

There were many tools I used to finally start to crawl out of the hole I was in, but they aren't what you think they would be.

1. Deal with the lack of "happy chemicals". You are used to getting high from the cheating whether you realize that or not. This is a source of depression and you can't get better in that state. For me, I took vitamins (being low in certain ones can effect brain chemistry) and I started running even though I had never done so or liked it before. I found that if I did that 3 or 4 times a week it kept my brain stable. You may actually need depression medication from your doctor depending on how much you can do naturally. But, you are fighting a lot with your brain chemistry and you won't win that fight without the right tools. Do not hurt yourself, and do not hurl your shame and pain at your BS, you need to get stable so you can be her rock if she lets you.

2. Do not live in fear. To me, this means get a plan together for being able to be on your own. It's hard because these things can really activate past trauma, especially if you have abandonment issues. (And the same happens for the BS but it's much worse). So, this means IC to work on your healing but also really sit down and have a plan for the practical things in a divorce. Do not give up at this stage, but having a plan will help with Fear. Fear is actually your enemy right now. It will keep your propensity to manipulate rather than to be brave, work through your issues, try and make amends and take accountability. You can't get to those places without getting brave. Your wife just had her world blown up, get yourself stable.

3. Read, watch podcasts, take an active effort every day on learning, improving, being there for her. Figure out your whys and hows and work like hell on them.

I found for me, the more I focused on doing the right things day to day the more I felt better about myself. The more I felt better about myself the more stable I got. The more stable I got the better equipped I was to help my husband and our marriage. Do not wallow in this place, the more action and work you put in the less time you will have to spend in this mental space you are in.

It can and does get better. Embrace the learning and healing, and let go of the outcomes. Much easier said than done, but it's the only way through that I know.

It's not the end of the world. Whatever happens from now on, you're not the first to go through it and neither is she.

Does it get better?

I don't think anyone here can give you an assurance on anything in regards to your life.

But. Whatever happens. You can be sure that it's not the end of the world.

Work hard on fixing up; for yourself, for your kids. It's going to be fucking hard for a long while. But. Again. It's not the end of the world.

If either one of you is having suicidal thoughts, please, please, call a professional and get help for that.

On a practical level. Maybe separation would do you both some good? Distance to find your feet.

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 3:18 PM, March 9th (Tuesday)]

This is an amazing time to get with any 12 Step program- Zoom meetings guarantee that you can really minimize the distracting options that make it easy to dismiss meetings as “inconvenient.”

As such I would suggest you continue looking for meetings, and remind you that you DON’T have to limit your search to local ones.

The flip side of this is that stepping into a Zoom meeting MAY be more difficult than a physical one. But once again losing such fears is one of the really great outcomes of entering a 12 Step program.

I don’t think anyone here wants you to believe this will be easy. But the most challenging things in life are the most rewarding.

You may find yourself without the partner you thought you would be with for your lifetime- Don’t forget how you got to that point, but at the same time remember that you have spent time “alone” on this Earth and there were likely rewarding moments in that time. You stand to gain what you’re willing to accept.

Thinking of you and hoping for strength for you and your family.

It does get better, but it will not be soon and it will not be easy. If you are still together, that's something.

At this point, your two priorities are to be what your spouse needs, 24/7, without complaint or comment. Be accountable, open, honest, and forthcoming, and be prepared to be all of that in exactly the same way every day. Because of the selfishness of your past life, you may find this hard, but it gets so much easier as you focus.

Your other priority is to determine why you did what you did, and be ruthlessly honest with yourself. Something was missing, something was wrong, but you could have soothed yourself in any number of ways that would not destroy your loved one. Read books, get therapy, but also sit with yourself and connect dots going back as far as needed.

But don't use your learnings as a crutch or an excuse. Use them to put your past behavior in perspective so that you can have the confidence and insight to live a better, richer life.

What you did is not who you are. It's what you did. It is only going to define you if you keep repeating your mistakes.

Understanding yourself better might help your BS recover, but it will certainly help YOU recover, and in the sad event that your relationship is not sustainable, you will be better prepared to accept that consequence.

The best thing I can tell you is this: that shameful part of your life is now OVER. It isn't you anymore. You are free to be what you could and should have been. Use that newfound freedom to truly love your spouse and to do your work.

Best of luck.