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My BH and I were talking about my lies, betrayals and my infidelity. One topic that continues to come up when we are talking are the inconsistencies of my explanation about my infidelity. He does not believe that my AP is who I say it is. A little back story - 7 years ago I got very drunk and sexted with someone I had met at a meeting through work. He has the same name of someone that was in a karate class with us at that time. My AP shared other things in common with this person as well. They both liked the same sports team and in the sexts I called the AP sir. The man from our class would sit in between my husband and I at the dojo, would make inappropriate comments and made pelvic thrusting gestures behind me that my husband witnessed. My husband believed that I made up the man from work and that my AP was the guy from our class. Years later, after I lost our home due to a foreclosure, I ended up sexting with the man from our karate class. At the time I believed I was reaching out to the AP from the past. I had received an email from the man in our karate class with his phone number. I believed the email had come from my AP. My husband did a reverse look up with the phone number that I had sexted and learned it was the man from karate. I was shocked. I took a lie detector test and failed one question. The question was about the man from our karate class. I've written timelines but they are all different. I understand that it's not acceptable and there are consequences for my behavior. I was drinking a lot back then and I don't have a strong memory of my sexting. My husband has been trying to move forward with me but cannot get past the inconsistencies. He has asked me to be honest with him so that we can move forward. I have been honest with him. I see how my experience looks like lies. And I have lied to my husband so much in the past that I understand why he thinks I am still lying. My husband is trying. We have better days sometimes but the hell I've created is always present. I'm not sure what my question even is. I know he deserves the truth. I have given it to him. I am sorry for the pain and destruction I have caused him and our family. I want to move forward as a family.

No stop sign,

Hey OP, your BH doubts are warranted, not just due to the initial lies typically told by WS during the early days of d-day, but because your story is just so "unlikely" that it's bound to raise suspicions.

Do you still have your first AP's contact info, or know whether he has a social media account? Finding the man at this point seems to be your only option in clearing this mess up. I obviously don't recommend doing that unless you have your BS on board, since you'd be actively looking for the guy.

If your still working in the same workplace, or still in contact with anyone from back then, maybe give them a call or email and ask whether they remember "AP", and if they know how to reach him. I don't think either of you actually need to talk with him, finding a picture and name may be enough to help your BS move past this detail and finally start healing.

Outside of that, maybe ask whether your BS would be open to doing a poly. I know it's not always a sure thing, but it may help if the above doesn't work out.

I think the biggest problem here is not whether you were sexting the one or the other, it’s that you were willing to do it AGAIN.

I think the biggest problem here is not whether you were sexting the one or the other, it’s that you were willing to do it AGAIN.

Maybe so, but the BH not knowing/believing who the original/intended AP was IS a big problem. Possibly the biggest problem in this particular BH’s mind. We can’t speak to what his biggest issue is.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 11:19 AM, March 14th (Sunday)]

I took a lie detector test and failed one question. The question was about the man from our karate class.

What was the question you failed?

The lie detector test does not detect lies or truth. It actually detects what you think is true or not.

For example, if you think that 2 + 2 is 5 and you answer this question like this, the lie detector does not see you as lying. So you must know that you are really lying for the question you couldn't get through the lie detector.

disgustedbyme,

First, I'd suggest asking a mod to put the stop sign up. That means that BS's are not allowed to reply, only other WS's such as myself, who have walked in your shoes and faced similar issues and challenges.

I'll just be honest with you, your story doesn't seem honest to me. I don't say that to be mean, rather, as a random stranger on the internet who read your story verbatim, it doesn't smack of truth to me, and if even I can't believe it, then I don't see how your husband is supposed to. I find it difficult to believe that you were texting the wrong guy. But what I believe, and to be honest, what YOU believe, is irrelevant when it comes to your husband and marriage, and I'll tell you why I say that.

You DID text both guys. You did. Now, you may not have intended to message the other guy, that's possible. For the sake of argument, let's say that you really did message the wrong guy and have no idea. The fact is, whether you intended to or not, you DID text both guys. The fact that you couldn't even keep them straight kinda makes it worse honestly. Imagine if your husband was having an affair with a blonde woman, and then you found out he had sex with another woman, and he said, "OMG! I had no idea it was another woman, all I knew was that she was blonde!" Does that seem like a comforting statement to you?

Look, even if all of this is the truth, as I said, it doesn't matter. All WS's have to go through the same process of accepting who we are and what we've done. One of the hardest lessons to learn in this process is the difference between what "is" and what is "perceived", and understanding that what is perceived, is, for all intents and purposes, the truth, at least when it comes to understanding others and the emotions they feel.

Here is what I suggest. Instead of getting defensive and trying to get your husband to believe you that the other guy was an accident, try just owning the fact that neither of these men should have ever been sexting with you, either on purpose or by accident, and that the entirety of that falls on you. Your husband didn't do anything wrong here, he is the victim. The fact that you didn't know who you were texting with makes you less trustworthy, not more. Own that. Take the approach that your husband absolutely does not have a reason to believe you and that you cannot blame him for that.

For what it is worth, and to help explain my point, if some guy at karate practice started to hip thrust at my wife, he wouldn't have to worry about me, as my wife would punch him dead in the face. Not because she respects me, although I'd hope that's part of it. No, she'd do it because she respects herself more than that. I trust my wife because she is authentic, loves and respects herself, and knows who she is. She demands better for herself.

Your job moving forward is to give him reasons to believe in you again, and in order to do that, you'll need to come to terms with how and why you came to the point in your life where it was okay to have an affair. He will believe you when you respect and love yourself, and him, enough to be believable. Until then, his perception is truth.

So your husband thought you were having an affair with the karate guy. Then,years later, you accidentally sexted him?

Why did you have karate guy's number? Especially if your husband witnessed his inappropriate behavior..

He does not believe that my AP is who I say it is

I read a few past posts. He doesn't believe you because you lied to him about who the AP was.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:25 PM, March 14th (Sunday)]

Thank you all for responding. I kept the stop sign off as I want to hear from everyone. I am no longer at that job and do not have his contact information. He did not work with me. I had contact with him at a work meeting. He worked in a different county. I agree that one of the biggest problems is that I sexted with more than one person over a period of years. I had witnessed the devastation I had caused yet I continued with the behavior. Daddy Dom - thank you for your feedback. I know how ridiculous I sound. I try and answer his questions directly yet I still have a defensive tone. My husband calls me out on it all of the time. I know I have no defense for my behavior and I want to move forward with my husband. He wants my actions to change and is tired of hearing me talk. Six months ago I lied about work. That lie undid all of the work that had been done on repairing our marriage. I consistently set us up to fail. I am committed to helping him heal. I truly want our marriage to work. Hellfire- he doesn't believe me because I am a liar. I haven't demonstrated that I am a safe partner. He has every right to not trust me. I am responsible for the state of our marriage. I want to be responsible for healing our relationship too.

Disgusted, I can believe that you may not have fully known which OM you were reaching out to. But I don't know if it matters because what you have described is still an inappropriate relationship with the karate OM. Why didn't you move and sit next to your BH when he tried to sit between you? Why didn't you stand up for your marriage? Why didn't you drop the class after he made inappropriate comments and gestures? I think you know why and perhaps it's why you failed that question on the polygraph.

Why did you have karate guy's number saved in your phone?

And, yes, he doesn't believe you because you are a liar. But, you did say in your very first post on this site, that you lied to him about who your AP was.

Nekonamida- I didn't see what my husband was seeing. I talked it all away. Why? My own issues with self esteem. I didn't think anyone could or would see me that way. I just brushed off karate guys behavior. I compared it to my brother's behavior and guys just being guys. I now see how inappropriate that guy was and how stupid I was to not stand up for me and my marriage. My husband has pointed out that I dismiss his concerns and he is right. I didn't see things correctly and my husband pays the price for it.

Hellfire - I had karate guys number becuase he had sent me an email a few months prior to me using it. The email was generic and said that it had been awhile since we had chatted. I assumed the email was from my AP. I wrote the number down because I knew I had to share it with my husband. I had just lost our home to a foreclosure and told myself I would discuss it with him. Well I am too much of a coward and never shared it with him. On Mother's day I was having a pity party and was stuck in my head. I used that number that night believing I was reaching out to the AP.

Ok, so maybe you didn't see it that way. But then why did you dismiss your BH's concerns about it? Is it at all possible that you liked the attention or had some attraction to karate OM?

My husband has the same questions for me. I am not attracted to the guy from karate and am not comfortable with the attention I received. My husband talks about those ego kibbles with me often. I don't know if it's because of my childhood sexual abuse or not but I find attention like that to be uncomfortable and I dismiss it. I dismissed his concerns because of how they made me feel.

I dismissed his concerns because of how they made me feel.

What do you mean by this? How did they make you feel?

Would you be willing to share what the question was on the polygraph about the karate man that you failed or say why you think you may have failed it?

What would he require to believe you?

Have you asked him directly what would convince him?

It’s not enough that he asks you to be honest and you tell him you are being honest. What can you do to establish trust? If he doesn’t believe you then ask him what he needs. As is it’s a no-win situation.

I have to admit that based on what you share then it’s extremely confusing and I can understand why he has his doubt.

Some of your comments and word-usage concern me: Your username. Your statement that YOU caused the foreclosure. I see a lot of self-blame and self-depreciation. I think your affair is totally on you, but why are you so insecure? I think there could be the key to why you can’t avoid men that are into karate and have similar names…

He requires proof. Proof that I am not lying. He wants the attention that I gave to my APs. From my perspective he wants out but is too broken to do anything about it. I do not want our marriage to legally end. I want him as my partner. As for the self blame - it's accurate. I did lose our home to foreclosure. My husband was blind sided. And my username - I am disgusted by my behavior. Why am I insecure? I would say that my insecurities stem from my childhood sexual abuse. My father molested me as a child and raped me when I was 20. I didn't tell anyone about it but have always had issues with my self esteem. My father caused those feelings within me but I am responsible for allowing them to control me. I am responsible for my choices in life and have acted in an unforgivable manner.

Your story sounds like a lie.

It takes intentional work to store contact info, dig it up, keep it on a piece of paper, call it, sext it...

You are an adult. You know what you did and who you did it with as well as the reason.

Your BH is calling out your dishonesty because it is blatantly obvious. Stop being dishonest. It is clear that you are minimizing and trying to act like you didn't know when you put work into knowing who and saving their contact info.

First step is to stop being dishonest. It's obvious.

What proof? Ask him to be specific. Does he expect you to get a signed affidavit from the OM? Find witnesses? What proof? Would a poly be enough? Ask him what proof would suffice. I have a feeling it’s an excuse to remain in a funk rather than a real need for “proof”.

Reconciling is HARD WORK both for the WS and the BS. Either he wants to reconcile – and if he does then he too needs to be sensible and logical – or he wants to divorce. In the later then your proof has no value whatsoever.

How did you single-handed get your home into foreclosure? He really had no knowledge or participation in a process that is quite lengthy and complex?