SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This guy has been a friend for several years, going back to when I was still with the idiot.

Because he has character and so do I, we were more surface-y friends because I don't think it's appropriate nor does he, for a married woman like I was, to be close chummy friends with a single man like him, like that.

He was legit just a friend until I realized about a month that I kinda liked him. I thought hm... lol I've been liking him ever since.

We had an adult conversation yesterday.

I told him that I was taking a risk fucking up our friendship but I needed him to know this.

I told him that I liked him. I liked him in a way that was different from how I like other male friends (some of whom he knows and are also his friends, I named them off lol "I don't feel this way about Bruce, Timothy, Ken. Just you.").

I didn't tell him this to see what his response would be, or to try and get something started with him. For once in my goddamn life, I was being straight with a man, with no expectations or hopes of a certain response, not trying to evoke a specific reaction, no manipulation of any kind.

I told him this because it's true, and I need to be truthful and honest. I'm not going to pretend any more that I don't feel a certain way, for the good or the bad, when I know that I feel that way. I'm not going to say "oh he's just a friend" when I know that how I feel about him, is very different than how I feel about other male friends.

I told him also that I was in no way, shape or form ready to be in a romantic relationship with anyone or even just casually date. I have a lot of work to do yet on myself in a lot of areas.

But, I want to be his friend on a deeper level and get to know him better. I like him, I told him "you tick a lot of boxes for me" LOL.

He is also not ready to be dating for some other reasons, but I can tell that he likes that I like him. He was neutral as far as his response went. He didn't say, "I don't feel the same towards you at all" and he didn't say "please run away and marry me".

Today he came by for something, he was finishing up some paid work he had done for me. He was all smiley to see me. I asked if he would like a cup of coffee and he said yes he would. It took me a minute to get the coffee made and by time I walked out with it, he had finished the small task he came to do and was packing up his tools.

I asked would you like to come sit and talk with me and he said yes. So we sat on my patio and talked about nothing big and drank our coffee. There was zero tension. There was zero anxiety. It was the calmest, most peaceful half hour you can imagine.

There were no expectations, no emotional hangover from the day before. I had a thing that needed to be said and I said it and he accepted it without freaking out. We were just two friends having coffee, nothing special except that yesterday, one friend said they liked the other one. It was an accepted fact. That's it and that's all. It was super nice.

We talked about a trip I'm taking and he asked how I would get to the airport. I said I'm driving myself, I have it all planned. He said you don't have to do that, "there are people who will drive you" LOL (like you?? "people" LOL). I said no it's fine, I have it planned. He said but then you have to pay for parking. I said it was fine, that God provided me the money for that.

I could see the wheels turning in his head so I gently but firmly stopped him and said, I need to do things for myself, that I can do for myself. I said this is part of the process that God has me on, that I told you about yesterday. If I need help I will ask. The things I can do for myself or want to do for myself, I will do myself. He laughed and said ok your choice.

He finally got up to leave as he had to get back to another job site and I could tell he did not want to go. He thanked me for the coffee. I said "you don't have to wait for something to break and come over to fix it as an excuse to come here. I like you and I like your company so if you want to come over and hang out with me, I'd like that. Just text or call." He got all smiley and said ok.

It was pretty epic.

I love stories like this. Shines some light to those of us in darkness.

I've always had the good ability to be friends with women. Have had lots of friends that were either failed attempts at "more than friends" or vice versa. Even had a few from dating sites. Never had one turn out this way, but that's ok a friendship is still a positive, the way I look at it.

Please post updates will be following.

This is so sweet and wholesome and made my heart happy. Please keep us posted.

I came back here to re-read my own post and think about myself in my pink top and him in his work clothes and ball cap, sitting on my patio drinking coffee this morning. :) And smile.

My eye fell to the date I joined. March of 2017. I was so destroyed and in such horrible pain. Never would I have imagined this. A day where the ex makes my skin crawl and I hope to never see him again. And where a new guy can catch my eye. And apart from either of them, my life is so full and happy that I just can't even put into words.

It's amazing. Nothing short of a miracle. Beauty from ashes.

I love this <3

Never would I have imagined this. A day where the ex makes my skin crawl and I hope to never see him again.

Oh God I feel this. I tried SO hard to polish the turd of my marriage, to get my ex to see AND care about the pain he was causing me.

And now I look at him, and he really does make my skin crawl. He's a nice-looking man but he just disgusts me. I can't believe I ever handed him the power to hurt me like that.

Being free from all of that mess - its just like a second chance at life. I'm free, I can breathe, I can be myself free of criticism.

As a guy I will tell you that what you did gave him mixed signals. From my viewpoint, you should have taken him up on the offer to let him drive you to the airport. He was making a gesture to show you that he likes you as much as you like him.

He wasn't asking you to marry him.

Westway, you pissed me off. LOL.

1. He didn't offer to take me to the airport. He asked, "Why are you driving yourself? You don't have to do that. There are people who would take you." Of course he meant himself. But he didn't offer.

Offering to take me to the airport looks like, "I can take you to the airport if you like."

2. But let's go ahead and pretend that he actually offered to drive me. Guess what? I am allowed to decline offers of help.

3. It's not my job to caretake his feelings and make sure he is "all good". I'm not going to accept an offer of help (which he didn't even offer) just so he feels good.

4. I told him I wasn't ready and that I need to do things for myself, and that's exactly what I'm gonna fucking do. If he can't handle being told that I'm doing things for myself then he's not the man for me.

5. He offered to fix an irrigation line and I accepted that offer. Why did I accept that offer? Firstly because it's a reason to get him back to my house LOL. And also because it's not something I can do on my own, so, drumroll....ting! I need the help!

6. I made it clear that I liked him and that he didn't need to wait for something more to break to come by. I said I like you, I like talking to you, and I like your company, so if you want to come over and hang out, say so. I said it THAT DIRECTLY TO HIM in those words. So, no, there were no mixed signals.

[This message edited by freetogonow at 11:09 AM, April 8th (Thursday)]

Agreed Westway.

Early on in the "I like her, does she like me" phase, guys will try to do small things in lieu of verbally saying what they feel. All of these things are little tests to see if you are receptive to him or pushing him back. Talking about being an independent woman and wanting to do things for yourself, while noble and true, send the message of "I'm putting you back in the friend zone".

It's not fair, but it's how a lot of guys work.

You handled it perfectly, Freetogonow. I remember how dependent and terrified you were when your ex left. Nope, you are honoring yourself by doing for yourself, and this new man clearly understands that. We cannot create drama or need in our lives so that the men who love us can feel useful or demonstrate their devotion. They need to feel loved and good enough just by being them, and that's on them to figure out. This is what my IC would also say. Love is not about being needed.

You go, girl!

It's not fair, but it's how a lot of guys work.

They can learn to do things differently. We all can.

I'm excited to see how things progress over time. Keep us posted!

OwningItNow--I remember you!!! Yes, I was SO insanely co-dependent as well as sickly dependent on him and terrified to let go.

NEVER AGAIN.

I am unrecognizable to who I was 4 years ago, trust and believe that.

For someone at this site to suggest that I'm obligated to accept help which I don't want and which hampers my own growth, so that a man doesn't get mixed signals? Fuck. That. LOL

I'm responsible for doing what is best for me.

I directly said to him---I like you. I have feelings for you which are different from the feelings I have for other men friends. I want to get to know you better. I'm not ready for a relationship just yet, nor even dating, but I want to be your friend on a deeper level. If you want to come over and hang out with me, I'd like that so speak up and say so but I'm not gonna get pushy with you about it. I like your company and I like talking to you.

I don't know how much more fucking direct I could have been, but no, I have to accept a ride to the airport that he didn't even offer, to protect his ego? Jaysus. Hell to the no!

Also if you didn't get it from this post, this is a guy who has some difficulty expressing himself and being direct. He couldn't come out and say, "I'd like to drive you" or, "Would you like me to drive you." No, he had to vaguely refer to some abstract "people" who might help me.

Fuck that too~! Say what you mean, spell out what you want! It's not my job to read your fucking mind! I like you but I ain't anticipating your wants and needs and desires, dude!

So whether or not this has legs, who's to say. I like him and that's as far as I've got. I haven't figured any of the rest of it out yet.

I'm just saying those are things guys do to gauge interest. He doesn't sound like the right one for you...nor does it sound like you're ready for a relationship yet.

Guys are not perfect, they have baggage too. Most guys tend to be awkward around someone they like, say clumsy things, interpret things differently than intended. If he were Mr Perfect he wouldn't be single.

[This message edited by BetrayedGamer at 8:18 PM, April 8th (Thursday)]

BetrayedGamer, there is so much wrong with your post that I scarcely know where to begin.

1. “Hmm it doesn’t sound like you’re ready for a relationship...”. Really? Why would you have examine all the data and come away with this revelation? Could it be perhaps that I specifically and bluntly made that statement myself, up front? Lol. So I guess my thought here is, “well no shit Sherlock...”

2. “If he was mr perfect he wouldn’t be single”. Wow just wow. Translation: “ Being coupled up is evidence of the health of someone’s psyche. There must be something wrong with him or he wouldn’t be single.”

Good Lord, I’m filing your ID under one whose advice to NEVER listen to.

Awe, what a great story!!! I love a budding romance, so full of hope and promise. He sounds sweet <3

Good luck! Keep us posted :)

Why would he need to do these little tests to see if she was interested when she TOLD HIM she was interested in out-loud verbal words directly to his face? LOLOL I hate games. FTG I think you handled the situation just fine.

It just clicked that this was likely sitting next to in church guy.

I think you handled it all very well. While I agree his wanting to assist in the airport thing was meant to be helpful and a sign from him that he also likes you, you communicated your whys and also let him know directly that this wasn't a sign of disinterest on your part. Hopefully he learns a thing or two about the usefulness of directness from you and takes you up on hanging out in the near future.

Yes!! It’s the sitting in church guy ❤️❤️❤️

He should know the following because I literally told him these things directly from my mouth in these words.

I like you. I’m interested in getting to know you better. I like you in a way I don’t like other male friends. I’m not picking out white dresses. I’m not ready to date but I want to get to know you better. I like talking to you. I like spending time with you so if you want to come over and hang out, say so. I don’t want to be pushy or in any way burden you so if I’m being that way, please say so and I’ll bug off. I need to do things for myself and pay my own way for things. I don’t want to use it exploit your servants heart so I cannot accept free work or repairs from you (this guy is so handy that he could build a house from scratch).

FTGN - This is awesome... just awesome awesome awesome! And I am so very happy for you - not just for the butterflies (which is the best), but because you are experiencing them in an honest and authentic way that speaks to the healing and growth you've done. And doing them in a way that sounds healthy for YOU.

Even if nothing ever happens in a romantic way, it sounds like the beginning of a happy meaningful platonic relationship and that is a wonderful thing too.

Also, as a very direct woman, I think you were perfectly frank and open about your feelings and it sounds like your gentleman friend appreciated your directness (to me anyways).