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I’m hoping for advice about my new beginning.

We’ve been seeing each other 14 months, and have so many good things in our relationship. Amazing chemistry, similar humor, similar interests...and trust!

We both have kids. I have 3 from my marriage. He has two. His oldest was an oops when he was younger, and his youngest is from his marriage. His oldest lives in our area, his youngest lives 5 hours away, due to his ex moving her and the child away while they were still in the middle of their divorce. She told him she’d go broke fighting him in courts to be able to move their child. He didn’t feel like this was in anyone’s best interest, including his child... so he let her move him. He has a lot of regret and inner conflict there constantly from this.

At the 11 month mark, we introduced our families — with the exception of his son who lives out of state. It went way better than we could’ve hoped and we’ve since had several great weekends together with our families (his oldest + my 3).

It’s very difficult to see each other during any given week/wkd, because of two things. 1- he works nights and I work days and 2-we live 45 minutes apart. For the distance thing alone, it really only makes sense to see each other if we’re going be stay the night here or there.

After several times of us getting our families together, we finally did a sleepover with all of us. The kids had been asking a lot to do it. I slept with my kids in a different room than him and his kids. They had a blast. It was so refreshing and nice after what we went through with my exWH for all of us to feel some joy again.

With summer coming up, he’ll have his youngest visiting for all the holiday wkds, including a 2 week stretch in July. I tried to plan with him on doing fun stuff together with our families during some of these times, and he is ... reluctant. I invited him to bring his kids up to stay at my house on 4th of July, and said we could make a big day out of it with swimming and bbq, etc.. and they could stay the night here (again, each of us sleeping with our own kids and not each other).

He then basically told me that was out of the question, because his ex wife wouldn’t be ok with that. And didn’t give me much enthusiasm about getting together with us in general. This has come up before and at one point he said “youngest kid doesn’t even ever have to know about you, because I barely have him”

I told him that I respected his need to handle the intro with youngest at his own pace.. but it can’t be that we NEVER meet. That’s not ok with me, and if that’s how he needs things to be then.. again- I respect it but can’t have a relationship like that. He agreed that it wouldn’t be never. But also basically told me that he’s afraid of youngest being upset, and he feels guilty doing anything but concentrating on youngest while he’s here, because he doesn’t get him that often,

I totally respect those feelings and can 1000% empathize, but I’m struggling with my own needs for our relationship and don’t know how to handle it. SO only gets 10 days off a year, and uses them all on these long visits with youngest. They also happen to be on all the holiday weekends. So what I’m looking at is basically never getting to spend time with my SO on holiday weekends or on the one long stretch of vacation time he gets, because his youngest will be visiting. It just feels... crummy. I was so excited thinking we’d all have so much fun together this summer... and he has a totally different view on it.

I feel like he’s letting his guilt hold him hostage. And he’s not allowing himself to really truly move on. I will flip this and say that as a mom myself, I will not like it at all when exwh brings a serious girlfriend around my kids, and especially overnight. But I also recognize that we’re divorced now, and as long as I don’t feel like the woman is a threat to my kids, I don’t really have much choice. We didn’t divorce and make a vow to never date again (exwh didn’t even honor our married vows!)

I’m struggling big time with all this. I feel like part of being in a relationship is living life together. Not that you should be each other’s ONLY life by any means. But it’s depressing thinking of all these long wkds going by this summer and not even getting to see each other and enjoy any of them together. I’m not asking for the whole wkd or whole 2 wk vacation, but a day or two out of each doesn’t seem unreasonable to me.

Kids are always first priority, and I would never ask him to do something he wasn’t comfortable with ...But also feel like In a normal healthy relationship, I’d be looking so forward to doing these kinds of things together with him and our families. But in this relationship, I don’t feel that way. Just sad that we’re going to spend nearly every holiday apart until if/when he decides to let youngest be around us.

I know this is ridiculously long, but I’m just looking for advice: am I being a brat? Or justified in my feelings?

It sounds to me like he values protecting his son. This is not a bad sign in terms of character. If the reason is to protect his son from too many changes too fast.

Why not just enjoy the relationship as it is. If you guys continue to get closer, things will change. But its only been a little over a year. And right now, his son is the most important person in his life... that may change later, but for now this does not seem awful.

Of course, post more if you find out more information.

How old is the youngest son?

How long have they been divorced and doing the holidays/2 week summer visits w Dad?

I look at it that he is treading lightly due to his child likely being a conduit of information back to his ex. If they have a contentious relationship (which it sounds like it could be), then "keeping the peace" is probably more important than "family time" with you guys.

He doesn't get to see his child that often, so I would be reluctant to intrude on his parenting time.

I think it's important to communicate your needs and hopefully come to a compromise. It may not be as much time as you would like, and it may take him out of his comfort zone, but compromise is essential to any good relationship. If this were me, I would propose something on neutral ground (maybe a picnic in a park with a hike, or fishing or something), and it would be one day or afternoon during the visit, leaving him with ample time for 1:1 with his child. Neutral ground would mean that his ex really couldn't object, either.

Cat

It comes down to you respectfully accept his decision. Clearly the XW holds the cards and he doesn’t want to jeopardize his time with the youngest child.

That’s the way the ball bounces in this relationship.

If that doesn’t work then you need to move on.

SO only gets 10 days off a year, and uses them all on these long visits with youngest. They also happen to be on all the holiday weekends. So what I’m looking at is basically never getting to spend time with my SO on holiday weekends or on the one long stretch of vacation time he gets, because his youngest will be visiting.

I KNOW it is hard to see when you are in the thick of it all....but you will blink and these young years of both of your children's lives will be gone.

At this point of his life, he feels he needed to dedicate those few days per year towards his youngest child who he rarely sees solo. I admire that. His time with him is so limited as it is.

I know you are very disappointed that you won't get to share those times for now but I totally get what he is doing. Sounds like it is hard enough with his ex without adding to it.

I made it very clear when I was dating (and had under 18 yr children at home)...that would come first. If the guy was looking for more than I could do, then I wished him well because it wasn't fair to either of us to force that.

So that is what you need to decide. Can you live with this until the child is older? Your SO has been clear on what he needs to do. Thank goodness for honest people!! If you need more, then this probably isn't the right time for this relationship.

I hope that isn't the case. Sounds like you really like this guy and he is asking for solo time just to concentrate on this child. Sounds like a good dad.

Although you can’t really begrudge him wanting to spend time with his child, you do find yourself in a sticky situation in that there isn’t really an awful lot of time left for you to do, or plan things as a couple. What you describe is what I had with ex bf: a weekend only relationship due to distance and conflicting parenting schedules. Our relationship was lived on a spreadsheet and it did take a toll in the end.

This has come up before and at one point he said “youngest kid doesn’t even ever have to know about you, because I barely have him”

This would bother me. A lot. It’s a very insensitive comment.

If doing things as an extended family is not something he’s particularly keen on, then you need to ask yourself if you are prepared to wait until he either comes around to the idea, or your kids are of an age (i.e. teenagers) when it won’t matter so much.

Is it a dead end? That's for you to determine. Ask yourself what kind of relationship you want (without taking him into account specifically). In SAF's perfect world, what is your ideal relationship? Then ask yourself if you will have that with this man. If you won't, are you willing to settle with what he's willing to give?

Short term, you can make do. But long-term, it will eat at you and you will be unsatisfied.

Personally, I wasted 19 years with stbx, being unsatisfied (including when I didn't know he was cheating. I was not enriched by him in any way). At this point in my life, I would rather be single than settle for less than what I want in a relationship.

I still say have a discussion with him. It's worth it, and maybe you can come to a compromise.

Cat

[This message edited by Catwoman at 12:46 PM, May 5th (Wednesday)]

SAA-

I think as a parent he is doing what's best for his younger son. You can chalk that up to keeping the peace with the ex, or just not exposing the son to new partners, or just wanting to spend that very limited amount of time focused on the son that he does have with him. I honestly think its the latter.

That is definitely hard on you, but it does speak about his character, at least as a father. My current girlfriend waited a full 12 months, in fact a little longer than that to meet my kids. I set that parameter up with her at the beginning b/c I didnt want to introduce anyone to my kids that was not going to last so that I avoid introducing multiple women to them.

If everything else is going well, you need to sit down and have the conversation with your BF. It sounds like you get along, and the kids that have met each other get along great. Don't let this small window of an entire year ruin what you have going. Honestly, if I were him, I'd probably feel like you are being a bit needy about this subject if him spending time with his son bothers you.

Its not like he's out at the bar with the boys, or he's out swing dancing b/c its his hobby. He is navigating this with his son that he only gets to see in a very limited capacity each year.

You say that in a normal healthy relationship you'd look forward to doing things together. What is unhealthy and not normal about your relationship. On one hand you say you've got a great relationship, chemistry, humor, interest and trust. Its this one thing. He has his son for 2 weeks out of 52. That is only 4% of the time.

Think about what you want and then have the conversation with the BF. I guarantee you he is looking at it from the stand point of protecting his son, and protecting his precious time with his son which is limited. Look at it from the other side. We absolutely destroy cheating husbands and wives for introducing our kids too early to their affair partners, or skipping out on their kids to spend time with their affair partners. We call them shitty parents. Now you have a BF that is the opposite of that, what should we make of that? Can't speak out of both sides of our mouths on this subject.

Sit the BF down, and see if you can come up with a compromise and set a date for when he thinks he will feel comfortable introducing you and everyone, and then go from there.

Good luck

Communication is critical regarding this topic. One the one hand, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is being a stellar Father to the child he rarely gets to see, and taking into account that you only introduced the families 3 short months ago, it's probable that he's not ready to introduce his youngest son into the mix yet.

But the comment "This has come up before and at one point he said “youngest kid doesn’t even ever have to know about you, because I barely have him” is VERY concerning to me...it's beyond insensitive, IMO it's inferring that you are not important enough in his life to warrant being included in something that is obviously important and valued to him.

I'm hoping that this comment was made and/or taken out of context, but you definitely need to initiate a conversation expressing your concerns about his intent to NEVER introduce you to his son. If he confirms this to be true, then you have a decision to make, as WhoTheBleep says....can you accept this fact and are you willing to settle for that? If not, consider moving on before you invest any more time in this relationship and before your 3 kids become any more attached to this man.

I understand putting a child first, but some of this just doesn't sit right with me.

The fact that he said his son didn't even need to know about you is a huge red flag. Is he going to have the rest of his kids pretend you don't exist when he's around? Does that mean he won't consider marriage in the future because his son can't know about you? What happens when his son does eventually find out about you? His son might feel left out and lied to. If he's willing to lie/hide to his son about someone he says is important to him, what might he keep from you?

Yes, it could be a really difficult relationship with his ex. I've seen first hand toxic exes try to control someone through their children. It completely sucks. But by allowing her to impact his life, he will always be at her mercy. Which means, you also will be subject to whatever he feels is best to keep the peace.

I've just gotten to the point that if my SO was allowing an ex to impact our lives that much, then he obviously isn't ready for a real relationship. Our relationship should trump the exes feelings. If she tries to withhold their son, then he should man up and fight for him.

That's just my opinion on the matter. I acknowledge that I am short on patience today and low on tact.

I understand your feeling but I agree with the sentiment that he is protecting his son.

I am of the school you don't involve kids in dating relationships. I've heard it and seen it so many times and it does affect them to have an adult come into their life, get over the hump of taking them into their heart, and then the devastation if the parents have to move on. Not to mention the pressure on the parents to keep a relationship going because of the discomfort of telling the kids 'sorry, you are never going to see so and so again', in what would have otherwise been a clean break. Also, a year or two in their life is a 'llfe-time' of knowing someone.

The child and dad deserve one on one time with just them and the stepbrother or other family members. JMHO. If you decide to take this to the permanent commitment level, then it would be time for a re-visit. Even with that, with the son still being young, and such limited time, he needs his dad's undivided attention.

am I being a brat?

No, you are just working on navigating your new life, there is always something it seems. It sounds like a nice relationship that it is possible to work around, but only if you WANT to. Good luck whatever you decide.

Maybe if you’d only been together 4 months, but this is 14 months of dating!

14 months and he doesn’t want you to meet his son.... I hate to say it, but it kind of sounds like he doesn’t think this relationship is going to last... if he did, he wouldn’t mind meeting you and your children somewhere with his son. It sounds like he doesn’t want his son to get attached, and then y’all break up, but it’s ok for your children to get attached to him. That really makes me angry for some reason. Plus, it’s only a 5 hour drive!!! He should be driving to see his son at least 1x-a month-staying in a hotel where his son lives, then he wouldn’t need to completely shut you out to have quality time with his son.

On the overnights, I do see his point, in fact in my state, SC, there are no overnights with boyfriends/girlfriends, it’s part of the customary child visitation guidelines.

I think I would not answer any of his calls between now and when his son gets here. It will give him time to be alone, to think of his life without you. I think he’ll make a decision that he wants to be with you long term and will want his son to meet you. It’s been 14 months!!!I’d also plan on a vacation with my kids for the 4th of July and when he calls you after his son leaves, I wouldn’t answer the phone if he didn’t make an effort for you to you meet his son. Be sure to post the photos on fb.

I highly recommend the book “Why Men Love Bitches” .

The book is hilarious and thought provoking at the same time. Sometimes we have to step back and let guys pull their head out of their a** by stepping back with confidence so they can decide on their own if they want to take the relationship to a deeper level. It still makes me mad he doesn’t mind your kids getting attached.

You are doubting your intuition, something doesn’t sit well with me, either.

Homewrecked- your timing is amazing! I hadn’t gotten the chance to revisit and respond to everyone on this since I posted it (so thank you to everyone who took the time to give feedback). Now SO has his son coming for a week starting Saturday, and so seeing him during that time is out of the question.

I have thought a lot about what everyone said. And ultimately I’ve decided that this relationship isn’t going to work for me. I don’t for one second want to be the person forcing him to introduce me to his son in order to maintain a relationship. That’s not ok on any level. It has to be him wanting to do that and incorporate those two parts of his life. He doesn’t want to do that, and also doesn’t do a very good job of discussing future plans together or taking initiative in that way. He’s not clear about when he might feel comfortable with that, and I’m not even sure he knows. I also somewhat question how much of it is strictly due to protecting his son, and how much protecting his ex-wife might be a part of it.

He absolutely has to do what he feels is best for his son, but I also have to do what’s best for my kids and me. Letting my kids continue to get close to him... and me continuing to let him into our lives while he keeps me at a distance from his.. not ok with me.

What we have right now is weekend relationship, and that’s it. It’s impossible to see each other during normal work weeks. So aside from weekends, that just leaves vacations and holidays as our only other time to have a relationship. And we can’t do that because of not introducing me to his son. Again, I fully accept and respect that choice he’s making. But it’s not enough for me to have a weekends only relationship (and really every other wkd, due to having the kids every other). That’s enough for him. It’s not for me. Neither of us is right or wrong on that, but I do think it means we need to go our separate ways.

And yes- homewrecked- you hit the nail on the head and it hadn’t crossed my mind. He can and SHOULD pick some weekends on his own to go visit his son where he lives. And that would help take the pressure off of the summer visits here immensely.

It doesn’t matter though. I’m one million % done trying to get someone to be the partner I want them to be.

Sick, great update. It sounds like you know exactly what will work for you and what won't. And I have to say I agree with everything you wrote. I would feel the same way, I think.

Onward.

Sickandafraid, nice to hear from you and sorry it has come to this.

IMHO, you are making the right decision as it is apparent that you are not on the same page when it comes to the future of this relationship. If you add to that that you only see each other weekends (and sometimes every other weekend), I don't think there is a lot of scope for this relationship to grow, and you risk getting stuck in one long limbo.

Blended families is a challenge but is possible. I was in one growing up and had one of my own for a time.

I hope it all works out for you. Always nice to hear about people getting a new start.

Sickandafraid, no words of wisdom to offer but wanted to let you know I hear you.

I have a similar situation going on.

It is a very difficult spot to be in; as a single mother who navigated a difficult divorce and a difficult co-parenting situation myself I know that what my partner does is trying to protect his children, even if from the outside it is hard to understand at times. In my case it's to keep the peace with an incredibly toxic and out of control ex-wife and mother and to ensure she is not taking her issues out on the kids. But, it makes me feel invisible, unimportant, bottom of the barrel at times. My needs go by the wayside and I have a hard time reconciling what I should be doing because I know it's the right thing to do but it it makes me feel awful, lonely and unloved on the inside.

I am considering walking away from the relationship because I can't sustain this emotionally for years to come and I guess I have some work to do on myself in terms of boundaries, expression of needs etc. I wish you well in your decisions and on your path.

[This message edited by fraeuken at 7:20 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)]