SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am not a WS but I developed a desire for someone I don't even know over the course of two Zoom meetings. The crescendo was me sending a friendly email, ending it with questions about his work plans, or other plans, for the summer. What's at heart here is not the email, but my intentions behind it. I believe I was trying to instigate, or see if I could, an EA. Or at least a series of emails that would make me feel something. IDK what that something is.
I have my IC in a couple of hours and cannot wait to share this with her. I absolutely want to tell my DH because it's indicative, to me, that we are reaching a crisis point in our marriage.
The marriage is decent: I love him, and am even in love with him. He does however have the emotional capacity of a dead fish. Left out to dry. Sex life is getting worse, maybe 2-3 times per month. Always my initiation, and lately, he struggles to finish. We are both fit and 40. He also has been drinking more each night since last year, staying up late. His speech patterns when he's drinking making my skin crawl so I usually peace out of the living room by 10 for the night.
I guess my question is: do I tell him about the email, my intentions behind the email, and if so, how can I use this truth to strengthen and not weaken our marriage? I desperately want MC but he thinks therapists are quacks and out to get him. This email was a wake-up call for me, how do I use it to serve as one for him? If I am too intense, he'll just clam up. We are also both EXTREMELY conflict avoidant with one another (not so much in other areas of life).
BTW, I feel SOOOOO grody about my email. Thank goodness the colleague didn't respond as we are not well-acquainted at all. SOOOO gross, so "not me." Yet, here I am.....

[This message edited by FLYAKITE at 4:37 PM, Tuesday, June 8th]

I would deal with this in MC. Maybe this is the wake-up call your marriage needs.

I would frame it as "I recognized as I looked at what I had done critically that I am looking for attention and validation, and those are things I should be receiving from our marriage AND healthy pursuits like hobbies and friends. I'd like to frame this as a wake-up call and a signal that we need to make things better between us and for us."

Your IC should be able to guide you. However, if he is not willing to go to therapy, or only sees therapy as a way to punch his "I did this" ticket, it's not going to work.

Cat

Welcome to SI FLYAKITE. It is extremely rare that we see folks looking for help BEFORE they commit infidelity. It is a very good thing, and I am glad that you saw the path you were heading down and caught it before things got out of hand. While I understand you are upset with yourself, I just want you to know that you should also be proud of yourself for reaching out for help before it is too late to do so.

Speaking with your IC is a great step, and yes, by all means, share with your spouse and reach out for his support. I'm sorry that he does not support therapy, and I think MC would very beneficial to you both, but please stick with what's right for YOU in therapy for now.

I would suggest reading through The Healing Library (link top left of this page) just to see how many other WS and BS's have related their feelings. It might help you to start looking in some directions in yourself for answers.

Please keep us posted on your progress.

WOW, thanks for these quick responses!

Catwoman, I am absolutely plagiarizing your words! I hope my IC today insists I tell him about it. It's obvious to me he needs to and deserves to know.

DD, thanks for the props but I admit I wonder if I would tell him if the colleague HAD emailed in response? I'd like to think yes, but clearly I thought emailing a man for validation was OK, so...But I will check out the Healing Library. And BEG for MC. We have 3 young ones and overall a good partnership. It's just like being married to the American Gothic portrait in human form.

[This message edited by FLYAKITE at 11:08 AM, June 8th (Tuesday)]

And remember . . . you didn't do what you did because of HIM; you did what you did because of YOU.

The marriage or the partner is not the reason to stray. Be very careful not to lay blame here. Sure, the marriage likely needs work. They ALL DO. But it's not a REASON for what you did.

I hope this is the wakeup call your marriage needs to get into gear and get things improved. And if it's not, at least you will not be involving a third party and imploding any relationship you have with your husband. Affair divorces are extremely messy and hurtful to all.

Cat

I'm not sure how much time you've had to read the forums yet, but one topic you'll see mentioned here constantly is "TT" or "trickle truth". One thing we've found to be consistently true is that leaving out details is A Bad Idea(tm). It erodes trust, and makes our spouses wonder if there is "something else you aren't telling me?". So my advice is to be honest and complete in all things, and do not attempt to "spare his feelings" as that approach usually backfires spectacularly. People handle things best when they have all the details, and then he can make some informed decisions.

I agree with Catwoman that your approach of "I see this as a wake up call for us to work on the relationship" is about good as it will get. These are never easy conversations to have, even when infidelity isn't a part of them.

Oh, and be prepared to share the email you sent, and any other related info, with your spouse. Again, it will help him to see you as both truthful and remorseful, and dedicated to him having the truth rather than protecting yourself.

No stop sign, so let me jump in with quick congratulations on being proactive and reaching out for support before crossing the Rubicon. Your marriage likely needs some improvement here and there, you probably need some work on yourself too, but many BSs here wish their spouse had had a moment of self-reflection similar to yours.

I'll let that unfortunate email slide and chalk it up to a mistake - and, mind you, mistake is not a word we like using around here :-)

All the best wherever the path takes you.

Thanks all for your advice.

I just got off the tele-visit with my IC. I will tell him everything tonight. I fear his reaction will be "I don't care, why are you telling me this." This indifference towards everything permeates our life, but maybe JUST MAYBE the fact his doting wife tried to chat up a stranger will grab his attention and induce him to actually listen to the fact we have a marriage in trouble.

I will NOT bring up anything on his part (and there is lots there, including porn usage, nightly heavy drinking, and a 100% lack of emotion and intimacy), but will frame it as "Look, this is new to me. I never have emailed a colleague with an improper desire in mind so I realize I need to come to you."

I am also terrified of what secrets he may hold. There was an incident years ago in which his I discover his robust porn usage. Guess what? I confronted him, accepted his mea culpa, and rugswept it. Ask me how well that worked...

Thanks so much, you are very helpful people. I did check out the Healing Library but wasn't sure what I was looking for.

Not sure if this is appropriate for me to post in the Wayward forum but I want to point out to you that I joined this site in 2015 because my WH was watching porn an insane amount. I moved on, life got busy. There were intimacy issues but I figured we would sort that out someday. And I ended up with a Dday in 2021 with him visiting massage parlors. I wish I had known before what a red flag porn addiction is. I understand some people can watch it and it doesn't affect their lives, but that is not the case for everyone.

I agree with what the other posters are saying regarding being honest with your husband and not letting this go any further.

Fly, what would you do if he doesn't care and doesn't want to go to MC? Maybe you should consider it and where your boundaries would be if this does not work out as a wake up call.

Stubborn: OMG your story made my stomach sink! I am so fucking sorry. I am a sex-worker positive woman but fucking porn seems to be a slippery slope (and if there's a pun in there, it's gross and I'm sorry). Thanks for sharing your experience, though, it certainly gave me pause and food for thought. I hope you are doing OK, truly.

Necko: Thanks for your spot-on question. The answer is IDEK. Last month I was gliding along through life ignoring my glaring problems. It all got wrinkled last week after the Zoom meeting and that last line asking "Soooo what are your research plans over the summer." THAT WOKE ME UP. I AM WAKING UP. Seven years straight of pregnancy and breastfeeding. Followed by a pandemic.

I know what I WON'T do. And that's be a cheating douche (no offense meant to WS). Of course primarily because of ethics, but perhaps more truthfully, I can't live with the guilt and horror of being the reason for a divorce.

I guess I would have to have loads of IC. Lean into friends for advice. Write down my bare minimums. And pray like hell that he'll reach those. If not, the answer would be clear. And I would be devastated.

FLYAKITE - thank you, I will be ok. If I could go back in time, I would have required marriage counseling or made him move out. I do think he would have done it if I demanded it at the time. He is doing it now, but with so much more to work through now.

I would never ever in a million years have thought he would escalate to physical cheating. He didn't think he would, either, and has been horrified at what he has done.

I hope things get better for you and your husband and I don't mean to frighten you, but I do wish I had taken the porn addiction more seriously, I have never been a person that really cared about porn at all, I didn't realize it could be dangerous and just kind of figured all men watch it and it doesn't matter. But some people can have a couple of beers and for some it is a problem!

We have a saying around here: sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.

It is certainly not wrong to have your dealbreakers and your expectations of a marital relationship. And it's not wrong to be willing to end the marriage if your partner doesn't want to put in an effort.

Now, that's taking this in the light of your expectations of a marriage to be reasonable and those things you have identified as your needs are achievable within a marriage. I only say this because I was in a marriage with someone who had insatiable needs for validation and admiration. I don't think this is your case, but it's an important facet to understand.

Some of our needs can and should only be met inside an intimate relationship. Other needs can be met through healthy hobbies, our careers, etc. Your IC can help you define this, I'm sure.

Cat

Out of regard for the time y'all took to respond, I wanted to follow up quickly.

Last night we spoke and I told him everything about my feelings and the intentionality behind my email to the colleague. As expected, he couldn't care less.

I also, brought up the porn usage from 4 years ago. As expected, he acted like it was NBD and it was my accusations of infidelity and cursing in front of the kids that was the take-away from that...

We talked for an hour, which is basically like running a verbal-marathon for this man, so I think it was a good first step. His aversion to MC is epic. But as Catwoman succinctly pointed out, it's up to ME to decide MY BEHAVIORS. And no, I will NEVER email that dude again lol! And watch carefully my needs, keeping it real with IC and myself. There is NEVER an excuse to cheat. Fucking ever. Thanks all!

I feel like I’ve been where you are…my WS was very disconnected emotionally when we were together (prior to Dday) and no matter what I said or how I said it - it made no difference. I could communicate my feelings over and over and she couldn’t acknowledge them in a way that yielded change for us both. I now know that she didn’t know how - she is not emotionally “in the know” with her own self enough to have been that for me. It’s a contributor to why she eventually cheated and why she treated me like absolute crap after Dday.

I had to learn that I couldn’t really do anything about that in regards to she and I being together. No matter how much I compromised my own self it would never make a difference in “us” and would only serve to hurt me more. I felt myself feeling like you in wanting to reach out to others to fill that void…all of this was a huge lesson for me. Why am I reaching for others to fill *my* voids? Why am I holding on to someone that’s so cold, rejecting and neglectful of my feelings? Why am I willing to compromise and abandon my own self so much just to hold on to someone like this? Why does the thought of letting my WS go scare me so much? Why am I not instead more concerned for how far I’ve lost myself?

All of these questions were the eventual catalyst for my healing. I encourage you to ask yourself some of these same questions and explore them in IC. This man is showing you who he is…there’s nothing *you* can do to yourself to alter that. Why are you willing to settle?

His aversion to MC is epic.

Have you ever asked why? Does his "why" hold water?

Reason I'm asking is that there are people who have aversion to MC because they fear being held responsible. There are a group of people who don't want someone to tell them that porn can be damaging to a relationship, or that lying destroys trust. The more evil and manipulative in this group typically agree to MC for one of two reasons: to punch their MC ticket in case the relationship goes south (not realizing that their lack of participation in MC is one of the bigger reasons for the same) or to manipulate their spouse into changing so they don't have to.

I think asking the question about why he is so against MC would be a good one. Having a good therapist assist you as a couple in changing and growing, to me, is overwhelmingly positive.

Cat

Maise and Catwoman: Thank you so much. These are all great questions that I'll continue to explore with my IC, who's actually one of the best I've had. I'm ready to bring it! It's on like Donkey Kong here.

My WH had occasional porn use that drove me crazy - it was so much the use but the lying that pissed me off. The affair came later obviously. It’s an interesting correlation. I know not all porn use leads to cheating, but I wonder how often there is cheating without previous issues with porn? Just a random thought.

My WH also was very adverse to MC when our marriage first went to hell. He was in the early stages of the EA when I suggested it. His excuse was that if we couldn’t fix it ourselves, why even bother? He then went to a full blown affair within a month. He still kicks himself for not taking me up on my offer.

I applaud the fact that you caught yourself immediately and confessed. I am a bit concerned at your husband’s nonchalant reaction. He reminds me of my WH when he was completely cut off from me emotionally - because he was having an affair. He was also drinking very heavily during his affair. I’m not trying to raise any alarms with you, he just seems very disconnected and that does make me concerned for you. I hope I am completely mistaken and it is me seeing red flags for no reason.

My WH had occasional porn use that drove me crazy - it was so much the use but the lying that pissed me off. The affair came later obviously. It’s an interesting correlation. I know not all porn use leads to cheating, but I wonder how often there is cheating without previous issues with porn?

Not to T/J the OP, but I think you're on to something here.

Porn involves (in most cases):

Interaction of a sexual nature with someone not your partner (even if it is "just viewing").

Unrealistic portrayal of sexual interaction potentially leading to unrealistic expectations of the sexual interaction in the relationship.

Lying/secrecy (most people who view porn do not broadcast their interaction with it to their partner)

Occasionally, the viewer/interactor will become so immersed in the relationship with porn that they neglect their partner both emotionally and sexually.

So yeah, I think it could be a "gateway drug" for certain.

Cat

For what it is worth FlyAKite, I don't really see you as "a cheater". Yeah, I know you regret sending that email, and you will have to explore your own feelings on why that happened and what it means. But that's my point... you had enough self-respect and integrity (and respect for your spouse and relationship) to catch this before things got out of control, the ability to own your actions and take steps to correct them, and the willingness to risk your marriage by opening up about it to your spouse, knowing it might have the power to hurt both you and him, but willing to sacrifice your own feelings and own safety in order to do "the right thing".

And nothing about that says, "Cheater" to me. In fact, I would say most WS's here lack those qualities and abilities in the first place. So many BS's here have said, "I wish my spouse had just come to me, said something, at least given ME the opportunity to step-up or step-out of the relationship" and so on. You did that, and you threw yourself under the bus in the process. There is not much more you could have done to show remorse and contriteness. I get the impression that this is something you did, not who you are. For most of us, it is who we are.

So... what now? If I may offer my own advice (take it or leave it as you see fit) I would take some time to think about what you want from the relationship moving forward. It really isn't asking too much to want to be loved, or at the very least respected, by our spouses. I only have your side of the story, but it sounds like your husband has checked out emotionally, and that's not good. Do you have kids? I ask only because these kinds of relationships can imprint on kids, and if they grow up with unhealthy relationship models, then they are more likely to have similar poor relationships as well. Not to mention your own happiness and what you want from life! Is this acceptable to you? Are you willing to exist in a marriage where one partner is not willing to sacrifice for the other? Not even a little?

Decide what you need in your relationship, and then demand it. It is reasonable to state that MC (or any work that you both agree upon, perhaps a couples weekend away, or going to see a religious leader, or even just setting up some "date nights") is a requirement of yours. And it is also fair for him to state what he needs from the relationship. Asking for your partner to care about you is not unreasonable under any circumstances.

Anyway, I'm not trying to tell you what to do or think, rather... just suggesting that YOU take some time to think about what you want, and need, from yourself, from him, from the relationship... and then go from there. Take this event in your life as a "wake up call". Best of luck to you.