SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

FLYAKITE-

What happened back in 2017 when you registered for this site? Can you let us know what happened back then that caused you to register an account here? Was there cheating of some sort or thought of cheating back then also? Why the 4 yr old account?

Thissucks: I appreciate you sharing your experiences and will certainly remain alert! He's always had the emotional range of a teaspoon and hated counseling due to FOO issues (alcoholism, inability to communicate even the simplest shit, like, "could you please walk the dog" is a feat). When I first met him a decade ago, he had just discovered his father was cancer-free. I was like that's great!! He then said except for his parents never even shared with him dad HAD cancer. They are weird, really weird actually about sharing anything, including simple compliments. All this to say, this nonchalance and weirdness is par for the course. But I will keep eyes open for red flags!

Cat:I like the connection between porn and secrecy. Definitely gonna think about this and process with IC!

Dom: Thanks for encouraging me to ask myself some hard questions about my wants and needs! Yes, we have 3 small kids so I've spent all my energy keeping them alive and so forth, I forgot to look out for myself. He is loving with them, lots of I love yous and activities and physical hugs and kisses. He's been the SAHP while working during the pandemic, managing 2 kids online and a rogue 3.5 year old! I know he's exhausted; no excuse! Just to situate him in relation to the kids and why he's tapped out.

Thanks for all the comments and looking out for this poster!

HalfTime,

Yes! I joined then because was more distant than usual and I was 7 months pregnant and we weren't having sex. We have access to each others' laptops and phones so I checked his history and saw TONS of porn hits. I got super paranoid and livid and we had probably our only big argument ever. I guess we processed it as best as we can because we are both inept in the confrontation department. He chalked the increased activity off to writing his dissertation (which I admit does make you web surf more than usual, but weird porn sites? eww just ew. And in the campus library? NO. Gross). We worked through it, but probably quite poorly, and life went on.

I haven't suspected him since but I do continue to check in now and again in his history, search history, phone, etc. All our electronics continue to be communal in the house, emails open, stuff synced up. I manage the bills and technologies around here so I can always check. Mostly, I just believe in CYA!

I survived infidelity once already in a past LT relationship and it was the worst thing ever, ever. Don't ever want that experience repeated!

Wrong thread

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:56 PM, June 10th (Thursday)]

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:56 AM, Friday, June 11th]

FLYAKITE I'm sorry you are having these problems and as a BS I commend you for coming here before you acted on your impulses.

Speaking as a BS who has been in your husband's shoes, I recognized there were offenses in the first fifteen years of my marriage that I was guilty for. My wife decided to cheat, and though I wish i had divorced her then the experience did show me where I was at fault in my 50% of the marital responsibility. It was positive in that way and I learned from it and grew. That didn't keep my wife from cheating again ten years later, but I am still glad I made those changes.

If your husband has a lackadaisical attitude towards the marriage, then probably nothing is going to get him to be an equitable partner to you. At the same time, I highly doubt he became the way he is over the course of the marriage. He was most likely this way before the marriage, and you thought you could train those negative traits out of him. Meh... doesn't work does it?

My recommendation is that if he does not attend MC with you, if he refuses to meet you halfway, then go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are and what you can expect in a divorce in your state. I hate to be defeatist but it takes two people to run a marriage and it sounds like your husband has checked out.

I guess my question is, what do you find appealing about your husband? I can't imagine that describing someone has having the emotional range of a teaspoon can ever be taken in a complimentary way!

You have said a lot of negative things about him, and if they're all accurate assessments I am wondering where the positive bits of the marriage are.

What are your wants and needs in an intimate relationship, and can he (or will he) reasonably choose to meet them?

I don't think you are a cheater at all, frankly. This is pretty much exactly what I have meant in the past when I say the climate of the marriage needing to be examined without dumping all the blame on one side or the other. You did not have an affair of any kind. You had a wakeup call to the fact that your relationship isn't meeting your needs. It takes two to work on a marriage; you can't do it alone.

If he continues to invalidate your needs, then what happens? Because right there is the opportunity for this actually to become an affair. If he doesn't want to do anything differently, and because of kids/finances/whatever you don't want to leave the marriage, then what? This issue won't go away.

WrongOne,

You ask some provocative questions, esp regarding his ambivalence before marriage! I've pondered your query and think that I was so in love, so ready to have kids (I was 35 when we met), and also SO OVER THE DRAMA of my previous partner who was an absolute emotional vampire who needed to unpack every damn thing...I also was cheated on. I felt this chill man was a dream come true. And in many ways, he actually is. Just not in the emotional department.

It will be up to me to decide if that's going to work, and I'll admit, at the moment is not the time. Since our chat last week, I've seen some significant changes. Not large and conspicuous, but little adjustments in his behavior and communication that could very well pivot the trajectory of our marriage. I am hopeful! But ever cautious and never will be caught off guard as I was in my previous LT relationship.

His whole family is alcoholic and his brother (42 y/o) nearly died Monday. For the first time ever, he said "I think it's time I go to Al Anon" (I'm also in AA, for a decade now). This is huge! For this man who fears all feels!

Thanks for your thoughts =)

Since our chat last week, I've seen some significant changes. Not large and conspicuous, but little adjustments in his behavior and communication that could very well pivot the trajectory of our marriage. I am hopeful!

His whole family is alcoholic and his brother (42 y/o) nearly died Monday. For the first time ever, he said "I think it's time I go to Al Anon" (I'm also in AA, for a decade now). This is huge! For this man who fears all feels!

I felt this chill man was a dream come true. And in many ways, he actually is. Just not in the emotional department.

Still no stop sign, so allow me to chime in with a few words.

Alcoholics, even if they aren't raging or violent, but rather those quiet types, are emotionally impaired and they often pass this impairment on to their children. As a result, kids from such families have difficulty not only displaying but feeling emotions.

I also come from a family affected by alcoholism and one thing I can say is that as a child I was brought up to treat being emotional as a weakness, something to be ashamed of and something to avoid at all costs.

I'm not saying that your husband is exactly like me, but maybe there are similarities? I hope his willingness to attend Al-Anon and maybe later do do some counselling will be a pivotal point in your marriage - best wishes on the road ahead.

His whole family is alcoholic and his brother (42 y/o) nearly died Monday. For the first time ever, he said "I think it's time I go to Al Anon" (I'm also in AA, for a decade now). This is huge! For this man who fears all feels!

Thanks for your thoughts =)

Well that is your answer right there. Your husband was likely traumatized repeatedly throughout his childhood by his family's dysfunction. I have a good friend whos dad was an alcoholic, and his life was a nightmare. He stayed with me and my family a lot when we were kids. Today he is much like your husband: stoic, keeping up impenetrable walls so people cannot hurt him. I feel bad for your husband. He needs counseling to help him let go of all that baggage, even if he and you do not work out. He probably wont, but that is not your problem. Your husband has to own his issues. You are not responsible for him.

Keep your boundaries up and honor your marriage commitment for whatever amount of time it lasts.

If I may ask, if you are a recovering alcoholic, did your alcoholism ever cause you to abuse or neglect your spouse? Or are you a happy alcoholic like my dad, who drinks himself to sleep every night cracking jokes and watching dumb sitcoms?

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 8:43 AM, June 17th (Thursday)]

Hi FlyaKite,

You were right in talking things out with your husband before it gets too late. Also, I would advise to urge him for MC and IC. His addiction to porn needs to be addressed and his lack of emotional attachment to you is also not healthy.
You should encourage him for date nights to initiate your intimacy and schedule one-on-one meetings for at least an hour, uninterrupted, to keep your emotions in check. Use up that time to discuss potential and ongoing problems between the two of you.
It's a good thing you are conscious enough to know what's wrong and right. And if ever there comes a day that you really wanted out of the marriage, better talk it out with him before anything goes awry.
All the best!

This is such a wonderful (albeit tragic) little corner in the cyber space, thanks for all the thoughts!

Scead: You're spot-on. Not to make excuses for his ineptitude but absolutely his parents avoid emotions and physical contact like the plague. Thanks for your well-wishes.

TWO: I do think my alcoholism has caused me shame which in turn may affect my marriage but, I THINK, I have never rejected or hurt him as a consequence. And no, I am not a happy drunk like your dad was. I am mortified by my addiction and if I ever slip it's always a sad event in the laundry room followed by days of self-flagellation. I REALLY hate being an alcoholic with every fiber of my being! But one day at a time, as you know.

Beb: I love the idea of one hour meetings scheduled. We both respond well to calendared events! And I couldn't agree with you more that IC and MC would be a productive exercise. Working on this too, one day at a time! We do have a date night for the first time since March 2020 on Friday. Friends are taking the kids for the night and I'm surprising him with 2 days at a big amusement park and a nice on site hotel! WOOOHOOO.

Thanks all! I do have another Zoom meeting with Mr. BigBeard who I'd flirted with next Wednesday. I look forward to being my usual professional and loyal self this time. That was SO GROSS OF ME....

It's a good thing that everything's working out fine between the two of you!
Communication is the key!
All the best!