SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am working on an essay about my experience with XWH's infidelity and our divorce. I have boiled down lessons learned the past few years into three points. Thought I would share and see if anyone else had thoughts to add:

1. DD thrived not inspite of her dad’s betrayal and abandonment, but because of it. Had he remained under our roof with his chaos, cheating and sociopathy, she would not have matured, graduated with honors and become an amazing human being. XWH left me free to parent her the way I wanted.

2 Close friends and family who bear witness to your suffering as a betrayed spouse often confuse neutrality with having the moral upper hand. Silence in the face of wrong doing is not moral. I was surprised how few close friends and family really stood up and spoke out at what was happening to me and DD. People I respected would say, I don’t want to take sides, or I am neutral or I don’t judge. Infidelity and abandonment are wrong and create suffering. To remain neutral is to refuse to bear witness and acknowledge wrongdoing – and that is not moral.

3. People seem to have a standard or model in mind for how a betrayed spouse is supposed to act. The prescribed expectation is that he or she conduct themselves with quiet dignity and stoicism and not tell people what is happening. Some tears might okay in the first year or two, but keep it to yourself and shake it off. After a few years, it’s unseemly to display grief or anger about the end of your marriage. Don't feel ashamed if you are not ready to move on even if others close to you have.

Fablegirl, these are spot on.

Firstly, you are absolutely right that children are better off being removed from a toxic environment tarnished by infidelity. More than a few BS are reluctant to leave unhappy marriages because they don’t want to break the family up, not realising that the long term damage on the kids can be much greater. My kids are also doing well after a very bumpy start. D has made them more disillusioned for sure, but also resilient and self-aware.

Your second truth is, again, on the money. D is, indeed the great divider. Some people will step up, even just by offering a kind word, and others will hide behind a neutrality and silence that fundamentally betray a lack of interest. My MIL and SIL took that approach and it was, possibly, one of the most hurtful things I have ever had to endure. The silver lining here is that you are left knowing who your real friends are, who will be following you in your new life.

Third one, it is objectively hard for outsiders to understand how devastating infidelity and divorce can be. Until they experience it themselves. You sense it when the end of your marriage has become old news. The whole body language changes. My old manager told me to get a grip a whole three months after D-day. I still remember the sheer sense of injustice I felt. We do live in a a society that promotes strength of character and resilience as its main staples, with only a very small allowance for vulnerability Thank god for SI

I read this and had to think about it a bit. I really like it.

And I read item 1 as you were able to parent your DD the way that was best for her, and I love that! I think from reading so many stories here that many WS want things the way is best for them, not for their kids. They love the kids, but can only see things through their selfish lens.

The lack of empathy from people who have been cheated on is nuts. I have been fortunate (!?! Well, maybe that is not the right word) that many of my friends are divorced and said that took a long to get through— and that is without infidelity. So they have been supportive. My family— not so much. But honestly, I was not nearly empathetic enough for those friends as they went through their divorces. I figured it stunk like a breakup, but I see now how much more devastating it is. I have made MANY apologies to friends for not having been there for them in what I now see would have been more supportive and accepting.

And i think Karma said it well- people expect everyone to recover from everything in lightning speed — infidelity, natural disaster, domestic violence, death… and I think our society has no tolerance or patience for anyone showing vulnerability or “weakness”. It’s like that toxic masculinity has leaked in to all areas.

It’s nice to see you healing and the acceptance you are getting comfortable with.

In

Very well thought out and really chiseled down to the meat and potatoes. I would love to read the essay when it is complete! (and show it to my neutral friends, who will sigh that I am still involved in an infidelity site :-)

Wow - these are so spot on, as everyone's remarked.

#1 - my son and I have spent such wonderful time together since XWH left. I don't have to deal with that idiot interfering with my parenting decisions and making me choose between him and my son.

#2 - yes to this. I've cut off everyone who's remained neutral. It finally hit me how effed up it is to play Switzerland in the face of this kind of abuse. It also occurred to me that there were many mutuals who not only remained his friend but never so much as checked on how I was doing. Yeah, I don't need "friends" like that anymore.

#3 - If we speak of what was done to us we're bitter and not letting go. Stoicism is definitely expected. I've really internalized this and sometimes beat myself up for still feeling so sad and angry in turns.

1. My DS thrived too. I kicked my XWH out of the after dd2. My sons grades did slip initially, which is understandable. However now he making straight As he is kind, has lots of friends, athletic, funny and I am so proud. I often see parents not want to divorce because of their children. However my own situation turned out okay. I am not saying divorce doesn’t negatively impact the kids, it does. They mourn the loss of their family too. However, kids are resilient. I love seeing my son happy.

2. THIS. I am perplexed at how some of our mutual friends acted like nothing ever happened and remained friends with him. They know he cheated, stole money from me, lied to them.... yet that’s cool. No biggie. Don’t want to judge. Let’s move on to other subjects like baseball or the weather.

3. No one understands how long to takes to heal until you have been through the process. Everyone’s timeline is their own. I actually heard a male host on a talk show putting someone down for taking a year to heal. Crazy

Can’t comment on point 1 as we are all still living under one roof

Point 2 also difficult as other than our inner circle no one knows yet

Point 3 - I have to admit that prior to this happening to me I would’ve been the “pull your socks up” kind of person. I had absolutely no idea the depth and breadth of the trauma infidelity causes. I am ashamed to say that 25 years ago I didn’t give much though to my dads betrayal of my mother because it wasn’t happening to me. Prior to my WGF A I was the go to go guy both professionally and with friends and family. I could deal with anything, fix anything, find a solution, get to the root cause, know who to speak to or where to look. I have been dispatched clear the other side of the world to fix problems, resolve conflicts, establish calm. But nothing and I mean nothing prepared me for this. This has shaken me to my core, I didn’t know who I was, who I am, who I wanted to be. I was able to focus on nothing but details, hyper vigilance and the ripples have lasted way into year 2. If you would have told me this, described it in explicit detail, shown me evidence I probably would still not have believed the damage this does to someone.

That is why we are here, to talk and listen to people who know what it feels like, because our nearest and dearest and often our therapists don’t - and hopefully they never will.

I really appreciate hearing your feedback and truths. Two Dozen: I was especially struck by your words. I was the same as you before I experienced infidelity. I never fully understood the trauma, nor could I predict the profound way it rocked my core sense of identity. How you captured that was spot on.

I can honestly say that I do not trust the people who stayed neutral or feel the same way about them as I did before dd. They and I just do not have the same values or mutual friends. I simply do not want to be friends with people who count abusers among their friends. I have standards.

As for getting over it. I just tell it like it is. This is not your usual divorce. Whatever that is. I don't expect I will ever heal. It was like a tko to the soul for me. I don't owe any of those people a thing. I don't have to heal on their schedule or happy my way out of this.

Call me damaged. Or bitter. But good luck to them if they trust a man who would betray the mother of his child.