SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's my one full day of being completely alone, and I absolutely hate it. I try to spend the majority of the day away from home. I walk around the usual stores, try not to spend too much money. I also try to go for a run that day when my knee is feeling good. However, while I'm trying to keep myself busy, that's when I find myself falling into the slump and shame spiral. I get so envious of the couples and families I see walking around. It's never good. I then go home and just stare at the clock waiting for it to be 7:30 so I can't talk to our daughter.

It doesn't matter if I'm alone or with a friend. This past Saturday I took a class with a friend, and all of the feelings were still there. She and I went to lunch afterwards and to some stores, but I still watched all of the couples and families with a heavy feeling of sadness. A cashier at a store noticed I was down. She asked with that certain tone "are you doing ok today?" I could feel the tears start to come. I told her it was really hot out.

It's always there.

Can you maybe spoil yourself a couple Saturdays a month? Go get a pedi or a facial or a massage? Come up with a bucket list of things you want to do or see and start knocking them off - like taking yourself on a date. Sign up for a cooking class, or a ceramics class, or join a hiking/running club. Just thinking maybe if you make those alone Saturdays something that you really look forward to it might help.

Adjusting to the new normal just takes time LD. I think where you're at and how you're feeling is pretty normal.

I wish I had some wise words to share with you, something, anything, that would help. Life after infidelity can feel so debilitating, so empty. And the truth is, whether you R or D, those feelings of loss and remorse remain. I'm sorry you are struggling with it. ((hugs))

Let me ask you... do you have any plans, any thoughts, about what you want moving forward? You divorced, correct? Where are you in that process? Do you hold hope of reconnecting with your BS? If not, have you thought about what comes next?

I know how "unworthy" we can feel of joy after infidelity. It often feels like trying to light a match in the rain, like it just isn't meant to be. But remember, when you can, that what we owe to our BS's, our families and ourselves, is not shame, or sorrow, or regret. Those things are valueless and help no one. Our inability to be happy is what got us into this mess, and continuing to stay stuck there only continues to hurt ourselves and others. So seek out peace, and joy. I know, the pain never goes away really, but it's what we make of it that counts.

I am sorry, Lifedestroyer. That adjustment is very hard. I would continue to experiment until you find things that make you lose track of time. It's not always easy to find what those things are, but get outside of your comfort zone because I can promise you certain things will be surprising to you as to how much you like them.

My husband forced an issue a couple years ago in which he wanted me to take a self defense class. I didn't want to do it. I dreaded it. I tried to get out of it. I ended up having a blast. For a while I took their ongoing "exercise class" that included more techniques. I would never have guessed I would love it or look forward to it. Keep going, you are doing great!

I will look into any local classes and their prices. Dating now is a no for me. I'm waiting for Prime Day to see if this treadmill I want goes on sale. Now that my knee doesn't hurt, I need to run more.

Even if you choose not to date right now (perfectly understandable) you might still consider activities involving people. Now that Covid is less prevalent, new opportunities may open up. I obviously don't know your hobbies and interests well, but I'm thinking things such as volunteering at an animal shelter, taking dancing or cooking classes, starting a dog-walking group on Meetup, take some photography classes, join a running club, go be a speaker at a local special interest group, work with a local small theater, and so on.

Anyway, my point is, replacing heavy sadness with things that engage you and that you (can potentially) enjoy is a good way to start replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. And I know how very hard that can be, to be interested in anything, even things you normally would enjoy, when sadness takes over. Like everything else, we make choices, we decide when and how to react to our emotions, and we make changes when we need to.

No pressure. Sometimes we just need to be sad, and that's okay too. But it sounds like your getting really sick and tired of being sad. And if that's the case, then something has to change. Change in a way that works for you.

I understand that feeling! I have 5 full days in a stretch where I’m alone and since I left in Aug I’ve spent pretty much none of that time alone. I joined a bunch of single parent groups, made all new friends and am really embracing that time for me. I’ve found it helps to have friends that understand or are going through it too. My happily married friends just don’t get it! I miss my kids but we talk and FaceTime through the days. I’d say it’s also ok to just sit and be sad. There is nothing wrong will allowing yourself to feel those feelings either.

Happy Monday, LifeDestroyer! How did the weekend go?

From what I can understand, you were the wayward wife, correct? You missed Saturdays spent with your family, you hate Saturdays now that you're alone and lonely.
Have you been keeping tabs on your ex and see what's going on with his life? Can you that he's happy? If you're constantly checking on him, that might be also the source of your sadness.
You need to find some activities for yourself that will keep you busy on weekends, go out with a friend, read a book, hike or any other adventures that will keep your mind busy.
All the best and good luck on your healing!

[This message edited by beb252 at 12:27 AM, Tuesday, June 22nd]

I'm not Buddhist, but I study with a monk each year for three days. It's part of my pro D as a teacher and it has been life altering for me. It has taken me from being suicidal to functioning well enough that I can be a source of strength for my students.

One thing he said to me has stuck with me and I'll share it with you as it might help. He said that as westerners, we fight our emotions, as if they are our enemies. He said that in the east, they embrace them. He told me that I am not my emotions, he knew about my STBXWW's infidelity, but 5hat I am simply experiencing them. As a result, I was not sad, but experiencing the emotion of sadness. My emotion was not my identity. Once 8 was done experiencing sadness, I would experience something else.

This has really helped me move through my feelings, rather than resist them. I sit in the emotion and allow it to show me something, knowing the whole time that it is temporary.