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How did you other WS begin to wrap your heads around the pain that you caused your BS?

My BW told me last night that she doesn't think I "get it" and I am trying, but it is difficult for me to truly understand the depth of my betrayal. Does anyone have advice? I have been lurking for some time and have done a lot of reading, I am currently in IC, but I still find myself struggling.

Any advice?

Welcome GreenRanger21. Let's start with the basics.

If you haven't already, I suggest you read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". It can be purchased online, or if you look, you can probably find it online in PDF format for free. It is essentially the handbook on what you'll need to understand moving forward. It is a quick read, under 100 pages I think, I was able to read in it about 3 hours.

Also, please look through "The Healing Library", the link is on the top left of this page. Lots of good stuff in there. I suggest you read the articles in both the WS and BS sections.

What would help us to help you is to get a little background on your story, however much you are willing to share. At the very least, let us know when your D-Day was, how long the affair lasted and with how many partners, and what's happened since D-day.

"Getting it" is a process for many WS's. The same brokenness that allowed us to have an affair in the first place is also usually the same state of mind that refuses to accept the depth of pain caused. My short term advice is to keep seeing your IC, and to be as open and honest with your BS as you can. No TT, no secrets, no minimizing. Just own what you did, and do your best to not get defensive.

Start there, and then keep coming back and letting us know where you are at.

Thanks for your response DD!

I have read many of your posts and I really appreciate the support and advice you have given to so many WS here who struggle.

My background is in my profile, it is not all encompassing but it is as much as I could write without being long winded.

The long and short of it is that I have been unfaithful for a majority of my relationship in a variety of ways that span from OA to 3 PA over the course of 6 years. None of these lasted for more than a few months. I spent a lot of that time minimizing, blameshifting, and gaslighting my BW and all of these A occured before we were married. She knew about *some* of the details, and I say some because I wasn't willing to be fully transparent about the actual depth of my betrayal and spent years TT until I finally came clean about 5 weeks ago on May 18 about the details she was unaware of.

Since D-Day I have read many articles in the Healing Library and I have read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" as suggested - I think twice now. I am in IC and we are in MC, and I am working on helping her get into IC as well.

I am really currently struggling with not becoming defensive, especially when my BW is justifiably angry with me, but some of her words and actions that have been done in spite of me are leaving me a bit hopeless and wondering where I should be focusing my efforts?

Sorry for being long winded with my replies, I am having an emotional day and I don't really have people to share it with so I really appreciate that this community exists to help me grow.

Edited for clarity

[This message edited by GreenRanger21 at 4:50 PM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]

I wasn't willing to be fully transparent about the actual depth of my betrayal and spent years TT until I finally came clean about 5 weeks ago

I won't hammer you on this point because I assume you already know it was a problem. I just want to point out that to her, this meant a few things. I meant that you were still putting your own best interests before hers. It means you were still willing to lie to her, which is what happened during the affair, and so even if the affair itself is over, the betrayal continued until fairly recently. So her experience is that nothing about you has changed. And if the affairs all occurred before marriage, then you were betraying her even since before the beginning, if you know what I mean. Essentially, her entire relationship with you has been a lie, at her expense, and you've done all you can to cover your ass while she takes the full brunt of the consequences.

Again, I don't say this to you to be mean, not at all, rather, I want to help you to get into her head. You need to be able to see yourself through her eyes, and understand that infidelity is not as simple as "he slept with someone else and lied". Rather, for the BS, their entire world becomes a lie. They don't know who to trust, because if the person that pledged to love and protect them for life was busy having sex with someone else while making those vows... then anyone could betray them. Then they start to worry about what else you lied about. They question every moment ever spent together, every word ever spoken by you, where you were, what you doing, the money you are spending, even who you think of when you close your eyes... It is so bad that they actually coined the term PISD (Post Infidelity Stress Disorder) which honestly, is just a form of PTSD.

In regard to "getting it"... what I found helped me the most, in the long run, was a combination of IC and MC. IC was the first crucial step, and it had to occur before MC for me, because in order to understand how my wife felt, I first had to understand myself and my own feelings and motivations. I really had to go back and dig into my personal traumas, and figure out how those affected me in such a way that I allowed myself to become a liar and cheater. No one says, "I want to grow up and be a cheater one day!" when they are a kid, and yet, that happened, right? So we need to figure out HOW and WHY that happened. Once we understand ourselves better, we can go back and correct some of the broken shit in our heads that got us to where we are now. In essence, we need to decide who we really want to be, and then learn how to be that person. Do you want to be a truthful, authentic, empathetic person who people trust and admire? If so, then you'll need to learn why you lie, and fix it, and become someone honest (for example).

Let me ask you this GR21, off the top of your head, do you happen to remember any emotional trauma in your life? For example, were you abused, neglected, teased, abandoned, molested, raped, demeaned, left out, pressured, or ignored when growing up? If so, start looking there. How did that actually affect you? Did you compartmentalize those feelings? Have you clung to a victim role? These are random questions just to get you thinking. Talk to your IC about them if they apply.

You need to heal yourself first. The fact is, we cannot love another until we love ourselves first, and if we are willing to lie to, betray and manipulate others to get our way, then we most certainly have no love or self-respect for ourselves. So that has to exist before you can even begin to "get it" in the way she's asking you to.

DD,

Thank you for your response. I've read it a few times and it helps me to see it in those terms and just simply "I had sex with someone else and lied about it", and I.think that is where I am getting hung up because I obviously know what I did was wrong, but I struggle with the part of myself who determined that I could continue to betray my BW by obfuscation and withholding information because like you said even though the affair has long since ended and I "resolved" to change my behavior... I know that I robbed her of the ability to make an informed decision and that is where a lot of my shame is rooted right now.

My childhood wasn't particularly traumatic, I was bullied as a kid and my father was emotionally unavailable and would yell and threaten me when I acted up, but those things have happened so far in the past that I don't even know how I would dive into how they affected me even though I remember them well.

I also experience secondhand trauma on a regular basis as a part of my line of work as a first responder which I know helped me get really good at compartmentalization and rationalization which I used to justify my actions during the As.

I want so badly to already be in a place that I am ready to be truly understanding of my BW pain and suffering, and to "get it" but this process is so difficult and painful, and I have never in my life had this level of vulnerability. I think that is where I am struggling the most.

I will definitely continue to go to IC, but unfortunately they can only meet with me biweekly and only for 8 sessions - do you think that will be enough?

When you become defensive, what is it exactly you are defending?

Foreverlabeled,

I think I am defending the person that I thought I was - rather, the person I want to be. I get defensive when she throws jabs at me verbally, and I think I am hurting because I know what she is saying is true.

I am not very far in this process even though the activities of the As were years ago I never fully addressed them with myself or my BW, and that really prevented my healing and hers as well. So now that I decided to come clean and give up my desire to control her opinion of me and her actions secondarily...I am struggling with the opposition of who I thought I was and who I actually am objectively.

I think I am defending the person that I thought I was - rather, the person I want to be. I get defensive when she throws jabs at me verbally, and I think I am hurting because I know what she is saying is true.

Okay, but you see how silly it is to try and defend this imaginary person you "thought" you were, right? Years of cheating, years of gaslighting and lying, all of this abuse you dished out, what is there really to get defensive about when she shows you some well deserved anger?

It okay to be hurt and in pain yourself for having to finally face who you've been. But, why take it out on her?

unfaithful for a majority of my relationship

that is pretty substantial and a lot for her to cope with. Not to mention the psychological torture you've put her through with TT aka gaslighting (let's just call it what it is. Its a complete mind fuck.) Its hard for you to empathize because we just don't know what its like, but we can come close. I'm sure with just a little imagination and effort you could get there. But just from what I'm reading, it doesn't seem like you're trying yet.

That doesn't give her much to hang onto, you're losing hope? Thats one of the most selfish things you could possibly say. Where is her hope? What have you done to ease her mind a make her think you are worth it? I'm almost certain her being angry is not out of spite, again selfish to say as much. Pain, trauma, abuse, its not pretty and pleasant. How would you expect one to act? That's a real question for you. How would you have her act knowing all the cruel things you have done to her?

See, that's how you get on her level, you put yourself in her shoes and step into her pain. I would guess you haven't truly allowed yourself to go there. Probably scary and well that would mean looking in the mirror and realizing just how destructive you've been in her life. I get it no one want to go there. But, ya kinda need to if you want any chance here.

I just bumped a thread about doing the work. I think it could be useful for you if you're ready.

I agree that it is silly for me to become defensive of this imaginary person. Which is the original intention for me posting this question because I do recognize that by default I am defensive, and then with a little bit of time I can begin to empathize. So, you're right that I have nothing to be defensive about.

I don't want to take out my pain and anger on my BW but I don't really have anyone to discuss these emotions with, and I know it is unfair to burden her with my shit on top of the anger, betrayal, and trauma I have caused. Part of the reason I have registered here is because I want to speak with people who have been there and are doing the work to make themselves safer partners.

I didn't mean for it to sound as if I am "losing hope" or not willing to put in the hard work - I was just trying to articulate the feelings of hopelessness that I get to when i experience her justifiable anger, and I know this isn't the right response for me to have. I also don't believe her anger is out of spite - I am aware that it is a direct result of my abusive behavior. I think I was projecting some of my own anxieties onto my reply because I have still been a bit emotionally raw the last few days and I am actively trying to avoid falling into the same patterns of behavior that landed me here in the first place.

I am going to try and commit to putting in more effort, and I really appreciate the replies I am getting in this thread.

Part of the reason I have registered here is because I want to speak with people who have been there and are doing the work to make themselves safer partners.

Of course, and I'm glad you made it here, it the best place to get your shit together.

And, if I know one absolute truth in all of this its that you can't be passive about all the work you have ahead of you. The road you want to walk down, its not for the weak. There's not a lot of room for self loathing and poor me attitude. Thats not to say you won't have your moments, we all do. This shit is hard. But its on you to learn to soothe yourself and learn how to cope in productive ways.

I always felt like I had a very small window to get my head out of my ass. I didn't want to prolong any more suffering or cause any more damage. I just forced myself to stop. Honestly I'm shocked sometimes the amount of extra pain some WS cause. I have a hard time relating, so I'm not always the best WS to sympathize with that. But I do know the hard work it takes to take on yourself. And the more work you do there the better you will be in becoming a safe partner. It all pours into each other on both your work and the work to helping her heal.

You have absolute control over a few things right now.

Defensiveness

Continued lying

Accountability

Start there in helping her heal. Make this your life's purpose right now. Don't know how to manage your defensiveness? Do some research and find something that resonates with you and put it into your everyday living and breathing.

You'll have to multi-task and start in on some self work. Again, research. The internet is full of reliable resources.

I don't really have anyone to discuss these emotions with

I'm all about some compassion and empathy for my fellow waywards but if all you've done is the bare minimum and are being passive about all that needs to be done, what is there to feel for? I know it sucks to he in our position, lots of pain all around. Its complete dispare! But you haven't even began the REAL struggle.

Buckle up.

foreverlabeled,

Thank you for your straightforward responses - I have been suffering a lot from self-pity especially when things get tough or my BS shows her anger and frustration and my responses have obviously been lacking in empathy which is something I have been discussing in IC.

I will work on the things I can control right now and stay engaged with the material because I have a tendency to become complacent when things are going well and I don't want to get distracted from the things I need to do. I am reading some of the thread you bumped as well and I will do some research into some of the work I need to do.

I know this will be hard - I am not sure if I fully grasp just how hard it will be but as I am trying to live life in a more authentic and courageous way (the opposite of how I have lived for most of my life) then I know that no matter how hard it is then it will be worth it.

I know this may be a silly question, but at what point did you feel that the real work started? For you at least.

For me, it started after the lies stopped.

I did everything wrong on dday and continued to do so for about 4-5 days. I was really terrified.

But, when the lies stopped it was the beginning of everything. I had to stop lying to myself first and foremost. As much as I wanted to change for the good of my marriage, I was also so sick of myself. This person wasn't created overnight, I had been living with that self for some time. And I just didn't like her anymore. I found my determination and didn't waver on my commitment.

The work doesn't start in big chunks, it was little steps down that path. The key is to keep going.

I appreciate the input. I find that I am comparing a lot of the work we WS have to do to the work that people who are Alcoholics in recovery have to do.

I am not an alcoholic but I have known some who are thankfully in recovery and I have sought advice them through this because they're some of the only people I know who have been so destructive in their lives and the lives of people they love, and have been able to do the work that is required of them to change. I know that these situations are not the same, but the advice seems to work for both of them. I think the "Big Book" says "the healing starts after the last lie is told" which is what your post reminded me of.

There is not a fun or convenient answer to your questions, and there is a definite tendency for some to assume that all will become apparent to you if you just beat yourself to a pulp or suddenly have perfect insight and empathy.

Lack of insight and empathy is what put you where you are, so your BS is probably right: you don't "get it." Not now, anyway. You should take the mental and practical effort you put into concealing your misdeeds and put it into healing yourself and your BS. That process will cause you to "get it," but the point of it is not for you to "get it." The point is for you to live authentically with and for your BS so that the extreme trauma you caused can be replaced by something healthful and new. That authenticity, of course, involves admitting to yourself and to your BS the depths of your deceit and depravity. There is no getting around that.

In the way of advice, you should treat your IC as clinically as possible and your MC as emotionally vulnerable as you can be. The reason for this is that you did this to yourself and to your marriage, so your priority should be to accept accountability in your marriage while you seek and understand the aspects of your character and personality that made you feel entitled to do what you did. Don't use whatever traumas or flaws you uncover as an excuse. Sometimes they aren't even a good EXPLANATION. You have to thread the needle of addressing what you caused while you address yourself. Your BS may care less about why you did it in favor of what you plan to do about it.

Don't feel too bad about feeling defensive, but try not to be. Of COURSE you're defensive: you spent whatever time you did concealing something indefensible. Every question, every mention of your past may seem a referendum on your character and judgment. OF COURSE you're liable to be defensive. But try not to ACT defensively: try to separate your feelings about your character shortcomings and your BS's need to understand what you did. As you begin to live more authentically, you will find that your tendency to defensiveness will start to lessen, anyway. In retrospect, in the beginning it was hard for me to distinguish what I DID from what I AM. It gets easier to understand that your infidelity is something you ARE, you have every chance to make it something you DID. Right now that might be difficult for you. You might even have one or more people in your life who are currently assuring you that this is who you are. It doesn't have to be.

Work hard to be with your BS and let her see that you may not get it, but you will, and in the meanwhile you're doing the work in the right way. You just have to accept and even embrace that it sucks, because what you did sucks. No way around that, alas. Best of luck.