SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey, y'all!

Well my second semester of paramedic school has come to a close. They say that was the hardest semester, and I came through it. I did it even in spite of the emotional chaos inside me, a bunch of work drama, and having to catch up academically and in my clinical hours because I came into this semester far behind. Apparently I have one of the higher averages in the class, which came as a real surprise to me. After so many months of struggling just to keep up and just trying to cram enough facts into my head to pass each test, I am finally starting to assimilate the knowledge and knit all these random facts together into a coherent whole. I feel more and more like my old self every day.

There will be one more semester of class work, and then I will be doing nothing but interning and of course working for pay. So that means I am halfway through this year of challenge and 2/3 through the worst of it. I cannot wait to start the next semester and continue on my educational journey!

Kiddo and I are happy in our cute little camper. We tore all the built in furniture out and made it more like a tiny house. There are still some things that need done, but over all we love it because it is ours.

My daughter (a trans woman) is getting the help she needs with her transition. She started a new job and chose to present as female from the get go. She likes new the company better than the one where we worked together (I still work there.) . Her girlfriend just recently left her own abusive home situation and now lives with an aunt not far from us. The three of us had a No-Fathers-Day picnic last Sunday.

As for STBX, I barely hear anything from him. After he told me he wants nothing to do with me, I have had absolutely no inclination to talk to him beyond just the basics, like if I need to discuss a situation about our never-ending bankruptcy or a bill from the house or something like that. Honestly, who needs that kind of irritation?

I have been reading a lot. I have read a bunch of books like the one BetterTimesAhead recommends about the covert narcissist, and more in that vein. I have realized a few things that are worth mentioning here:

1. We never truly had R. Not even after retrouvaille, when everything seemed better, did we really have it. Even the times I thought were the best, were still tainted with misery, sorrow, and irritation. I was frequently walking on eggshells and didn't even realize it until I looked back and thought about how many times I tried to put a happy face on things.

2. He was deeply abusive from the beginning of the marriage, and even before that. There were certain things I really liked about myself. My natural intelligence (I used to belong to Mensa), the fact that I earned my Bachelors degree while I was in the Army, my ability to enjoy sex in spite of my history of sexual abuse....These were all things I enjoyed and cherished about myself. These were the exact traits he attacked. He told me ridiculous things like, people think I am a snob because I come off as "too educated" and that I think I am "too good for them" and so on. He took my sexuality (Lets just be honest, I used to be dynamite in the sack) and turned it into something ugly, telling me I was too needy, too demanding, too much work.... and then leaving me to languish for weeks at a time while he amused himself with pornography and who knows what else. I used to be model-pretty, and he made me feel ugly, diminished, and defective. I could probably list off a dozen different personality traits he attacked in this way, but you get the picture. And don't even get me started on the way he got into my weaknesses and insecurities and weaponized those!

He also undermined me, all the time, about everything. Whether it was breast feeding, or my career goals, or saving money, or keeping the house neat, he seemed to purposely go against whatever I was trying to do. I have noticed this from the beginning, but chalked it up to an annoying personality trait. Now I see it as a form of abuse.

3. Looking back, I believe he had numerous emotional affairs with co-workers. There were little things that didn't sit right with me at the time, but I didn't put it together at the time. If I said anything, he would accuse me of being jealous, petty, blah blah blah. He claims he never slept with anyone else, and stresses "and that's what counts!" That might actually be true, how would I know? But he maintains he was "always faithful" and claims the things he did with that swedish whore and all his pornography don't mean anything/don't count. etc.

4. I doesn't matter anyway because I can never picture myself trusting him ever again. He is just too good at lying and I am too good at believing him. Even if he confessed to everything I suspect, how would I ever know that was all there was to know? I told him from the beginning I would not tolerate a man I could not trust.

5. I no longer care why he is the way he is. I came from a home environment every bit as bad or probably worse than his, and I did not choose to abuse or manipulate people. In fact, I made a conscious choice to NOT be that kind of person. He did what his did because he wanted to, and because I let him. His choices are the reason our marriage failed. I did all I could to try to get the marriage to work.

6. The sad irony of all this is, if he had been even half the man he pretended to be, we would have had a really great life. I would have been a doctor. I would have been an officer in the Army. After my commitment was up, I would have been able to renew my commission or rejoin civilian life with my residency completed and no student debt. He could have attended college for almost nothing (if he chose). We could have lived on Army bases around the world. We could have lived comfortably and within our means, while still being able to enjoy traveling and having nice things.

STBXWH threw away a good woman. I am strong, loyal, faithful, loving, and a bunch of other great qualities. I was a good wife to him, even though he worked hard to convince me otherwise. I tried my damndest to make that doomed marriage work. I tried to see the good in him. I forgave him again, and again, and again. I have racked my poor brain trying to figure out what my part in all this was (on top of everything else I am asking that poor organ to do right now!) and honestly, I think really the only thing I did wrong was stick around for so long and love him so blindly. I just refused to see the red flags because I truly wanted things to work between us.

[This message edited by WarriorPrincess at 9:43 PM, June 26th (Saturday)]

It doesn’t sound like the XH liked himself so there was no way he could like you (or anyone else).

Love reading your successes here!

He also undermined me, all the time, about everything. Whether it was breast feeding, or my career goals, or saving money, or keeping the house neat, he seemed to purposely go against whatever I was trying to do. I have noticed this from the beginning, but chalked it up to an annoying personality trait. Now I see it as a form of abuse.

This resonates so much! I was also making excuses for XWH and didn’t see the abuse for what it was until I left.

Glad you are doing well WarriorPrincess. Every achievement feels that little more special after the hell we have been through. You are doing great and should be very very proud of yourself!

You are kicking ass, woman. You're really doing it. You are going to be just fine!

Thanks, ladies!

I have come to realize, the longer I am away from him, the better I feel. I was on antidepressants for most of my marriage. Sometime around early February I realized I hadn't taken them in a while, and I felt fine. But I thought I "should" take them, so I tried--and they made me feel horrible. Now I don't take anything but vitamins and occasionally Motrin for my back.

Another interesting thing: A few years ago, I noticed my hair was thinning. I had one spot in the back that I could really feel. I took vitamins and bought special shampoo. That helped a little, but I was convinced I would always have a thin spot. A couple of weeks ago, I realized the thin spot is gone! It feels just like the rest of my head. Funny how just a few months away from him did what years of vitamins and expensive shampoos could not.

Here is another interesting thing: When I started my class in January, I was instantly convinced that no one liked me, that no one in the clas wanted to e my lab partner or be in a study group with me. That isn't surprising because he used to tell me all the time how nobody liked me. But guess what? People like me just fine. I have had a couple of classmates even go out of their way to help me on skills I struggle with. One guy even came up to me all excited to tell me we are going to be riding out of the same firehouse for the rest of the class, as his partner is going to be my preceptor. So yeah, as it happens I am good enough, I am smart enough, and...

wait for it...

doggone it, people actually do like me!

I have a profound sense of peace now. I was looking over some of my posts from the past year, and I can see how far I have come. I rarely have anyone to argue with any more. Stress, panic, and overwhelm are less a part of my life and are mostly school-related. I am learning about having boundaries.

I'm starting to plan for the future. I won't be in school forever, and there are things I want to do when it is over. I definitely want to take my camper on the road and work in some different places. I want to keep going to school and become a flight medic or flight nurse. Eventually I want to buy a small farmette and keep some chickens and horses. I want to adopt or foster some kids who are gay or trans and whose parents disowned them over it. There may be another husband in my future, but who knows?

Oh my gosh! I just got so sleepy. I have to go to bed now. My short weekend between semesters is over and tomorrow it's back to the grind. Love y'all!

WP, I directed myself over to this forum after reading your response on your other post.

I'm just now catching up with this thread.

honestly, I think really the only thing I did wrong was stick around for so long and love him so blindly. I just refused to see the red flags because I truly wanted things to work between us.

I completely understand this. Ditto.

I want to adopt or foster some kids who are gay or trans and whose parents disowned them over it.

This is so beautiful.

You're building (and already living) an incredible life for yourself. I'm so excited for your future. It sounds like the pre stbx WP is coming back full force.

They say that was the hardest semester, and I came through it. I did it even in spite of the emotional chaos inside me, a bunch of work drama, and having to catch up academically and in my clinical hours because I came into this semester far behind

When I was going through my D, I was also in school. I was working FT, doing an accelerated FT college program, going through the D, 2 FT kiddos with me plus all the stuff that goes with owning your own home. It was NUTZ!!!! Let me tell you - I think it is because we do not have time to even think about anything else. We keep our heads down just trying to survive it all!!! In hindsight, I have no idea how I did it either - but I did (Dean's List entire time). I just want to say I am so proud of you. Just keep doing what you are doing!!!! Don't look up - don't look back. It will all be better and brighter when you come out the other side.

Are you going for your Associates? My DS has his EMT but they are sending him back to college for his Associates in Paramedicine - is that what you are doing? I was curious about the program. I was thinking it was one year gen-ed classes and one year field training?

Regardless - just keep on my friend! It is amazing looking in the mirror and finally seeing someone you used to know come back.

(((WP))))

Oh girl you don't know how happy it makes me to see you making the changes that are going to be positive for you, and that you are coming out of the abusive cycle you were so stuck in, and seeing that it was never you that was the issue.

Keep on keeping on.... You are going to be a star.

Congrats on the medic program!

When it comes to test time, remember...Oxygen first!

Hey, y'all,

I just wanted to give a quick update. Things are so good here! Sure, I earn a pittance and live in a camper, and my car has 355k miles on it....and it's all good. I mean, my bills are tiny compared to what they were. My car still runs pretty good. I have to put a little money into it, but I am saving my pennies and building my credit so when the time comes, I can get something nice. I get along with my daughter most of the time. Campers are easy to repair compared to houses they don't have that many parts. And I can clean it in about 2 hours if I want to do everything, including pick up dog poop in the yard and clean bunny cages.

I got out of my toxic duty station and now have a peaceful post in a hospital. This is even better because I now have tome to study (or post on SI) and my new paramedic partner keeps to himself, but doesn't mind answering questions if I have them. The scheduling manager helped me arrange things so I can have 2 24-hour shifts per week and not have to miss class.

The classroom portion of school will wrap up October 14. I should be done with all my clinicals by the end of September. That leaves only the internship portion of the program and passing the National, the certification exam that will open the door for me to practice in any state I choose.

@evenkeel: This is a 1-year (or more) certificate program. It is supposedly written so that it can go directly into a Paramedic-to-RN bridge. I already have a BS in Psychology and a ton of science classes, so if I do go into nursing, I will have quite a bit of it done. Different states want different things. In Illinois, where I came from, the trend is to force everyone to get an AAS, which is 2 years.

My daughter is on her own journey. She grew up misgendered and misunderstood in the war zone that was our home. She in now on hormone therapy and in counseling, but it is going to take her a loooong time to unravel her issues. I got her into that mess, and I will stand by her until she can get out. I am trying to help her become a responsible adult, but her self-esteem issues frequently lead her to sabotage herself. I find tht now, 20 years later, I have become what I desperately did not want to be: a single parent.

I don't hear from STBXWH. Occasionally I have to talk to him about a bill or something, but other than that, nada. This doesn't hurt as much as I used to think it would. After that day at the beginning of June when he said he didn't want anything to do with me, he tried to reach out a couple of times. At first he tried to walk it back and say "I only meant for now, not permanently." Well, guess what? I'm done being jerked around like that. Next time, say what you mean, motherfucker! So when he tried to offer his condolences because someone told him I had posted on Facebook that my cat had died, I thought, "You don't want anything to do with me, remember?" And I remained silent. And when he tried to send me a cute cartoon, same. Now he doesn't try any more, and I don't care. Well, maybe a little. I care enough to hope it hurt like a bitch when neither my daughter nor I said so much as "fuck you" on Father's Day. But then, that's a perfect example of "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes." He wanted to play that game of jerking me around and trying to get a reaction out of "I want nothing to do with you" this is what he gets. Too damn bad. OK, so maybe I'm still a little irritated. If irritation like that keeps me from falling into his dumb traps, that's fine.

Sometimes I still get a little sad and miss the life I used to have, or used to think I had. Mostly I miss my hens and my neighbor and some of the physical aspects of having an actual house, like having room for big soap making projects or canning projects or whatever. I've come to terms that most of what I thought I had in my marriage was false. There were some good times, sure, but I don't think they were worth the cost.

Many of my better memories of our marriage involve parenting moments or day trips or family vacations. Almost all families have moments like those. None of my "good" memories are so unique that they couldn't have happened with anyone else. I could have told him to get lost that day in Chicago in 2000 when he told me I should jump on the train tracks, and then met and married anyone else. I would still have parenting moments, vacation memories, and day trips, but they would not be tainted with the underlying dishonesty and insecurity that stained my entire marriage.

There was only one thing I wanted that relied solely on him. That was my dream of a long, loving marriage to my lifelong best friend. That dream was my motivation for hanging on for so very long, when I had so little else to hold on to. After he sabotaged my career dreams, devestitated us financially, made a pigsty of our home, and refused to have more children, that was the only dream I had left. Unfortunately, the one person who could have made that possible, also made it impossible.

(Just now I realized that after he fucked up all my other plans, I started making new plans about an exciting retirement filled with service, time outdoors, creative endeavors, travel, and adopted children. It took about a year after his stroke for me to retool my expectations but as soon as I did, BAM! That was when he suddenly changed his mind about where "we" were going to retire, what kind of home "we" would have, etc. These were plans that we had been making for years, mind you. That was also when he started hating all the things we used to enjoy together, like hiking. Apparently he just wanted to prevent me from having any dreams or expectations whatsoever. Gawd, what a dick!)

Well, I talked about him more than I had planned on. However, since his bullshit behavior is the reason I am on this site to begin with, I guess it's not unexpected.

Yesterday I had 2 female patients who were over 90 years old, both still mentally sharp and in decent health. I can totally see myself being just like them one day. I used to think my life was mostly over. It can be disheartening being the oldest one in my class by 10 years or more, and even my preceptor is the same age as my daughter! But now I am thinking differently. Say I start now on a 20 year career. That would still put me in my early 70's to retire. I can't picture myself even wanting to retire any earlier than that. And just think of all the things a person can do in 20 years if she puts her mind to it!

I just bet STBXWH thought he was going to waste my entire life and then just discard me for a younger model. Well, my condolences to the next victim, but I'm not done living yet.

Posts like this one are why I stay on SI - I love to see this incredible transformation in people, when they go on to do more than they ever thought they could.

WP, you are such an inspiration to so many! Congratulations on all you have accomplished so far, and I'm sure I'm not alone in eagerly awaiting how your life -- already better than it was a few years ago -- will just keep getting better and better!

What's that thing they say?

The truth shall set you free.

I did the same mental dance with my xwh too WP. Wanting so desperately for things to work that I put up with shit I cannot believe now when I look back on it. Like you, once I took the pink lenses off and SAW him for who he was (and more crucially, who he wasn't) I was finally able to let go and move forward. That wasn't without some pain, but maaaaan getting free of him was so worth it.

I'm so so SO happy for you that you've freed yourself honey. You deserve so many good things and your life is entirely too precious to waste on a hot mess like your stbxwh.

Ftg. I like you plenty and I've never even met you!!

Congrats on the paramedic school progress! I love hearing stuff like this and am so impressed with this!

Congratulations, WP. You are kicking ass and seeing the light. So happy you and your daughter are building a beautiful, happy life together.

Glad to read a totally positive message from you. You deserve it

It's not all beautiful. I am tired of always being alone. Not just alone, not in a marriage, although that part sucks. I mean, just physically alone. I barely ever see my daughter. I am usually here at the camper alone. When I have preceptor time, I am expected to study all day, and I can't study when there is noise, so I have to be alone. I hike...alone. Walk the dogs..... alone. Study.....alone. Run errands......alone. Even at work, its not a normal workplace with people. There is me and one other person, waiting for calls. The other guy usually locks himself in his room and I am stuck....alone. I don't have any of my normal friend network since they are all in Illinois.

My ex is a jerk, but he could be good company when he wanted to. He would have quizzed me on flashcards or watched TV with me or sat on the porch and watched a sunset. At least, before his stroke he would have done that. The last year or two....maybe not. He got so weird and mean toward the end. I have to keep reminding myself that the marriage I remember is not the marriage I ultimately left. Although the marriage was a trainwreck since before the beginning, there were enough good moments to keep it going for a long time.... until there weren't. I really think the stroke simply destroyed his ability to keep up the charade so I could finally see what he had been all along. But honestly, sometimes I miss my life with the charade. I miss what I thought I had. Being on my own isn't that much fun and I'm not always sure the charade wasn't the better deal.

Last weekend, I worked 48 hours. The last 24 was with a guy who is apparently binge-watching the Simpsons. My ex and daughter are huge simpsons fans, and I can't count all the times we watched the show together. Hearing the show through the wall made me miss my old life so much. Sometimes I wish I had never figured it out, that he was abusive and a liar. I wish I still didn't know so I could at least pretend I was happy and still be in my comfort zone.

Maybe try reframing. Instead of 'alone'...

I hike..... free of a cheater and at peace.

Walk the dogs..... free of a cheater and at peace.

Study..... free of a cheater and at peace.

Run errands..... free of a cheater and at peace.

You get the idea. I know it is hard for a lot of people adjusting to alone time after S (I am a fortunate one in that regard because I prefer being alone to being around others LOL), but instead of focusing on 'alone', instead focus on what you're gaining by ridding yourself of a cheater. You're gaining peace. You're gaining self-respect. You're gaining mental clarity.

You're gaining freedom. You're gaining the opportunity to find a healthy relationship with a loving healthy person instead of staying tied to an anchor that has just been dragging you down.

I wish I still didn't know so I could at least pretend I was happy and still be in my comfort zone.

I do understand this, but that is all it was - pretending. You deserve REAL. And hard as it is, getting out of your comfort zone is almost always beneficial to you in the long run. Out of your comfort zone is where change happens.

Hang in there WP - it does get easier the further out you get.

I'm not even free. I hike....stuck with all the negative thoughts. I walk the dogs.....and my head is full of negative thoughts. He isn't here to abuse me, so I do it myself. I have spent the entire day telling myself that I am fat, homely, stupid, and not cut out to be a paramedic. I had a scenario today and totally fucked it up, in front of the whole class. I hate those fucking scenarios, because I always get flustered and make myself look like a moron in front of the whole class.

I am never going to be free. He still has hold of me. I still believe all the shit he told me about myself. I hate who I am. I hate feeling fat, dumb, and ugly. I am never going to learn all this shit and someday I am going to kill somebody, if I ever pass this class at all.

Please don't tell me I need IC. I know I need it, but I can't do it right now. I need to go to the dentist and primary care, too, and it all has to wait.

ETA: Now that I am thinking about it, I have been really not myself since Sunday, when I worked with the guy who was watching the Simpsons all day. It must have triggered me worse than I thought. I have been unable to focus on school at all. I did terrible on my training day yesterday, and I did terrible in class today. I feel like I have been set back by months. Does anybody know what I can do about this? I can't stand myself this way.

[This message edited by WarriorPrincess at 12:23 AM, August 4th (Wednesday)]

OK, WP. You've had a setback, clearly. All of us here know that this healing thing is not linear. You took a misstep and slipped and slid down the rabbit hole. Now you're at the bottom looking up wondering how you ever going to get out. And you know what, it probably was The Simpsons that did it. Makes perfect sense. We never know what little triggers are going to affect us. Allow yourself to feel woe is me... But try to limit it to one day.

As far as the scenario, we all screw those up sometimes. You are not meant to be perfect. You are still in training. This is where it's okay to make mistakes. And rest assured, that if that scenario happens in real life, you will not make that mistake again. That's the cool thing about emergency services, it's amazing what our brains remember NOT to do, once we screw it up once!

As far as the stupid and inept comment, wow, my stbx used those exact words on a daily basis towards the end. And this is when he was supposed to be perfect, trying to R. Know that that is his disordered brain and has nothing to do with you. You are not stupid. You are not inept. Those other words of a proven liar, who you have surgically removed from your life.

You're feeling fat. We all go through that once in awhile. You are just in a funk. A lot of times, that's just your body telling you to pay attention to it. I know you are swamped with training and school, but do you have any time during the day to move? Just walk, or exercise? Not for the purpose of losing weight, but just so that your body feels healthy and strong. I've discovered YouTube workout videos. I do between 10 and 15 minutes at a time, because that's all I have the motivation or time for. Just those few minutes here and there make me feel better and healthier. It's a way of checking in with my body. A little gift I give myself. There's no way that 5 minute abs are going to give me a fitness model physique, but it resets my brain to celebrating the things my body can do, no matter what it looks like. This sounds like a head issue for you, not a true body issue.

Thinking of you. (((WP)))

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:30 AM, August 4th (Wednesday)]

Right after I separated my mom and my sis took me to an outdoor concert. I was really looking forward to having a pleasant night with my fam. While we were parking the car, I saw a girl who resembled the ap. Bam! Night ruined. I got the shakes. And then cried most of the evening and just couldn't wait to leave and go home. Triggers are a bitch.

All I can tell you about those is that they get better with time. I know it doesn't feel like that now but I promise they do.

I also understand the negative thought loop vacuums that suck you in. Sounds silly but when I feel myself start spiraling, I go look at myself in a mirror and tell that glorious bitch staring back at me what a badass she is. I tell her all the things about her that are good. I tell her that all those negative thoughts are a bunch of bullshit spoken by little men who want to dim her shine and cut her down so they can feel important and less threatened by her fabulousness. And you know? A few minutes of that always helps me reset and recenter. Give it a try. Even if you feel silly doing it at first.

I couldn't afford IC either for a long time. I was on a good antidepressant for about a year after S/D. Five stars, highly recommend. A good ad can help dim the volume on those negative thoughts.

You aren't fat or stupid or useless. You're brave and courageous and strong. Choosing to pursue a job and having the courage to leave a marriage to an abusive asshat are not things stupid people do. Those are fucking badass steps that take strength and fortitude and balls my friend.

Hang in there WP. None of the process of D is easy, but getting clear of a toxic marriage is so worth it.