SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Background: As part of my IC post Dday, my therapist recommended me to join IRL young adult groups on my areas of pre-marriage personal interest. One of those was a monthly book club. Lots of members have come and gone; the location has changed multiple times, the book selection has evolved as our lives have changed; yet, almost 15 years later, it’s part of my safe and happy routine until this past Thursday morning I got an odd text message from one of the members. It only said “can we talk?”

We mostly group text because I am the only single one left and it makes easier to plan gatherings. Also, I must add that I tried extra hard to always be Switzerland I have already lost too many good guy friends in my life and my therapist agreed it was a healthy boundary.

Anyhow, finally by Friday morning, I talked myself into texting back “Yes”. The call came in 45 minutes later and it only lasted 27 minutes and 45 seconds but I am still spinning. They are getting divorce and there are allegations of abuse I listened. I offered moral support and prayers but now I am extremely conflicted Do I owe the other party an opportunity to share their side of the story? Do I pretend like I don’t know what is going on? Is this just my atypical brain overthinking and getting overwhelmed?

You don't say how close you are to the members of the group, and specifically this couple, so...

I'd remember that divorce is a war, and that both sides may make unsupportable / untrue claims about the other side because, in a divorce, people think that they have to "win" and that causes them to inflate / prevaricate / generally be nasty.

The party to whom you spoke is undergoing a _lot_ of emotions right now. They're trying to get their mind around it (probably) and possibly they're trying for "revenge" on the STBXspouse.

Also, and take it from me, you most bodaciously do _not_ want to be in the middle. Of a contentious divorce. at all.

So, lessen your emotional ties to the couple (internally, at least), draw back a bit, and do a bit of gray-rocking. That is, listen and give helpful support as if the allegations were true, but don't get all involved in the drama.

That's my view, at any rate. Hope you can get some insight from it.

**disclaimer…HR exec for almost 30 years

Early in my career I finally figured out the thought process of “he/she who gets to HR first wins”. Needless to say that is far from the truth and there is usually a whole lot of gray to figure out. My job requires me to investigate and speak with all parties involved. This is sooooo far from what you are facing.

Interesting that the abused(?) spouse came to you. Do they know your history?

It sounds like this has been a safe place for you for many years. But we all know what it was like in needing to word vomit at times. I agree in how well do you know both parties? That would be a consideration in speaking w the other spouse.

I can’t imagine that the other spouse is going to try and remain part of the book club???

You don't say how close you are to the members of the group, and specifically this couple, so...

I am not a “people person” so it’s hard to tell. This couple are the host. In general, I stay in contact with them frequently but not weekly. Pre-pandemic, I saw them regularly at least one every four weeks. Since the pandemic, we have Skype 8, Zoom 2, WebEx 2 times in 15 months. In addition to regular book club gatherings, we celebrate together birthdays, some holidays, and RC milestones e.g., baptisms, first communion, etc.

Interesting that the abused(?) spouse came to you. Do they know your history?

Yes and no. I think they were just dating and I was recently divorced when I joined their Book Club. Over the years, I have only shared bits and pieces and mostly because we were discussing themes, characters, or plots. Their greater insight comes probably from the annulment process updates I provided before it was granted.