SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello!

My XWW has been so difficult to deal with. I have been separated since Nov. 2020 and the D was final in March 2021, but she still is so very bitter and angry. She mainly texts to let me know what bad dad I am and what a "joke" I have always been. I had the crazy idea that these things would lessen in time, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I know that I should not take any of it to heart, but it does piss me off. I mainly ignore it, but have responded at times reminding her that she caused all of this-and that I gave her 3 years to try and make it work. How do I get this crap to stop? I have researched dealing with high conflict ex-spouses, dealing with a narcissistic ex-spouse (which she nails to the T), and the research indicates that ignoring is the best way to go, but with kids and the persistent badgering-it makes it difficult. Any insight of what has worked for you is greatly appreciated!

She is a drinker and these texts seemed to be alcohol-induced.

Best advice is to Ignore, Ignore, Ignore. Like a boxer she will eventually tire herself out. Trust me any response by you, Will be like adding fule to a fire. She is doing this to get a response form you...

Have you read about the grey rock method/technique ? It's for short term only because it involves learning detachment (which can be unhealthy long term) but it is designed for dealing with difficult/toxic/psychopathic/narcissistic people.

I have been implementing it since early 2021 and it has helped with these kind of hostile/hard to manage/hard not to react confrontations.

Do not warm her of this: I would definitely email your atty who will email her atty, or if you used the same atty, will send a certified letter ordering her to stop. I can’t believe she’s sending it in texts. Dummy. Change her name on your address list so that it shows her actual phone number and take screen shots of all of them -to prove it was her. I believe you can email them directly to her atty, but attys also don’t like their clients to do stupid things, so her atty might act more quickly to shut it down hearing from your attt. Sometimes it only takes a letter threatening legal action. I had to do this, btw. Ignoring her is good, but it’s time to shut it down. Also if she’s drinking when your kids are there she could lose visitation.

It REALLY helped when my xh was called out by his atty, bc they don’t like to look bad to certain people.

I guess you could also contact law enforcement and ask what to do.

(It’s been 10 years and every now and then xh and ow try to get me to engage. -last week they drove down my street for no reason while my 2 adult sons and I were walking. I kept on walking. I wanted to yell “pathetic” to them but I kept walking and then kept my back to them as they passed. They have taken me to court in the past and I never responded to them personally, I won in court and they looked ridiculous. They also wouldn’t return my son after visitation and I didn’t warn them when I had the police go get my child. One time OW texted me saying their family was now complete since the kids were over there for Christmas vacation. Pathetic. I didn’t respond bc I don’t talk to dodo on the bottom of my shoe and that’s what they are! - but I got my atty to respond

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:35 AM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

Since your divorce is final the only point of contact should be your kids. You should only respond to texts about the kids. Answers are as short as possible, as close to yes or no as you can get them, and neutral in tone. The point of gray rock is to become the most boring entity on earth. No emotion, no pique, no wit. Offer her nothing.

Look into a parenting app to further reduce contact.

My exww tried that crap too. Do not respond to anything other than kids and finances (if any). The more you ignore and grey rock a Narcissist, the less they will try and get a reaction out of you. They don't care what the reaction is, positive or negative, doesn't matter to them. Ignore and eventually they'll find their new supply to leech off of.

Sincerely, everything is still my fault, until the end of time!

I know that I sound like a broken record (I've brought up similar concerns in previous posts), but my gosh it's exhausting! I worry that the kids hear her vent to her friends, etc.

All very helpful ideas and reminders.

Other than being there for her kids, I wish that she would go away from me!

No, sadly, it might not ever stop.

My xWW has been and is doing precisely the same.

We had trial in September 2020, 2 years after her decision to file for a divorce. She had already been dating her new guy for 1.5 years at this point (and cheating on him, repeatedly). She lied lied and lied some more to convince our custody evaluator to award her 70% custody of our kids (and the associated child support payment). Furthermore, she had gotten a temporary ruling that was so unfair in her favor that she had saved almost $15,000 over the previous 12 months, whereas I had to take a second job and I was still unable to pay all of my bills (and mind you, I make double her income, prior to support payments).

While at trial, I had an expert witness who showed up a little early and he got to watch about 20 minutes of her testimony. After trial, this expert witness called my attorney afterwards to inquire if I had cheated on her because she was SO ANGRY. ... basically, he had worked with me directly for maybe an hour and he assumed that I wasn't the type to cheat on my wife.

Simply put, narcissists often have a need to make themselves out to be the victim. That is the case with my xWW and I am guessing the same is true of yours.

The solution? Don't get involved to the best of your ability -- the grey rock approach. Do not respond to her emotional accusations with anything that is opinion. Just that facts, ma'am.

She's not your monkey and she's not your circus. She will likely disparage you to your kids, repeatedly -- narcissists are well-known to practice parental alienation.

This disparagement is specifically forbidden by my parenting agreement. Whenever I find out something specific, I send her a bland message that reports my evidence and a statement that she's violating the parenting agreement (I usually quote the parenting agreement). She always responds with vitriol, but I don't respond to that.

I don't ever bring up her lying, cheating, or other BS. I don't discuss anything personal or anything that could be characterized as an opinion.

The beauty of the grey rock approach is that it is the MOST OFFENSIVE THING THAT YOU COULD EVER DO TO HER. She doesn't care whether or not you love her or hate her as long as you fill her need for attention. Grey rocking it starves her attention appetite. It's painful beyond belief.

And here is the best part... eventually, you stop pretending to be a grey rock and you actually stop caring about anything that she says or does. It's like the weather... it can be rain, sun, hurricane or blizzard... it's out of your control. You deal with it, but it really doesn't affect your day to day life.

(to be honest, my xWW could drop dead and it wouldn't affect me emotionally -- I never knew the real xWW anyway).

I would save those text and show them to your attorney. There is such a thing called domestic violence, and it does not have to be physical which most people assume. Verbal attacks are treated the same and there is now case law that proves this.

If you want it to stop, contact an attorney and show them all the disparaging text and threats, file an RO against your ex, and seek to gain more custody of your children. What your ex doesn't know is all the while she is badgering you about being as shitty parent, she is doing it herself (I'm not saying you are). You can use this to get her to stop, and more importantly, get additional time with your kids.

You can get a court administered email account for coparenting. Then block her on everything else.

If you saved the text messages, emails this should get set up quickly.

The more you ignore and grey rock a Narcissist, the less they will try and get a reaction out of you.

^^^This

My ex narc finally stopped after 10 months. I still occasionally get the victim "poor me" text but I ignore.

All great advice. Ignore. Don’t take it to heart. This is very common. The anger and hate. If you need a prime example check out the posts by The Bard. His exWW was exactly the same. Remember, how sad and pathetic a person must be to wallow and obsess in such anger and hate. She wants to get under your skin. Don’t let her.

It *should* stop with time & a solid "grey rock"... but it doesn't always. 8.5 years after separation & five years after the D was finalized my exWH continues to bash me to our adult kids. It's still all my fault & he backs it up with "proof" (blatant lies).

I would plan on taking steps to stop it, if you have young enough kids. Mitigating the damage is worth the hassle.

Dig deep & learn to accept she's truly a broken person, & try not to let it get to you. I have varying amounts of success with this method, depending on how much gets back to me about how I'm being dragged through the mud. (In my case I live with our emotionally disabled daughter & she shares with me, despite me asking her not to. She's incapable of understanding the hurt it causes me & she's suicidal, so I let her vent in order to hopefully help her keep from hurting herself. Her therapist also helps).

I NEVER engage my xWH or OW, personally. That would only give them satisfaction in knowing they've gotten to me.

[This message edited by WowItsReallyReal at 11:00 AM, July 8th (Thursday)]

Thanks for the words of wisdom!

I think I'm pretty close, mentally, just gotta keep pushing thru!

In addition to all of the great advice, I'd recommend doing some reading on intermittent reinforcement and extinction burst. Because you have occasionally responded (and that's her goal) you've taught her that if she just tries hard enough, you will respond. If you ignore her for 2 weeks and then respond, you've taught her to be persistent and sometime around 2 weeks, you'll respond. And it often gets worse before it gets better (extinction burst) where she will ramp up the contact hoping you will crack. It is so important that you show no reaction to her attempts, or you have just made life so much worse for your future self. Hopefully you can make yourself so boring that she goes away and finds other amusement. But fight the urge to respond!!!

Is there a legitimate reason why you've granted her the PRIVELEGE to having access to you? It's over. You've endured infidelity and seeking to survive it.

Now you're trying to endure and survive post divorce abuse as well? She should be so far in your rear view mirror, her image is indiscernible. But somehow she's still in the backseat yelling in your ear.

it often gets worse before it gets better (extinction burst) where she will ramp up the contact hoping you will crack.

This ^^^. Going gray rock is the goal, but narcissists are notorious for lashing out if they feel they are losing control. Expect her to ramp up once you start, but stay the course and keep ignoring unless specifically kid related. Then only brief (yes/no, if possible) answers. No emotion. No extraneous verbiage. No insight into you or your life.

Save all those nasty texts from her. Document, document, document. They may become evidence if parental alienation becomes an issue and you go back to court.

Save the texts.

You probably could already have a harassment case if you dont respond to her.

You may need to do that in the future, just ignore her and save the evidence.