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So everybody knows what an abusive ass hat my soon-to-be ex is. And I know very well why we can't stay together and why I have to get away from him. But every once in a while, I still miss him. Obviously I don't miss the verbal abuse. I don't miss being jerked around. Of course I don't miss why he tried to make me feel bad about myself and undermine my confidence. But right now my entire life is nothing but work and school. My friends are never available on the rare occasions when I am. I never do anything for fun these days. I really even have a meaningful conversation with anyone anymore. Honestly, I'm lonely. And at times like this sometimes I get to missing him. Because we really did used to have a lot of fun sometimes. He was usually up for some kind of Adventure until the last year or so when he got so weird and mean. He would watch any kind of a movie with me even if it was something he never wanted to watch on his own. We always had things to talk about. So yeah, sometimes I really really miss him. This is normal, right? It feels nuts to miss somebody who treated me so badly.

((WP))

The abuser, that's who he is. I do believe you are lonely. And I do believe you miss the idea of him. Not actually him.

It's okay to feel sad and lonely sometimes. Just do not let it sway you from your course. You are on the road to healthy. Keep heading that way.

Right now, stbx is heading to a weekend vacation with my kids, new girlfriend, and her kids. Like one big happy fucking family. And I'm single and alone in my house. I'm going for walks and bike rides because they don't cost anything. Tying up loose ends around here. I feel the loneliness creeping in, but it's not real. I'm not in a bad place. I'm heading to healthy with you.

Hang in there. I'll do this with you. We can do it together.

It's normal. Narcissists are very charismatic, otherwise, who would stick around??? So be sad. It's ok to miss the good times as long as you snap that metaphorical rubberband and remind yourself of his very worst side. Remember the name calling, the insults, the hatred on his face. That will give you shudders and keep you away until you can build up your network.

I live near you, WP. Just drove by last weekend on my way to MI for vacation. I am always busy and don't do online acquaintances f2f, but sometimes I think about driving over to meet you. You seem like one awesome lady. You will meet people, make friends, build future relationships. You will be fine. Hang in there.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 9:42 AM, July 9th (Friday)]

Yep all normal.

He was part of your life for a really long time WP, and whatever bad shit he did it's gonna take time to adjust to not having him there. That's the whole grieving thing. It sucks, but it's temporary.

I kept a notebook near me for the first couple months after separation and every time I started feeling the sads, I would write down either things he did that sucked and hurt me, or I would write down things I was gaining by dumping his ass. It helped.

And let me just add - I would go through the sads all over again 100 times to get to where I am nowadays. My life is calm, and peaceful, and filled with people who matter to me and who I trust. I don't second guess my judgement anymore. I don't walk on eggshells in my own house. You'll get there too - just stay the course.

(((WP)))

I kept a notebook near me for the first couple months after separation and every time I started feeling the sads, I would write down either things he did that sucked and hurt me,

I did this, too! Right after we separated I started a list in my journal called "reasons to never take him back.". Over the course of weeks I kept adding to it as I thought of more shit from the past that he did. If I felt myself getting weak, or the hoovering was especially powerful, I would read that list. It kept me on my course.

Make a list, WP. Keep it in a handy location and add to it as you think of things. Read it everyday. It really works.

This is so normal. I used to get very angry at myself when I'd miss my XWH because I knew exactly what a cheating dumpster fire he actually was. What I missed was that fake guy I was in love with. We don't get funerals for the fake guy when he dies. He just stops existing and some other person stands in his skin to confuse us. There's no closure, so we still miss that dude for a while at first. I never did miss the real man I discovered underneath. A list is a really good idea. I did that too.

You don't just stop loving someone.

I think that is one of the hardest parts of this whole mess.

This is normal, right? It feels nuts to miss somebody who treated me so badly.

As others have noted, it's quite normal. My STBX moved out three weeks ago. A part of me misses her. Or rather, a part of me misses who I thought she was and wanted her to be. I suppose, too, that part of me that misses her misses what was once a source of joy.

What I do know is that I don't miss the woman she became. I don't miss the fights and resentments and constantly tearing one another apart.

As I start to untangle my own feelings, I'm finding a greater level of peace. Keep searching for your own peace, WarriorPrincess, of mind, body and spirit. That's what I'm trying to do and I think that's the best any of us can do.

Honestly, I'm lonely. And at times like this sometimes I get to missing him.

One more thought: this is what therapists and others mean when they say, "There is no way around, only through." When we sit in pain, it makes us wonder--or even worse, believe--that we have made a mistake or done something wrong to cause this pain. If it was the right choice, why do I miss him? Why do I hurt? The pain makes us question ourselves. But we feel that pain because we have to feel all the feelings, all the grief, all the loss that come as a natural part of ending a connected relationship, even a bad one. There is no other way to get to peace and happiness except through all of the sadness and loss.

It's normal and right and healthy to grieve and feel your difficult and painful feelings, WP. I am very sorry that these feelings have to be there, but loss is a part of life and you are showing strength in marching through. Best wishes to you as always.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:03 PM, July 9th (Friday)]

Thank you so much, all of you. Anyone who would be interested in an actual real-life friendship, I am taking offers.

I'm planning a build-your-own sundae party with the kid tonight, just the two of us.

I am trying to accept that this is just for a season, anyway. In 3 months I will be done with the classroom portion of my school, and in 6-9 months I will have finished my preceptorship, and be on to other things.

As I struggle with this, I have worked out that there are a few separate issues. The first is, I walked out on the love of my life because I was not willing to take his abuse any more. That is a complicated and difficult thing to upack right there.

I am also grieving because my kid is growing away from me (as kids do) and I never even got to know her as she truly is. (She is transgendered and only started presenting as a female since we moved out.)

Then there is just the sheer demand of my schedule. Every day involves either work, class time, clinicals, preceptor time, or some combination of everything. And studying. The studying takes up almost every spare minute. I could study 24/7 and not cover all the information they are throwing at me. I carve out a little time for myself in the mornings to do a 15 minute yoga routine and take the dogs for a walk. And I read a book (fiction) for 10 minutes at night before I go to sleep. I squeeze in a little time for adulting and that's it, that's my life!

Add to that, my job sucks. It is a creepy abusive workplace full of creepy abusive people. I currently work 24 hours shifts with a woman I cannot stand, and she cannot stand me. We literally do not speak to each other unless it is about the patient.

I also did not realize how isolated I had become. I pretty much wrote off all my friends as not having anything in common any more.

So this is a really crappy season of life right now. I need a plan.

A plan sounds like a great idea. Given everything else you have on your plate, now's probably not the time to try to start adding social obligations in, but I've found that I was better able to handle stressful situations when I knew they were only for a defined time - and it sounds like yours are!

I was single for over 3 years after divorce. When I got divorced, I had no friends (I did have some acquaintances) because WXH had abusively isolated me from everyone without me realizing what had happened.

When I was single, I cultivated a friend group that I was determined to maintain even after I was partnered up again. For me, having friends really helped with the loneliness I felt in the beginning. Even having someone to text with in the evenings after work.

Is your toxic work environment part of school, or is there a way for you to get a different position? That sounds awful and I'd guess is contributing to your feelings.

This is normal. It is temporary. In a few years, once you have rebuilt your life, you will have trouble remembering the bad parts. You've got this!