SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm usually pretty good at giving advice to friends and family so when a friend asked to meet me for dinner to talk, I accepted. Well, this is a complicated one for me so I thought I'd see what others may say.

She has been in a LDR for about 1.5yrs and it was a really good relationship. A few snags here and there, but overall, they were both happy and things were moving forward. Then, February happened and things have changed.

He was diagnosed with an illness that is very serious and may cut his life expectancy down to a couple of years. She accepted this and while he had doubts it was the right thing for her, they were still good. In fact, they had talked and she was planning on moving to him at the end of the year.

Recently, they got into a disagreement and in the middle of it, his father passed away. The day after his father passed, he told her that he wasn't going to do that to anyone. That he's not going to be in a relationship, that this opened his eyes to his situation, and that they could still talk as friends, but that was it. Since then, he has been distant and she's worried about how to handle this.

I told her he was going through something really big and that she needed to be patient. To be there for him, but to not talk about their relationship right now. That she can address it with him in a couple of months. Luckily, that was also her thoughts so she took it well. She's just unsure how to be there for him when he's distancing himself. She texts him a couple of times a day about regular things, just trying to keep them connected.

What do you guys think? Should she just text as she has been? Should she call him? He said he'd call her a couple of times, but never did. He did apologize though.

Another thing is that she thinks that once things settle down and they can really talk, that they will be a couple again. That once she explains her thoughts on his illness and how she feels, that he'll realize that he's just being stubborn. I'm afraid she may be setting herself up for disappointment and I'm not sure how to help with that. Any thoughts?

That he's not going to be in a relationship, that this opened his eyes to his situation, and that they could still talk as friends, but that was it. Since then, he has been distant and she's worried about how to handle this.

He has broken up with her. Granted, the reasons are very complicated, but the result is the same. I would not be advising her to continue this long distance and seemingly one way friendship. While he apologized for not calling….he still never called. Again, the result is the same.

I would advise her to quit contacting (or hoping the continued contact reignites the relationship) and begin to focus on herself and what she needs to be move forward with another man if that is what she decides to do at some point, but do not wait around for him to magically see the error of his decisions.

I can only imagine dealing with his own health and then the death of a parent, but he seemed to cut her off decisively and is sticking to that boundary.

She's taking hits from the "hopium" pipe.

Waiting around for someone to realize just how wonderful you really are is a very passive course of action and is likely not going to be effective.

I would say she should cut contact and move on. Not in dating right away, but in not being chatty and available to him.

She should determine what she wants in a relationship and be prepared to look for that when she is ready.

Cat

the error of his decisions

The error of his decisions? LOL, that's rich.....

So the guy is told he only has a couple of years left to live and his father passes away, decides that he doesn't want to drag her down with someone whose is dying is the one making a bad decision??? Seriously??

Sounds a lot more like the lady (not unlike others) is hoping that she can change him, change his mind. I'm not sure how you all read it differently. He said he doesnt want this, doesnt want to die off and do that to anyone. Probably because it was so painful for him when his father passed away.

If you're in a relationship, getting into a relationship or otherwise and hoping to change someone, or someones mind, I'd say NO BUENO. We see many BSs on this site, and advise them to listen and watch peoples actions, bc thats who they are. This is no different. He's not a bad person, he is dying, give him some room and some grace to live the life that he wants for the last 2 yrs that he is still alive.

I would say to your friend, if she wants to text him every once in awhile to check in on him, his health and "IF" he wants to reconnect he will let her know. I wouldn't go chasing someone who told you otherwise, hoping to convince him otherwise.

He broke up with her.

Her response reminds me of some of the stories in woman that love too much.

As a man, I imagine if I clearly had an expiration date in front of me and I wanted to cut people out of my life, it would be something done with a lot of consideration and pain.

So the guy is told he only has a couple of years left to live and his father passes away, decides that he doesn't want to drag her down with someone whose is dying is the one making a bad decision??? Seriously??

Sounds a lot more like the lady (not unlike others) is hoping that she can change him, change his mind. I'm not sure how you all read it differently.

Halftime, I think you misinterpreted AnnieOakley's comment. She agrees with you. I think she was referring to this lady's false hopes about changing his mind. Key words "false hopes". Hence the word "magically."

I agree with all of the above. The lady should back off. Stop contact. Let the man live his life as he chooses.

Even if she does change his mind, he will likely be dead by then, so what's the point?

She should stop contacting him completely.

Let me tell you, he is doing her a favor. It is a special kind of horrible to watch someone die slowly. It is even worse when you are "just" the girlfriend, who gets none of the consideration of an actual spouse. And then when they die and you grieve, no one else gets it. They say things like, "what is wrong with you? it's not like you were married or something!"

He did her a favor. She should accept it.