SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Separated now for a week, WW rented a place. Divorce attorney is selected and on retainer, but I haven’t pressed the start button. WW still wants to reconcile, but anyone familiar with my story is aware of the deflection, minimizing, gas lighting, and physical abuse (her

on me). While I can honestly say some progress was made in her empathy, her individual work, and in our communication, the post DD behaviors by her may be more than I want to forgive. Some say its not the affairs, but the post wayward actions (new lies, new gaslighting, etc.) that end the M. I think I may fall into this camp, with an ability to forgive multiple affairs, but to never be able to trust due to post DD cover up. So update for now is simply separated.

I was in separation limbo for two years.

I haven’t read your story. I am sorry for your betrayal, I know the agony.

If I can say something maybe a bit different. Pay attention to how you feel ]in your body. Every time my head said get back together, I tensed up. I realize now that he is gone I am more relaxed and the gut stress is less.

I was so used to him. The miserable him. That when he paid attention, improved, said what I had wanted to hear my neediness said All better. My body never did. Sometimes it is simply too much. I haven’t seen him in 2 months. Talked to him twice. Guess what, I don’t miss him. Not at all.

Don’t get me wrong, I am still dealing. I am going through an angry phase right now which I will not suppress, I will walk through it and hope I will be better for it. Soon he will become a nothing. Just a man I was married too.

You can walk through this too, just listen to your gut. It is usually right

It's easy for abusive people to put on a good show for a few weeks (or months) when D is on the table. But as soon as it is clear that they will not get their way, the mask slips again and their true colors are revealed. Is this part of your hesitation in filing? Do you think she will respond poorly to being served?

No contact is your best path. You are the only one that can keep yourself in this. She can’t. Unless you let her.

But as soon as it is clear that they will not get their way, the mask slips again and their true colors are revealed. Is this part of your hesitation in filing?

That’s a good read. Each step towards divorce and WW has a miraculous new breakthrough. This leads me to believe her insights and empathy are contrived. But even if not contrived they are forced through self preservation of a rather fine lifestyle I afforded her. It seems that empathy gained that way is not a freely given gift of love, but rather an act of “selfish”self preservation. Are acts of empathy offered from self preservation any different from the selfishness that led to her poor choice? Meaning she may have no real introspection or personal insights that I can trust.

Also, a long happy marriage for me. I really thought I had the best wife a man could ever desire. Yet, here I am.

Press the button.

Try going no contact for a couple of weeks.

I experience the same as Tallgirl. I am so much calmer with him away from me. Sure I have cried and grieved but there is just no getting around that, staying together or not, we must grieve what we lost when the cheating happened.

Stay busy. My WS was responsible for our backyard and he neglected it. I spent all day today pulling up dead plants and washing the patio and all of the patio furniture. It looks so pretty. It is mine and it is calm out there and I love it.

For me it is the same as you say, the shit after the cheating came to light that killed it for me. He couldn't be calm, strong or loving towards me. He says it is shame but whatever it is, I needed him and he wasn't there for me.

You mention your WW has these miraculous breakthroughs. Ugh. My WS did the same. It was like an epiphany every few weeks but the knowledge he claimed to now have would disappear in a few days. Over and over again.

You already did the hard part. She is out. So let her be OUT. Live like you are a single person for a little while. Take care of yourself. Don't worry about her and don't contact her. Just like Tallgirl says, listen to how you feel in your body. Not your head that wants your old life back. But in your body.

Pay attention to how you feel ]in your body.

This has been relevant to me, thank you. When WW is gone I feel so much more relaxed and I get more wholly into whatever I’m doing.

We’re not NC and the situation isn’t ideal as WW pops in whenever it suits her, yet she has private living conditions. I’m thinking about what to say, as the pop-ins don’t really bother me or keep me from doing whatever I please, but its hardly fair and its the principle. Also, the vibe is reminiscent of her hotel/part time consult traveling. In the past I was at home with family and friends coming and going, while WW had a private hotel to play. I don’t like the repeat of this pattern, I’m entitled to privacy.

WW pops in whenever it suits her

Apparition, it is up to you to set your boundaries. If you don't want her popping in, then don't allow her to. Since she has her own place, you should be able to change the locks where you live. However, consult with your attorney about that first.

Going to be blunt:

as the pop-ins don’t really bother me

Please don't kid yourself, as you go on to post this:

but its hardly fair and its the principle.

and

Also, the vibe is reminiscent of her hotel/part time consult traveling. In the past I was at home with family and friends coming and going, while WW had a private hotel to play.

... which probably is triggering you.

I don’t like the repeat of this pattern, I’m entitled to privacy.

You shouldn't like the repeating of the pattern and you are entitled to privacy. So, the main question is.... "What are you going to do about it?"

Are you going to pretend that it does not matter to you, or finally accept that it DOES matter to you.

When are you going to stop letting her disrespect you?

There is not use in not pushing that button. You are delaying your road out of infidelity. If you're hesitant b/c you're hoping that she changes, it may not be enough. You have to decide if and feel that the game is over. If it is, no need to continue to hold onto the joystick. Let someone else have a turn bro.

Start the process and see how your WW reacts. You might start seeing a much uglier side of her that will just confirm for you what you already know. Its time to let this on go.

Sometimes, we invite people into our world, only to discover years later that they are just shitty people. They may not be evil, just shitty human beings. My STBXWW falls into this catagory. Shes not some nefarious criminal genius bent on world domination, she is just a crappy human being who is egocentric and lacks the ability to empathize. How she became that is a long story, but her core character has solidified, and no amount of hoping, short of a Damascus moment, will change her.

In the end, I made the call that a meh life was just not worth it, so I filed, and it was GLORIOUS! Yup, best feeling ever!

We each survive infidelity in our own way. My Choice was to look at how many years I had left and weigh the respect of peace against being shackled to a corpse. As much as I wanted, she could not suddenly become an entirely different person.

I won't kid you, post S/D isnt all shits and giggles, but it is peaceful. My time, apart from my kids, is mine. I chase excellence and self improvement. I explore myself and just allow myself to breathe. There are moments of loneliness, but these are transitory. They don't define me. I chose how I define myself. So all in all, I have survived, and in some small measure, thrived after infidelity. Looming forward to what year 5 has in store.

Good luck on your journey.

Good luck on your journey.

Thank you, that simple statement touches a nerve as I've come to see myself these last weeks as on a journey. I was home and happy, then my WW committed an act of arson on our home. Accepting that I'm on that journey away from home, and not resisting it, has really helped me with growing daily peace.

Situation at home hasn't changed much, but I've changed. She comes and goes as she pleases, but I grow ever more detached, I can't remember the last time I asked her what she was doing, and even longer since I've asked why she is doing it. Here's what I came to realize: WW's motives aren't clear to herself, why should I be in pain trying to understand what she herself doesn't care to understand (or correct)?

It comes down to seeing my WW for what she is: selfish. I've known this for a long time, but accepting it is an entirely different matter. The separation is bringing some of the clarity many people speak about. I can't remember the last time I had a positive thought about my WW. Everything she says grates on my nerves. This must have something to do with accepting her for what she is and not the image I had constructed over the years.

This is not to say she isn't on the surface behaving like a repentant WW. But it seems cheap, too late, self serving, and contrived.

So onward I journey, what's next I'm not sure, but I sleep well, work hard, socialize, and I spend quality time with family. What's missing from that list? WW.

Put down the hopium pipe and press the damn button already.

Abuse cannot be tolerated regardless of the who it is committed upon. Time to take back your life.

It gets better when you stop allowing the abuser in your life, your heart, your mind.