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I’m so sad and so scared. My idiot WS has decided we can’t R even though I was willing to. We were supposed to move as a family to a new city and my youngest daughter was set to start school there in the fall. He has now decided that we will stay where we are while he moves alone. My daughter was so excited about this new city and new school and it’s always been our dream to live there. Now we have to tell her today that only her dad is moving. My oldest is going away to college this fall and the rug will be pulled out from under her right before she leaves to live on her own for the first time.

I hate him so much for doing this to our family. I don’t know how to get my kids through this.

Please tell me it will be okay.

Your children are old enough to know all the truth. No badmouthing but honesty. It’s going to hurt. Tell them trying to get back at him by drinking, drugging etc is only going to hurt them. Make no excuses just be truthful. You can’t spare them the pain. My parents divorced while I was in my 20s. Not a clue until my mother showed up on my doorstep. She left him for another man. They both married other people, moved away, and I lost my intake family and family home in just a few months. My young kids were devastated. They were very close to my parents. This is the reality of divorce. Collateral damage spreads out. The people left behind have no say in it. It is awful but we all survived. Just keep moving ahead with one foot in front of the other.

I agree that you need to be honest with your kids.
In order for your kids to get through this, to heal from it, they need to know the truth. Just like we Betrayed Spouse need to know what it is we are dealing with in order to know do what we need to do to heal (whether R, D, or limbo), your kids need to know what is happening. Then they can process and work through their emotions and survive.

Be the parent they can trust to be honest with them. They are on the border of young adult - they will understand more than you expect. Yes they will hurt. Yes they may be sad and disappointed and angry. But they can and will get through it.

Hang tough — you are a kind and wonderful person for thinking of them first. You deserve better than your WS.

It's so hard not to get bogged down in the emotional side of things, but your very best bet is to get a really sharp attorney and get as much as humanly possible out of that divorce settlement. Your WH is a nasty piece of work, and whatever there might be to help get your kids started in life will more than likely come from you. Remember that whatever you leave him is most likely going to be spent on whores anyway, so don't feel bad about asking for as much as you can. Be honest with your kids. You don't have to editorialize but you do need to be the straight-talking SANE parent.

He has now decided that we will stay where we are while he moves alone.

Why does he get a vote as to whether or not you move?

He has now decided that we will stay where we are while he moves alone. My daughter was so excited about this new city and new school and it’s always been our dream to live there

So he gets to blow the family to smithereens, and then tell you how to live the rest of your lives after he leaves?

Ummm....why exactly????

Are you just going to sit in your house and wait for him to tell you what to do everyday? If you want to paint your bathroom a different color, will you check with him first? Will you still buy his favorite foods after he leaves? No. You would never do that. So don't do that with big decisions. That is your dream city, and you want to live there, freaking go and live there! That's the beautiful thing about being single, you don't have to ask anyone's permission to do anything! And you're not moving the kids away from him, you're moving them closer to him, conveniently. Does he want to run around town and not have to worry about running into his actual family? Pffffttt...what a creep.

Go live your amazing life with your kids. Pay no regard to the shithead behind the curtain who thinks he's telling you what to do, but in reality has no power.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 4:06 AM, Sunday, August 22nd]

We moved back to our home city from overseas where we followed him for his last job. From our home city we were all supposed to move to the new city in another country. I can’t move there, we don’t have any status. My WS has the visa. I have no support there and no family or friends. We have a house here and a whole support system. It doesn’t make sense to move again.

It’s all just heartbreaking and I hate it.

I haven’t told them about his affair as it would destroy their relationship with their dad and as much as I despise him for what he’s done I can’t be the one to tell them that. She was close with the girls and with me and it’s just too awful, they’d never forgive him.

I assume it will come out one way or another, including me telling him in no uncertain terms that if she ever shows her ugly face around my children I will tell them everything.

I still feel like a goddamn doormat.

It’s not your fault his relationship with his daughters will suffer. That his doing.

Stop protecting him.

And file for D so you can move ahead. How will you have him served in another county? Maybe have him served here before he leaves.

I assume it will come out one way or another,

So when it does come out and they get some manipulated version of the story, do you really want them to look at you wondering why you lack honesty and courage and be guessing what else you have been hiding from them? Please take control of this narrative and maybe it will in a small way help you to become a recovering doormat. Show your children how adults behave. You've got this. Strength.

[This message edited by CuriousObserver at 5:22 PM, Thursday, September 2nd]