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[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:38 PM, Friday, August 27th]

WS here, I can relate to how you feel the need to get defensive when a poster says something that does not fit with your version of yourself. When you defend and deflect, it shows that you have not accepted what you have done is wrong. This is likely also why you have not come clean. IMO, you are looking for someone to say that because you are working so hard on yourself that you should not have to include your wife in the discussion. The best advice that has been given so far is to create a timeline and disclose it all to your wife. Get in to an IC and start working on the whys. Help her find an IC, preferably one that specializes in infidelity. Answer all of her questions honestly. Nothing hurts a BS more than trickle truth and half answers.
Some other whys you may want to ask yourself.
Why are you being more communicative with her now? Are you trying to find out what she knows and build a story from there?
Why try to reignite the physical and emotional intimacy? Are you trying to make her feel so in love with you that she will not leave you when you finally decide to tell her?
Daily journal to detox from the ex AP? Is this addressing all the poor choices you made? Including why you continue to withhold the truth from your wife?
Weight training and cardio? That is good for your physical well being, but changing the outside does not fix what is broken on the inside.
Be prepared to answer her when she asks you what was wrong with her that allowed you to cheat, because she will.

Our relationship at this moment is stable.

Actually, it isn't.

Your marriage is hanging by a precipice. Once your BW finds out about the affair, it will fall.

It would be better if you came clean. She has the right to decide whether or not you are worth the effort of R. You are keeping the choice from her by hiding the affair.

You may be able to hide the affair now but the truth always comes out.

My question would be--What has changed since you came here in May?

Have you applied any of the advice previously given? If so, to what result?

Hiya!

I am a WS as well. You've done a lot of work! congrats. Great job so far. I think you know where you go from here. But you need to come to a place where you can do it. Where you know it is the right thing to do. Until you choose that, you won't do it.

Do you want to stay truly married?

Here is my question for you.

If the situation were reversed, if you had been faithful and she had committed this horrible act. Would you want to know?

Because by not telling her, you're really trying to change the truth. It happened. Nothing you can do will undo that.

Does she have the right to choose to stay with you, knowing the truth?

That is a true marriage. Otherwise, you're playing house. If you want a real marriage, it is time to fess up.

Think about it.

Warren
You’ve gone silent, so now you’ll be hearing from wayward husbands, if which I am one.
I initially thought I could skin away and not Bec genuine, but it ate at me like a cancer.
I began to panic and I knew my side suspected, and I could easily have stayed a coward…

Here’s the question:

Do you love your wife? If so you must tell her the truth. Only if you’re honest with her can you be honest with yourself. That’s where should go next
Tell her about her affair so she knows where her marriage, tell her now. Any longer and lie gets worse as it gets older.

Look at my tag line, you will start dying inside.

You can tell me to fuck off sure, but I’m trying to help you. 2x4’s will come from other WH’s where we try to beat some sense into you, well intentioned besting but the kids gloves come off. Stick around and you’ll get better and be better.

Also, I do agree you should apologize.

I've read through this all.

Bottom line - come clean. Any excuse as to why you won't is just that - an excuse. One is just as bad as another.

Now, as a BS it bothers me greatly you refer to your AP as LO. To me, this is romanticizing her and in a way keeping her memory alive as a star crossed lover of sorts. Call her what she was. Affair Partner. Someone willing to cheat. Someone (for the duration of your "relationship") void of morals and boundaries. I could go on. You get the picture.

Listen to those who have tried to help. Hint - if you get super defensive reading their responses, IMHO you need to listen even harder.

You've some to SI. A place to get out of infidelity. Not a place for "there there's" because you miss the dopamine hit of the affair/affair partner. I do highly recommend if you only want the Wayward perspective to please use the STOP sign. However understand, the Waywards [and former Waywards] won't pull their punches of truth. While you will get assistance from those who've been in your shoes, you won't get a Pity Party. They've BTDT and can see through bull s*** with X-ray vision.

Your SO deserves the truth and then deserves the right to make decisions about the future based in that truth. I can't predict if your relationship will survive. I can say no one should live a lie.

Truth hurts. Lies devastate. The unknown is torture.

So the right thing. Tell her the truth.

I am a WS. I understand your reluctance to tell your wife. I understand you may think and wish your marriage might again become close and loving without telling her. I fell into this thinking myself. But it will not as long as you continue to hide the affair from her. A good marriage cannot exist on dishonesty and deception. My BS has often said, and many other BS's on this site often say, the worst thing following an affair is not quickly telling the complete truth. No minimizing. No sweeping the truth under the rug. No trickle-truthing. No blaming her. I did these things and it only made our relationship worse and delayed any chance of reconciliation.

You have disrespected and betrayed her by having the affair. You have broken her trust. The only way to rebuild trust and to have a chance at a good relationship with her is to tell her the complete truth now. Otherwise she will always wonder what else you are not telling her and will wonder if you might do it again.

The reason to tell her is that she deserves agency in her life, the ability to make an informed decision. Stop making this about you and your whys. Disclosure should be for her.

And yeah I’m not gonna rehash why what you said was wrong or break out a two by four, but please look at your own reactions to things. Why did you get so defensive?

[This message edited by cheatingisabuse at 3:40 AM, Friday, September 10th]

Thanks to all for the varied responses.

This has given me a lot to think about.

I especially appreciate the responses of the BS's, because it has given me insight into seeing things from their perspective - having their world turned upside down and experiencing the hurt and betrayal that they never thought was possible.

So now what are you going to do?

- Being more communicative with my SO
- Trying to re-ignite physical and emotional intimacy with her

Note that "communicative" and "intimate" are not by their nature conditional and one-sided. You’re making them so by making these efforts under some pretense of fidelity, and it highlights a potentially skewed vision of what love and commitment are.

Bottom line, if this is a loving, committed relationship that your wife is in, why remove her ability to make an informed decision about who she’s sharing her life with? If she only gets part of you, what does that teach her about her value to you?

The reason to share and be honest isn’t to feel better, it’s because it’s what’s owed to another human being. Given the above, she deserves to know what she’s living in. Your statement that you’d set her free if you felt tempted to cheat again is the very definition of too little too late.

I’m glad you continue to read and think more critically. Has it helped you proceed?

Hey Warren,

BS here.

Just to say I concur with Cruel's recommendation...

Study this, then implement it relentlessly.

"How to help your spouse heal from your affair"
By Linda McDonald.

This is just for starters.

You've received some very pointed responses on this thread and maybe deservedly so. I hope you'll try to understand where the deep pain and trauma comes from for those who have responded in such a way.

Thanks to all for the varied responses.

This has given me a lot to think about.

I especially appreciate the responses of the BS's, because it has given me insight into seeing things from their perspective - having their world turned upside down and experiencing the hurt and betrayal that they never thought was possible.

This is a start. Your reply suggests you're able to show a degree of empathy. Can you appreciate how much hurt and betrayal you will cause your wife?

Need to decide whether I want to continue living a lie, or come clean and be ready to accept the consequences.

I think you know the answer to this!

You're going to have to dig deep into yourself. What you find may not be all that pleasant but a good IC might be able to help you on that journey?

All the best.