SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I first came to SI in the Fall of 2007. I was the angriest, most foul mouthed, mean, broken BS you ever met. Truly. It's been a minute. ExH and I have made peace. He's dying of lung cancer. On his last hope drug, then that's it. I don't think he will see 5 more years, but that's not why I'm here.

Last November I let someone in. For the first time since 2007. I took it slow, forged a long-distance relationship. He told me I'm beautiful, flirted with me, brought me coffee in bed. It became an every weekend thing. Just swept me off my damn feet.

His days off are Sunday and Monday, mine are Saturday Sunday.

In June, his daughter killed herself. Then he turned 60. Then it was Father's Day, his Mom got sick, in and out of hospital. Then she needed a pace maker. We have spent the whole Summer dealing with his family (and I'm not complaining, just stating facts for later). We live an hour apart. I have not seen any of my family this summer - our schedules are not working out.

He dumped me Sunday. Out of the blue. "He's tired of seeing me once a week. This relationship has not progressed to where he thought it should be. I work too much. Last year by this time he would have gone camping 5 or 6 times and been on several long rides on his Harley."

Wait, back up. Have we not just spent the WHOLE summer dealing with your family?

I took a weekend off from him about 4 weeks ago because my nephew and his family got COVID. My sister told me that AFTER she had been to their house and we met for dinner. I was paranoid that I might get breakthrough and his Mom would end up with it.

Last week I told him that I planned a weekend getaway with my sisters at the end of September. I had a cold last week as well and didn't have a lot to say when he called. So one night I suggested we get off the phone and talk in the AM.

Never heard from him. The rest of the week he was in a foul mood every time we talked.

Saturday when I was getting ready to head to his house he said he needed a break. Then he proceeded to send pictures from his jeep ride, call me several times to tell me about his ride,and then called me when he got home. I was supposed to go see him on Sunday. When I called him at 10:00 AM, he was cleaning his house, in a foul mood, told me he was going to ride his Harley with his brother. He called me at 3:00. Still cleaning. Angry as hell. "If I am going to be alone I might as well be alone."

We talked for several hours, best conversation ever because he finally opened up about a lot of stuff. We said we would look for other ways we could be together.

He called me at 7:30 Monday and just went off that he didn't sleep, he had a headache, and he didn't want to be with me anymore. I'm not enough. I'm not what he's looking for. Life is too short to be alone all the time.
(Uh REALLY??? I have been alone for 14 fkn years. Don't tell me about being alone.)

He's been married 3 times, had two other live-ins since 2007.

I'm an idiot.

My heart is hurting. I feel shame. This is my go-to emotion.
I'm sad and confused, but think the universe took care of me somehow. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Don't know the point of my story, just needed to vent. and be sad for a minute. Thanks for listening.

Yewtree.

Sorry you find yourself treated so poorly. What an ass. This is strange, but the same thing happened to my best friend's four year relationship with her BF, after a long journey post D to find someone worth having a relationship with.

He dumped her by letter and ghosted her. Said she wasn't meeting his needs, she wasn't making him a priority. She is working to support herself and does animal rescue volunteer work. He is in the medical field with up to 8 days a week off. He wasn't feeling paid attention to enough. She wasn't participating enough with his children, blah blah blah.

So much emotional insecurity, so much selfishness. She didn't change a bit, she didn't present any false pretenses, he accepted her and the arrangements as they were, but she also kept her job and her space and tried to keep them both happy. He devastated her in a most junior high school fashion.

He has a history of bailing on relationships, just wish he hadn't wasted 4 years of her time, broken her heart and made her question if she should change to try and please him. Please. Good riddance. But so sorry for your similar treatment, the shock and hurt of it and for having to start over again.

Best to you.

The positive of this is that he didn't wait until you'd been together for years and entagled your lives to become an asshole. He just couldn't keep the facade up long enough for that. I'm sorry, though. I know it hurts to be mistreated. You don't own any shame over this at all.

Thank you for responding. This could have lasted 4 years. That's the rainbow, isn't it? The last two women he was with were for about 4 years, and from what I know his excuse was the same with them. They actually lived with him. They cleaned and he cooked, he was their main support.

He's angry because he told me he loved me on the night his daughter died. I was taken aback. I wasn't ready. I told him that. He never said it again, and, for some reason, when I felt like saying it, I could not. I think I know why.

Trust your gut.

And now, I start over. It's OK. I survived the last one, I'll survive this one. When someone faults you for working hard to support yourself, that's a hard no. I only have myself to rely on.

He sure showed me who he is. And I believe him.

Oh YT, that is just so messed up, but I agree that he can't keep up the facade and the mask just dropped away.

Big hugs from someone who's still flying solo after as many years. We need to bring back those legendary SI bar threads I think.

Hey Faith! Happy hour in SI truly was the best.

I'm so sorry. You really didn't deserve to be treated that way.

I'm glad you trusted your gut and did not change yourself for him. Who wants to keep up a facade indefinitely to please another person? Yuck.

Being single is underrated. I'm loving the freedom to do whatever I want with my free time. You'll get back there too. This will just sting for a while. It's temporary.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:36 PM, Friday, August 27th]

I’m better every day. My heart will heal. Being single is not all bad. It it what it is. I won’t dwell on what I can’t change.

He's angry because he told me he loved me on the night his daughter died. I was taken aback. I wasn't ready. I told him that. He never said it again, and, for some reason, when I felt like saying it, I could not. I think I know why.

First of all, he may have thought he loved you in that moment, but he CLEARLY does not. If he did, he would still be there.

Secondly, yep, now you know why you couldn't say it back.

You mentioned the universe doing you a favor. I believe that. I remember praying to God to save my marriage, or if not, to help me accept it if that was not meant to be. I got neither. Instead I had the sense rush over me that not only will I be okay, but there was a huge favor going on and he was saving me from something even more awful.

Sorry you have to go through the emotional part, ughh. Screw the shame part, that's just your good self doing inventory but how he handled it pretty much negates any doubt.

Take care.

Thank you all. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Sorry you had to go through that, YT.

For what it's worth, about 1.5 years ago my SO broke up with me out of the blue. He told me, with no warning, "I just think it would be too difficult for us." And it took him six years to come to that conclusion??? Then I discovered he stepped out on me a few months prior without bothering to let me know he was done first. Whatever.

Once you get past the sting, you'll embrace singleness as you did before.

Still sucks though.

YT, sounds like this is a happy ending. You didn’t invest 4 years, you didn’t fully invest your heart in someone who has relationship issues and feels like he needs more from a partner than he can give. And, you were kind and supported him through an awful time.

this is a fortunate conclusion, and your gut agrees.

I am sorry that you were disappointed and hurt, finding the right person is hard.

Hi Yew!!!!!!!

Never heard from him. The rest of the week he was in a foul mood every time we talked....
He called me at 3:00. Still cleaning. Angry as hell. "If I am going to be alone I might as well be alone."...
I'm not enough. I'm not what he's looking for. Life is too short to be alone all the time....

We talked for several hours, best conversation ever because he finally opened up about a lot of stuff. We said we would look for other ways we could be together.

It sounds like he has decided he wants out but then keeps calling you because he now doesn't know how to fill that void. Too bad - that is on him. He says you are not what he is looking for? Well goodbye guy! You deserve to be appreciated and EXACTLY what someone else is looking for.

Break-ups suck. Even when we know they are for the best - it stinks. I am sorry this is happening to you. Give yourself some treats (Netflix marathon? GF outing? Shopping? Gardening? Eating cookies? Whatever makes you feel good!

We are here for ya!

And let that phone got to vm when he calls. Don't be his soft spot to land when he is feeling uncertain about all this 'alone' he wanted. Not your job anymore.

You got this!