SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have betrayed my best friend. I just don't know how else to put it. My wife, who is by far the most beautiful woman i have ever known, is my best, my closest and i think my only friend. Still i managed to betray her with an other woman for a period of 7 months. 7 Months in total from wich 5 with physical contact.

Since D Day i am trying to figure out what brought me to my actions. I love my wife, i have always loved my wife and i have always thought that there would never be anything or anyone who could come between us. I couldn't have been more wrong. Besides loving my wife, there is one person who i love more than anything. That person is me. Maybe it's beter to say loved instead of love because the damage i have caused within my family is so devastating that i find it hard to look in the mirror these days. My wife is heartbroken, torn to pieces and for what? For my own personal gain?

I am here because i realize i need help. I need help to figure out what made me come to my actions. I have come to terms with the fact that i own some sort of personality disorder in combination with a sex addiction. At the moment i am seeing a profesional, allthough i don't think i am in the right place. I also show signs of narcistic behaviour and that is something i am really trying to deal with.

More important than anything else is the fact that i am in need of help regarding my wife. I need to be there for her, for her pain and to help her process the trauma i have caused. I truelly regret what i have done and will spend the rest of my life trying to fix everything. The love is strong and still there but the trust is completly gone. The problem is that i am the one who caused all of this, and also the one she talks to, wich is hard for her ofcourse.

Ever since D Day i am an open book to my wife. She has full acces to everything like email, phone, bancaccounts etc, and we spend a lot of time talking. She is suffering, she is suffering so much that i wake up every morning feeling ashamed of myself.

I realize that it took a lot of courage for my wife not to throw me out and to give me the change to make things right. I don't feel like i deserve a second change as i threw her under the bus as if she meant nothing to me.

By posting here i am trying to find ways to get us through this, hoping that experience from other might give me some guidance...i really, really need and want help with this

[This message edited by EDU71 at 11:58 AM, Sunday, September 26th]

Tough situation, I know. Because I've been there and to great extent am still there 8 years later. Though we stayed together courtesy of a great big rug sweep, BW has never been the same. Doubt she ever will be. Why should she? I showed her what a lying piece of sh1t I can be. All the straight and narrow in the world now isn't going to change that. Wish I had words of encouragement for you but, sorry, not today.

Welcome to SI.

It sounds like you are on the right track.

Something to consider doing is write out a timeline of your affair. Your wife will be asking a lot of questions, many of the same ones over and over. A timeline will not only help her understand the course of your actions but also helps with checking for consistency.

I also recommend reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. It is a quick read but chock full of helpful information.

Now is the time to get everything out of you are holding back any information. Many BS have said that it is not the affair that kills the marriage but the lies.

Be there for your wife. Be transparent, honest, and vulnerable with her. Answer her questions no matter how many times she asks them and answer them without defensiveness. Make sure you have No Contact whatsoever with your AP (affair partner). If appropriate and with your wife’s approval, write a no contact letter to her.

Keep posting with questions as they come. Healing from infidelity takes time (2-5 years). Be prepared to be in this for long haul.

To clarify, we're you diagnosed with sex addiction, by a qualified CSAT?

I have the same question as HellFire. Were you diagnosed y a professional with sex addiction and a personality disorder? Or is that something you decided about yourself?

If it's the former, have you been prescribed with a treatment plan? How is that working so far?

If it's the latter, then that is simply blameshifting. I had a 5 month EA / PA and I do not have a personality disorder and I did not have sex addiction. I had other issues which I needed to work on and I definitely had unhealthy coping mechanisms. If you are blaming these "other" things for your actions, then you still have a lot of work to do. Own your actions. Take responsibility. Not just by saying you cheated on your wife, but that it was a conscious choice (a little background of your story would help).

When you say you are seeking guidance to get through this, what are you referring to? What kind of guidance are you looking for? Help for yourself or help for dealing with your wife?

No words of wisdom. You practically destroyed your wife. You can do all the right things from now until the end of time, but there is no guarantee that your wife will ever feel safe and loved by you. I must add, nor should she. Everyone is different and maybe she will reach the point where staying with you and keeping the family intact is a better option to her than going through the dismantling of her marriage and family. As the years go by, her pain will probably lessen. I doubt that it will ever go away. Simply put most BSs never feel the same about their WSs after such an affair, regardless of what they may say. Nor should they. I speak from personal experience.

Please tell your wife about this site and ask her to come here so we can help her.

Why do you think you are a sex addict? Have you seen a CSAT? Sex addiction adds another layer. I am not accusing you of this - but if you are a sex addict, it is not going to be something you can blame for your actions. It will add another layer to your wife's healing and she will likely want you to be sober and in therapy or 12 step for the rest of your life. My WS is a sex addict and those are my requirements to even try.

The one good thing about sex addiction help is that it is GOOD if you are a sex addict or not. I recommend Dr Doug Weiss. You can find some of his videos on YouTube. He does a good job of understand the betrayed partner's pain.

I totally recommend you going to a CSAT to be screened. Sex addiction is not wanting a lot of sex or wanting new partners it is a lot more than that and honestly is pretty dark and scary. But there is a lot more help than there used to be and a lot of resources, too.

If you aren't found to be a sex addict you can still help your wife a LOT by reading what is recommended when you are a sex addict, including polygraph, therapy, a full disclosure, a letter of amends and a recovery plan. I almost created a post in General today about this, the steps that are recommended for a spouse of a sex addict are really good and applicable to all betrayeds.

BW here. I agree about the other questions re SA and CSAT, suggestion to read how to help your spouse heal, etc.

I would also add that SHAME is a huge barrier to healing/recovery. IMHO, it goes both ways (WS ashamed of their actions, and MANY MANY MANY BS are ashamed for not leaving/filing for D). Brene Brown's books can help get an understanding on shame, how it works against us, etc. My favorite Dr. Brown piece is an audio called "the power of vulnerability" that I got via my local library on Hoopla. it's about 6-8 hours of audio of several of her lectures (and I do not believe it's the same stuff you'll find on youtube. If you don't already have a library card, Dday is a great reason to get one... not all the "work" to heal/recover from infidelity is "about" the infidelity... read Forever Labeled's most recent post and you may get an idea of what I'm talking about).

IME, my WH'S inability to stop being mired in shame or to grasp/implement the concepts of empathy has pretty much ensured our D (as if the cheating, alone, was not enough.... however it's not at all uncommon for a BS to say it was NOT the infidelity the killed the M, but the WS' bullshit AFTER DDAY and inability/unwillingness to commit to and make progress toward real, deep, and significant CHANGE to becoming a safe(r) partner, that ultimately drives the decision to D. Which also means, do that timeline NOW - be proactive and BRUTALLY honest about it. Those lies begin with you and then cover everyone in your path, and they are lethal to any kind of loving relationship).

Shame is all about YOU... empathy is about your partner, so it's really important to find ways to hold BOTH (and I'm not saying it's easy) accountability and responsibility for yourself AND empathy for your BS. The Helping Couples Heal podcasts may provide some help/guidance on this front.

You suspect you have a sex addiction. Really? If your AP has been your only affair partner during the marriage and it lasted 7 months, that, in itself just makes it a run-of-the-mill affair. I picture a sex addict, for starters, as having many partners of short duration. Do you still have an uncontrollable desire to go fuck other women, your wife be damned? That, I would think, might put you in sex addiction territory. Narcissist? That certainly could be. I think there is some narcissism in most cheaters.

The bottom line is if you have doubts about staying true to your wife from this point forward, tell her and end the charade. When I read that you think you are a sex addict, that is the message I get.

I picture a sex addict, for starters, as having many partners of short duration. Do you still have an uncontrollable desire to go fuck other women, your wife be damned? That, I would think, might put you in sex addiction territory.

Nope. In fact a person can be a sex addict and never cheat. A person with low libido can be a sex addict. A sex addict could be addicted to porn or masturbation or have compulsive behaviors surrounding sex or cheating with anonymous people or with people they know. OP needs to see a CSAT and it is a series of questions not just one or two.

Many waywards claim to be a sex addict,on,or after dday. They use it as an excuse. You see, it was a sickness. An uncontrollable urge to cheat,or act out. Therefore, it's something they couldn't help. They use it to manipulate their BW, into feeling empathy FOR THEM.

Unless a CSAT has officially diagnosed you, then you are using the SA to further manipulate your BW into reacting the way you want.

It's selfish. It's cruel.

It also may not have the effect that you want. Being married to a SA, even a recovering one, means a lifetime of various hardships. And often, more ddays.

Where did you go,OP? You came here for help. You have several people who have responded. This place isn't here to pat you on the back. Yet. You will be challenged. It's hard. It's painful. But,if you want to dig yourself out of the shit you've covered yourself in, it's worth it.

stubbornft: Well, the OP has not described any of these particular behaviors concerning sex addiction. He has only stated that he had a seven-month affair and by inference, he did it because he thinks he is a sex addict. Sounds like bull shit to me. That was the intent of my post.

Please DO NOT tell your wife about this site. At least not for awhile.

It's your space right now to seek the advice of others who have walked in your shoes.

EDU -

Very glad that you're seeking support. You'll need it.
I sense that you're sincere right now..

You said "More important than anything else is the fact that i am in need of help regarding my wife."

You have a tough path in front of you. It's going to be agony for the both of you, and it's your fault.
Whether there were 'issues' or 'problems' or personality disorders or addiction (of any kind) - the betrayal is it's own thing entirely, and you own it.

Above all else, she needs to know what happened. The "why" is something you'll need to work through over time, and it's not fair to ask her along for that ride unless she knows everything she needs to know to make that decision.

The best advice I could give you is to commit to the truth and stay with it. Spill it ALL.

Every fiber of your being is going to tell you to lie. You will want to protect yourself, and her as well.
Don't lie, not even a little bit. Don't omit. Don't cover your @ss.
Every time you do, you'll be doing it to her all over again, and you'll be starting from zero.

If she is ever to forgive you, she'll need to know what she's forgiving you for. If you're not truthful, you'll be manipulating her free will and her forgiveness will mean nothing. Lying IS cheating. If you want forgiveness, earn it.

You'll need to forgive yourself at some point, too.
If you cheat your way through reconciliation, it'll chew you up inside - and it will come back to haunt you.

Starting today, be the man you told her you were going to be on your wedding day.

Best of luck to you and your wife..

Thanks everyone for your comments and your questions. I will try to get some things clear after reading all of it. My therapist diagnosed me having a sex addiction. Yet, he is not a professional on this matter, so i am now waiting on my first counceling with a therapist who is specialized in sex addiction. So for now, for me, i can only say there are suspions of addiction looking at my behaviour and daily routine of watching porn and masturbation. My current therapist is not a specialist on this topic, he is in the process of trying to establish some sort of disorder like narcism, i sometimes show the sings.

Just to be clear, it is not something i will or are intent to use as an excuse for what i have done. I know what i have caused and am taking full responsability for it. It was a more than huge mistake wich never happened before and will never happen again.
No one else did this, not my wife, not my family, it was me and no one else. There is no, and never will be, any excuse for the suffering i have caused my wife and family. Im an not proud of my actions and am definitely not looking for a pat on the back. I have created a monster by cheating, broke the circle of trust and need some sort of help in dealing with her pain, help her and myself to get through this. I fully understand that, despite all the advice, we will have to find our own path in the end, but reading other peoples stories helps.

I realize it is going to take years to try and fix things and will take a lot of effort by me, but i am ready and willing to take it on as i truely love my wife more than anything in this world. I read all the comments and will put all of them, the positive and negative, to good use, it's really helpfull so far.

Just to be clear, it is not something i will or are intent to use as an excuse for what i have done. I know what i have caused and am taking full responsability for it. It was a more than huge mistake wich never happened before and will never happen again.
No one else did this, not my wife, not my family, it was me and no one else. There is no, and never will be, any excuse for the suffering i have caused my wife and family. Im an not proud of my actions and am definitely not looking for a pat on the back. I have created a monster by cheating, broke the circle of trust and need some sort of help in dealing with her pain, help her and myself to get through this. I fully understand that, despite all the advice, we will have to find our own path in the end, but reading other peoples stories helps.

I realize it is going to take years to try and fix things and will take a lot of effort by me, but i am ready and willing to take it on as i truely love my wife more than anything in this world. I read all the comments and will put all of them, the positive and negative, to good use, it's really helpfull so far.

This was a lot of words yet you said practically nothing. Like Charlie Brown's teacher it's just noise. What are you actually doing?

Thanks everyone for your comments and your questions. I will try to get some things clear after reading all of it. My therapist diagnosed me having a sex addiction. Yet, he is not a professional on this matter, so i am now waiting on my first counceling with a therapist who is specialized in sex addiction. So for now, for me, i can only say there are suspions of addiction looking at my behaviour and daily routine of watching porn and masturbation. My current therapist is not a specialist on this topic, he is in the process of trying to establish some sort of disorder like narcism, i sometimes show the sings.

If your therapist is not a professional or expert on sexual addiction, then how did he diagnose you? That's unethical. So, you are now switching to a qualified psychotherapist who can diagnose you? What will you do if that therapist says you don't have compulsive sexual behaviors? Are you suggesting that because you watch porn and masturbate regularly, then you have an addiction? Back to your original therapist (will you be seeing two different therapists?), what do you mean that "he is in the process of trying to establish some sort of disorder like narcissism?" What examinations and testing has he gone through with you to determine whether you do indeed have NPD? Sometimes showing signs really just means you can be selfish. Truly being NPD is a serious disorder that would have manifested itself in your behavior for years.

Your current therapist sounds either unethical or incompetent, likely both.

I agree with Mrs. W about the therapist.

Fingers crossed that you don't have SA. Because,if you do, as with many many addicts, the chance for relapse is quite high. Being married to a SA is a very difficult life for the BS.

Ugh I had a long reply that got lost.

I do not agree with the posts above, I think your words are (not intentionally) confusing. Because your IC is stating you need to see a CSAT, I think they are saying you seem like you may be SA, and a CSAT would need to be the one to diagnose you.

I hope you will tell your wife about SI. She can message me if she wants, especially if you are found to be SA. Lots of people here will be making sweeping generalizations about SA with zero data or knowledge but profess hopelessness for you and your wife. My WS is in therapy with a CSAT, a mens group led by that CSAT, and he attends 12 step meetings. There are many men in his groups that have a decade plus of sobriety. Some are 5 years in, some 20 years. It is honestly hard to get support on the SA stuff here on SI. I would absolutely ignore sweeping generalizations like the one above. But the rest of the advice can be helpful to her in regards to the trauma she is experiencing. She can find a betrayal trauma therapist, she may have luck finding one that is a CSAT that can help her.

[This message edited by stubbornft at 8:29 PM, Saturday, October 2nd]

Just to be clear, it is not something i will or are intent to use as an excuse for what i have done.

Sex addiction isn't about sex, strangely enough. It's about the inability to form real attachment and coping with stress by using sexual gratification instead of drugs, alcohol, and instead of dealing with it in healthy ways. Alcoholics and drug abusers can self identify as addicts and I think the same thing is true of process addicts, sex, shopping, eating, etc. 12 step programs offer support that is beneficial and successful.

However, relapse is HIGH with SAs. My H relapsed several times although he didn't cross the line I set as condition for immediate divorce. And yes, compulsive porn was his main method of cheating until it wasn't.

Anytime you hear an addict use their illness as an excuse, it's certain they are far from recovery. The "powerlessness" spoken of in 12 step work is about recognizing that you can't just decide to stop this behavior, that you need help, need to recognize that and need to accept the help. It's not "I'm an addict, poor me, I couldn't help myself."

By all means consult with a CSAT. But IMHE, good ones are very few and far apart. I recommend Dr. Weis also and also Dr. Milton Magness.

SA is often a result of childhood sexual abuse. Sometimes the abused person has buried memories of it.

But overall, the first thing you need to do is to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. VERY often, there is another underlying brain based illness that needs addressing.

Yep. Your wife will never be the same.

Hey, just a quick tip:

Be careful with that word "Mistake".

A seven month affair was not a mistake. It was the culmination of literally thousands of premeditated decisions with repeated follow through. There were literally thousands of opportunities to stop the evolution of this affair that you decidedly chose not to take.