SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Disclaimer: I know some of you know my story, and it was not going well at the time. Still isn't going well almost 4 yrs later of the same banter. Both my relationship, my coping methods and reluctance to part ways were and still is a challenge. I can't seem to let go even though many times it seems to be the right thing since its been a constant set of failures over 4 yrs now.

It was advised previously, years ago, given my story that I should get a divorce because it set the precedence to my WS that the threat of divorce was never on the table that gave her the power to disregard my feelings and perpetuate her lack of action for her journey to reconciliation. And there was truth to that. I ignored all advise to divorce. And being honest I am still not sure if I am capable or ready. I still struggle daily to accept that I need to put in the work to make the divorce happen. I've pleaded with WS to start the divorce to take the burden off me, but she's refused.

For those who were reluctant to start/get the divorce, what helped you accept that it was the only choice, best choice, right choice, what ever the reason may be. What helped you decided that being married to your WS was no longer worth it?

Some of my hangs up include losing custody of my kids and even losing just time with them. Losing the house because neither one of us can afford the house alone. Moving and displacing our kids, which also means new school. I'd be losing independence as I'd probably have to move back in with my family until I got my life sorted out. Being alone. Not finding someone as compatible as I was with my wife I thought I married.

[This message edited by ReceivedChaos at 7:39 AM, Tuesday, November 30th]

My decision to D my H was based on the fact I believed my future would turn out to be a happy one.

We ultimately reconciled b/c my H was determined to make amends. And he has.

But I had confidence in myself that I was making the best decision b/c I tried everything else and the cheating continued. At the time the affair had not ended and my H kept saying he wanted a D. But yet he refused to do anything about it.

He wanted me to start the process so he could absolve himself of any guilt. Even though he cheated and caused the D in his mind he could tell himself "she D me" and not have any guilt about it.

If you have spent 4 years not very happy and you have done your best, it is OK to say "this isn’t working". Your mental health is MORE important than the house. I understand about uprooting the kids and losing time, but those things can be addressed. Maybe you can stay in the same school district so they will not have to change schools.

You may be a better happier parent at 50% custody than an unhappily married parent with full custody (as things are now).

Think about it.

I loved my husband deeply and didn’t want to divorce. I sobbed uncontrollably during my consultation with a lawyer.

But I couldn’t stand living in a constant state of anxiety, pain, and disappointment. I stared down the future and there was just no end to it; I just couldn’t go on like this.

I hoped that when I filed it would be a wake up call but it wasn’t. He was relieved that I had been willing to pull the trigger because his cowardly ass wouldn’t do it. That part was humiliating but in retrospect I’m grateful that he didn’t string me along after he was served because I might’ve backtracked. Now I’m living a happy life I never thought was possible.

I can’t promise you that life after divorce will be sunshine and roses but I can assure you that I’ve never met a single person who regretted divorcing a cheating spouse. I’ve met plenty, however, that regretted not divorcing sooner.

Like you, I was in false R for some time. XWW claimed she wanted to R, but that was very temporary.

Like you, I was scared. I love my children very much, and hated the thought of not seeing them everyday. I was worried about where I would live, and how that would work.

But XWW made it very clear that she wasn't really interested in R. Also, like your WW, she wouldn't file for D either.

XWW had ANOTHER AP over while I was out of town, tried to lie to cover it up, but did a poor job. When I realized SHE was never going to change or work on herself, I knew there was no other choice. I was not willing to live in infidelity. So I faced my fear and hired an attorney.

XWW was fair with me, and we were able to come to an agreement on custody and CS, she waived alimony.

Have you met with an attorney? If not, I think that might help your fears, as you will have some clarity on your specific situation. For most (including me) fear of the unknown is worse than fear of the know. once you know what you're dealing with, it should help.

I didn't want to divorce either. But it hit the point where I couldn't stand one more second of dealing with my xwh who refused to make any changes. That wasn't a life I wanted to have anymore because life is way too damn short to live in misery. I'm not sure for me if anything specific happened that made me get there, but I just knew when I was. It was like whatever unknown was out there was better then the known I was living in.

I was scared too, but IMHO a LOT of the fears about what might happen are worse than the reality of what does happen. Speaking for myself, I was so worried about the financial aspect and all that, but my financial situation has done nothing but improve drastically. I second going and seeing a lawyer - getting some solid facts about your situation can help to alleviate a lot of the fear. And it's okay to be scared! Divorce IS scary. It's a huge change and there's a lot of unknowns about it - you wouldn't be human if you didn't have trepidation about that.

I will just say too - in all my years on SI, I have never, not once, seen a BS say they regretted their divorce. I see a lot of BS's say they regretted the extra time they spent trying to R (me for sure on that), but not one time have I ever seen a BS say they wished they didn't D once all was said and done. Just food for thought.

My divorce was pretty much a no-brainer. My ex-WW cheated on me in the third year of our marriage. We went to an MC who helped us rug sweep the entire betrayal, placing half the blame on me for no apparent reason other than I was the other spouse. The ex-wife tried very little and continued her destructive behavior. I felt nothing for her as the years progressed. Six years later I discovered her second known affair with the husband of a couple we spent much time with. I was disgusted and fed up so divorce was relatively easy even though we had a three-year-old son. I felt liberated. I had a good-paying occupation so money wasn't an issue. I felt horrible that my son would come from a broken family, but living as husband and wife one more day with her simply was impossible. She may have considered staying together if I fought for the marriage, but she was fine with getting divorced.

I tell people that my marriage was a nightmare but the divorce was fair and amicable. 50/50 custody worked out fairly well. My son is now married with two children. He does have his issues, but I don't know if they can be traced back to our broken family. I hope not.

When staying together simply isn't a viable option, you must move on and start a new life. Be the best you can be. Life involves a never-ending process of learning. Apply what you have learned to what you may face in the future. Stay honest and true to yourself and others. As a rule of thumb, avoid narcissists and insecure people as potential partners in the future.

Thank you everyone for you input. Sorry for the terrible grammar/run on sentences you are about to encounter.

It would make it exponentially easier if I could discover an active affair. Or maybe even another one that I didn't know about. Her 6 yr affair supposedly ended 4 yrs ago. Hard to prove anything since she hasn't tried very hard to find another job and the job market not great in our field. But I can't observe her at work where she could potentially still be carrying on the affair while at work. Most weekends she's at home and can't go anywhere without me noticing. She is usually off 1 weekday a week, but I can't prove or disprove anything while I am at work. I only have 1 small suspicion that she may messing around with someone else but it isn't very strong evidence of anything and I don't think it warrants heavy suspicion, but I haven't excluded the possibility.

Since my initial post my desire and love for her seems to be deteriorating incredibly fast now given our last argument right before my initial post here. Terms like "just let it go", or challenging me to start the divorce her if I want her to start it. I told her Monday that last week I was in such a pit of depression because of all of this and I saw no sorrow, pity, empathy, anything on her face except the look that she wanted to just be defensive like she has been for 4 yrs. That part really killed me, that she had no care for my well being. I brought it up the next day and she continued to just giveme excuses. No apology even after talking about it a second time. These past couple of days it just seems to keep dwindling as she didn't apologize for anything except when I called her out on the evening I told her about my depression the 2nd time and the shear fact she didn't apologize at all, only gave me excuses. She only apologized after I said that probably would have been the better thing to do instead of rattling off excuses. After this whole week, as our marriage is falling apart, she wants to go hang out with her family (parents and siblings) and take the kids with her to enjoy a nice weekend with them knowing how depressed I am right now and how quickly our marriage is falling apart. I have no desire to go to this property as its caused a lot of tension between us already. She never sees the priority that is us, or me. That's killing me on the inside this week. I haven't told her that is what I see yet, because I want her to make the action and solidify what I already know. Acts of love like comforting, or apologizing, or being available even, I feel like shouldn't have to be asked for as much as it should be a desire for the other person to want to complete. These past 4 yrs have been excruciating because its been a lot of showing me that I am not worth doing this or that. Battles as big as eliminating her best friend who wasn't a "friend of the family" who contributed to her first spout of cheating to small things like keeping a promise to empty out a compost bowl daily.

But just this week she pretty much said my well being, or our marriage, doesn't matter more than her defense or having a fun weekend with her own family (at least her family that excludes me).

I wish I had the obvious fortitude that I've seen people just get the divorce when Dday happened. I should have know she wouldn't be able to do the things she needed too within the first couple of weeks. It has been a complete waste of 4 yrs. I am reaching closer to that goal of divorce it seems at this rate.