SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not sure if I'm in the right forum...

I am married 29 years. In 2019 my life was becoming more and more stressful. I have 5 children with the same woman. The communication in my marriage completely broke down. I isolated myself more and more until I was completely alone. Completely alone...

I was contacted by a former overseas colleague. We hadn't spoken in 14 years. She just randomly e-mailed me. We proceeded to text, e-mail and occasionally talk on the phone. We became very close even though we never actually met face to face. One day she suddenly ended everything. i was really hurt. But she came back to me a week later. Same thing happen 6 months later. This time when she came back I told her no. I ignored her e-mails for a couple of months. She than had a crisis with her son and said I was the only one she could speak to. it started again. No physical contact. Just texts, e-mails, phones call, voice mails. Everything was good for a year. We just supported eachother emotionally and always tried to lift eachother up. In the last 6 months she answered less and ignored some questions i would ask and really wasn't interacting with me. Last week I told her it's best we part ways. That's it. That's my big affair. I am hurt and sad. I try to focus on the positive. I lost alot of weight, I'm in great shape. i ran 7 miles two weeeks ago on the off road trails. I eat right. I completely bought a new wardrobe. I saved some money. I revivied my socail life. I also brought my wife into my social life with old friends.

I'm having trouble moving on. I know she is thousands of mile away. But with the technology it is possible to be connected to someone.

i know many people on here are hurt and I am viewed as a scoundral.I accept that. Just looking for some advice to help me get through the anxiety. I'm ok. But my mind feeds me only good memories. Most are old. It's a constant battle to remind myself I was not happy. The mind is a messed up thing and hard to tame.

Hi, Eddiewouldgo. I completely agree with your statement that

The mind is a messed up thing and hard to tame.

On both sides of this wide divide between betrayers and those betrayed, our mind can be our worst enemy.

There is a forum called WAYWARD that you will find most helpful, and you may want to post this post over there where the "right" people will more likely see it. You've come to the right place. All are welcome here. Give the Wayward forum a try for best results.

Your correct, most BS on here with think you are a scoundrel, because you ARE.

You said yourself that YOU isolated yourself from your wife and family and then YOU participated in an emotional affair. It doesn’t matter how far away the OW is, you gave her emotional content you promised to your wife!

You talk about how you have to remind yourself you were not happy, I assume you mean with the OW treating you as something she could pick up and discard as she needed. You feel bad because you aren’t getting the good feelings from your OW any more, because she doesn’t need you any more. You also feel bad because you are trying to reconnect in what seems to be a very shallow way with your wife, by taking her along to meet old friends, and she apparently doesn’t know about your affair. have you told her?

You need to confess to your wife and make every effort to change what ever is broken in side of you that let you make the choice to cheat. This was not because you were lonely! You could have chosen to talk to your wife.

Make sure you tell her everything and give her the opportunity to decide if she wants a cheater and a liar as a husband.

Eddiewouldgo

Go find a book called "Not Just Friends" by the late Shirley Glass. It’s available online in all formats from old-school paper to downloadable file and cheaper than 15 minutes of therapy.
Google emotional affairs.

Realize that it’s very likely you have triggered something in your mind that you need to deal with and turn off. Even if that requires never contacting the other person ever again. Chances it will require that.

I can guarantee that if you spend a couple of hours doing the above it can save you days, months or even years of misery.

Thanks for the feedback. I am roaming the forums. I am trying to translate some of the abbreviations. Is there a place that provides the key?

  Moving to Wayward Side

I am trying to translate some of the abbreviations. Is there a place that provides the key?

In the Healing Library there is a link for the abbreviations .

Yes, there is a key for abbreviations. Go to the homepage and you'll see "The Healing Library" at the top of the page. Click there and you'll then see "Abbreviations". It appears that you need to enter them in to see what they "mean.

Also, lots of good reading in the Healing Library that you should take to become acquainted with if you're interested in figuring out how to make some important changes in yourself, Eddiewouldgo.

Thanks for the feedback. I am roaming the forums. I am trying to translate some of the abbreviations. Is there a place that provides the key?

Yes, at the top of the board there is a section called haling library. In there you can check out abbreviations.

The main ones:

BS - Betrayed Spouse or bull shit
WS - Wayward Spouse
WW - Wayward Wife
WH - Wayward Husband
OW - Other Woman
OM - Other Man
OBS - Other betrayed spouse
D-Day - The day the affair was uncovered or further truth uncovered

Welcome to the forum. I need to read your post again before responding directly. People will talk straight and call you out on BS if they see it. Stick with us, even if it is painful to hear what we have to say

I think I may be in the wrong place. I am reading some of these posts. Everyone is so honest and courageous. It's refreshing. However, I probably should have mentioned something about my marriage. My wife and I would like to divorce. However it is not financially possible. We also agree that staying together for the children is best. They are all really good kids and doing so well. My wife does not know about what i have posted. I have no intention of telling her. I guess I'm just a bit heartbroken and looking to move on. That's me being honest. I think it my position may contaminate these boards.

[This message edited by Eddiewouldgo at 5:18 PM, Wednesday, December 15th]

** posting as a member **

I agree that we aren't the right place for you if you plan to protect your infidelity rather than confront it. It sounds like you would gladly resume your affair if the AP was willing, and you prefer the convenience of keeping your spouse in the dark. Neither of these actions is conducive to getting out of infidelity, which is the mission of SI.

I hope that if you and your wife aren't happy together, you're both eventually able to move on to independent lives that you find more fulfilling.

Gently...

It will be pointed out often, and has already that no matter how alone you felt and how bad communication was, this does not justify and affair. Nothing does. You could be in the most toxic marriage ever choosing to cheat is not an acceptable way of dealing with it. There are many post on justifications and the fact that they are all bull shit. THERE IS NEVER A JUSTIFICATION FOR AN AFFAIR.

I'm going to ask a fair few questions so I/we can get a better grasp of what is going on.

As suggested, read "Not just friends"

Have you told your BS? If not, why? You need to. You need to tell her what happened and it NEEDS to come from you. She needs to have the option of choosing to R or D (Recovery or Divorce). You cannot make that decision for her by keeping this affair a secret. Tell her before she finds out. You may think you've covered your tracks...You haven't.

I would suggest also reading "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald and "Out of the Doghouse" by Robert Weiss. These are both quick reads and are written from a wayward viewpoint. They're best read when the affair has newly come to light.

What you had was an emotional affair (EA) (Physical affair - PA). Do not make the mistake of thinking this is less damaging than a PA. They're not, often BS say that emotional affair was harder to deal with than a physical one. Also avoid using terms such as "only" or "just" especially to your wife. They minimise the affair..... Saying "I only e-mailed her" will really piss your BS off especially if it's followed with "We didn't even kiss!". Don't do it.

Write a time line. Write it for yourself initially and offer it to BS. I would write everything you can remember. Add in your feelings and thoughts at the time too, even if they differ from the feelings you have now.

Why did you lose weight, get fit, buy new clothes?

What did you discuss with AP? Think about everything. Did you support one another? Did you tell her things that should not be shared with an "outsider"? Did she do the same? What is her relationship status?

Why only now introduce BS to old friends? Do these friends know of the affair?

You are in the right place for support and advice. Stick with it and don't be scared off. Maybe consider asking for the stop sign to be added. BS can, and have, posted on this thread. Sometimes a BS will react angrily to a Wayward (understandably so) and we lost a few posters as a result. That said, some of the best advice comes from a BS. I tend to add the stop sign and remove it after a while.

Please read and respond to the guys on here and ask questions. We will try and help.

Sorry, I missed this post

I think I may be in the wrong place. I am reading some of these posts. Everyone is so honest and courageous. It's refreshing. However, I probably should have mentioned something about my marriage. My wife and I would like to divorce. However it is not financially possible. We also agree that staying together for the children is best. They are all really good kids and doing so well. My wife does not know about what i have posted. I have no intention of telling her. I guess I'm just a bit heartbroken and looking to move on. That's me being honest. I think it my position may contaminate these boards.

Well, read the books anyway, it might help.

Bulcy,

Thanks so much for the well thought out and detailed advice. I will honestly consider everything you suggest. I really admire all the people on here as it seems they are sincerely trying to work things out. I need to really think this through.

Thank you again.

Does your wife know you are only together for the kids? And she agrees with that?

My wife and I would like to divorce. However it is not financially possible.

There is a scientific term for sentences and sentiments of that nature:
Taurus-crapus

Often when people are afraid of action they hang on to any excuse. If you two want to divorce you can. If finances are tight then – if anything – it should be easier. No assets to argue over.
Then you add "the kids" to the excuse-equation. The Latin term for that is:

Duplici Taurus-crapus

Think your kids best interest are seen to in a non-loving, non-respectful and financially strained marriage?
Deal with your pending EA. Communicate with your wife what you two want AND what you two are going to do.

As a BS, I would like to call BULLSHIT on your we are only together for the kids and because we can’t afford a divorce statement. IF this were genuinely the case you could have an in house separation as a bare minimum AND you would have no need to hide your affair from your wife.

As such, you are either completely full of it, like most WS who are still covering their tracks OR you are trying to avoid your wife getting more in a divorce because of your infidelity.

Just how I interpret your limited information as a BS.

If you are deciding to divorce then what was your agreement to why you are living as a married couple for the kids? Are you in a friend marriage where you don’t have sex? If so are you in an open marriage? I’m confused.

I’m apparently a MH since I let my husband’s affair lead me to try to have physical affair. I don’t know if you should tell your wife about the EA. But going forward you both need to establish what you are doing and define what boundaries there are in your marriage.

It is not popular here to not reveal your affair however small even if your partner cheated on you before you decided to step out.

Choosing not to tell your spouse of an affair is supremely selfish. It robs them of their agency. Instead of a spouse,you become the person who controls their life,even if they are unaware. It's cruel. You tell them because they deserve nothing less than the entire truth.

Hi EWG,

Please please please tell your spouse about your EA. EA's are just a big a betrayal as a full blown EA/PA. For me at least, it was my BH's EA with a friend that allowed me to justify blowing up the marriage with a full blown A.

Your wife deserves to be able to make informed decisions about her life moving forward. She can't do that until you come clean. You owe her that- you've had 5 kids with her, made her very dependent upon your help in her day to day life. It's a gross injustice that you're keeping this from her. Your wife isn't stupid. She's likely got a spidey sense telling her something is up with you emotionally. Telling her will bring her relief that her suspicions were not unjustified. Denial of her suspicions will only gaslight her and make her doubt her own sense of reality. It could drive her into depression or bring on great anxiety just from a subconscious intuition that something is off and not being verified.

Hiding the A from her won't do you any favors either. You're going to hold on to this secret and it WILL make you SICK inside. There's a quote that gets passed around on this site a lot: "You're only as sick as your secrets."

This secret will poison your soul and prevent growth and healing from happening. For your own sake, OWN UP TO IT. It will be a relief and a blessing in the future when you're not stressed out looking over your shoulder and full of shame and guilt for what you've done. The shame and guilt may drive you to further acting out.

Rip the bandaid- do it. Suck it up and tell her- it will be painful for both of you. You can't heal an infected wound without first draining the pus. Do it, GET IT OUT of your system and bring it into the light. Only then can you both begin to heal.