SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Saturday night and I am perusing some homes for sale listings because nothing to do with Covid raging around here. I see one for sale near my XWH;s house and the price is crazy high. I know that neighborhood well (we lived there in his house for a couple years before we bought one together). I knew he had fixed it up when we split a few years ago and I knew he retired last year. I also (dumb, I know), noticed that the AP had taken a job about 90 miles away. I thought they had fizzled. But while looking at the other house, I zoomed out and saw his house and the value. And then I clicked a little more and saw that there are other people living there now. So he probably moved with the AP.

I don’t want to be with him. I am doing fine. But it still feels like I am stuck and he moved forward.
(I am not stuck in any way except dating. I’ve bought a home, gotten better jobs, gotten my masters degree, built a great group of friends….)

Well crap. I guess this is my reminder to stay away from his business and not do this to myself.
I guess the upside is I don’t have to worry about running in to him at my favorite taqueria near there.

**sigh** I wish I was a faster learner on some of these lessons.

He's still a POS that didn't stay faithful to you. Chances are, he's not going to be faithful to AP.

Is it Stevnsn who says what do you get when you polish a turd? A shiny turd.

He's not becoming a better person, he's perpetuating a cycle.

Sorry BB it is hard for sure.

Remember that we get our joy intrinsically and the same should be true for other emotions. His apparent moving on doesn't mean he's a better person. He still has to live with himself. And so do you - and you have nothing to be sorry for but he does.

Hey BB:

It's ok to have those pity parties - and sometimes we have a need to check in with our "old business" just to remind ourselves where we are in our new reality or somehow protect ourselves if that reality is going to shift (i.e. - is he still living around the corner or is it he out of the state or...?) It's ok. I get it.

And when we do that, it makes us feel small because we're re-visiting that pain - we're reminded of the death of a relationship and future dreams. I don't think I could pay you to ever go back to a life with him, but feeling puny seems pretty normal to me. What happened will never be right and it will always have a smack of the surreal about it.

For me, I still sometimes have quiet sadness and disbelief about my own mess all these years later.

I would take it as validation that you are human. A kind and feeling and genuine one who knows what's what and allows themselves to feel things, including loss. You've done so much work the last couple of years and this hiccup doesn't say anything about you or your progress.

I had a recent similar experience. I don’t want to say to much for fear of disclosing my sources…but basically it seems XWH is in a serious R if not remarried. It’s funny because I remember wondering early after the separation if he was dating yet. And then it hit me - of course he was! He had been dating while we were married.

So to find this new info was not in anyway surprising. I had no emotional reaction to it (would have once believed it would be devastating when it happened)…but yet I did. Like it somehow reflected that I was not doing as well…that I felt stuck in this past life, still living in the same house, despite how much better my life had actually become. I’m happy with my life - truly. So why did it matter at all what he was now doing with his? I realized that I both felt pity for what this new woman was likely going to experience in the future…but my god, I also envied her for the current "cloud nine" experience that I knew she was likely having. I remember ALL aspects of the relationship quite well. And, oh my, how wonderful that cloud nine experience really was! I guess I’m angry that I will never have that again. Not with him…oh no, never with him. He’s totally insignificant to me now. But more that a cloud nine experience would now likely scare the hell out of me.

Which brings me to this point…

I am not stuck in any way except dating

.

Why do you think you aren’t dating? I ask myself this all the time. In honesty, I think there’s some part of me that just feels like the juice ain’t worth the squeeze. It’ll either be mediocre - no cloud nine - at which point, I don’t have any type of void that needs to be filled. Eh, why bother without the high of the love bombing?. Or I’m going to be on that fucking rollercoaster. I’m healthy enough now to truly understand what a clusterfuck the rollercoaster is…but evidently not healthy enough to not still be jonesying for my drug fix. It’s not that I don’t think I am capable of a healthy relationship…it just seemingly doesn’t appeal to me. And that is where I am still pissed at him, out there still on the streets and dealing. I miss my fucking drug - not my dealer. And I just wonder if I always will…especially when I know someone else is taking their first hits.

It’s a strange place to be. I don’t know if this is what you are experiencing but if so, I completely relate.

Thanks all. I am indeed very much human. And Chili you are sooo right- I would never go back.
But yeah, that fairy tale— I fell hard for it 30 years ago. And I know it was just that- a fairy tale.

I’ll dust off, and get back to moving forward. Thank you for the support during this blip…..

**sigh** I wish I was a faster learner on some of these lessons

Boy, I felt that one.

"of course he was! He had been dating while we were married. rolleyes"

No surprise here, huh?

I am still figuring out what my next several decades are going to be like and that's ok...I was married for more than half of my life.

I can dip my toes on the water. I don't have to go on an ocean voyage :) Baby steps.