SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s all just so shitty. Second relationship/marriage...second time betrayed.

Why is fidelity and loyalty and respect so difficult for some people?

I’m only 7 weeks since DD1 and 2 weeks since DD2...and in A LOT of suffering and trauma over his betrayal...and my mind goes a million miles an hour with thoughts about everything from the betrayal, to my future, to everything in between.

One thing that made me feel comfortable and trusting of my stbx is that he was also betrayed...but who the eff knew he was a also sex addict?? Never saw that coming.

So during the times my mind is blowing up, I think about trusting again someday...HOW??? No way.

I know it’s pointless to think about this now...but I wanted to get this out...I think when the time comes that I’m ready to get back out there, I’ll only be able to be truly comfortable and semi-trusting of a guy who’s been through hell and back with betrayal. Someone who has felt the trauma and life-shattering agony that only betrayal can give. I can’t see myself trusting anyone else...it’s just too much, too risky.

My stbx was a master liar and deceiver...I trusted him fully and he lied SO many times TO MY FACE...IN MY EYES...I will never get past that...that someone could actually do something like that to me...it has really done (and I’m still processing it all) a huge number on my very being.

CHEATERS AND LIARS SUCK.

Riverz- you are heard, and I’m so sorry for all the pain you are in right now.

Thinking about trust is soooooo hard when we are processing all the shock. When everything is raw and messy after we’ve had such an immense blow to our lives. I remember not being able to even comprehend how my body could endure that level of pain without breaking. I did not think I would ever recover. It felt as if every cell in my body has been damaged (and trauma research says that’s not too far off the mark).

I know you may not feel it today, but I think we do find the ability to trust again. Maybe not in the same way we did before, but in a new way that will work for us.

GENTLY, it may help to think about / read about catastrophic thinking. It’s a common thing after a trauma. Our brains are working SO hard to figure out what the hell happened, and how to protect ourselves from it happening again, that everything feels dangerous. It took me a LONG time (like 2 years?) until the catastrophizing began to wane.

Sending hugs and strength

[This message edited by gmc94 at 6:37 AM, Saturday, February 5th]

One thing that made me feel comfortable and trusting of my stbx is that he was also betrayed

Oh yes, the fallacy that if they understand the pain they would never inflict that kind of pain on another. Unfortunately selfish people don't actually care about how others feel. My ex was also a BS in her first marriage and that didn't prevent her from betraying me.

I've also struggled with trust after being betrayed. It doesn't help that the women I have met since then are either looking for someone to take care of them and provide the life they want or are so independent they have no interest in a long term relationship. I realize it is hypocritical, but I feel like I'm done with divorcees and am only interested in a widow or maybe even better no one. It can be lonely, especially during Covid, living alone, but learning to love yourself and create your own joy is way better than having the wrong person in your life.

I know this is someone else’s thread, but gmc, your post was so helpful. It brought me to tears but was also comforting and made me feel less broken and alone.

I struggle with the same. I feel your pain. I wonder if I will ever be able to feel happiness again.

I'm so sorry for your pain. It's so terrible to have to go through this one time, let alone multiple.

For me, my ex was bad to me in multiple ways. Cheating was just one of them. And not the worst. I thought I would have trouble trusting, but my current partner has just never made me feel twisted up and crazy the way my ex did. I just do trust him, weird as that sounds. Now, if HE betrays me I'll be knocked for six because it doesn't jive with the rest of how he acts. It would be a completely out of character act OR it would mean I had him figured completely wrong. Sometimes I do think about that, but there be dragons so I try not to dwell on it.

I'm pretty sure none of my rambling is helpful but I'm just really damn sorry he did this to you. To feel that pain and then inflict it on someone you are supposed to be protecting - that's low.

Thanks for your kind thoughts, everyone.

JanaGreen, this is my issue exactly...my ex presented as NORMAL, KIND, LOVING, PASSIONATE, INLOVE WITH ME, CARING...he checked ALL the boxes!

So since I found out about his double life I am just DEVASTATED. I am still in shock and disbelief that he could do all those things.

I think he has sociopathic tendencies and is a sexual addict. His lying and deception was and still is unparalleled. I have never seen anyone like it. I DO NOT KNOW THIS MAN. He totally fooled me.

So, I know I have a LONG healing road ahead of me. But since my mind races about everything 24-7, I think to myself HOW THE EFF WILL I EVER TRUST ANOTHER MAN???

He’s a complete lying, cheating, disgusting, despicable scumbag...I think I’m entering the anger stage, which I guess is good...

Some questions (like this one) need to go on the back burner while you confront the trauma in baby steps. Worrying about future scenarios is just wasting precious energy at this point. I went through it during the first year or two as well and it just created more anxiety. As you heal over time you will get to a point where you'll feel strong enough to tackle that question. Just not now.

I can highly recommend JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT TO HEALING and also COMFORTABLE WITH UNCERTAINTY as good reading material for you right now.

xo

Oh no riverz. I'm so sorry. That's the scenario I don't know how to address. Emotional abuse, gaslighting, narcissistic rages, deliberate crazy making. Those I know about. My ex was overtly terrible, everyone around me knew it and felt sorry for me (or angry at me) as I flailed around making excuses for him. But to be betrayed by someone who seems great. That's a hurt I don't envy you. I guess he's just very experienced at putting on a good show. That says everything about the lowlife he is and nothing about the good person operating in good faith that you are. I'm just so sorry. I don't understand why people like that get into relationships. Be single if you can't be faithful!

Read FaithFool's response again and again. Don't worry about trusting in the future right now. Focus on a path to healing for your current trauma.

FWIW, I was married to Prince Charming who was really a wolf in sheep's clothing. Fooled me for over 20 years and I never saw it coming. Nor did anyone else. It happens, and I was devastated. Years later and life is good again.

Hang in there!

Riverz, I am sorry about DD2. My heart aches for you. At the very least you now know you are done with zero doubts

I think it is honestly too early to know if you can trust again. There are certainly good people out there. It will for sure take time and patience.

Be kind to yourself. Lots of hugs.

And Trust yourself.

My stbx was a master liar and deceiver...I trusted him fully and he lied SO many times TO MY FACE...IN MY EYES...I will never get past that...that someone could actually do something like that to me...it has really done (and I’m still processing it all) a huge number on my very being.

I hear you. My WW is just as skilled in this. I would watch her lie to everyone else, and realized that I was getting lied to just as masterfully. The last few months have been especially bad. She had me believing that we were in marriage nirvana and that all our past troubles were behind us. As she was cheating on me.

Thanks everyone. I’m taking things one day at a time...the trusting issue will likely be something I’ll have to deal with for years to come.

Wantnomore...I’m so sorry you’ve discovered another dday...that is so heart wrenching. Dday#2 was unbelievably painful...I can’t imagine #3. You sound like you’re done...good. I wish you much peace and joy moving forward in your new life without her. She doesn’t deserve you! Sending you a big ((((hug)))).

Hi Riverz -

DDay #3 was almost more of a relief than anything else.

Sorry you have to go through this too. Being betrayed in a two relationships is just awful.

You don't deserve it, and they don't deserve you. Be strong, you got this!
((((Hugging)))) you right back!

[This message edited by wantnomore at 6:57 PM, Sunday, February 13th]