SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

I haven’t posted here in quite awhile but have been lurking here and there. It is so helpful to read other’s stories and know I’m not alone! That gives me some hope for a brighter future. This is gonna be a long one, but I don’t have anyone to talk to and desperately need to vent a bit. It’s been a few years since I’ve been here and a lot has happened.

I’m not sure if my old posts are up or where to find them, so to quickly recap…Almost two years ago I found out my wife was moonlighting as a prostitute while I was at work. I work in Law Enforcement, thus have odd and very long work hours. She’s blamed me, my work schedule, our finances etc as reasons why she cheated but never taken responsibility for herself.

For the longest time I’ve felt so stuck, paralyzed, frozen, wondering how and why she could do this to me. I wanted to leave when I found out, but a few days later the Covid pandemic hit and that changed things for awhile.

I was still in shock, the world was entering lockdown, I was afraid for my families health and the unknown. So I decided to stay and try and work things out with her. It was as if she became two people. One was a loving wife that I loved hanging out with and laughing with. The other was this beastly ogre that cheated on me with random men for money, while I was risking everything to provide an income and stability for her and our son.

I knew it then but have no doubt now, she’s a bipolar narcissist and she did anything and everything to keep me around. I cried and cried, entered a deep depression, began drinking more, and continued to wake up everyday and go to work to provide for my family.

I thought we entered reconciliation, I thought she understood the depths of my pain, I became pacified from her talks about our future, how we would recover and become stronger than ever before. She said and did what she had to to calm me, but never once apologized.

I feel like such a fool for falling for it. I felt like she understood, she changed, she really only truly cared about us. I continued to drink my sorrows and embarrassment away. I already struggled with this from a lot of exposure to combat in Afghanistan when I was younger. I still do to an extent. Her cheating only served to magnify exponentially my suffering and pain and depression. But she never once admitted to playing a part in that.

We stopped talking about her cheating. Several months ago I brought it up and tried to tell hurt how hurt I still am. She literally laughed at me, and said it’s my fault and she only did what she had to do to survive. She’s always maintained it was always about money. Even though I’ve brought up she’s always been safe, had a nice home, and I tripled my salary within the first three years of our marriage and we weren’t at any time destitute.

None of that matters to her. She explains the only reason I’m still around is because I knew how wrong I was and how horrible I am to her and that’s why I stay. I’m not perfect, but anyone that knows us knows that she is extremely volatile, she was abused as a child and brought up by a bipolar narcissist mother. I have tried to be understanding of that and have always treated her as best I could.

I feel like a fool for doing that now, but I can’t be too hard on myself. I was naive when I met her, and wanted to protect her and give her a good life. I had a happy childhood and loving parents, and have always had a strong drive to help others less fortunate. I spent most of my young adulthood in the military and didn’t really get to date a lot of women. I fell for her quickly after we met and I admit I do still love her, or at least who I thought she was.

Recently I found several messages on her phone from men she fucked while I was at work. She told them she wasn’t available, but never said any more than that. No, "don’t contact me again" or "I’m working on things with my husband" etc. Just, "I’m not available right now". Part of our conditions for staying together was to tell me if any of them tried to contact her again.

She blew it off like nothing happened and it’s not a big deal. Who knows, maybe she’s right. Although I obviously know there’s nothing in her that would stop her from cheating or feeling bad about it, I don’t think she’s actively doing it now. The only reason I say that is I have access to her finances that she doesn’t know. Not that it really matters anyways.

I feel like the last month or so I’ve started to poke my head out from depression, started thawing and becoming able to move again. Whether she’s cheating on me now or not doesn’t matter, she couldn’t do any more damage than what’s already been done.

I keep picturing my life being single, even lonely and miserable and single, and it’s still better than being with her. This used to scare me so much. I thought I had a good job, good wife, a family, a son, a happy life. Never thought I’d be here.

Most days she doesn’t hardly talk to me, and is very careful to avoid asking about how I’m feeling or what’s going on in my life. I’m literally here just to provide security and a paycheck for her and nothing else.

There’s a lot of things that need to happen before I divorce her but it’s coming. Never in my life have I felt so sure. I’m scared to be alone, lose everything, my house, half my time with my son etc. But after reading stories here I know it’s going to be so worth it.

I don’t have any illusions of an easy life or karma or anything after I leave. I’ll likely be alone and struggling financially for quite a while. She’s dug us in a big hole in that respect, partially to keep me from leaving I think. I know she’ll probably find a successful guy and try and rub it in my face soon after we split. Oh well. May God have mercy on that poor man.

I may be 35 with a kid and living with my parents, but I don’t care. That would be better than spending one more day with the trauma of betrayal and deep depression that comes with it. I know this isn’t the path I chose to be on, but I feel like I have to make the best of it. As hard as it’s been so far, it can’t kill me. It won’t break me. And I’ve learned a hell of a lot.

I don’t know if I can ever be in a relationship again, but honestly I’m not really worried about that anymore. I don’t need to replace her right now, I just want to live for me. Who knows, maybe someday I’ll find a gem of a Woman that values loyalty like I do and we can start something beautiful. I’d like to think there’s one out there.

LITS, glad you are starting to take control of your future.
Are you in IC? That might help you navigate whatever comes next. And I hope you will reduce the drinking— I also hit it hard after DDAY and I’ve cut back dramatically and it is better.

Read the fear vs reality thread in this forum— lots of good experience noted there. And get your ducks in a row: Talk to a few lawyers to understand what D might look like, work on getting the finances in better shape.

When you are ready to make the decision, you will know. But takes steps now that will help you whether you D or not.

Best of luck—

I’m scared to be alone, lose everything, my house, half my time with my son etc. But after reading stories here I know it’s going to be so worth it.

It will be so worth it. Going through the D process sucks but life on the other side, free from a cheater and the unimaginable stress it is living with one, is so so so sweet.

Hang in there my friend. You just took a huge positive step for yourself!

I think you've made a good decision. Nothing has changed in your situation for the last two years and clearly, your STBXWW never bothered to do any of the necessary work toward remediating her flawed character. It might seem daunting to have to "start over", but the reality of the situation is that you'll probably bounce back financially pretty quickly. Emotionally, you'll finally be free to heal, and who knows?.. in time you might meet someone who not only is more deserving of your love and devotion, but who might be a great role model for you child as well. Bear in mind that studies tell us that kids really just need ONE SANE PARENT. You'll be able to set up a safe haven for your kid, where people aren't stressed and miserable all the time.

I think you've done what you could with this. Time to move on and start living your life again.

Yes, once I had my unsuspecting cheating WS served, I began to take control of my own life and it felt really good.
Please see a few attorneys bc you might get custody of you child. I really felt better when they explained things logically to me, and didn’t rush me. I stopped drinking during all of this so that I could really focus. Also, my children were understandably hurt by the D. I felt that they had to go thru this process without drinking and drugs so I should be able to do the same. I got my children a counselor so that I could go, too,( if you’re worried about seeing an IC with your job.) I also called into the Alanon phone meetings bc they help you deal with disordered people (our spouses). My children’s counselor said to keep it truthful all the time with my kids, that they would come out better that way. And it’s true! They used the tools the counselor gave them to deal with their Dad -still!!!!!! They both graduated college, were in marching band, have jobs, and are very kind people.
I told them our property lines were their safe haven and no one was going to jack with them here. They had a peaceful place here to grow and chill. My best friend came from a divorced home. She said very early she was able to see 2 completely different households and knew she wanted to model her father’s home with her family when she became an adult, so that was my goal.

Try not to let her have the house. My xwh tried to buy me out, luckily I pushed back bc he would have moved the OW and her kids in here. If your atty says you can get the house-great!! If he says the house should be sold, and you don’t want your child to have to move, just remember in a few short years he may be living with you anyway.

Please post here thru all of this, bc so many people till have tips and ideas for you.

Yes, I definitely think you will find a really great lasting marriage a few years out. Not all women are like your ws.

Get yourself the best attorney possible and file for full custody. Your wife has a (disgnosed, I suppose) mental illness and has worked as a sex worker (with taxes????) without your consent. That makes a very convincing case for her unfitness as a parent. She must still be in your sons life, just not as a decisive force.

Fight for your house.

Get yourself into IC ASAP, with a therapist who specialises in trauma. This is a very complex topic, but untreated PTSD leads to an incapability to judge other people's behaviour correctly. You basically suffer from a partial blindness when it comes to other people's (your partner's) motivations and intentions. You project your justfied need for stability, harmony and stress freedom onto an environment not capable of truly providing it.

You have served a lot, your country, your family, your son, your wife. Now it is time to serve YOURSELF. Don't try to UNDERSTAND your wife; her readoning is beyond reason. She is TOXIC and broken. This has NOTHING to do with you whatever you do or say. She is no longer your project. Detach, no matter how painful it is. It is sad to leave her like that, but it is now her journey. You are NOT obliged to save her soul.

You are, however, totally obliged to create a healthy and happy environment for your son.

This relationship has given you a beautiful child and a clear notion of what you need to be happy and what you will never, ever want to experience with someone again. That is not NOTHING to start from. With a good therapeut you will be able to remain your care gene without stepping into the traps of a helper syndrome. YOU WILL HAVE BEAUTIFUL, MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS.

Thank you all for the advice! It’s really come at I time when I’m at my lowest and need it.

I’m not in IC currently but am not against the idea. I’ve met with a few that I was unimpressed with, one even suggested I just work out a deal and take a cut of her earnings as a prostitute!!! WTF??? Didn’t go back after that.

I’m trying to cut back on the drinking and I unfortunately picked up smoking again after DDay. I’ve been in such a deep depression that my health took a back seat and I really just quit caring anymore. I’ve almost cut smoking completely out, and have a set limit of days/amount I can drink that gradually lessens each week. So far I’ve done pretty well but it’s early. Taking back my health and starting a new life away from her has really motivated me to sticking to my plan though.

STBXWW wants to blame everything bad on my ptsd from my time in the military. She’s insisting on sending me to a rehab facility that focuses on veterans. I was against the idea at first, this is just another attempt to "fix" me and show everybody how broken I am and she’s been the one holding everything together and so on.

At this point, I’m not really against going. I don’t think I’m a hopeless alcoholic, but I do drink more than I should and more than I want to. I do have ptsd from my current job and from the military, but 95% of all of the stress and reasons I drink have to do with her. My parents scoffed when I told them, and basically both said they don’t think I would drink if I wasn’t with her. I have to say I agree. Although, a month or so away from her and the chance to really work intensively in IC sounds worth it.

I have to be really careful with any type of treatment or rehab due to my job, but I may be able to work it out. I know of others that have gone, and they generally say they support it bc they want it treated before I get in trouble or have issues at work. May be the calm before the storm, as I want to move forward with the divorce asap when I get back.

Also, I’ve met with a few attorneys though none recently. Due to my work I’d like to take a shot at mediation instead of the court route. Don’t really want my coworkers to watch this go down in a court room. I’ve accepted if she fights and it ends up that way it is what it is.

I’d love to keep the house, and may be able to afford it on my own. She definitely can’t and would have to sell if I don’t keep it. The attorneys I’ve spoken with said the courts may favor my son and I moving in with my parents due to my work schedule and odd hours. We’ll just have to see.

Right now I’m planning on worst case scenario, it’s really hard to get a fair deal and custody as a father where I live. Some of the attorneys told me I may get 50/50 now, then be able to push for more down the road. It’s all a confusing mess for now!!!

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Keep taking those baby steps in a positive direction.

I've got to say something though. I was married to a career (now retired) LEO. Her excuse about the scheduling is complete bullshit, and, no pun intended, a complete copout. She did the prostitution because she wanted to. Pure and simple.

I keep picturing my life being single, even lonely and miserable and single, and it’s still better than being with her.

This ^^ tells you everything you need to know, and should solidify your decision. Sure, it might be difficult for a while in the aftermath, but it will be SO worth it in the long run!

Kudos for taking control of your health! You need to be healthy for your son, and you don't want to give your WS any ammunition to use against you.

I encourage you to continue looking for a good IC, but look for one that specifically has infidelity experience.

I’m sorry for you and your child. Your wife has lost her mind and her excuses are clear signs of a severe issue.

My H traveled all over the world for his job. I never once thought becoming a prostitute was a good idea. Yes I was home bring a solo mom with kids and job and responsibility etc. but cheating never crossed my mind.

I hope you can get more than 50% custody. You deserve it and so does your child.

Living in limbo like you have been is like living in hell. I like the positive steps you are taking and always remember to put your child’s best interest first. That will make you happy and reduce the need to turn to drinking or smoking.

Get a shark of an attorney. You need it.

Hi all,

Just wanted to share a quick update:

Quite a bit has happened in the last few weeks as I’ve been working to make this D a reality. I met with a lawyer today that I really liked and will likely retain. He seemed to have a very good understanding of my situation and helped me come up with a clear plan.

Financially I’ve been worried about trying to pay an attorney as STBXWW is a constant money drain and is bleeding me dry. I’ve considered selling some things to help and may still need to do that. I talked to some of my relatives that were very supportive of my decision and offered a place to stay if needed, as well as financial assistance for any legal fees. This was HUGE as I’ve been wanting out for so long but have not been able to stop her from draining my accounts yet.

As far as the drinking and smoking, I’ve pretty much entirely quit. I haven’t had a cigarette since the beginning of this month and only 1-2 beers in one sitting. Really the only reason for that is I’ve been trying to reconnect with friends and hang out with coworkers so I’ve had a beer in a social setting. To help break this habit I’ve been working out most days and trying to get in better shape. This has helped me stay the course and motivate me for a new life!

She still doesn’t think D is in the realm of possibility, but that’s gonna change soon. She’s frustrated about not making money at her work and informed me last week she started an only fans account. I’m past the point of getting upset and basically told her to do whatever she feels she has to do. No point in trying to talk her out of it, and who knows, that may help me in court.

There’s still a lot of things that need to happen but I’m feeling better than I have in a long time. I feel like I’m finally starting to reclaim my life. Hopefully be able to file within the next few weeks and get the ball rolling!

Great positive update!

Just remember you are not alone.

I’m sorry your wife is so misguided but you now realize she’s not going to change and she’s not going to put you or your marriage or your family first.

If you have joint credit cards I suggest you cancel them.

Possibly look to file your taxes this year married but separate. Only one of you can claim your child as a dependent so if you file first that would be you. Same for mortgage interest and taxes etc. see an accountant or tax expert for advice. Your refund is then your $.

Start a separate bank account for your paycheck (when ready) to control the $ drain.

It’s the first step to financially separating yourself.

You have described someone so disordered that there is nothing that can fix her. She also sounds dangerous. Seriously! People this narcissistic are completely absorbed into their own wants.

I have no idea how you have managed to stay in the same house. You are in law enforcement and she breaks it every time she accepts money for sex.

Stay sober and stay away from cigarettes and second hand smoke. You body is taking a beating with the amount of stress you are under. Please consider EMDR. It was developed to help military folks suffering from PTSD.

You should probably keep a VAR on you. Not for any time except when she begins accusing you of things. Narcissistic women have been known to make false accusations of DV. Take care and be very cautious around her. Narky people go apes**t when they don’t get their way.

Hi all,

Just another update. I finally did it. Filed for divorce and had a talk with her a couple of weeks ago.

It went pretty well, as well as it could given the situation. I’m still alive, and not in jail so I’m thankful for that.

I picked a time and got my son out of the house and told her. I made sure to have a recorder on which came in handy. She got pretty upset at the news and immediately began crying and begging for me to stay etc. I left the house and have only been back to pick up my son.

The judge shot down my ex parte order to have her move out, so unfortunately I’m stuck paying the bills and she has stayed in the home. I wish I could go back but it’s too risky with her behavior and not safe for me to do so. I’ve been staying with my parents in the meantime which has worked out well so far. They’ve been a huge help with custody and watching my son when my work schedule gets in the way.

She’s been playing a lot of games and not been cooperative in any way. She’s trying to make custody of my son as hard as possible, been showing up/calling my friends/family/coworkers etc to tell them what a piece of s**t I am. Meanwhile continues to blame me for breaking our family apart and abandoning her. I refuse to engage with it and could really care less what she tells other people. Anyone that knows me knows she’s full of it so haven’t really had any negative reactions from it. I let my supervisors at work know about her so they’re ready if she tries to call them or get my work involved in any way.

On the plus side I met a really great lady who came from a similar situation. I’ve taken her out on a couple dates and wow, feels amazing to be able to enjoy spending time with someone that isn’t screaming or insulting me and all the other nonsense I’ve put up with for so long. I forgot what it’s like to have a conversation and just enjoy it and laugh together.

She knows my situation and has a similar history so we’re taking it slow, plus I’m not really trying to get too involved before my divorce is finalized. I know STBXWW is already seeing other people so I don’t feel bad about it, but don’t really want her to know until it’s all said and done.

Still a lot to take care of for the divorce, but right now my main concern is time with my son and doing something about my house. It’s still stressful but wow, I’ve never been this happy. Even with all the bs I have to deal with bc of this! Oh, and aside from having a beer or two in social settings I haven’t had the urge to drink at all. That disappeared as soon as I got away from her! Same with smoking. Just been going to the gym when I get the chance instead.

Anyways, just wanted to share and say thank you to everyone for their input. Still not out of the woods but things are looking up and I see a bright future ahead!!! I’m amazed at the amount of people that have really stepped up and showed support in my life. Some of them I would’ve never expected, and it means so much to me! I read it here 100 times, but I am so glad I pulled the trigger on this! It will get better!!! To anyone wondering, don’t stay stuck! It’s scary but take the plunge and it’s so worth it!!!