SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is it always a bad idea?

Background:
It was a 5 year EA/PA. Yes years. The last 5-6mo were long distance. She ended it with an ultimatum that I leave my wife, which I did not do, and things did not end well between us. AP was single and I lied to her about being married for the first 4-5 months. AP initially told me to fuck off when she found out I was married, but I lied about getting a divorce and somehow convinced her to still see me. AP was divorced, her H had an EA/PA with her best friend and divorced her while she dealt with a breast cancer diagnosis. She went through a lumpectomy, chemo, radiation, etc., all while going through the divorce process. AP had no kids and lost her fertility as a result of the cancer treatment. Her exH and exBF quickly married and had a kid. She met me 2 years later and I was the first person she dated post divorce. We spent an insane amount of time together.

So I now feel like complete shit about the way I treated her. I cringe and want to crawl into a hole whenever I think about it. I feel like scum. I wasted years of her life. I was a fucking emotional wreck and I had no business being in any relationship. AP wasn't a bad person, she was just with a bad person - me.

I do not want to get back together with her. She lives in another state. I am almost divorced and I've recently figured some of my shit out and the last thing I need is a relationship. I feel like I need to make amends with her but I have no desire to hurt her more.

What's the right thing to do here? Let it be or offer an apology?

I would say leave it be. Whatever healing she has done could be undone by your contact. She may read it as you are reaching out to take her temperature or get your foot back in the door. And this could reignite her feelings towards you. You would be possibly setting her up for more rejection.

No means no new hurts. Let it go and focus on now. You do not have power over her healing or non-healing. Only she does. Leave that be.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:30 AM, Saturday, February 19th]

I will also point out the ap is not innocent in the situation. Getting involved with a married man was a bad decision. The consequences of that decision most of the time is what she experienced. I am not sure you even owe her an apology.

IDK, Buck. You want to tell her you were an asshole. She already knows you were an asshole. You can't fix the damage you inflicted with a few sentences. All you can do is open the door to a messy interaction that could do harm to her and/or any healthy relationship she managed to subsequently build.

I feel like the person who benefits from an apology is you. It would make you feel better and possibly give you a little shot of ego kibble in hearing that her history with you still matters. I think living with the knowledge of how badly you behaved towards her, and how justifiably vitriolic she feels about you, is just your cross to bear now. Put that energy into making sure that you never again use your own pain as an entitlement to mistreat someone else.

I hope that your divorce is giving you some long delayed peace and healing.

I did it, and bottom line, I shouldn't have. It was the final bad move in a whole string of them starting with looking for an AP in the first place. She and I were involved for 2 years. Almost daily contact, frequent meetings. Both M but she was on her way out (exit A). I had no intention of leaving and at least was honest with AP about that. Dday came for me and I instantly cut it off with AP, ghosted her. It was cruel. I stayed with W, just barely. AP reached out 6 months later. I ignored her.

W and I managed to stay together via a great deal of anguished conversation and a heaping helping of the rug sweep. I kept thinking about AP though, partly with longing, partly out of guilt. 18 months after Dday I tracked AP down on line. We had several exchanges online and on the phone. She unloaded on me all the pain and anguish I had caused her. I apologized all I could. She openly beckoned me back but I declined.

I had made all the amends I could but it was a pathetic effort and, net, not worth doing. I told W I did that and she was upset of course at the recontact but actually believed me that I was trying to do the right thing. Way too little and far far too late.

Hi Buck,

I'm with BSR and HO on this one- bad idea all around and likely more self serving than not.

Post it in the stay NC thread.

I found writing a Dear John letter was helpful and helped clarify my responsibilities in the A and helped me gain closure within myself for the pain I inflicted on AP with the A. Writing it is a good exercise- it gets it out of your system. But sending it... yeah, not healthy. NC is NC for a reason. As DD said below, it opens the door to a whole lotta unhealthy.

A's are drugs. The instant you go back for a "hit" you're opening yourself up to a full blown addiction.

Post it if you must in NC. Write it out either way. But DON'T send it.

Dday came for me and I instantly cut it off with AP, ghosted her. It was cruel.

Someone recently framed guilt towards ghosting the AP in a way that I found useful. They said that if you cared about the AP, then it was your job to protect them by not allowing your friendship to become an affair. That moment, and not D-Day, is when you killed the healthy bond you had with them and made NC inevitable.

I agree with the others, leave it be. Instead, pay it forward. Donate to the cancer society. Forgive someone who was hurtful to you in the past. Encourage others to apologize now while it's not too late for them. Advocate for truth and kindness. Sometimes the best thing we can do for the people we hurt is to simply stop being the jerks we were when we hurt them.

I spent a bit of time pondering if I was thinking about contacting her to ease my guilt, and I admit, that is part of the reason. I really do not wish to rekindle any sort of relationship with her. I don't know if this is a rationalization or not, but I just wanted her to know that I felt guilt, remorse, regret, etc. for the way I treated her. I though maybe my admission would help her in some way.

Another aspect is I am going through divorce now. I'm trying to make amends for some of the pain I've caused others. Tossing all of the skeletons out of the closet and dealing with them properly. I've let rumination and rage rule me for far too long and I'm trying to mend relationships I've damaged. I'm trying to get rid of some of the baggage I've been dragging around for decades. I'd like to address these things so the ghosts of the past don't impact any future relationships. It's not easy or comfortable. I'm not going to contact her, the last thing I want to do is add to the pain I've caused her.

Hi Buck,

I'm glad you looked into your motivations.

I still think it would be useful for you to write the letter with all the remorse and regret you wish you can communicate to her and NOT SEND IT. The act of writing it out is something I've found to be a good way to purge negative emotions I have about myself and my choices and their consequences to others.

It's like writing a letter to a dead relative. They can't communicate back, but it's a way to give it back to God and kinda a form of prayer (if you're into that). Like a confession. Getting it out there in paper form, seeing it there in black and white, acknowledging your wrong and hurtful behavior, is essentially what confession is.

Write it, burn it, send it in a bottle on the sea, whatever, just get it out, don't share it with her and gain peace in knowing you understand exactly what you did to her. When that understanding is solidified, you can feel more at peace with yourself. If you understand why, how and how much you're capable of hurting another, and are sorry for it, I have to hope it makes you less capable of repeating it in the future.