SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Something that recently came up to me in our counseling is the ability to look within and feel safe. Like, can I look within myself when I'm doing hurtful behavior and feel safe seeing the truth? Can I feel safe in knowing that no matter what ugliness born of hurt I find, I can see, accept and work to heal?

Something different happened to me in MC the other day. BH was guided to look within himself to see how he was hurt (by FOO). He discussed it with me and shared his pain over it. It was the first time in, well, I don't even know when (maybe ever?) that he's done that with me. I suddenly felt safe. Like, here was a man I had thought incapable of internal reflection and ownership of pain that I hadn't caused, reflecting on it and owning it. He acknowledged woundedness from FOO and how that exaggerated his responses to my wounding me. For the first time I experienced relief of the burden of being the cause of ALL his pain and the source of ALL his suffering. That he saw that his parents were flawed humans too, and had hurt him too, and that maybe it's ok to love people who are flawed and hurt you.

Well, I shared that with him driving home from my IC and it triggered him and now we're back at square one with me being perceived as someone who takes pleasure in dragging down his family and only wants to bond over pain.

Oh well, it was nice while it lasted. Maybe next time I'll learn when is a better time to share my relief and happiness that he could be vulnerable with me.

Really though, this makes me wonder why I feel safe around people who are open with their own hurt and damage vs those who bottle it up or pretend. The pretenders just seem more dangerous than those with poor coping mechanisms (and hurtful behaviors) who own up to being hurt people. The pretenders remind me of my sisters who would abuse me at home and enjoy great popularity at school. People who pretended that they're fine and their shit don't stink in my mind are the ones most likely to abuse.

More thoughts on safety in relationships. More of a journal thread I guess. If someone finds it helpful, that would be great. I'd also appreciate insights anyone may have as well. I'm looking at changing my thought patterns as the well worn ones don't serve me well. I'm at the point where my thinking/reasoning brain knows certain things and I've got tools to override and break patterns manually. However, it's just not gelled on that gut/emotional brain side yet. Yesterday I was starting my monthly (yay for being female) and the progesterone drop causes me to go deep into depression-saps my emotional energy and makes it nearly impossible to function. Kinda like a little reminder of my post partum days.

Anyhow, the "post partum" monthly visit got me thinking and ruminating on the vasectomy (one sided- my depression was awful and despite my pleadings not to, BH went ahead with it. AFTER 1.5yrs of affection and touch deprivation- my 2 main love languages). Since I'm approaching 40 and my family sees menopause around 43/44 (I'm 39), each period is a reminder of my impending infertility. It doesn't help that my cycles are becoming irregular w/ spotting, shorter/longer, hot flashes beginning and weight gain happening. I'm planning on seeing a dietician at my GP to get a grip on how to eat now I'm in perimenopause. I also plan on starting to run again- want to do 10k race at 8min mile pace is the goal.

Anyway, despite my efforts to be healthy and despite knowing that having another child right now is likely a VERY bad idea, I found myself mourning the loss of future children. I felt it was stolen from me by BH. I felt so degraded as a woman and mother. We married after I converted to Catholicism and I took my new beliefs seriously- we did NFP successfully, avoiding pregnancy and achieving it successfully. It was difficult and tricky to do, but it was working. I wanted more once I had the post-partum under control. I felt lied to and betrayed by his vasectomy. I felt the sacramental fabric of our marriage was destroyed by his actions. I felt coerced into it as a SAHM with a vulnerable mental state. I felt abandoned, discarded and degraded by his stonewalling.

He was overwhelmed providing and dealing with small kids and my mental illness. He had his struggles and was encouraged/pressured by his dad who had a vasectomy too. I am not without sympathy for that. He felt desperate as my going on BC was not really an option- it just increased my depression when I was on it in college. AND it was against my beliefs AND it's considered a carcinogen by the World Health Org. And cancer runs in my family. So, he did the best he could for us with what he had.

From that point on, I felt our marriage died. I felt his attempts of being a good Catholic were a lie. His denial of the harm he caused me, his denial of there being anything wrong spiritually with what he did, made him a hypocrite in my mind. The finances were a hot mess too. He ignored my difficulties with the foreclosures and tax auctions. He minimized the impact of utility shut offs and me feeding spaghetti, pbj's and ramen to our kids because we needed diapers and couldn't afford better. He even complained that I didn't dress nicely when all I could afford were cast offs from friends, my mom and the occasional gifts from family of clothes. I couldn't dress myself as I liked because we could barely keep the lights on and afford food.

In short, for many years, I had an unsafe home, an unsafe husband (someone who gaslights you and lies to his family is unsafe) and a husband who refused MC.

All this came up again yesterday as I was mourning the loss of the babies I hoped to be able to love.

We were discussing these things and I brought up how I wished I filed for divorce sooner- during his EA with D (our friend). How I realized the marriage was truly dead and my mental breakdown ensued. I wished I had the strength to do that as it was the only way I now see as appropriate to have kept my integrity and begin healing. This upset BH as he feels manipulated by my previous D papers. The only reason I stopped the D one year after DDay was because he got into IC (that was my condition of continuing the M- he was becoming abusive in his anger).

I haven't felt safe in the marriage for over 10yrs. BH hasn't felt safe since DDay (2.5yrs). He expressed hurt, anger and his sadness over the loss of security. I deeply relate to that. It hurts me to see him in the same spot I was in during my post-partum days (and really right up to and past the A). He's done so much to allay my financial insecurities and has worked so hard to understand my need for emotional security (around him and other women). He's been so understanding of the sheer amount of struggles I have on a daily basis. It is amazing to me the strength that he has and the dedication (unearned) he has shown me.

I hate what I've done to him and hate what I have and am putting him through. I am so ashamed of myself (no longer for the A, I have forgiven myself for that and am working hard to change- something I am proud of myself for). I am ashamed though that he is tied to such a difficult, broken person. He doesn't deserve this. Even before the A I would tell him how I wished I would die so that he could move on and marry someone who deserved him and he could have a better wife.

My husband brought up how he felt that resorting to divorce to obtain an end is evil. And that it's never acceptable to use evil to manipulate a situation. It's funny, because that is EXACTLY how I felt about the vasectomy. For me the divorce was a boundary- either he gets help or I'm out. I'm not going to continue in a relationship where one partner isn't participating in their own healing. It would be interesting to see in the years ahead if he can develop empathy for this. That his pursuing of an evil to manipulate our marriage did exactly the same thing to me as what I did to him with the divorce.

I think I need to rework my understanding of the whole vasectomy thing. Instead of seeing it as only an evil that my husband forced upon me, perhaps I can meet him halfway and understand that for him, the vasectomy was a boundary. Just as my divorce papers were a boundary.

BH now feels like our marriage/relationship are conditional. I think in some ways that started with the vasectomy and completed with my A and D papers. I think the whole sacramentality (covenant- absolute commitment like God's unconditional love and care for us) was killed with the vasectomy. At that point, it was a one sided marriage- he got what he wanted and blatantly ignored/belittled the damage he did to me. I completed the work with my A. I'm wondering though, aren't all relationships between broken people this way? I mean, I think God wants us to aim for perfection in all we do, to keep striving for it, to not give up on it, but I have to believe that He knows what we are. I mean, He was one of us for a while and He made us, right? If you make anything, like a craft project, you'll know every stitch or nail you put into it and have deep intimate understanding of what you've made. Why would it be different for God? I mean, He knows we're not going to make it on our own. I don't think He judges us for it anymore though- do you love the sweater you've knitted any less because there may be a skipped stitch?

I guess where all these ramblings are going is, yes, marriage is conditional, especially when it's taken out of its original bounds (vows made). I don't think anymore though that a broken M can be any more irredeemable though because of that. Guess I'm saying I have hope and faith that things will get better with time and work.

I've seen my BH starting to understand what happened in our M, I'm seeing him wake up to his own inner workings and failings and struggles. It's not going to be an easy road. The more he's working toward self knowledge, the more I see him breaking down his interior walls, the more I am respecting and admiring him. I'm beginning to feel safer around this man who is growing gentle, becoming more self aware and this man shouldering his own cross. He has grown so tremendously it is breathtaking some days. I have hope for our M because of this- that I'm seeing these things and that he's beginning to see them too.

I don't think empathy for another is possible until you're able to empathize with yourself. BH has been so very closed off to his interior life (or at least has so closed it off to me) that I couldn't trust him enough to empathize with him. Even if I learn to trust him and love him as he deserves and his trust never comes back for me, even if he does decide to leave, I think I can make peace with the fact that all this suffering has not been completely wasted on either of us.

And now I'm crying. Not in hurt but relief. Thanks for sticking with my novel.

Hi there. I have read through all of this and I am so sorry you are suffering.

I’m not sure how I can help you - but wanted you to know someone has read this and is offering a virtual hug.

What do you need from us? How can we help you?

PS - I know it took strength and courage to dig deep and put all this out there. That was ballsy and commendable

My response is the same, MIgander. One exercise I found useful was to say it so a 6 year old would understand. What insight did you get from the experience, or what questions or concerns came up? Or was writing it out for yourself all that you needed?

I didn't realize you're a madhatter? Did I read you right - your H had an EA (or perhaps it was physical)? If so, what are you doing to heal as a BS?

Hi Sisoon,

I consider myself to be a MH in a very minor way- my BH's EA was on a platonic frame- he had no idea he was crossing boundaries. She didn't either. However, she revealed to me the internal state of her marriage (lack of attention from her H, curiosity about sleeping with other men as she had only been w/ her H). Between BH sharing his emotional, spiritual life with her, idolizing her and comparing me negatively to her... Like, "you need to shop with D so you can dress like her, she dresses so nice." "You should learn how to cook from D, she is such a good cook!" "You should parent like D- her kids are so well behaved!" "You should do your hair like D- I love how long it is and the highlights look great!" "You should decorate the house like D- go shopping with her and learn, her house is so lovely." "I wish you could keep our house as clean as her- it's so peaceful there."

He swears it would never have evolved into a PA- "he respected her too much for that" Gee, if we all had a dollar for every time a WS said they would NEVER do THAT! Basically I am not going to stick around in a marriage with an emotionally unfaithful man just because he promises me that he would NEVER betray me physically. Really? I don't think I even want to be in a relationship where I'm supposed to put up with emotional infidelity because "at least it's not physical"

Their relationship really was on the way to a full blown A- the writing was on the wall- her leaning in, touching him, finding ways to have private conversations at parties, inviting him over specifically when her H wasn't home to look at her basement refinishing project (within her texts to him! "Gary's not home today, why don't you come over to look at the basement")... her curiosity about sex with other men... her complaints of her H not paying her attention or appreciating her... it doesn't take a genius to see where the whole thing was a train wreck waiting to happen.

Doesn't justify my A, BH owned it briefly admitting to having an EA with D. I don't feel like he's deeply addressed it though and still feel unsafe with him around other attractive women with shared interests. He's doing better, sharing the texts, and asking my input on where boundaries are. Open and transparent. It's better.

BH has had other EA's too over the years. One with L, one with J (after my affair), one with D, one with M. He's not having boozy lunches with his co-worker J any more. Helps that she left the company. L was a college friend, M was a friend from our earlier marriage where he compared me negatively to her.

I've written enough about this to make a novel. My own insecurities and heightened radar on these things come from my FOO where my dad cheated flagrantly on my mom with a family friend (JUST LIKE BH DID WITH D). His was a PA whereas BH's was an EA. I had buried the trauma so deep (was in elementary and middle school when it was going on), I couldn't access it and make the connection. I have a natural sensitivity to these things and my head is on a swivel for it. So yeah, my level of reactivity was really heightened because of my childhood. Still, it objectively happened. It objectively was going on and was progressing.

That was the cause of my mental breakdown. I was expected to believe that my BH was a great husband, a great father, that his failings were "normal" and that I was the problem in our marriage, not him. I was expected to be a good "Catholic" wife- be faithful, be gentle, be tolerant and kind no matter what. The whole meek and mild thing. I was expected to respect him when I was being disrespected and to accept his guidance financially when he was fucking up big time and generally take his lead because he "came from a good family background and your family is so fucked up." I was expected to be a trophy wife with no budget. Expected to have a 4,000sqft house perfectly clean with 2 kids, full time job and active social life and NO BUDGET for a cleaning lady. I was expected to have the home beautifully decorated with NO BUDGET and expected to give him lavish gifts, which miraculously we had a budget for.

It was too much. I was being compared to Fakebook marriages of people who were not battling ADHD, mental illness, financial devastation and women who were SAHM's with doctors or lawyers or C level husbands. Fucking unbelievable.

BH is addicted to Instagram now. Thinks it's reality for our social circle. Thinks we need to fit in with it. That our social circle is all doing it and that it's normal for us. It's not normal for me. I need so much help to achieve that level of perfection. I don't know how to dress like that. I need to lose 20lbs to look like that. I need to get botox and lipo and laser resurfacing. I need breast implants. Hell, I want them for myself. I've always been so grossed out after nursing by my flat and flabby boobs. I want them just so I can feel good about myself. Fuck what BH thinks, I hate my boobs.

I can't do this. I can barely get my tire fixed. I can barely keep up with my psych appointments, children's therapy, house cleaning, cooking, shopping, working, trying to have friends or family relationships. I can't hardly work.

I'm having a really bad day. Spiraling into a panic again and overwhelmed. Can't hardly work and constantly crying.

This all got triggered by a stupid conversation about instagram models on Sunday. It's so hard. I have been betrayed and abused and while I can forgive and empathize, sometimes I'm so crushed by it and my own inadequacies that I can't handle real life.

I wish I could have all the time back and all the energy back that I've wasted during my mental breakdowns. My life is slipping away and being wasted on all this overwhelming crippling emotion. It's no wonder I was so ready to commit suicide in fall 2019. I've wanted to on and off since middle school. Wanted to die so my BH could find a better wife when the kids were young. I didn't want him to have the burden of a divorce preventing him from seeking a new wife and being able to receive the Eucharist. I prayed and cried out to God for it.

It's shitty that I would rather die for the sake of others than pray to God for my own deliverance. On days like today, death would be.

Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going to walk the dog in a bit, take a nap and go take my tire in to be patched.

This is what it's like to live in my head about 50% of the time. I am sometimes amazed that I've been able to make it this far and this long in my life.

Sounds like a tough day — please take care of yourself. You’ve been heard.
(And really, don’t do anything rash. This day will pass.)

Feeling a bit better after the walk and a lunch. Thanks for checking in BB.

You write of being an MH in a minor way, and you the write your H conducted multiple EAs. Being a BS in a single EA is not minor, and it's a lot less minor when it's multiple EAs. I don't mean to compare your PA with his EAs. They're 2 different matters, and IMO you can and owe it to yourself to heal from both.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time now.

Thanks Sisoon.