SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Counseling may help the emotional upheaval that you are feeling. Divorce is bitter and difficult no matter what. Marriage was designed to last forever, so anything that would cause separation brings much pain.

Hi Homie,
I am in a similar situation. He has lots of family money, recently left his salaried position to start a bunch of businesses. Used all our savings. Businesses aren't split in this country. Our divorce is at-fault, and technically he has to pay to maintain our lifestyle- but of course he is claiming his businesses make no income. He lives through them and uses his family money for everything else.

Our financial battle is just beginning- but I hate that he unilaterally cut me out of half the "Fun" parts our kids lives. He only wants the kids every other weekend and for vacations. Enjoying his life with his girlfriend the rest of the time.

I plan on moving back to my hometown where my family is. We will have less money but more fun memories. My kids are younger (under 5) so a day at the park with their cousins means the most to them. I don't know how things will be in the future. I feel sick about it too.

Hi Robin,

I’m sorry you are going through this as well. The betrayal alone is difficult enough. Then add on the destruction of the family & all the changes to the family traditions that were built & the lifestyle ... and the future you thought you had. So much grief & denial & now I am moving into anger & trying to get to the acceptance & indifference.

Moving home to your support system sounds like an amazing idea. I agree that your children are more interested in spending time with cousins at the park. My girls are older, but it is actually the same. They love to be with their cousins and friends doing simple things.

As much as I let my fear control me - almost to the point of paralysis - I am finally starting to envision and look forward to a life free from being intertwined with an individual capable of what he did to me & to our family. There are better days ahead, and I actually believe that now.

I also need to focus on the settlement, finalizing the divorce, and moving forward. The businesses do make it difficult. I’m sorry you are dealing with all of that.

Also, any decisions made during the marriage were joint decisions - so if my career came second, too bad - joint decision.

It’s extremely rare where states state a fixed 50/50 division. The actual wording tends to be EQUITABLE distribution where a number of factors impact the decision. Like with your above statement… If you two decided that you stay at home or work less for the kids, or if you two decided that you work to help him through law-school or whatever, or if he could work 80 hour weeks because you were at home… ALL these factors could and should lead to you getting +50%.

If your advice is based on what YOUR attorney says… look for another opinion IMHO.
It it’s the mediator… get your own attorney to guide you.

Thank you, Bigger. I did make the decision to change attorneys. I decided that based on a lot of comments from people on this forum. I feel much more comfortable now with my new attorney.

Also, any decisions made during the marriage were joint decisions - so if my career came second, too bad - joint decision.

If you take the above and apply it to this scenario:

H and W have 2 kids and childcare is 1000 per month plus time-restrictions and extra commute.
As is Husband makes 50k and Wife makes 50k, but the H can make 20k extra with overtime. If W cuts her job by half, we can still make 85k and save 12k on child-care plus the commute and gas. For H to do overtime the W takes care of the house, cooks meals, groceries and the kids.
For next 10 years H gets regular raises and advances and contributes to his pension and 401k accordingly. W stays at the part-time job, same role but slower raises. Contributes to her pension and 401k accordingly. Since about 70% of the combined wages are from H, he theoretically pays most of the mortgage, utilities, food…

After 20 years H meets the "love of his life"… Demands D. Wants 70% of everything AND to keep his pension and savings intact. Plus no alimony because the kids are out of the house and W can easily increase her long-time reception work from 50 to 100%.

Do you think the judge will tell W "Well… it was a joint decision that you cut your hours 20 years ago and it’s mathematically correct that you only paid 30% so his demands are fair"

Or do you think the judge will say: "It was a joint decision that one focuses on the children and family while the other provide. That is a well-established pattern with families. W commitment to being home was the key to H being able to work long hours, and that ability is what created the raises and promotions. To me (and the law) it seems that both contributed to creating whatever worth this unit has, and therefore it’s fair that the value is divided equally".
He THEN might decide that instead of cashing out 30% of his retirement the financial equivalent might be that you get 90% of the home-value.