Topic is Sleeping.
Breakingapart (original poster member #74151) posted at 2:51 AM on Monday, March 14th, 2022
Hey. Looking for advice. After dealing with the trauma of infidelity, ex clearly still in MLC ( now legally separated), having been gaslighted etc etc
How do you start dating or even meeting people to potentially date and not be incredibly sensitive and always assume the worst in the words they say??? I feel like I overthink and analyze every f’in word people say to me. Wondering if there is hidden meaning.
I’m mostly meh about ex. Yes there are days he still triggers me for sure. I only communicate via text or email. He only sees my youngest (9) of our four children. The others haven’t visited with him in 2 years. So days when he texts blaming me for that or saying that my short vague texts are passive aggressive and contributing to the kids opinion of him really piss me off!!! I don’t love him anymore, I don’t miss him. I want to meet someone and feel love again. I just feel like I self sabotage….
Sorry for the long post. Honestly any advice will be helpful.
Also do you find yourself seeking out someone older so that hopefully they aren’t in a MLC or going to have one?!?
I haven’t dated since I was 16! I don’t even know where to start. How fast things happen? Etc etc
[This message edited by Breakingapart at 3:08 AM, Monday, March 14th]
EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:57 PM on Monday, March 14th, 2022
How do you start dating or even meeting people to potentially date and not be incredibly sensitive and always assume the worst in the words they say???
I started out with OLD. This worked for me because it let me go at my own speed. IE when it was too much, I would just deactivate my profile for awhile.
As for actually given that person a fair chance, I kept reminding myself they are not my ex nor would I make them pay for it. I kept reminding myself to judge them on what they are doing/saying/showing and not the person(s) prior. It took time but I got there.
For your own sanity, do what you can to minimize contact with your ex. I think I can count on my fingers the number of times I had to email/text him in the past 10+ years. Best thing for me.
Also do you find yourself seeking out someone older
No - I dated based on the person vs the age. There really are nice/honest folks still out there. I know it is hard to believe it when you are healing but there really is. Did I meet some idiots? Sure but that is part of the weeding process.
Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 5:08 PM on Monday, March 14th, 2022
I second what EvenKeel posted, both about minimizing contact (we all lived for centuries without text intrusions!) and about not basing your standards on age. Besides, creeps come in all ages, you know the stereotype dirty old man? I've known of a few....
Breakingapart (original poster member #74151) posted at 12:02 AM on Tuesday, March 15th, 2022
Thanks for your insight. Contact via text or email is for purpose of visiting with my youngest. I keep it to a minimum and often don’t even respond to his texts or do so in a business only type manner. Doesn’t mean his words don’t trigger me! It’s a constant battle to not retaliate or defend myself. I’ve been really too f’in nice.
I’m just at a loss in this dating world. What is expected etc especially with meeting people online.
Maybe it’s just too hard. Easier to just stay alone and focus on my kids. I just miss having a person. A friend. Intimacy.
grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:10 AM on Tuesday, March 15th, 2022
How do you start dating or even meeting people to potentially date and not be incredibly sensitive and always assume the worst in the words they say??? I feel like I overthink and analyze every f’in word people say to me. Wondering if there is hidden meaning.
For now, maybe that's for the best. A good match for you this close in to your betrayal isn't going to be someone who isn't clearly transparent or who gives you any reason to doubt. You'll heal and find your confidence in yourself again, but for now you have a higher standard. I don't see that as all bad
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:04 AM on Wednesday, March 16th, 2022
I haven't dated in over 30 years and not sure I want to. My XWH is a covert narc, so gaslighting was his MO. If you're not sure, then please be sure to take it slow.
ETA: I'm not sure I'm ready, and that's ok.
[This message edited by leafields at 3:05 AM, Wednesday, March 16th]
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
cbgrace1980 ( member #64109) posted at 8:01 PM on Wednesday, March 16th, 2022
It can be very hard to even begin to think about dating. I have been through your situation before and it was not easy. I started with dating apps (free versions) just to figure out how to date again. It's good practice just for talking to people as well. Things move more quickly these days because people are used to more instant gratification. Make sure you are up front with everyone about the speed at which you'd like to take things. Hang in there!
Topic is Sleeping.
