SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello. My exwife invited my son and his girlfriend over for dinner tonight. I live with my son. He’s 16 and this is his first time at her new place. She moved in with a scummy looking guy in January. I told my son if he wants to go he should but it really bothers me that this new guy is getting to spend time with my son. I know I have to be open to it. I think the guy seems sleazy but I’m worried he will be nice and maybe my son will like him. My son has been really frustrated with my soon to be exwife but decided to be nice and go. I’m also concerned she is acting like a mother again to tell her lawyer she is still spending time with our son. She rarely does and has been very selfish for months. It feels awful and I love my son and hate the reality that this guy is part of his life now. Any thoughts?

I think your feelings are completely normal. But you’re right that he Has to work out what his relationship with his mother will be. You’re obviously a caring dad and I don’t think you need to worry about some sleazy guy interfering with the love between you and your son. And as difficult as this is, you’d rather the guy be kind of nice rather than an actual jerk. Or at least be nice to your son. Just hang in there take care of yourself and keep being the great dad that you are. Your son will see you for the great father that you are. And because he’s a teenager you may not always know that he sees that but trust that he will.

My ex had a long string of girlfriends after we split - it took me 5yrs to even introduce anyone to the kids (and no one has EVER lived with us).

I approached it from a modelling point of view:
1. If I was gracious about his girlfriends, then when he inevitably threw a tantrum when I did date I had something in my back pocket to deflect him with (I was nice to your girlfriends, so I expect you to be the same with my boyfriend)
2. I showed my kids how to rise above it and be mature - there was no way I'd ever reconcile with their dad, emotions ran high, but I could hold my head high about my own actions.

Then I fantasize about sending them dog shit packages to keep it all real, but don't act upon it

I'd run a background check on him. If he's going to be around your child,you need to know who he is.

Lonely- your feelings are normal, but if I'm reading this correctly, the new guy is not the AP right? If so, you're basing the new guy on his scummy looks, which isnt all fair. Unless he's the AP, then he's definitely Scummy.

As for your feelings, I think you will have to work it out, and it will take time. I see the AP with my exW and the kids are our kids events. I don't like it one bit, but at the same time, I don't talk or interact with him. He knows he's a loser, even though he think's very highly of himself. He'd never say anything to me, bc I'd shut his shit down quick. He has ED, and has cheated on his wife multiple times and his wife was pregnant when he cheated with my ex. I hold a lot over him. But it still doesn't make it any easier. It take time and eventually you just get more use to it, not necessarily like it, but just used to it.

The other thing is your son is 16. Does he know about your wife cheating? If not, I'd share that with him, and just teach him how to look out after himself. At 16, you have to think he has some maturity and if he's been living with him, that means a heck of a lot more than his mom who abandoned him. That other guy won't replace you. At 16, you got most of his years, I wouldn't worry too much.

Thanks Half Time and others. Yes the guy was her affair partner. I feel he’s scummy because I know he left five kids behind and when he heard my wife and I were having problems he moved in pretty hard and they were together a few months before she admitted. She was sending him selfies the weekend of her stepmom’s funeral, which I attended and flew across the country to be at even after she told me she wasn’t happy in the marriage. She doesn’t feel she cheated because she told me in late April she was unhappy. She said she met this guy in June. After brief counseling which I totally wanted to fix anything and told her I loved her she served me papers in September and told me in December she’d been seeing him since then. I think it was earlier. They were texting and calling for months. My son does know all about it and he’s the one that saw her sending selfies. I feel this guy and her made choices that tore apart our family of four. We have another son. I don’t like that now he’s part of my son’s life. Both kids agree she has been bad to me. My son that met him said he was ok but quiet. He and I have a good relationship so I guess I’ll let it happen but it’s not pleasant. Thanks again.

Quick follow up. At the dinner my son met my stbxw ap and live in boyfriend this classy man made a classy comment. They were playing music through his phone. The music stopped. My ex asked him what happened. This well refined man she is seeing realized the phone was in his pocket. She asked how he could not know his bulky phone was in his pocket. He answered "I’m used to having big things in my pants baby". My son isn’t easily offended and he and his girlfriend laughed a bit at the absurdity of the comment but seriously this is this who she lives with and chooses over me? Wow!

As a child of divorce (and hanging in there myself) I sympathize.

I was reminded of a good School friend of mine. I don’t have the whole story, and I don’t think there was cheating, but his Mum and Dad split when my friend (the oldest child) was about 20. His mother felt she was being oppressed in some abstract way. The father was a truly beloved career high school teacher along the lines of Dead Poets Society.

Mum hooked up with a late 50’s surfer gone to pot who was a total bore. She got rid of him a few years later to everyone’s relief.

Father unfortunately died young from cancer, died 6 months after diagnosis. Mother got everything but was decent enough to give the kids a deposit each for a house in lieu of an inheritance from their father.

On his death some kids set up a Vale Mr X Page. There were hundreds of comments from students spanning decades saying how this man had changed their life.

I bet Mr X was not a perfect husband. None of us are. And you never know everything that goes on between a couple. However the mother herself told me she was still fond of her ex husband. He seems to have been an okay husband. From my point of view he was the best man she was ever likely to have known, she treated him appallingly, made her kids suffer her wanker boyfriend for years, and then got cozy with all the loot. How’s that for finding yourself. All three kids and all of their friends disliked that guy.

The father never remarried and stayed pretty classy to his untimely end.

It was a salutary lesson. People’s capacity to justify selfish behaviour and bad choices is boundless. Mr X deserved better. Mrs X, I could care less. I liked her once, but before all that crap went down.

[This message edited by straightup at 8:44 AM, Monday, March 21st]

Thank you Straightup. I appreciate you sharing that story. My son has now been having dinners at my StBXW house where she lives with the AP. He ended up spending the night there which bugged me. I haven’t talked to him today and don’t know the story but I hate that immediately it’s like this new married couple’s house and this loser guy has my son as a guest.

[This message edited by LonelyHolidays at 10:30 PM, Friday, April 29th]

Yeah, they gotta have your son over so they can convince themselves they aren’t bad people.

I still cringe when my sons go to their Dads and OW now wifetress is there. They don’t spend the night there anymore because of the fighting.

Definitely try to get a background check on the guy. Your son is under 18 so if there’s anything bad on him I think you can keep your son from going there.

I believe your perspective on the guy is legit-a scumbag. Your xw will probably get tired of him, but she’ll prob get with another scumbag. Idk it seems like when they go off the rails, they stay off the rails.

Just keep being yourself and enjoy the time with your sons when they are with you.!

Don't stress too much LonelyHolidays. I can assure you from afar, that that douchenugget has no intention of being your son's father. He won't. That's not his character, he's already abandoned his own kids, he's not going to want to watch after yours.

Just stay the course and continue having a good relationship with your sons. They will rely and still come back to you for everything important. That's what matters.

With that said, what are the details of your other son. Does he not go over there? Or is he aged out and doesnt' want to spend time with the old hag.

Thanks Homewrecked and Halftime. I would love to do a background check. The guy is very hard to find things about online. I haven’t paid for a background check but he has no photos anywhere. I saw one picture of him but even his Facebook is his back. He lived in a town known for drugs and shady stuff. My older son isn’t speaking to my STBXW. He’s in college out of state and is upset with her. I appreciate the advice of keeping close to the kids. They are what matters for sure.

Forget the background check. It's a waste of time, money and your mental health.

Remember when you were Inspector Clouseau during the early days of the affair, searching for evidence that your (now) ex was up to no good? How it consumed you?

Yeah...don't do that.

First of all, your ex is going to have boyfriends, just like YOU are going to have girlfriends. Do you really want to do this with everyone? Are you ok with your ex hiring someone to look in to YOUR girlfriends? No.

Secondly, what are you going to do with said information? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You can't prevent your grown son from going to his mothers just because this guy is in the picture. You can't dictate who your wife sees, dates, lives with so why do you care what this guys background is (not your monkey, not your circus)? You can't go to court with it, so why bother.

This is all part of adapting to the new reality that comes with divorce.

The best you can do is support your son if (when) he has issues with your ex, or her boyfriend(s). If this guy is a danger to him, he'll know it, and you want him comfortable enough to tell you. THAT'S when you can support HIS decision not to go to his mother's house.

Your job now is to support and empower your son to make his own decisions about his (future) relationship with his mother. Not to sway him one way or the other, but to support his decisions - even if you disagree with them.

Thank you. The AP really bothers me and it baffles me she left me for him. I know my kids need to decide for themselves how they’ll relate to their mother. My college aged son finally called her after months of ignoring her. I’m very curious to know what she said to him but probably shouldn’t ask and let him tell me if he wants to. He feels she handled the divorce terribly by lying and cheating and moving in quickly with the AP, giving my sixteen year old son no choice in his relationship with her as far as the AP goes. He either sees her on her terms or doesn’t see her. I think she’s being unbelievably selfish. It’s very frustrating.

LH, I hope you can be chill about it for awhile. It hurts...I know it hurts. My 3 DS really don't want to have anything to do with XWH because he's such an emotional vampire. Your kids will figure it out and you can work through things.

Give yourself time to deal with your emotions through this. It isn't easy and takes time.

Thanks. The kids were both really mad at her for a long time. I can’t deny that it felt good on some level they and everyone in my family feels this was unnecessary. I do want them to have a mom in their lives though. My older son calling her hopefully was good for him. He was having a hard time with her in general and felt she has been shallow and selfish for a long time even unrelated to the divorce. I’ll give it time and I’m sure it will be better for me and my sons.

My ex was terrible, but my kids didn't "see" everything she was doing - I was interference for her (her enabler).

But once I left, they got a front row view of how crazy (literally) and terrible she was (is?).

I tried very hard not to bad mouth her (mostly successful), but the kids quickly (like in a year or two) came to realize that she was toxic and turned to me.

7 years later and I have an amazing relationship with my kids. My ex? Hardly has any contact at all. I think my oldest gets regular (monthly-ish) texts. My other two...maybe once every six months. But that's largely because they have CHOSEN to not engage with her.

I support both - the oldest who has (tries to have) some kind of relationship and the younger two who don't want one. But even the oldest steps away from her for a while every now and then.

It sucks for my ex because she's missing out on some really great young adults who are doing amazing things. But that the consequences of HER choices, not mine.

In this stuff (relationship with your kids), you've got the play the long game. Even if that means losing a few of the opening rounds in the divorce.

(I wouldn't be honest if I denied that there is a part of me that dances with glee when I think about how the kids don't like her and love me...but I'm human)

Thanks. Our exes sound similar in that way. It was my exes choices that are causing strain in her relationship with the kids. Time will tell how they’ll get along in the future but now mine is very into having fun every weekend and usually not including the kids. On one hand my kids are getting older and have friends and lives but she has for years never been satisfied hanging out with the family and staying in once in a while. Now she feels I’m the problem and holding her back. I feel she will never fill her need to have the next fun event or get what she thinks she deserves from life. Ambition in fine but a sense of entitlement is not an attractive quality.