SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You all lift my spirits so much - hearing your stories and your strength.

I am happy to stay that while I am still sad, I am coming into my angry stage quite well. WS has been deliriously happy and cordial the past several days.
Acting like we are one happy family while simultaneously moving things into his new apartment. Making me coffee, asking how I am feeling/how the baby is, telling the kids we will all have "family nights" together once he leaves… he MUST be high on some sh*t. That and feeling euphoric knowing that the end is in sight and he will be free to he with his trashy AP soon. Not gonna lie, I’m keeping my popcorn ready so I can enjoy the show as that relationship crashes and burns.

While he has been putting on a show at being a family man, I have been quietly planning and gathering resources. My attorney appointment is in just over a week, and I have been gathering financial information and other documentation to take with me. I got my hands on WS business taxes and made a copy, so I know EXACTLY how much revenue he makes. We live in at-fault state and his business is considered marital property. He’s going to be in for a rude awakening when he realizes he will have to buy me out for half…

WS cancelled the lease on the apartment in our town and has instead decided to move 40 minutes away. This works in my favor as far as custody arrangements and visitation. I will be contacting the courthouse the second he moves out to get emergency custody paperwork in order. I fully plan on serving him legal separation paperwork immediately following retaining my lawyer. I am done being a doormat.

In other news, I have been in IC for a few weeks now with a trauma specialist and am excited to continue. I also just joined a 12 week support program/group with an infidelity coach that starts today. I am so looking forward to the sense of community and learning how to set and enforce boundaries, determine what I want from my life, and stop people pleasing.

My days are still a roller coaster, but the ups and downs are much less intense. I’m also sure I will only improve once he is actually out of the house in a few days.

Wow!! So proud of you!! I can’t wait to keep up with your story, keep fighting!!

@robinbird
Thank you! He tried pulling the chit chat BS again tonight and I shut that down real fast. He’s going to learn the hard way that I am no longer his best friend and confidant. He lost that access to me when he chose to have an affair and walk out on our family.

Tonight has been emotional for me as he packed and loaded quite a bit to move. It was a lot to process and I had a good cry while he was out of the house with the kids. He decided to stay at the apartment tonight (I think my "attitude" threw him for a loop), which actually has me feeling relieved and like I can relax a bit. I need a break from the emotional roller coaster. Not to mention I’ve been avoiding common areas at home like the plague.

My main goal for the next few weeks (outside of the legal stuff) is to set and start enforcing some hard boundaries. Very little has changed about his life at this point, and I don’t think he will start to process or feel remorse for the damage he has caused until he experiences some natural consequences.

telling the kids we will all have "family nights" together once he leaves…

You need to tell him to stop lying to the kids. That once he moves out he is no longer your family, and you are no longer his. That you and the kids are a family, and he and the kids are a family, but the two of you are not. He's saying all of that so he can still feel like a good guy. It would only confuse the kids,and hurt you. Nope.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:57 AM, Wednesday, April 27th]

@hellfire

That once he moves out he is no longer your family, and you are no longer his. That you and the kids are a family, and he and the kids are a family, but the two of you are not.

The sad thing is, I think he is honestly imagining a life where he has his "family" a few nights a week and single life/AP the others. He even told me tonight that he just wants to be friendly with me and that I am a priority to him. It’s like he is so deep in the fog/delusion that he can’t see the forest for the trees. I’m hoping a few weeks of reality will wake him up a bit…

I totally relate to what you’re saying. My STBXW sends texts lol’ing and acts like everything is cool when we talk. She left my son and I and moved in with her AP and I feel the same way. It’s ridiculous. She asked my weekend plans recently like I’m a coworker. It was an innocent question but I hate how happy she acts about our situation. Sorry to hear that you have the same.

[This message edited by LonelyHolidays at 3:17 AM, Wednesday, April 27th]

It’s absolutely incredible how similar all our WSs act. How do you guys think of anything else? My future is so uncertain right now, money wise, where I will live etc so it’s hard for me to imagine a future. I feel stuck being sad and thinking about this 24/7. I’m just so devastated, it’s so painful.

[This message edited by robinbird12 at 4:37 AM, Wednesday, April 27th]

Robinbird12, consult with an attorney. Your children (and probably also you) are entitled to financial support from your ex. You are not helpless, you just have to take the steps like scaredmama321 is doing. I say this from experience.

Scaredmama321, one supportive book I strongly recommend you read is Cheating in a Nutshell by Tamara and Wayne Mitchell. It will help you through this process and to get over to the other side of freedom from fear and pain.

Do not expect anything good from your fWH. He's sacrificed you and the kids to create a new life for himself. He won't come back, and even if he tried, you shouldn't let someone who abused you return to do it again someday.

[This message edited by morningglory at 6:07 AM, Wednesday, April 27th]

I do think of it all the time too. Financially and emotionally it’s very stressful. She seems so happy it really bothers me. We were living together still but she had moved into another room. We were spending time together often and I remember one night being at a bar with friends and her. She was bobbing her head and dancing to the music while I felt gutted and wanted to cry. She was probably already cheating. I’m overly sensitive but it still feels bad and it’s been a few months. I will say for me I am just becoming numb to it but it sucks. Sorry its consuming your thoughts. It’s hard but try your best to distract yourself even a little at a time. Read or do something small to briefly get your mind off of it.

[This message edited by LonelyHolidays at 6:10 AM, Wednesday, April 27th]

He even told me tonight that he just wants to be friendly with me and that I am a priority to him.

What did you say to that? I hope it was something like, "with friends like you, who needs enemies" or "I'd rather make friends a scorpion. At least you know what you're getting".

This guy has cheated on you and abandoned you, leaving you pregnant with small children. That makes him a total jerk in terms of empathy for other people, let alone for the woman he married and VOWED to love and cherish forever. I can't even imagine how a conversation like that takes place or WHY he feels so welcome to barf up emotional hairballs like that one. You're a "priority" to him??? Really? Then how come he's STILL cheating on you and moving out? Are you hoping that if you're nice enough or understanding enough that he's going to come back?... that he'll change and become trustworthy somehow? You do see that in the grand scheme of things, what he has done to you is pretty damned awful, right?... that he doesn't deserve any further love or devotion from you because he's a horrible, toxic person? You deserve so much better than this. I think that somehow you aren't seeing that.

ETA: Just wanted to add that this "I-wanna-be-your-friend" thing isn't special. We see it in cheaters all the time. It's impression management. The cheater wants to be able to tell all and sundry that "things just didn't work out", "we drifted apart","we're still really good friends" because he doesn't want to have to tell people the truth, that he cheated, that he devastated his wife, that he threw away his family dynamic. If he can convince other people that you're still friends, he can convince himself, and then he doesn't have to feel so bad because "it's all for the best" and "everyone is much better off now". It's hooey. The guy is demonstrably NOT YOUR FRIEND.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:18 AM, Wednesday, April 27th]

I think he just wants you as a backup plan in case things don’t work out with the hot mess AP. He likes the idea of a safe landing pad when things inevitably go sideways. He wants the rainbows and unicorn AP without totally abandoning his comfortable life.

I’m sorry if that sounded harsh. I think as long as you remain friendly with him he will comfortably remain in his cheater fog.

ChamomileTea
Everything you are saying is so SO true. Even my own WH said to me, "how can you love me after everything I have done?". AHHH ATTACHMENT. It's so hard for the heart to understand what the brain knows. And the heart is more convincing than the brain... I need to read this stuff over and over and over. Everytime it sinks in another milimeter. The only cure is NO CONTACT.

Scared Mama - Once your WH moves out the Hopium will start to fade, which will be painful. But then you can go low contact (kids only). I just set up the phone for video chats leaning it against a wall and the kids do whatever. If they hang up on WH or leave the room it's not my problem. I'd like to say I'm great at NC but I ususally make it 2 weeks before I crack and beg WH to come again. I'm on day 4 now...... I really really think I get it now. It's over. He's not coming back. Even though my kids are suffering and my son drew a family portrait at school and I want to show it to me WH- "how can you throw this away???" - Mb brain knows he won't care, even if my heart can't believe that.

How long do you have before he moves out? I really think it will help you so much.

morningglory
I have a great lawyer, my WH has a week to submit financials and if he doesn't I file for divorce and we supeona them. I'm entitled to a lot of money, but my ex owns businesses and tells me he's divorce proofed all the assets and "has no income". So let's see. I have no idea what is going to happen. On top of that, we are an international couple and I want to take the kids to my home country. He doesn't want the kids but he will use them against me I am sure.

There may be hard consequences to these lying cheating jerks.

Bit for so many there is no remorse.

Be prepared the cheater never has any remorse for what they did- destroying a family and just walking out.

It’s absolutely incredible how similar all our WSs act.

They are definitely operating from the same playbook. "Embracing Your Inner Asshole: How to Destroy Your Spouse and Your Family While Getting Off"

Do not expect anything good from your fWH. He's sacrificed you and the kids to create a new life for himself. He won't come back, and even if he tried, you shouldn't let someone who abused you return to do it again someday.

I’m definitely not expecting anything from him at this point. After two months of hopium and playing the pick me dance, reality has definitely started to set in. I keep reminding myself that the husband I knew/loved is gone. And if I were to meet WS as a single person now I would want nothing to do with him based on current character.

She seems so happy it really bothers me.

@lonelyholidays I am so sorry you are going through this. WW does not deserve you or your son. From the perspective of a child of a parent who left, I can guarantee you that your son is aware of her character and the kind of person he is. And it will affect their relationship forever. As a daughter, I made peace with my dad’s character very early into my adulthood. He, however, suffers from regret over his lack of involvement to this day. I can’t count how many times he has apologized over the years. As for her happiness, karma has a way of catching up to us all. She might seem happy now, but it will be short lived and small in the scheme of the devastation she has created.

What did you say to that? I hope it was something like, "with friends like you, who needs enemies" or "I'd rather make friends a scorpion. At least you know what you're getting".

Oh I WISH I would’ve thought to say one of these. Hindsight! I just looked at him and walked away. I did tell him that being friends is not an option at this point. I wouldn’t wish this type of "friendship" on my worst enemy…

I definitely think he is trying to keep up appearances. We live in a small town where he has established a reputation in the community. He doesn’t want to lose that. I’m also sure that factored into his decision to move 40 minutes away… he knows people in town wouldn’t react well to seeing him carrying on with AP while I am pregnant and cleaning up all of the wreckage he left the kids and I.

I am no longer holding out for him to change his mind or praying for a "miracle." He wouldn’t deserve to come back as the person he is now. I do hope for his own sake and that of my kids that he is able to eventually take a hard look at himself and put in the work. Only time will tell.

Thanks Scraredmama321. I’m sorry you are going through this as well. I’m glad my relationship with my sons is strong and hopefully karma does catch up in some way to the ex. I won’t worry about that though.

ETA: Just wanted to add that this "I-wanna-be-your-friend" thing isn't special. We see it in cheaters all the time. It's impression management. The cheater wants to be able to tell all and sundry that "things just didn't work out", "we drifted apart","we're still really good friends" because he doesn't want to have to tell people the truth, that he cheated, that he devastated his wife, that he threw away his family dynamic. If he can convince other people that you're still friends, he can convince himself, and then he doesn't have to feel so bad because "it's all for the best" and "everyone is much better off now". It's hooey. The guy is demonstrably NOT YOUR FRIEND.

CT said something very similar to me when I was getting ready to separate and holding on to the "let's be friends" bullshit my xwh was barfing up. And you know what? She was 100% correct. Because my friends don't hurt me. Or abandon me. Or manipulate me. Or use me. Or act like douchebags to me and expect me to be okay with it. My friends are loving and supportive and honest and treat me with respect and they honor the bond we share with each other.

I was lucky in that I did not have kids with my x, so I was able to delete and block his ass. Best choice I ever made because I don't know or care what he's up to or who he's using now. You will still have to have doings with yours because of your kiddos, but do everything in your power to severely limit your interactions with him. Cus this dewd ain't your friend. Not even close.

You're doing great so far - just hang in there. Once you get over the initial shock I think your life will be sweeter and better than you can even fathom right now.