SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks, Chamomile. That was an interesting read and it feels validating. He’s not emotionally healthy. I know that. I think it’s going to take time to stop blaming myself. He didn’t have the balls to end it with me or give me an ultimatum, or tell me how he was feeling. He made a lot of assumptions and never actually talked to me to find out if they were right. He acted, based on his assumptions, and fucked everything up. He assumed I wasn’t interested in working on things and I was checked out of our marriage. Both of those things are untrue. If he would have had the balls to tell me how he was feeling, I wouldn’t even be here. Instead, he decided he had nothing to lose and had an affair.

When he actually did talk to me about our relationship (a week before d-day), he was surprised that my reaction was devastation and sadness. I immediately started doing my part to work on things. At that point, he had started his affair, and when he found out that I indeed still loved him and wanted to be with him, he realized how much he fucked up and his assumptions were wrong. He actually had a lot to lose. A week later, he said he couldn’t lie to me, and we had d-day. Now here we are. On top of the problems we already had (serious communication issues), now we have an affair to add to the mix.

Well that’s too much for him to deal with. So, he just pushes me away because being with me reminds him that he did something really shitty, even if we’re not conversing about the shitty things he has done. Well, AP is shiny and sparkly and doesn’t make him feel his feelings. Yay, she’s the best.

Meanwhile, he gives zero fucks about my feelings, because it’s too painful for him. Boofuckinghoo.

How fucking selfish can someone be?

My apologies, this got really long. Writing this was cathartic.

[This message edited by LostandBroken900 at 1:39 AM, Friday, May 20th]

He didn’t have the balls to end it with me or give me an ultimatum, or tell me how he was feeling. He made a lot of assumptions and never actually talked to me to find out if they were right. He acted, based on his assumptions, and fucked everything up. He assumed I wasn’t interested in working on things and I was checked out of our marriage. Both of those things are untrue. If he would have had the balls to tell me how he was feeling, I wouldn’t even be here. Instead, he decided he had nothing to lose and had an affair.

'

You're taking him at his word that he was having all these feelings. Why do you believe him? If he was operating under the delusion that you didn't love him or whatever, doesn't it stand to reason that he would have come rushing back the moment that the disinformation was cleared up? I think perhaps it's a handy rationalization, something to say which shifts the blame a little and makes him sound a little less like a rat-bastard weasel. I think it's more likely that he saw an opportunity to get some strange or whatever and took it, nothing deeper or more meaningful than that. Otherwise, he WOULD have said something. Otherwise, he would have fixed this.

His actions (putting air in your tires and giving you a mother's day card) are about HIM. If they were about you, he'd be with you. He just wants to feel better about himself and if he can smooth things over, then hey.. he's not that bad, right?

I think perhaps it's a handy rationalization, something to say which shifts the blame a little and makes him sound a little less like a rat-bastard weasel.

Rat-bastard weasel. That’s perfect!

His actions (putting air in your tires and giving you a mother's day card) are about HIM. If they were about you, he'd be with you. He just wants to feel better about himself and if he can smooth things over, then hey.. he's not that bad, right?

So, he’s placating me. If if were about me, he’d be with me…this is true, and it hurts my heart. He’s not with me. He’s probably with her.

So, he’s placating me. If if were about me, he’d be with me…this is true, and it hurts my heart. He’s not with me. He’s probably with her.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but I do think he's most likely keeping you sweet in order to a)get an easier divorce, and b)continue enjoying the geocentrism that is cake. The evidence is that he could have worked through this with you but hasn't.

He’s on his way home to mow the lawn and visit the dogs. I can’t be around him so I’m at a coffee shop. I can’t talk to him or be around him. I just get sucked in and then get hurt. He’s like a drug.

I hate this.

Edit: This is harder than I thought it would be. Fuck.

[This message edited by LostandBroken900 at 11:18 PM, Tuesday, May 24th]

Good call getting out of the house.
NC is soooo good tho— it really helps.

Are you in IC? Who do you have IRL to talk to? This stuff is hard— get as much support as you can.

(((Hugs)))

He sucks and you're going to be ok!
With that out of the way, please stop the "what ifs." His actions are on him. Period. What he was doing was eating cake. He enjoyed the ego kibble of two women vying for his attention.
I promise, it gets better. One day, you will look back and see him clearly for who he is. You will also smack your head wondering why in the hell you were in live with "that" guy. Seriously. A dear friend from SI told me this once and she was right. It took me about a year to see it clearly. I have zero animosity anymore for Shrek, and I thank God every day that my ex is now my ex. The trash took itself out for me, and your trash is doing the same.

That shows strength to be gone when he came to the house. No contact is the best way to go.

Thank you all. I’m starting to go through and separate our stuff. We have so much. I have so many vacation souvenirs, coffee mugs, drinking glasses. I bought them so we’d be able to fondly think about the good times. Now wtf am I supposed to do with this stuff?

This is so hard. I keep finding things that trigger me and burst into tears. This was never supposed to happen. We were supposed to be together forever. We took vows. I took them seriously. Why the f*** did he even marry me if he wasn’t going to take them seriously?

I was looking at houses on the market near me in my price range, and it just made me sad. I never expected to have to live alone again. I feel like I should be in my 20s, just out of college, not 40 and married for 10 years. We lived in a little starter home before our current home. Now I have to go backwards because my STBX is a jerkoff? I don’t want to start again. I already did that. I’m not supposed to have to do it again. The thought of moving somewhere else and him not moving with me is too much to stand right now.

The thought of him looking at houses and moving in with AP is even worse. Note: I don’t know if that’s going to happen, but I assume it will, because they are just sooo in love.

Cheaters are such self-centered assholes. He’s in such a fog with AP that he doesn’t even care that that our life is unraveling.

[This message edited by LostandBroken900 at 7:44 PM, Wednesday, May 25th]

I promise, it gets better. One day, you will look back and see him clearly for who he is. You will also smack your head wondering why in the hell you were in live with "that" guy. Seriously. A dear friend from SI told me this once and she was right. It took me about a year to see it clearly. I have zero animosity anymore for Shrek, and I thank God every day that my ex is now my ex. The trash took itself out for me, and your trash is doing the same.

Thank you, I look forward to it getting better. I hope I can see him clearly some day. I think right now I’d prefer Shrek over my STBX. At least he’s sweet and thoughtful.

This sucks. It just sucks.

I thought he was lying to AP also? Does that mean she took him back? Wish her luck with that lol

Of course he chose her bc she’s willing to gloss over his bullshit to keep him. You aren’t. I know it certainly doesn’t feel like it now, but you got the better end of the deal in that regard.

Oh yes, he was lying to her too. Then he went to her house to talk, and they had sex, but they both made sure to tell me that they stopped in the middle and didn’t finish. I guess I’m supposed to be appreciative? She didn’t know if she was going to take him back; she was confused. I told her there should be no question; he’s married. Then I went to bed. I’m assuming she took him back. I haven’t asked. I don’t want to know. I did ask WH what he said that confused her, and he said it was because he wants to take things really slow. I haven’t heard from either of them since. I think AP wants a relationship and WH wants sex. Who knows? Liars lie.

[This message edited by LostandBroken900 at 2:56 PM, Thursday, May 26th]

So basically he's doing the same thing to her that he's done to you. Going to her all contrite and apologetic, getting her hopes up in things working out. Can't really give him any points on originality, that's for sure.

No more asking him what he said or she said, and no more responding when they try to engage with you unless it has to do with the separation. No contact's your best friend.

So basically he's doing the same thing to her that he's done to you. Going to her all contrite and apologetic, getting her hopes up in things working out. Can't really give him any points on originality, that's for sure.
No more asking him what he said or she said, and no more responding when they try to engage with you unless it has to do with the separation. No contact's your best friend.

Yep! He’s doing the same thing to her. Can’t say he’s ever been one for originality.

I’ve definitely gone no contact with both of them. I have to talk to him in order to get our stuff separated and get our house ready to sell, but that’s all our conversations will be about. If she sends me any messages, better to gray rock or ignore them?

Ignore her for sure. At this point, nothing she says can be beneficial for you. Unless she says something incriminating about him, then you can probably screenshot it or document it. But don't give her any headspace by responding.

Shrek is tye pet name i gave his AP all those years ago. But if you want her

You can't blame yourself for his actions. Difficult place for sure, but he is making his own decisions.

That's rough. Never easy being cheated on.