SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello..

I dont know how this works and what to expect but.. Yeah
Oh and im sorry if there are any typing mistakes, english is not my first language.

I just wanted to say that I met this person when I was 18 years old. I am now 24,soon turning 25. He is now 28 years old. He is my first love and first boyfriend. He was my first everything. So when we first got together he told me that in his previous relationship it was very toxic and bad. She cheated on him and he cheated on her. I didn't know what to expect when he told me, but I know I am a sweet and kind girl so I told him that the past doesn't need to define him as long as he doesnt make the same mistanke again with me. I like to believe that people deserve a second chance because I really saw the good in him.

Fast forward 2 years in to the relationship, it was ups and downs and we also broke up for maybe 2 months. But while we were broken up, we acted like we were a couple but he was very on guard when we was in public. Like not holding my hand, not showing me the same affection when we was at home. So I thought that we were not broken up, since he told me how much he cared for me. One night he was clubbing with some friends and called me in the middle of the night and asked if I can pick him up. I was so tired and told him no, but I could send him some money so he could take a taxi. The next morning I woke up and made some breakfast so I could suprise him with some food and drive him to work. I was standing outside his apartment and called him on his phone and I heard the ringetone since the Window to his bedroom was open. But he cancelled the call two times. I was like, okay? So I just opened the Window more and saw him and a girl laying in bed, both half naked. And i screamed and yeah.. Freaked out about what the hell this was. He opened the door for me and was completely shocked to see me and was wondering what I was doing there. I told him that I wanted to suprise him and drive him to work. The side girl left angrily because she didnt know anything so I dont blame her. We had a huge fight, i cried so hard and punched him in the face at the same time. After I calmed down, he told me that nothing happened. I didnt believe him at first but then he said that nothing I say will change your mind so I cant say anything. I said that if you promise me that absolutley nothing ever happened I will believe. And boy did he tell me that. As stupid as I was, i believed him. I drove him to work and he apologied to me and told me how much he loved me. I dont know what it was inside me but I was so clear in my head and heart and forgave him and after that day I didnt have a single day of trustissue with him. Because he told me the truth all the time... Or so I thought.

Fast forward again 2 years. We have now been together for four years. He could be the sweetest and most reassuring man when he wanted but also the coldest and act like he dont care. He knows me so so well and knows exactly what to say and when to say. This time had developed the habit to apologies alot and for almost everything and for stuff that wasnt even my fault. For example, I could be telling him my feelings about something im unsure about in the relationship and sometimes he managed to twist things around and make it my fault again or tell me Im overreacting or its all in my head. At some point I started to think that yeah its just me, im Just overly jealous or emotional. Around New years eve,I had a childhood friend Who texted me randomly(we havent spoken in several years). She told me that he had cheated on me with her friend on a dating app and they have been sending nudes and doing all kinds of stuff. She was also at his apartment and yeah.. I didnt believe her at first but she told me that she was going to get me evidence. So I was like okay, im not going to freak out and wanted to hear his story first. So we celebrated New years eve with my family and a day after I confronted him and he denied all the nudes and texting between them. He told me he met her via his friends and they was just friends and was just hanging out. I was like okay..I didnt like it and told him that its not acceptable and for me hearing it from someone I dont talk to anymore. He was understanding and said that he wont do it again.
Well, one week after I woke up to a whole book in my messages on instagram. The girl he was just hanging out with texted me and she yeah told me a whole different story and told me they had sex and everything but she didnt see any girl clothes before the next morning and thats when she told my childhood friends. She sent me a whole video of the text and nudes he have been sending to me AND also her. I was so furious and heart broken. I couldnt even belive my eyes, it felt like my hole body was on fire.
I stormed out of the room and showed him the text and videos. He immediately started crying and saying that he was sorry and that It will never happen again. I was so mad and told him that its over. He dropped to his knees and just begged me for another chance. I was so so torn.. I love this boy so much. With every bone and cells in my body I love him. So I gave him a last chance.. We talked about it alot, I tested him alot to see if he would change his story. I tried everything I could think of, but he was being so sweet to me, saying such caring words and just being there for me everytime I needed it. Even when I didnt need anything or anyone he was always there. He was being just.. Amazing to me.

Last year in december 2021 we got engaged. I was over the moon. I had no trustissue or anything, it was just me and him against the world. He is so wonderful and sweet. Everything I wanted I got and everything I dreamed of I was going to get it. We were looking to but a house togethere so we could move in and start our family.
I was begnning to plan the wedding just slightly since we wanted to get married within a year.

5 months after we got engaged I noticed he behaved sometimes different. He was ALWAYS taking his phone with him everywhere he went. To the kitchen, bathroom, in the closet. He always turned away from me when he was texting and scrolling on his phone. Whenever I came near him he would always shut his phone so I couldnt see what he was doing. When I asked he always told me that it was his bestfriend or his family. He knew very well what to say so I didnt have to worry. When it started I always had a gut feeling, like I knew he was hiding something but I also wasnt sure.. I dont want to seem like a crazy controllig fiance. Everytime i tried to talk to him about it, he always says its family or that its all in my head and that I have nothing to worry about...

Well.. It didnt go that way. About two, soon three weeks ago he told me that he needed to talk to me about something important. I was like either someone died or someone is pregnant. In this case, I rather pick the first choice.
He told me that he slept with hos coworker 5 months ago and it happened more than Once. She is now potentially expecting his Child..he doesnt 100% know that if its his since she is kind of a.. Yeah hoe. I wouldnt blame her if I didnt know this woman, but I do. I dont know her personally, but we have met alot when I visited him at work and they worked together and she knew that we were togethere and that we were engaged. She knew what she was doing, since she was crushing on him like crazy. To point out, this is a 40 year old woman. And she "trapped" him by not wearing any protection and she got pregnant on purpose to have some kind of a connection to him.

When he told me this, I couldnt believe my eyes or ears. I felt like my whole world just fell apart and someone just ripped my heart out. It hurts so so much. I have never felt this kind of pain and sorrow before and its killing me. I was going to suprise him on his birthday that I was ready to drop the birth control so we could get a head start on the baby making. Little did I know that he is already expecting a child with someone other than me. I felt so disgusted, dirty and used. He cried and told me that she meant nothing to him, that he regrets the whole thing and wish he could take the time and turn it the other way. He said that he wasnt thinking and he knows he fucked up real bad. He told me that I dont deserve someone like him, that he wouldnt allow me to take him back even if I wanted to. He lied to me for months and he said that he was afraid to tell me for many reasons, one of them was that I was depressed for a couple of months and Unfortunaly began to self harm. I know that its not the way and I am better than that. I just remembered that he had a history of selfharm before he met me and I was very curious of why people do it. He told me that for him it was like being able to breath again and to focus on something different. Thats why I did it, but I only did it Once cus I told him after I did it and made a promise to him to never do it again. And I never brake my promises.
Last night I went to his house and it was the first time in two weeks I hadnt seen him cus I was giving him his stuff back and getting mine. So we ended up talking and joking around as usual, just laughing. It felt so good to laugh again and smile. It was like for a moment, nothing had change. It was just us two again. It feels so right to lay in his arms and just hold him. It just feels so right. He tells me that it feels right for him and that laying beside eachother.. We feel complete.
Again he told me that he was so sorry for hurtig me, that he didnt see this happen and that he will always love me no matter what. I was his first normal sweet girlfriend and his first fiance. He was my first everything.
He kept saying that I deserve someone Who will not hurt me the way he had and that I deserve more in life than this. It hurts so much to hear it from him cus he was my world, I felt at home and peace with him.
We both were holding eachother for dear life and just crying our hearts out.

This morning I woke up and we talked a little about normal stuff and suddenly he said that this between us feels so right and that he isnt ready to let me go. He told me that to give him a chance so we can try and fix it and him building his trust for me and my family. He said that he got nothing more to lose, he lost everything and have nothing left. His parents are mad and wont talk to him. Neither his friends and he said that he cant imagine a life without me. He told me that I dont have to answer him rightaway, but I can think about it.. I feel so devestated. My heart is telling me to run back into his arms and say that is all going to be alright, but my head is saying that he already cheated on me not once or twice, but three times and the last one was the worst. He was intimate with another person, not long after we were engaged and is expecting a Child that may or may not be his. I can not see myself loving the Child and being in a relationship with him.. I feel so disgusted but I love him so much and I feel like im never going to feel this type of love again and that I never will find someone Who knows everything about me and still love me the way I am. And I feel like have a clock on me that I need to have children soon so im not late in case it will de difficult to have children.. I dont know what to do or not..I cant eat or sleep or be around my family.. I have so many emotions and thoughts and im so exhausted..

So yeah.. Thats my story.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and yeah just thank you...

RUN! You are being manipulated by someone who likes to play mind games. He is cheating on you. He will always cheat on any girlfriend he has. His huge red flag is that he cheated on his other girlfriend.

Please believe me….people like this never change.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 11:38 PM, Friday, September 16th]

My friend was in the SAME relationship.

25+ years later and kids - she divorced him. Did he make it easy? No. She spent hundreds of thousands of $ on D attorneys. He was a serial cheater. Top college degree but refused to work. Liar beyond liar. Manipulated her into almost having a nervous breakdown.

You think this guy is special? He’s not. He treats you poorly b/c he knows he can.

RUN. Run far. Run fast. Get the hell out. You have proof he’s cheated and lied.

Trust me he’s not marriage material.

I didnt expect someone answering so quickly..
He is telling me non stop that he can not see a future without me and that he cannot do this again. He already screwed up so bad. He is making all of these promise, saying we could go to theraphy together and he will do everything in his power to be the man I deserve. And I feel so stupid cus my heart stills believe him and want nothing more than to be with him. But my head is telling me to get a grip.
Im Just thinking that what if the next gf he gets and he does everything right...and i didnt give him one more chance..this is so hard and i dont deserve to feel this way

Just break up.

There is no salvaging this and literally no
practical reason to try to salvage this.

Get counseling so you don't drag this shitty baggage into your next relationship though.

Dating is the time where we get to know one another before making life commitments so that we can do our best to make sure we've selected someone whose values are compatible with our own. This guy has failed utterly from almost the very beginning. Right now, you're still very young with lots of life still in front of you, and yeah, your emotions are all very imperative right now. You feel invested and he's putting lots of pressure on you to forgive him and move on.

Here's the thing though... you DO have time. If he's the right guy for you, he's not going anywhere. There's no reason why you can't pump the brakes, step back, and see what (if anything) this guy is willing to do in order to become a decent human being. He says, "let's go to therapy" but you are not at ANY obligation to go with him. He's the one who needs to figure himself out and why he lies and casually betrays the way he does, why his word is NOT his bond. That's not on you. Relationships don't cheat. People do.

Right now he can't even tell you whether or not he's going to have a LIFELONG responsibility to another woman's child. I'm sure it would be very nice for him if you signed on to split expenses in perpetuity, but how much of YOUR paycheck are you willing to part with in order to subsidize his other family?

You are still very young. You've got lots of time for children of your own. Heck, with the advances in modern medicine, women are having babies in their forties. But if you are determined to have them now, spend time reading the separation/divorce forum. You'd be better off going to a sperm bank than having a child with a partner you can't trust. An unreformed cheater might be very charming and self-deprecating when he's trying to get you to take him back. Not so much though when he's having to pay child support and doesn't have control over you anymore.

You have TIME. Take it. Step back from any further commitment and watch him. Don't listen to his words, observe his actions. Does he get therapy? Does he go for STD testing? Does he keep you informed? Wait to find out if that OW's child is his or not. See how you feel about it. If he's Mr. Right, he'll be proving it by keeping his nose clean and earning new trust with you. And if he's Mr. Wrong, you won't be so enmeshed that you can't cut bait and move on.

You're going to be okay. Intimate betrayal sucks, no two ways about it. But you DO still have plenty of time to plan your life the way you want it. Don't cheat yourself by rushing.

((hugs))

Just as bad as the cheating is the awful way he treats you in public.

I don’t know what is wrong with him but something is.

You do not need couples counseling. He needs years of it just to maybe, possibly, begin to understand what he is but I think that is a pipe dream.

He has only ever confessed after you caught him with solid proof, so it is likely you haven't caught him every time he's cheated. There have likely been other women you never found put about.

Either way, each time you catch him, he sells his betrayal as a "mistake." These are so clearly not mistakes. All of this cheating with all of these women add up to a lifestyle.

He cheats as a lifestyle. He makes many choices to cheat and keep cheating and to keep hiding it from you until you have proof and catch him.

You watched him protect his phone for a long time. In all of that time--even when you questioned him--he chose to keep up the cheating and let you believe his lies.

This is what you know:
He cheated on his past girlfriend

He has cheated on you and lied many, many times

He played around with someone enough to possibly get her pregnant. (She didn't "trap" him. He fully participated; he just doesn't like the outcome he may have to face for his choices and actions.)

He's happy enough when he's cheating on you. He only cries and pleads and apologizes after you catch him. He's sorry he got caught.

*****

Consider that you may be having trouble leaving him because you got together when you were so young, so you're comfortable with him and maybe a little scared that you won't feel like this with someone else. But you really can feel like this again with someone else...and SO MUCH BETTER. Because you can find someone who treats you right, who doesn't betray your trust. You deserve that. You know you do.

If you had a close girlfriend in your situation, you know you'd be advising her to break it off for good, to stop having any contact with him (so she won't listen to any more hollow apologies and crying about how he's now a victim because everyone is mad at him and he can't go on without this girl he keeps cheating on).

You would tell your friend to stay away from him and stay strong. To heal and to be gentle with herself.

Be your own friend here. You know you deserve so much more.

In time, you'll look back at leaving this man as one of the best choices you ever made.

He kept saying that I deserve someone Who will not hurt me the way he had and that I deserve more in life than this.

That's just about the only truth he has told you. He knows how to manipulate you into believing that because he knowing how much it hurts you, he won't do it again. But he will, because that's who he is. His current lover didn't "trap" him, he slept (and probably is still doing so) with her because she was available and he knew he could have her.

Im Just thinking that what if the next gf he gets and he does everything right...and i didnt give him one more chance.

If by right you mean he won't cheat, that's not going to happen. He'll keep cheating and promising the next one the same things he already promised you.

Now that you have given him his stuff back, stay away from him. You may want to find a counselor to help you plan how to get what you really want in life and get on the track to meeting someone who wants the same things.

Let’s play what if.

What if you stay with him and he doesn’t really change.

What if you stay with him and this other woman comes after him for child support.

What if you stay with him and he starts cheating again. But now you have kids and a home and a mortgage. And he’s paying child support for the first kid.

Hmmm…..what if? What if you decide you deserve better and move on because he’s NEVER going to sustain any long term change without serious professional counseling. What if you don’t know it now but your life turns out for best.

Get some counseling for yourself. It will be the best thing you’ve done.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:25 AM, Saturday, September 17th]

MssSunshine,

My H was my first everything. We met while I was completing my degree. We were together for a couple of years before we got married. We struggled to have children and during that time he cheated on me. This was nearly a decade after we met. The devastation of my first love/my life partner doing that to me killed me inside. I know how it is when your first love and everything cheats on you. Being Heart broken is an understatement. I did reconcile with my H after months of seperation. Its only because we both saw a future together and we both were willing to put in the effort to make a life for ourselves. We had a child and now is expecting our second child. I wouldnt say im back to my normal self I was before he cheated because Im not. I always believed that infidelity was a deal breaker for me. I did give him the one and only chance and he has kept good on everything. He still does everything and shows me the love I deserve. Im I glad I gave him the one chance...Yes. Will i forget what he did....No. Even after nearly 2 children later I havent completely healed. I know its because I have never felt this kind of 'heart break' before. Ive never felt any kind of brokenness before including death of close family. The trauma I felt was real for me and it felt like 'hell'. If my H ever betrayed me again I will not be with him. I will be strong enough to leave him. The one 'good' thing that has come out of all this is that I am much much stronger. I am not that sweet innocent young girl I once was. If he ever did cheat on me I will kick him to the kerb and make sure he loses everything. He will be thrown in the streets like the stray dogs. I will not stand for any of it.
Thats my story.

You deserve someone so much better than the cold hearted selfish pig of a fiance you have. Unfortunately he is a serial cheater and its true people like that will never change. Its happened to my close friends who now are divorced and single parents. He clearly is 'broken' inside and you will NOT be able to 'fix' him. He has most likely cheated on at every opportunity he found and you will never know. He will continue to cheat on you. Yes people like that have a certain charisma about them that you find funny and loveable. How do you think he manages to lure these women. Its not that they trap him. He clearly is the instigator. Youre young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Take a break from him. Cut all communications and open your eyes to the amazing people around you. He is not amazing. He is the worst kind of person you can be with. A serial cheater will always look for a 'quick fix'. Sex with random people is what keeps them going day in day out. I gurantee he has also been cheating with many other woman all the while getting the 40 year old pregnant. He does not love you nor does he care for you. Yes he may show it but if you love and care for someone deeply you will not hurt them. Thats what I believe anyway. I agree with everyone above. You need to RUN and hide away from this awful person. He is manipulating you and making a 'fool' out of you.

Now that youve had your heart break start by healing yourself without him in your life and go and find someone who will love you and treat you with respect. You deserve so much better. Dont keep being the 'fool'. Be kind to yourself.

Ms Sunshine,

My heart goes out to you and I'm sorry you are going through this madness.

Please know this: a wedding ring will not stop his behavior. He is a master manipulator and a serial cheater, neither of which can be fixed quickly or easily, if at all.

I hope you think very hard about the pain you will likely endure if you seek a future with this guy. You should rid yourself of him now before you are entangled in marriage with him, which complicates it exponentially.

Best wishes and good luck to you!

Maybe this is for the best. I just got accepted to go in to therapy, maybe it will help me with my issues and move on.

My bestfriend told me two days ago that she adviced me not to go back to him but also said that she feels that its not the end of our "love story". Her older sister went through with her man cheating on her and they are still happyily together. She said that alot of couple can handle it if they work at the issues and they will get out on the other side stronger than ever. Thats what I want.. But I dont think I can handle being hurt the same way I was or being treated like this. I am already questioning my sanity and always thinking if it was something I did or didnt do. Sometimes I think that maybe it was me, other times when im so mad I think that this is not my fault and I will not stand here like an idiot.

I recently found out that someone he is very close to called me and told me the whole story he didnt tell me.. She told me every little detail about everything and what she knew and other people who doesnt know me knew about this. She told me that theres alot of people in the city I live in who knows about this story and apperently knows every other detail about this and I was kind of the last person to know about this. And I live in a big city so.. I feel so humiliated about everything and incredible dumb. And even after all of this, I still love him. I dont even hate him. I think that he needs to work out his issues and build a better life for him, but I still love him. I dont know why I cant just hate him like my friends do. I always thought that when I got the ring on my finger all of the what ifs would disappear but yeah.. Its proves nothing I guess.

I have a very close relationship to his parents and siblings. They are like my second family. His mother told me that I need to leave him, get better and find someone who wouldnt hurt me like he did. And that I should still visit them like I always do and they will make sure that my fiance or ex fiance isnt there. They havent spoken to him in almost three weeks because of this.

I will try to not answer when he calls or text me or fall for his words again. Maybe I can move on after that..

[This message edited by MssSunshine at 10:49 AM, Saturday, September 17th]

RUN!!!!
Run away now as fast as you can and don’t even look behind.
Run before you have a child with this person.
Run before you fall for his fake tears.
Run before your sympathetic nature makes you forgive.
Run before you waste more precious time on him.
Run.

His mother told me that I need to leave him, get better and find someone who wouldnt hurt me like he did. And that I should still visit them like I always do and they will make sure that my fiance or ex fiance isnt there.

This says it all. His OWN MOTHER is telling you to leave him.

This is probably the most impactful / important person you should listen to.

Hey MSunshine.

How are you doing? Please check in if you can.

Hello

I appriciate you checking in. Thank you.

Im not doing okay. I feel so much pressure, stress and sadness all at once. I got accepted at a school to have an further education and expand my degree. And also found at that the school im attending to is RIGHT next to her apartment. When I say right, I mean its in the same building. I do wanna go to that school but now im feeling all this pressure and dont wanna go or feel like im not going to do a good job at all. Or that if i do decide to go.. im defenitly going to see her at some point or maybe see my ex fiance parked outside. I can barely go outside of the house, imagine attending a school..I feel like god really hates me at this point.

Also, tomrrow is my first time meeting my therapist and im so nervous and full of anxiety and just wanna cancel everything.
All I do is cry or being mad all day. And just imagining us being together with his child thats not part of me. Or just that he cheated on me and broke my heart and he isn't the one sitting on the sideline just being a complete mess. He isnt the one Who are feeling all of these emotions and having this struggel everyday or in the future. Its just hurt so frickin mutch and I hate everything

I know it’s all so overwhelming. We have been in your shoes (being betrayed). We understand your pain.

It can be paralyzing.

It is gut wrenching.

I don’t know what to say about the school opportunity. Right now it’s too raw for you to decide. Maybe in a few months it won’t bother you if you saw him or the Other Woman. But that’s clearly not the case now. So you may not have many choices about the school but I hope it doesn’t become a regret to you b/c you gave it up.

The best revenge is a life well lived. Years from now when you have recovered and are successful and happy you will be living your best life. Your former BF may still be a lying cheating selfish person who never changed or grew up.

Regarding your appointment tomorrow, it might be helpful to have a very immediate goal to focus on with the therapist. Like getting out of bed everyday or eating everyday or getting out of the house everyday. Maybe if someone else is holding you accountable you will accomplish these small steps.

Please keep posting here so we can support you. I think his mom sounds like a very kind and lovely person who sees her son for exactly who and what he is. And it’s wonderful she thinks you can do better.

I feel like I cant see my clear future as I used to. I can only see one day ahead. Its like, I knew what I wanted and could plan things, but I cant now...

Yes, his mom is the most amazing and kind hearted woman I have ever met. I got a very close relationship to her that I dont got with my own mother. So I value her in my heart so much.

Im gonna have to see what tomorrow bringes before I can decide anything. I will try and update as often as I can. And thank you all for being there for me in this time.

[This message edited by MssSunshine at 6:03 PM, Monday, September 19th]

How did your first counseling session go?

Did you feel like it helped you?

Sending hugs - we know the devastation you are feeling. It does get better. It just takes time.