SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think WH has put a man up to luring out to a home (I'm in the business of showing homes) to possibly photograph me entering/coming out of a home with this mystery man. I of course did NOT fall for that bait. WH has zero on me even if he wanted to try to fabricate some cheating on my part. Said man, called from a private number and was demanding I meet him after dark at this property

I think you're wrong. If you are in the business of showing homes,it would be 100% normal for you to be going in,and out,of houses with a man. That's not why there is a man lurking outside your home,and that's not why a man called,demanding you meet him,after dark,at a home.

You have missing money.

He's being cavalier about his cheating.

He never plans to have to pay you. Because he doesn't plan on your being around.

What if this man is a hit man?

Look,I know I may seem dramatic. But even your mom,who knows him,feels the same way.

All the cameras in the world won't matter if you're dead.

That man that called,could very well sound nice,and make a day time appointment to see a house. No cameras there.

Give him the money. Walk away with your life,and your kids alive.

Seriously. I am begging you to really listen to me..and your mom. Please.

Please.

My first instinct was the same as Hellfire's. This strange man luring you out to a house at night...no no no. This is how realtors get murdered. Show houses with a team member if you can. Always get ID, in writing and left at the office/with a colleague, of the person you are going to meet.

I don't think Hellfire is being dramatic at all. We all watch dateline. ID channel. These things happen. A lot.

My post nup was different from yours in that it was something that hurt me. It was signed under duress in the early days after D-Day, and shortly after a documented DV incident. I brought all the evidence in the world to the judge. The police report, the 911 tape, my mental health records, witnesses... And my judge still found in STBX's favor. I haven't posted about it in my own thread because I am still processing the loss, and trying to accept that family court really doesn't give a shit about us. We are on our own. In my case, my friends and family were glad that I lost, because they were all convinced that had STBX won, he would have killed me and or my children. As huge as the financial blow to me is, there is a sense of relief in that I don't have to look over my shoulder. That is what hellfire means when she says give him the money and walk away with your life. Make no mistake, he was still torture you and you will still be public enemy number one, but you will be safer than you are if you "win." Ultimately, what you do is your decision. Just be aware of the big picture and be fully aware of who you are dealing with.

I feel like as far as family court goes, you basically have to have a needle hanging out of your arm in the courtroom, or a murder conviction which occurs during the divorce proceedings, to be deemed an unfit parent or questionable human. I can see your WH and his attorney explaining away the car kiss, hotel bills can be explained away. He could also have paid in cash, as my STBX did. Just things to think about. My experience, both professionally and personally, is that nothing is a slam dunk. At this point in my life, I have largely lost faith in both the civil and criminal court systems. They are kangaroo courts at best, and it's a coin flip, nothing more, on who is going to prevail. Hang out a bit in the divorce separation forum, look at old posts from seasoned members, you will see this is a pattern.

Keep yourself safe. That is priority number one.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 5:23 PM, Tuesday, October 4th]

Hellfire
From D-Day I will not show any homes alone--I don't even know if the intent was to get me out there to fabricate a possible affair OR a hit man at this point The caller called from a private number and wanted to see it that day/at night. I just said NO. He sounded sketchy and even under normal terms I wouldn't have ever done that.

The way I just read your post makes things seem worse than I'm rationalizing it.

I had hoped the continued cheating on his part was helping him look forward to some future with a new woman at least a future of some sort.

The continued cheating I guess won't count since the D is filed is what I'm thinking.

I will definitely tread lightly in the process, money isn't worth anything if I'm not around.

You are NOT safe. My parents divorced and my mother killed my father AFTER the divorce! She was very abusive and was enraged that he "won" and had moved on. He was set to remarry when she shot him 5 times and watched him die. She is evil personified and has been in prison since 1982. She left extremely deep scars on all us kids that we will never recover from. PLEASE seek help from a women's shelter, hire a private investigator and also hire security. Also, have anything food related tested at a lab! He absolutely WILL kill your kids to hurt you, btw. I am convinced that the day my mother shot my dad she actually intended to kill my brother in front of him. She had already pulled a gun on him a few days before. In their mind, it's all about winning!

Please be safe! Put cameras EVERYWHERE!

WhotheBleep,
Yes the showing the whole situation was very worrisome, realtors have been targets in the past since it's really easy to commit crimes on a solo person in an empty house. I've taken my safety very seriously for years and listen and watch TOO much true crime for my own good. Yes, these things happen.

I'm so sorry about your post-nuptial saga, I know there's really no way to know where things will end. You are totally correct when you say that "winning" will likely make me a target for years of my WH. In the past I have found binoculars in his truck and asked him, and he shrugged it off. But knowing what I know of his type of crazy he likely surveilled some of these OW to make sure they weren't messing around with him (even though he was already cheating )

When you're ready to talk about it and process it all on here I'm sure we all can be there. It always seems that the courts are a toss up. I'm sure WH can explain away some of the proof, some is irrufutable, I likely will have to have my kids testify that they've seen him on multiple occasions pre-D with a burner phone which was strictly prohibited in the post-nuptial. I hadn't wanted to include them in this but after hearing how damning your case was in your favor and you didn't prevail then I may have to use their testimony additionally. (Especially since he's making them angry that he's still walking around with it in front of them now).

I think my intentions of purposely dragging this out is exactly what you said--basically a murder needs to happen right there in the court for them to deem anyone unfit to parent or a questionable human being--that is why I am in ZERO hurry for the D to be final, my WH legit thinks this will take a "couple of months" lordy, I think we're in for at least 2 years of this, my oldest will be almost 17 and my youngest will be 16. I firmly believe with the years of therapy and lots of work on my part they will be okay (I use that lightly) at that age if they have to go 50/50 time and both can drive and be independent. Plus that will cut down the years I will have to have ANY interaction with WH.

I can only guess what perpetual state of unrest I'd be living in--12 foot barbed wire fence, dobermans and flood lights likely though IF I do prevail in court, not a thought I want to imagine, the winning is really losing in this situation.

I'll keep aware and keep reading through the divorce postings.

Hugs, CT101

I

You are most definitely not safe.

I currently have a family member whose husband just tired to murder her. I will not go into specifics here but it made the news. He plotted slowly and used a method that was not found quickly by other medical professionals. She suffered for months and then nearly died before a major University hospital in our area finally found what was going on. This man is only back in jail because he refused to turn in his passport.

You honestly do not know what he is capable of and if he truly wants to harm you he will do it. Like other posters have said, cameras won't matter. Pieces of paper won't matter. Getting him out of your life is best for you and your children.

ArkLaMiss
I firmly know I'm not safe, I called a local domestic abuse shelter and talked with a counselor explaining the things WH has sneakily done to me in the past, she said to go to the police. I went to my local station and spoke with a policeman and said the same thing, pee in the mouthwash, castor oil in my drink, peeing on my clothes, stabbing my clothing, can't forget the hot pepper in the underwear. He just looked at me and said, can you prove any of that, well no. I didn't physically see him do it. He just said I have to get some proof. Not very helpful. I asked for them to remove the firearms in the house, nope, not any reason they could find.

I am SO incredibly sorry about your loss of in essence both of your parents. I can't even imagine the pain you & your siblings have experienced. I am utterly heartbroken you have had to experience any of that.

I am working on getting cameras set up, WH frequently goes around and sweeps the rooms for these kind of things. I had a hidden camera in the bathroom a year ago and that's when I discovered his buliemia and watching porn and using MY sink for his happy ending. Because of that camera WH is pretty vigilant with things in our house.

JadedAngel, true, nothing will stop him a camera or not. I am trying really hard to get him out and WH is on his best behavior (that I know of).

Ironically, 17 years when I met him, WH told me his first wife (married less than a year) had tried to poison him with arsenic?!?!? What I know of him now is that he was just reversing the story as he likely poisoned her.

I just tried to reach out to his ex-wife (they were literally married 20 years ago) but I thought she might be able to give me some insight on what she experienced.

I think you’re making a huge mistake by trying to fleece him in court.

In a perfect world, you would get your 75% of everything and he would just suffer the humiliation and admit defeat. If the justice system was flawless, you would be able to secure full legal and physical custody of your son, and your WS would get supervised visits (at best).

But the reality is that he’s going to pull every trick in the book to make this divorce as difficult and painful for you and your kids as possible.

He passed polygraphs with flying colors, and thanks to all the counseling he’s attending, he’s fluent enough in psychobabble to dupe a court-appointed psych evaluator, just as he has duped his other professionals

Unfortunately, because you never reported anything he did at the time he did them (and your husband is diabolically subtle) you can’t get him out of the house until he does something severe enough to get himself locked up.

And by that point it will be too late.

If you were any other BS, I would be cheering you on right now to take everything short of the shirt of his back.

But again, based on your circumstances and the type of man you’re married to, I implore you to focus only on getting yourself and your son out from underneath him as safely as possible.

As I recall from you previous threads, a lot of posters used to criticize you— quite unfairly— for being focused on money and not wanting to giving up your comfort and lifestyle. You were a stay-at-home mother at the time with limited income potential and you didn’t want to struggle hand to mouth because of him. I get it.

But you have your own business now. You’ll have to scrimp and save, but you can manage. Your daughter is out of the house and your son is a teenager. Your circumstances are different now.

Seriously ask yourself… how much the safety and sanity of you and your kids worth to you? Is there any settlement imaginable that is worth the risk?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:16 PM, Wednesday, October 5th]

Bluerthanblue,
I understand the sentiment of throwing him under the proverbial bus in court. WH is younger then me and has many years with his business to make up the difference, whereas I am sort of behind the eight ball professionally speaking and my business is very temperamental with the swings in the market. Hence, my drive to continue with the post-nuptial which as really anyones guess will stand or not.

I now have accumulated a lot of assets that he is entitled to half of, so the 75/25 also keeps him from taking what I've accumulated in the last few years. So it's emotional to me that I can keep what I've built since it's a huge part of my retirement one day.

Until there is some hearing on that specific post-nuptial I am hoping things will stay calm here, WH has been very quiet and staying completely in his room with only a random one-liner out of of his mouth on a rare occasion.

My son is going to be 14 and my daughter is about to be 15 so I'm anticipating this whole D process will take 2 years--my attorney said I can drag this out for 5 if you want--no thanks. At least for 2 years I can maintain the status quo.

I am thinking that things will be okay (as WH is desperate to not leave the house as his business is based here) so WH is being (for now) compliant and knows the kids are in therapy.

I DO know that after the post-nuptial hearing things can go two ways, if WH wins he'll be thrilled with all his psychoticness and will be happy as a lark knowing that he managed to fleece another person, NOW if I do prevail is when I know I'll have to address my next steps for safety. I am sure we are many months from that scenario.

I'll have to be transparent and honest, my lifestyle and comfort are important to me and I likely have hung on longer then I should have through the years to have my life. I would fully understand why I would be criticized for choosing money over what others think is imminent danger. I have been so conditioned to his particular type of revenge by him that it has become my reality. While other peoples mouths fall open when I tell them I usually am completely unaffected by it anymore.

I clearly see his potential for danger towards me, I have lived anticipating the fallout, put up with his mood swings and anger as WH battles his buliemia, gets dumped by AP's and everything that could set him off. WH has made plans for after the divorce, has talked about numbers and buying land, building and a future and that is with his anticipated half.

There is ZERO money worth my life and children's absolutely NONE--I'm just proceeding with everything including the post-nuptial on a day to day basis and watch his behaviors like a hawk. IF for any reason I see a decline I will back off the post-nuptial and proceed with a normal 50/50.

For me I am hell bent that he not get half of what I've accumulated over the last few years and really is the only reason why I'll stay carefully on the 75/25, IF I can get him to settle for a 50/50 on the house, cars and we both keep our businesses and their holdings I will jump on that settlement. BUT I firmly know WH will want half of my holdings, and that's likely why I am still holding on to the pursuit of the 75/25 and that's to keep what I built.

My WH is basically ignoring my kids, making them feel like crap , while he's locked in his room nightly, not even speaking or interacting with them, takes them nowhere. I guess he's just trying to manipulate their affections, as to say "if you side with your mom--then I don't plan on caring for you"....Whatever his rationale is heartbreaking for the kids. They've seen him without the mask.

Yes, WH can lie through a polygraph and likely charm the pants off any psych evaluation so I don't have much hope in the perfect world that I can extracate him out of my kids lives for the majority of the time. All I can do is get them therapy and hope they can learn how to manage a narcissistic father with buliema and other hosts of mental issues.

In the perfect world, I get 75/25 WH gets supervised visitations with my son, my daughter at 17 (in 2 years) can chose to do what she wants as far as custody goes, WH rides off into the sunset happy to be able to live a single life etc. But I know that's not likely to be the reality. I'm just going to take each day to proceed as carefully as I can with WH.

pee in the mouthwash, castor oil in my drink, peeing on my clothes, stabbing my clothing, can't forget the hot pepper in the underwear.

..and the shards of glass in your vibrater. IMO,the other stuff is gross,and juvenile,and absolutely awful. But the glass in the vibrater? Sick. Sadistic. Demented. That's what shows how dangerous he is. He hoped to do you serious bodily harm.

NOW if I do prevail is when I know I'll have to address my next steps for safety. I am sure we are many months from that

You believe there is a man lurking outside your house, and a man who has tried to lure you to an empty house, at night,alone..

The danger is right there. Right now. You are IN danger.

I say this gently..an abused woman thinks differently. They've been conditioned to accept abuse,and it's become her reality,so she is used to it. She doesn't necessarily see it,or their abuser,for what and who they are. You are that woman. We all see it. Your mom sees it. Yet you continue to believe you know how he feels,how he will react,and what he's doing right now. The truth is,you have no clue. You know how you would feel,and you're projecting it onto him. You really don't see the danger you're in,despite telling us you do. You prove that when you say things like you know what he's doing,and when you believe you could be in real danger. You dismiss the idea that he could be plotting your death, RIGHT NOW,and believe you know him. You don't know him. You have no idea.

If you really believed he was capable of killing you,or the kids, you wouldn't be so Hell bent on getting your money. You would leave right now. But,again, you're an abused woman,and you don't see this for what it is.

I don't expect you to listen to us. Listen to your mom. She sees it. She knows. Imagine if your daughter was in this exact situation. What would you tell her to do? Guess what? Your daughter is in this situation. And every day,she is in danger.

At their age,the kids can talk to the judge. They can tell the judge of their fears. They have a therapist to back them up. It's highly unlikely they would be forced to see him.

You so need to just leave.

Hellfire, yes, literally crazy stuff. I have a long list, in the house I owned before we married, he super glued the light fixtures in an on position, before we married he took some special items of mine that I ended up finding in his drawer in his house after asking him repeatedly if he had seen them, he knifed a designed purse of mine, he put water in my son's gas tank of his car, put bleach in my shampoo bottle--but then chickened out and replaced the bottle with a brand new one (same brand but FULL before I knew) he ended up admitting to that one. Tracked my car, once took out a car sensor so my car wasn't operational (likely as he was going to see an AP and wanted to be insured I wasn't going to find him). Put dish soap in a 2 liter soda bottle.

I did find hidden in his closet sleeping pills, which I really wondered what WH was going to do with them--possibly stick them in my drink? WH said he just needed them to sleep, then I asked why hide them!?!

The vibrator was a weird situation, he said years ago he wanted to "experiment" hence the purchasing of the vibrator for use together, WH then said, after I found it with glass randomly stuck in it and asked him why, that he said "that it's a replica of another man's penis" so he thought it undermined his own penis I guess.

He also has some real weird ideas with sex as it realtes to penises, WH frequently has told AP's he wants to "mark his territory" who knows, some serious insecurites about size or something. His grandparents who raised him openly watched pornography with him in the room as a child. I was watching his old VHS tape from "Thanksgiving" and after 5 minutes it cut into a porn?!?!

I am sure there is so much more I could never directly pin on him.

With all of that being said he IS very paranoid about ME doing stuff like that to him, so the paranoia keeps him on edge.

Hellfire, I came to the realization after I spoke with the domestic abuse center counselor in my town that in fact have been in a very abusive realtionship, as I explained the things he's done to me and waited for her response, I just said to her "is any of this abuse"? She confirmed it all was and I spent the next 5 minutes crying and explaining to her I'm not an idiot, I have a degree in sociology and criminology, and how I could be so stupid.

She reassured me that I have been likely so conditioned to question my own sanity, the reality and gaslight to high hell and back that it has become normalized in my mind.

My Mom has called and told me the same as you Hellfire, she sees his potential and has said she is scared he'll hurt me or the kids. She had me promise her I will not do anything that will endanger anyone with this D. I sense her fears and take them to heart. She knows everything and is even worried about her own house and self. I hate that I brought this person into anyones life--I saw those early signs, I ignored them all. No excuses.

I will talk with my attorney and ask if I can leave with the kids, my fear is that they will order some temporary visitation with him and THAT is my worry that he could hurt them. WH is giving me absolutely nothing to use in my defense of getting him out or taking the kids.

I don't mean to belabor the point that Hellfire, myself, and others have made but seriously... if you were someone I knew personally, I would dragging you out of your house by your hair right now.

It seems like, intellectually, you know that you're situation is fucked up and that your husband is dangerous... but you've been completely conditioned by your husband (and trained by yourself) to stifle a normal fight or flight response.

For example, your first thought about a man lurking around and trying to schedule a night time appointment in an empty home was not "I'm in danger." Instead, you assumed that your husband is trying to set you up to be busted for having an affair.

Did it even occur to you that maybe you should report the fact that a strange man is following you? Even if it turns out to be nothing, at least you have a paper trail.

There is ZERO money worth my life and children's absolutely NONE--I'm just proceeding with everything including the post-nuptial on a day to day basis and watch his behaviors like a hawk. IF for any reason I see a decline I will back off the post-nuptial and proceed with a normal 50/50.

I'm sorry, CT, but this is simply not sustainable. You have to sleep sometime. You have a job, you have responsibilities, and you're a human being, not a machine. It's not reasonable to expect that you are going to be hyper vigilant 24/7. He can and will catch you off your guard.

For me I am hell bent that he not get half of what I've accumulated over the last few years and really is the only reason why I'll stay carefully on the 75/25, IF I can get him to settle for a 50/50 on the house, cars and we both keep our businesses and their holdings I will jump on that settlement. BUT I firmly know WH will want half of my holdings, and that's likely why I am still holding on to the pursuit of the 75/25 and that's to keep what I built.

WHO. GIVES. A. FUCK. Yes, I know it's easy for me to say this from behind a computer screen and not living your life, paying your bills, dealing with your struggles. But money will always exist and it can always be made. Your life is priceless and it's finite.

I'm going to reiterate the main points of advice I made in your JFO thread because it bears repeating:

(1) Pretend divorce is off the table until your son is 18 and, hopefully, safely out of the house. That way the issue of custody and child support is moot and your son can't be used as leverage in a nasty divorce.

(2) Throw your postnup in the trash. Give your husband an Oscar-worthy performance about how much you love and care about him, how you know how damaged and hurt he is from his childhood of abuse and pain, and that you couldn't possibly bring yourself to leave him with nothing. Then see if we accept a 50/50 split or be willing to give you full custody if you don't pursue spousal support or try to enforce the postnup.

He would probably want to destroy you out of pure spite, but any halfway decent lawyer would try to convince him to take the deal. The only way to deal with a psychopath like your WS is to convince him that what you want him to do is in his best interests. You're even more likely to be successful if you can swallow your pride and fool him into thinking that's he's outsmarted and bamboozled you, even if, in reality, you know exactly what's happening and you're (mostly) getting your way.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:58 PM, Wednesday, October 5th]

BluerthanBlue,
I have very likely been conditioned to "downplay" WH's actions as a source of survival. I have always defaulted and excused his actions because he does the things that I can't actually catch him in directly. I'm emotionally dumbed down to the point where I've rationalized them away as his particular brand of crazy.

WH is very quiet, doesn't engage with me at all, we don't speak, he comes straight in from work, goes directly to his room, ignores everyone and stays there for the entire night. It's as if he really isn't here at all. There is zero communication, except through the random email exchange.

I know it's not sustainable to be on high alert waiting for the other shoe to fall, right now besides the randonly strage occurences that I plan on reporting today to the police there's not much to go on except for the his past actions which the police care very little about since it's only my word & I have no documentation.

You are right money can be re-earned, death is final. He has plans after the divorce with what he previously planned to receive out of the settlement.

(1) Pretend divorce is off the table until your son is 18 and, hopefully, safely out of the house. That way the issue of custody and child support is moot and your son can't be used as leverage in a nasty divorce.

As far as the backing out of the divorce and playing the part of reconciliation until my youngest is 18, that will not work as my WH wants the divorce now fully. So no luck going that route.

(2) Throw your postnup in the trash. Give your husband an Oscar-worthy performance about how much you love and care about him, how you know how damaged and hurt he is from his childhood of abuse and pain, and that you couldn't possibly bring yourself to leave him with nothing. Then see if we accept a 50/50 split or be willing to give you full custody if you don't pursue spousal support or try to enforce the postnup.

I will attempt to do this. The issue is that WH is hell bent on having full custody of our son But for money sake I'm sure he'll ditch him in a heart beat if he thinks he's saving $$. I will most definitely go this route.

HE will most certainly still want to destroy me in the way you described and I'll have to let him think he's winning, I have zero problem with playing that part. His biggest point he has been making with his attorney is that he co-mingled a sizeable amount of money into our marital home of the last 15 years and wants that out of the proceeds too (which he's legally unable to do) so I would likely have to give him that too, which would really financially devastate me moving forward. He actually wants more than even 50/50. (He bought the land our house is built on)

I'm going to speak to my attorney today about the ability to move out of the house with the kids, but I am sure by taking them even after proposing the above he will want some sort of visitation which scares me. At the minimum staying here ensures I have eyes and ears on my children at all times. So that's the drawback.

I have had to deal with criminals who can beat a polygraph. I consider them the most dangerous. I hope you can get him out soon for your safety. Do you keep a 'to go bag' ready for you and the kids? If not, do so and keep in in your vehicle. I can't believe they won't at least make him remove the guns from the home with all you have told them! That's just wrong. Are the weapons in a secure place with a lock so it would take him 'time' to get them? I hope so because that would be yur time to run with your kids.

There are men sitting on death row who killed spouses during divorce times and mot of them show no remorse. I don't represent them, they turn my stomach. They always blame the dead victim for their demise being put on death row or a life without parole sentence. They always have to 'win' and be 'right.'

Keep posting so we will know you are okay.

Jeaniegirl,

Yes I keep a bag prepared for everyone in my car, I wish I could get him out but unless he screws up that's unlikely to happen during this D process.

My WH admitted to most of the questions that were going to be asked on the polygraph except for the paid sex. He flatly denied it and actually said that wasn't his MO of cheating, his fullfillment was the desire to be wanted by a woman that lead to sex. HE has some serious self-loathing for his body and is a buliemic--so paid sex really didn't accomplish his need for accpetance. I think he met a woman--had sex and she demanded to be paid. He passed the poly with that question as a "NO" but likely he was in his own sense of denial OR lied>

As far as weapons goes--the big guns are locked in an outside safe that would take a little bit of time to get to. We both carry, so WH has a gun freely accessible to him and I have my own. I've asked the police for removal of guns, but once again WH hasn't given any reason, I'm also thinking they may want to take mine as well and IF it came to a showdown of sorts he would have a much better chance of hurting me if were without my gun.

I definitely can see why remorseless killers on death row who have killed spouses have no accountability for their actions and blame the victim, seems to go for those that serial cheat as well--they blame everything on everyone else. Very scary to think how closely the psychology is related.

Thank you--I'll keep posting.

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 2:04 PM, Friday, October 7th]

I don’t know what your religious background is (if any) but I’m going to include in you in my prayers for intercession to St Michael the Archangel… you need a demon slayer to have your back!

Please keep posting so we know you’re alright.

BluerthanBlue, Thank you for the prayers. I was raised Catholic but have been just a practicing Christian for many years. I just went on Amazon and bought a St. Michael necklace too---hopefully I am doubly covered in the demon slayer department.