SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First time posting but have lurked over the site for a couple of yrs now.
Long story short:
- Found innappropriate conversations between WH and another woman when I was 6m pregnant. Confronted and he denied until only very recently. Being hormonal and having the new baby on the way (as well as our 2yr old) I rugswept and let it go (except for the occassional raising of the issue).
- about 4yrs after the first indiscretion I found out that he started a EA/PA with someone he met at work that started about 2 months after I had our child (as mentioned above) that lasted 3yrs. During discovery I also found lots of innappropriate texts/conversations with about 6 or so other women on social media (that he either knew when he was younger or had met at work) - disgusting, immature sexts. The 3yr affair ended when I found out and I tried to implement bndy's, talk about the why's and prevention in the future etc (couldnt afford a councillor at the time) however was met with a lot of defence, anger and ultimately very little work on his part. Like a chump i gave him a chance (I desperately wanted to keep the family in tact) and things werent great but OK and he seemed to be towing the line so-to-say.
- About 1yr and 3m after revelation of the PA (just before xmas last year) I found out about innappropriate conversations at work with about 4 other women. I hit the roof this time around (the shock wasnt as bad) and he went into major depressive mode, got psychiatric help (anxiety/depression) and made the endless promises. However he still refused/was unable to tap into the why/how. I put my foot down this time and insisted we were not moving forward until i had some effort from him on the discussions of why and prevention. While we still had sex, and life goes on with a young family i still raised it with him at the end of each week and really tried hard to open up the communication about it all - he made false promises along the way and realistically didnt actually put in much effort...so my resentment did start to affect things.
- 8 month later (current day) I started to feel the distance from him again, his dismissive reactions to my raising the affairs topic and my red flags went up. I broached the topic approx 4 times over the course of the last month and was met with nothings wrong, im just tired, works been busy etc and then just last week his response was i dont know what i want, dont ask me if this is what i want i cant answer that question - when i asked if he still wanted to be with me. So i asked him to leave as after all he has put me through if he wasnt certain that he wanted to be with me then it wasnt worth trying anymore.
he happily packed a bag of clothes and left without a backward glance. Not being as trusting/naive this time around i know that he had been in communicatin with a lady at work and that communication ramped up significantly as soon as he left - the conversations were not platonic.

He has been gone for 2 weeks partying, not sleeping, communicating with the AP etc. and only returning here to look after the kids while i am at work (school holidays/his work holidays) - spent most of his time sleeping, texting and not really doing too much.

All i wanted was closure and honesty at the end of the day - 18yrs together and a young family - and asked him for this as a sign of respect and being able to move forward amicably for the kids. But i just got lies, denial and not much honesty/truth. I am done, and have started to separate out our everyday things like banking, phones, health ins etc. I feel like yesterday/last night he is doing things like hugging me, turned up last night at 2am to sleep (just turned up and got into bed tried to cuddle up to me) etc. while at the same time texting/talking to his AP What is with this man?

While i am no supermodel i am pretty attractive, smart, have a great job (and can financially support myself), will bend over backward for my family (particularly) am loyal and forgiving and still only 36yrs old (plenty of life left in me). I dont know how to force this separation without it getting messy (him getting cranky about me saying no to him coming and using the house - which i think will definately happen) and while still genuinely loving the 'old him'. It is so hard because of my loyalty to our young family but obviously he has zero respect for me (or potentially has NPD/bipolar). He currently has a place to stay with his sister (who has said it is fine he stay there as long as he needs) and in reality there is no reason why he cant shower/sleep there.

TBH dont really know what i am looking for here....a vent/advice/to have my voice heard? I am just over being fucked around.

I am responding to let you know you were heard. I also want to gently tell you there is little chance your separation and divorce will be "clean." But I can't imagine being a friend and saying "yea, you should tough this out another 30 years."

You married at 18 and had a life together (if I read your post right) and while miracles happen, what are the chances a miracle will come along and make your husband monogamous and supportive?

I learned the hard way that trying to keep a troubled marriage together was all I got - it was never not a troubled marriage again. Deserve has nothing to do with it to me, it's what you can tolerate and for how long.

By your description, you'll have plenty to pick from if you want to try again. And last, be careful what you teach your children by example. You don't want your kids to learn to tolerate infidelity, period, full stop.

3years,
Sending hugs your way. Your WH is remorseless serial cheater, you were NOT a chump for staying and trying to save your family. You put value in the greater good, the lives of your children, you are selfless and that is commendable.

I too had recently had a baby (less than 2 months old) when I caught my WH searching women looking for men on Craigslist. WH laughed it off as just watching desperate women, yeah right

You cannot blame yourself for the feelings of resentment especially with a WH who chooses his own self-absorbed needs over his family. MY WH too, mentioned many times after I found out in 2015 with the first D-Day of multiple women how he didn't like when I pulled away from him when I fell back into the pain from the affairs. It takes years to push back that resentment with a WS who is consistent, remorseful and doing everything they can to build back the trust. My WH went out and bought himself a pricey sports car about 3 years into R claiming he needed the distraction from wanting to cheat.

Almost laughable, a WS who can't and won't put themselves into your shoes and EXPECT the BS to have some anger and resentment regularly is someone who isn't a good R candidate.

Your WH will continue to disrespect you until you put an end to it, I fully knew too by taking my Wh back after his multiple affairs put me in the direct path of more. WH likely thought "we'll she stayed after all these affairs--we'll then she'll stay again". I did initially file for D and did not pull the D until I had a post-nuptial with infidelity clause giving me the lionshare of assets. WH wasn't able to control his sickness so now I'm getting a D based on his recent affairs I discovered.

You will get through this, it's not easy but it's better to be alone then to be disrespected and abused by this man.

Are you asking how to remain in a relationship with someone who shows you disrespect at every turn?

Or are you asking how to keep the peace until you can get him out of your home?

Thanks everyone,
I know logically it is not my fault and gave him multiple chances to curb the behaviour, just erodes your self esteem to be disregard (and i hurt for the kids in the same way) for something so superficial and meaningless.
It would have been nice to end things in a mature manner rather than just walking away for the next hit and lying.
I have tried to talk to him about the property and visitation but he is completely disinterested (quite literally screws up his face) in having any type of mature conversation about certain things that need to be sorted out. I think he believes that if we dont talk then his affairs and I are just a things of the past - no hard feelings - his free and clear and can move on to this fantastic life his built in his head about his harem
I am just struggling to maintain my maturity around him (i just want to scream that he needs to deal with the fallout of all this shit) when he is acting like everything is happy and fine when he comes over....Once this week is over and school goes back hopefully i will be able to get some space and not have to see him every day which may help the situation...i dont know.
I also know that he is keeping his current AP under wraps for now ... my guess to hopefully to avoid the fallout that would have to his reputation. Which also just pisses me off.
So in short - no i am not going back to that relationship, but really struggling to sort things out (because he is being avoidant) and pissed off that he is all happy chappy while i pick up the pieces with me and the kids.

I have tried to talk to him about the property and visitation but he is completely disinterested (quite literally screws up his face) in having any type of mature conversation about certain things that need to be sorted out.

If he doesn't want input, I wouldn't give him any. I'd see an attorney, draw up the settlement and custody that suited ME, and go from there. If he doesn't want to hear it from you, he can hear it from the family court judge. I'd go for full custody with every other weekend visitation and enough financial support to pay for the additional childcare costs.

I am so sorry for you. From the little you have shared it appears as though you married a very immature guy. He avoids responsibility. He avoids discussion.

He’s burying his head in his hand so to speak.

Unfortunately you are going to have to D him by doing all the work yourself. Yes he’s that guy. He’s lazy and selfish and can’t afford to lose his wife AKA his administrative assistant b/c now he may have to lift a finger. Or two.

The tell here is you told him to leave and he happily packed his bags. Wow!! That is hard to watch. That really broadcasts who he is.

So sorry for you and kids. He’s a man-child.

Well the hard 2 weeks are over, now I can get some space to maybe not be so angry. Will see how this pans out - as it will be the first step into the reality of the situation for him (not being here every day etc).
Thanks for the support - it sounds cliche but it is nice to have people who have been here before. Lots of people are happy to give their 2 cents worth but having not been in a situation like infidelity dont realise how hard and damaging it really is - so I appreciate the support.
Have a great weekend :)

3yrs - You've been heard. I'm sorry you are here.

When I realized what my XW was doing, I was in denial (like most of us, I'm sure). When I tried to have a conversation about it, she just deflected and tried to act like it was all okay. She would never respond to the 'Why" question other than "I don't know." That was maddening for me.

She wouldn't do anything. I moved out of the master bedroom. Just a night of that made me change my mind and I told her that since she was the one that cheated she had to go the spare bedroom and I reclaimed the master. That lasted about a week. I couldn't stand to see her come strutting into my house like nothing had happened so I found her a place to move to. We called it a trial separation. I loaded some of her stuff in my pickup, some of her stuff in her car and hauled it to her new place.

I wish she would have happily packed a bag and left, but she didn't want to let go of the comfort of a family, despite her infidelity and doing all she could to burn down 30+ years together.

My situation was different. My youngest was 15 at the time and he told me that he was staying with me, no matter what.

A month or so after she was evicted, by me, I ended up with a medical problem that required an out-patient surgery. I had no one else to turn to for help since my son didn't have a driver's license, so XW came with me for "support" and to drive me home. When we got home, she spent the time 'helping me recover' by sitting on the couch and texting her affair partner while I dealt with pain. I finally asked her to leave and head to her rental and just leave me alone.

I think I filed for divorce that week.

You are stronger than you know.

Thanks for the support everyone.
The range of emotions are so strong and varied but i am staying strong to what i know is right.
My logical snd rational mind is still in conflict with my emotions and feelings - but i guess that is all part of breaking the manipulation cycle.
I never want to wish time away but i am looking forward to being in a more healed place from all this trauma.

I just want to comment on loving the "old him." I've been down that road. You just have to know that the "old him" no longer exists, and there's a high likelihood he never existed, and his current state is just a final manifestation of the true him. It's so hard to let go.

First time posting but have lurked over the site for a couple of yrs now

You are making your first post in the Divorcing forum, so that alone is telling. Your heart has already chosen your path. Your brain just needs to catch up. I think you'll find peace on the other side.

((Hugs)) for you and your kids.

First time posting but have lurked over the site for a couple of yrs now

You are making your first post in the Divorcing forum, so that alone is telling. Your heart has already chosen your path. Your brain just needs to catch up. I think you'll find peace on the other side.

((Hugs)) for you and your kids.