SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I need some kind of help or advice..

I have been with my husband for almost 11 years we have been married for almost 2 years no children I have 2 from previous marriage and he has one from previous relationship we have a bunch of fur babies together my husband and I actually dated when I was 15 he was 16 my husband took my virginity and we wasn’t emotionally mature so we split I ended up meeting some terrible human being ended up getting knocked up at 16 and having my first child at 17 ended up having one more baby and then Marrying this asshole (sorry my first marriage was AWLFUL) we divorced then BAM!! I decided to message my current husband on facebook we met up that night for drinks and have been inseparable since. My father just passed away in march of this year and him I were very CLOSE this was my first huge lost even death I have ever had to deal with in my 32 years alive so for almost 7 months I’ve been grieving my dad and trying to navigate my life now without him sorry for rambling on I have absolutely NO ONE to talk to and that’s not a exaggeration I know everyone says this but my husband and I are bff I felt like he’s the ying to my Yang we share the same views or similar on Just about everything sometimes we don’t even have to say a word to each other we just have to just look at each other and know what the other one is thinking right after our 10 years anniversary (was the beginning of July) I noticed a change in my husband he would pay more attention to his phone then me even in serious conversations he wouldn’t put his phone down and give me all his attention then he would go into the bathroom for 45 mins to hour depending on if hr was showering or using the bathroom then he would leave the house to run errands and be gone for hours at a time and always has a excuse why it took him forever 3 weeks ago on a Saturday night he working he texted me at 1230 am to say he’s was on his way home then I quit hearing from him then I get a phone call at 245 am he got pulled over and his license was suspended and he was in jail so I panicked and tried to get him out long story short his dad went to the jail and picked up his phone and wallet and gave it to me something inside me said check his phone the Lock Screen was disabled so I did and I found out why he had been so distant he has been sexting numerous girls on dating apps google chat snap chat talk about he’s a single dad and even was talking about paying some of theses women for sex from the messages I read it didn’t get that far the. To make matters worse I found out he’s been sexting a local woman who I have previously known from high school they we’re sending nudes and talking about fucking the past few months hr told me he met a old man through a mutual friend and had Been helping this old man with various jobs around there house and riding this old man places there was no old man it was that local woman they had inside jokes about how he was lying to me about her being the old man they talked about wanting to have a threesome with me and my husband told her that he only wanted to have a 3 way so that this could be his way of being intimate with her and come to find out when he got pulled over he was with her she got arrested to for warrants I threw up how could he do this to me I have loyal faithful and loving since day one and not to sound superficial but I’m a very attractive woman I’m a part time lingerie model and take pride in myself and she has no teeth and has acne marks all over her face I have been DEVASTATED since find out we have a EXTREMELY good sex life he likes for me to dress up everytime for sec and role playing and I dress up and go full out for him I confronted him and he admitted to it all but says he never fucked kissed or anything with one one else even the local woman I sent her a message telling her to stay away from my husband and she sent me even more of there texts and says she was only talking to him to get to me so her and I could fuck and I told her that would never happen my husband has apologized a million times and he seems remorseful but idk my question is does anyone think he really did have a sexual relationship with the local women or anyone of them I don’t know what to sorry for the long post

I’m so sorry you had to find SI. 99.9 percent of the time you do not get the full truth on Dday. They only admit what you can prove.

The old man story proves he was running around with her, adults don’t sneak around to hang out, they sneak around to have sex, you need to read and Implement the 180. Sorry he’s done this to you.

Hi, welcome to SI the best club no one wants to join. So sorry you find yourself here.

Gently, cheaters lie, all of them. If this woman was in close proximity to your home AND she was with him in the car, 99.9999% sure they had sex.

Your husband is not the man you think he is. Sexting other women, lying about his whereabouts, possessive about his phone, another woman in his vehicle?

He also made a fool out of you with this other woman by mocking the story he told about the old man that you believed.

Please get yourself checked for STDS asap and find a good counselor for yourself.

There will be others here shortly.

When you respond, please insert paragraphs into your post, it makes it easier for members to read.

Sending a virtual hug.

When distance isn't a factor, there's sex involved. He was pulled over with her. They've had sex.

Her little story? She's covering for him. She's protecting him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:46 PM, Thursday, October 13th]

Please understand that this issue is all on him, and his selfish choices. There's nothing you did or didn't do, how you look, act, whatever, that caused him to cheat. He made conscious decisions to go outside of your relationship.

Jennifer Anniston & Halle Berry were cheated on, as well as Adam Levine cheating on his Victoria's Secret model wife.

It's not you - it is him.

I'm so sorry that he's done this to you. Discovering that someone you love could betray you so heartlessly is a terrible thing. Losing a parent in the same time frame makes the trauma that much worse. I'm sorry for your loss.

You mentioned that he seems remorseful. I'm sorry, but no. At this point he only regrets that he has been caught and is trying to minimize the consequences. The fact that he is still lying to you demonstrates that. The chances that he went through all of that and didn't have sex are virtually zero. Adults don't send each other nudes and then illicitly hang around together for quality conversation.

Your husband has serious problems that he needs to address before he can be anything close to a safe partner for you. He sounds irresponsible, selfish, and mean. Responsible adults don't end up with their license suspended and then just go out driving around to hook up. Kind, loving, partners don't mock their beloved spouse to their hook up partner.

Don't let him blame any of this on you. It's entirely on him. Trust your gut. If something seems wrong, there's something wrong. Don't let him convince you otherwise.

I would urge you to get into IC and begin distancing yourself from him until he gets into IC himself and starts giving you the full truth. You've got a lot of trauma and grief to deal with. Read up on the "180" in the Healing Library. You are a young, attractive, loving, partner with your whole life ahead. You should not tolerate being treated this way. It sounds like you feel a strong bond with your WH but if he had that he lost track of it somewhere. He needs to be able to explain how and why that happened to be sure it will never happen again.

You should abstain from sex with your husband until he shows that he will be faithful. Both of you should get STD tested.

I'm sorry to say it, but you mentioned that his AP is toothless with acne and that may indicate that she is a drug addict. If she's a drug user then you need to be very alert for the possibility that your husband has taken up the habit as well. Does he have any history of drug use? Have you checked the arrest records to verify exactly what they were arrested for?

Wishing you the best.

"Kind, loving, partners don't mock their beloved spouse to their hook up partner."

I second what seeking2forgive wrote.

I was the mocked wife but I did not know it. I regret that I did not take immediate action to take exquisite care of myself emotionally and physically. I risked my health and life believing someone (my husband) who lied to me and took sexual risks and engaged in dangerous behavior.

Please seek competent medical care and emotional support from providers who understand infidelity. And get a full std panel. My provider followed me for over a year. My WH lied to my provider about his risk factors. He was definitely having sex with other people and lying to me about it. I did not want to believe it. Rarely do people who lie suddenly become truthful. It is a hard journey for a wayward spouse to become the safe partner you and your family deserve.

Also my condolences on your loss of a parent. So sorry you are going through this.

The stream of consciousness writing in this post absolutely encapsulates the trauma and panic we experience when someone we trust betrays us.

Please find someone to speak to in person about what has just happened to you, even if it is a phone counseling service or your doctor.

Eazye666 -

I'm really sorry for all that you've undergone. My condolences on the loss of your father.

Glad you have found this site. Your husband has had sex with that woman many times. Cheaters trickle-truth. And cheaters lie. In sum and substance, trickle truthing is when they feed you a little bit of the truth incrementally. Next he'll probably admit they did have sexual contact but only once he'll say it was only oral and he only received. And then later admit they both gave and received. And so on and so on. Cheaters often say "we tried to have sex but I (or in case of a woman cheater, he) couldn't get it up." If he tries that, know it's a lie and typical cheater tactic.

Cheaters regularly "affair down". There's a thread somewhere on this site about this. Think of when celebrities cheating scandals are exposed, the affair partner usually is no where near the (for lack of a better word) "quality" of the betrayed celebrity. It's a common phenomenon. Hopefully you'll come to realize his cheating isn't about you, it's about him. Doesn't matter how beautiful you are, how well you cook, how good the sex is, how funny you are, how smart you are, it's about his character defect.

Has he gone no contact with her? This is a requirement if your marriage is to continue. He must show you proof. Usually it's done in an email that you would read before he sends it to her. It shouldn't leave the door open by saying something like "because my wife is against it we can no longer talk." It should be brief and to the point i.e. what we have done is wrong and I do not want to see you again do not ever contact me again in anyway and do not contact my wife or anyone else in my family in anyway. This is a non-negotiable.

Don't contact her anymore. It will only bring you more hurt. She's trash and I am of the belief affair partners are just as much to blame as the married cheater, but she is not your focus. She didn't break your marriage vows.

Recommend you look up what the difference between regret v. remorse. Your husband sounds regretful that he was caught and experiencing minor inconveniences. But what has he done to try to repair the damage? Has he given you open access to his phone? Has he deactivated or deleted his dating profiles? Has he shown you all the chat logs? Has he deleted the texting apps off his phone? Has he said he wants to do indiv or marriage counseling. Has he told you why he's done this? And what he expected to happen once you found out? What has he done to prove to you this will never happen again other than his million I'm sorrys? You know his word is worth less than used toilet paper.

Please get std tested. And start researching lawyers in the event you do need to get a divorce so that you can protect yourself. Cheating is emotional abuse, compounded with you losing your father, and your grief, therapy should be sought.

Young friend: you and your husband have serious relationship issues that are way above the pay grade of most of us here. He was caught driving on a revoked license with another woman in the car. You play dress-up to get his attention even though you are a very attractive girl. Still, you wonder if he has crossed the line sexually with other women? Of course he has!

I assume you have custody of your kids, so the situation is even more complex.

Get professional help if you can. For the sake of your children.

I was with my first love from high school too. That bond is like a super magnet. My ws wanted to stay together and have his kinky mistress too. I had controlling boyfriends as well. It takes time to heal from these wounds.

You are strong and will be fine. You are young and your life doesn't have to be filled with worry and drama. I'm sorry he chooses this over a happy life with you. I know you just wanted a happy life with someone who understands you. He took advantage and got extremely selfish. He's making very reckless choices. None of this points to a happy future.