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Taking your phone and deleting things off of it to suit his agenda is unacceptable. Period. There have GOT to be consequences for this that go beyond you expressing your anger. If I were you, that would have been a complete deal breaker - at least for now. As in, here are some clothes and your phone charger, try to find a motel that's close to a laundromat and a McDonald's.

And I also agree with the others - it feels like there's some ulterior motive behind such a drastic action. I think he did a cost/benefit analysis and decided he'd risk your anger in the interest of whatever benefit there was to getting rid of those pics, because there's no WAY he didn't think you'd notice and/or ask him about it.

Which also tells you something about his mindset. He had to have known you'd notice and know it was him, but he's so secure in the knowledge that you won't actually DO anything about it beyond 'getting mad' or whatever that he figured, whatever. I can listen to her yell and cry if I have to, eventually she'll drop it - aka 'move on'. He doesn't want you to heal, he wants you to rugsweep. And he wants it NOW, because it's a real buzzkill to have to deal with you being so angry and hurt.

Gross.

Taking your phone and deleting the evidence would be enough for me to end it right there. He has already violated and betrayed you in the worst way and has no problem doing it again. I would assume he has not even ended the affair. He thinks he has and will continue to have complete control. Prove him wrong immediately.

Agreed. There's for sure an ulterior motive to him deleting the evidence.
And I think HF hit the nail on the head. It was a protective response, for himself, and his AP.
Most waywards in my experience act protective of their AP, and their A, at least initially. And he's right there in line with that.
He is also hindering your ability to accurately piece together the information. He will gaslight, and convince you that you 'read it wrong', or you 'don't recall it right' etc. And it will without a doubt drive you crazy.
The ONLY way to get solid footing again, is to remove him, or you from the equation. Get distance from him and enforce consequences for his actions. Without consequences, he will do it over and over.
That saying, 'you get more of what you tolerate' is 100% accurate.
It still to this day grinds at me that I didn't make my WH work or earn me back in the beginning.
He should be working his butt off to prove he is worthy of another chance. Anything else, honestly it's just cheater games.
The lying, the trickle truth, the manipulation and convincing you that you reefer it wrong, only dmitting to what you can prove, blaming you for his actions, acting like the victim, protecting his AP, it will all only cause you more trauma.
Please save yourself the extra trauma that a lot of us didn't, and get some distance.

He is trying to control the outcome.
He needs to make a few serious steps to show you he wants to save this relationship.
1. Get his ass into IC.
2. Go get tested for STDs
3. Read how to help your partner heal.

He needs to understand how badly this trauma hurt you. The damage that HE has caused more than once willingly.

If he isn't doing the bare minimum you have nothing to work with, when trying to rebuild.

Nah, there’s red flags all over the place. He wants you to heal on HIS terms. Hearing that he deleted the evidence makes me infuriated on your behalf. "Move on" my ass. He wants you to rugsweep.

Don’t give him any gift of reconciliation unless he’s ready to do a sh!t ton of work on YOUR terms. Including restoring those photos. If he’s in IT, I’m sure there’s a way to restore them, right?

Time to start protecting and taking care of yourself, including changing your passwords and any security codes.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 8:41 PM, Tuesday, October 18th]

Without a doubt, going through her phone, and deleting material, is another betrayal. In my humble opinion, it is worse than the many lies a wayward spews after discovery. HE TOOK SOMETHING THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE EXCLUSIVELY HERS(AGAIN), AND DECIDED WHAT HE THINKS IS BEST. That's beyond manipulation; that is control.

There is NO WAY on Earth that I would sit in another couples counseling session with this person until they have had enough IC to where I thought they made significant change. None.

Jojo -

I'm so sorry reading your updates. Deleting all that from your phone was a scumbag thing to do. It's the continuance of a pattern of violating, deceiving and betraying you. He lacks respect for you. I'm already not a big proponent of reconciliation even in the best of circumstances, your situation is an example of the worst of circumstances.

Finally he was honest and said he had these affairs because he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay in the relationship.

Please believe him. As you say, he finally has display of honesty. He has you currently spinning your wheels and doing couples counseling etc. because he's just too cowardly to end it.

And deleted all evidence of his cheating so that no one will believe you when you tell them the marriage ended because of his adultery. Appearances & reputation are probably important to him. It's how he gets away with manipulating everyone by seeming so nice and non-threatening. In Lundy Bancroft's book he talks about how it can be difficult to spot abusive men because they can be kind and funny and have all these wonderful qualities. But cheating on you, deleting everything from your phone, wanting you to rugsweep what he's done - the "nice guy" act is a facade.

Finally he was honest and said he had these affairs because he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay in the relationship.

This sounds like very typical cheater spin-doctoring. First, he says it was purely NSA sex and that he is happy with everything about you except meeting his sexual needs (which turns out to be a blatant lie, as his emotional/romantic involvment is plentiful). Then, it becomes he cheated because he wasn't sure if he wanted to stay in the relationship. Oh? And what was the point then of having multiple affairs? To make extra double sure? Nope, still unsure, gonna have to cheat a few more times to get clarity, right my guy? But now he's all in on healing and in fact is so committed to fixing the marriage that he kindly deletes evidence of his wrongdoing so that "WE" can move on. Gee, I wonder what happened between his "not knowing if he wanted to stay" to now wanting to heal and move on together. Oh, that's right. You found out.

The only truth you can be sure of is that he did not hold your relationship sacrosanct, and he valued his wants over honoring your bond and giving you agency. This is what you know, and there is currently no reason for you to think he has magically changed since Dday. Anything more that you learn from your partner will not come from his mouth, but his actions. There is no reason to put stock in his words for a long while. Believe them at your own risk. You know how capable he is of lying, spinning, and reframing for his own purposes.

As for the deleting the evidence off your phone, that is just another cowardly example of him choosing his self-interest over honesty and honoring your relationship. He is in damage control mode. There is more (possibly much more) damage to be revealed. Believe his actions, not his words ("I did it so we can move on." Blegh). I would stop couples counseling immediately and tell him that his actions show that he clearly is not interested in honesty and transparency, two elements that are absolutely necessary for your healing. BTW, I generally agree with those that do not recommend couples counseling soon after Dday anyway. Individual counseling for both? Yes. But things usually aren't conducive to meaningful MC in the early stages. Focus on yourself. Encourage him to work on himself, but do not place yourself in a situation (like MC) where he has say in your progress and healing first.

Would also recommend any new evidence you happen upon, back them up to a USB drive. Keep it on your person or with someone you absolutely trust.

Jojorabbit80, I'm very sorry that he's doing this to you. You deserve better.

One of the biggest mistakes many BSs make after Dday is not being able to comprehend the depths to which their WS has or will sink. We think that they're the same person we always knew. Yes, they betrayed us, they hid what they were doing, and they "made bad choices." But we think that's all over when they're exposed. We expect them to be immediately remorseful and resume being the person that we thought they were.

But that misunderstands the truth of the situation. Either they were never the person we thought, or they changed so much that they seem like a completely different person. Maybe a bit of both. The person you are dealing with now will lie and deceive at every turn to try to protect themselves and avoid consequences. If you stand strong and demand to be treated with the love, honesty, respect, and dignity that you are owed as his partner then you may eventually break through the selfishness and narcissism that have engulfed him. Or he may decide the he's not interested in a relationship on those terms and leave. Either way, it can be a win for you as long as you are true to yourself.

Imagine that person you knew and loved a year ago accessing your phone to erase the evidence against themselves. It's probably inconceivable. Consider his reasoning for that. At best it's to enable his gas-lighting and denial. He will deny what you have seen with your own eyes. At worst he's already preparing to leave and he thinks that the evidence could somehow be relevant in a potential action against him.

Please understand that none of this is about you. You didn't cause any of it. Not meeting his supposed "sexual needs" doesn't justify any of it. It's the unmet needs fallacy. Sex is a desire, not a need. If he became impotent would he consider it reasonable for you to sneak around meet your "sexual needs" with another man? Of course not.

Now you know that he is spying on you to try to control the situation. Any device he has access to has probably been checked for evidence of what you know. You should change all of your passwords and be wary that he may have installed software to monitor your activities. Protect yourself and your assets.

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 2:34 PM, Wednesday, October 19th]

In my case, I think my desire went down due to his porn use and going away with no contact for many days and then only short I'm tired, can't talk conversations. I was taken for granted and manipulated. All of it together began to destroy intimacy. I felt used whenever we were together. The happiness went out of it. Then he uses it to blame me for his cheating.

You weren't the reason and maybe if you think back you might see him drifting away emotionally or being more controlling as contributing to your lack of happiness in that regard.

He had a parallel relationship. It wasn't just for sex.

Thank you again everyone for your support. After a week and 3 days since confronting my partner, more of the reality of what has happened has sunk in. I’ve been angrier. I did tell my mom. She’s been super supportive and will support whatever decision I make. I have asked my partner more questions, did find some accounting records that he put together on a spreadsheet for May when he went to Nashville w her. Expenses for expensive dinners, spa massages, and clothing. I asked him directly about the clothing shopping and he said they would go into stores and he would buy her something she would pick out. I also asked him if he bought her any lingerie. He admitted to that. I also asked him if the class he audited was true. He shook his head no. What kills me is I remember being so happy for him almost being done with his masters program and thinking "Finally we can see each other more and start doing things on the weekend again." But then he had a car accident and broke his collarbone. I fucking helped him shower and dress him. This happened in March a few days before he was going to see his cousins in St. Louis- lie. He was actually supposed to go on a trip w her to Florida and stay in a suit w views of the ocean- from a text I remembered they sent. That’s how I kinda knew the affair was at least 8 months. He started this affair the spring after COVID Vaccinations had started ( in winter when I turned 40, I had gotten my first dose in January, he wasn’t eligible till the spring) she is going to school for nursing. He told me that’s when in had begun Spring of ‘21.

You have gotten good advice, get "how to help your spouse heal from your affair", read it. That is what it takes to have a chance at reconciliation, both have to be all in, work hard, and still sometimes it fails. It seems he may not want reconciliation.

Stay strong, take care of yourself, get IC help, see friends and family. This is not your fault, he chose to cheat.