Topic is Sleeping.
kiwilee (original poster member #10426) posted at 11:15 PM on Tuesday, October 25th, 2022
The holding of all the secret knowledge is killing my physical and mental well being. I feel physically sick from this. I can not take another lie. It is lies everyday about his whereabouts, etc. I am ill from it. I have been doing this tracking of him on and off for 5 months and I just can't do it anymore. Holding all this in so I MAY fare better in settlement even though we are in a no fault state? But at what cost to my health which I place a large value on.
He tells me and the kids that he is going out of town and I see him at the bars all day in town and 2 times with OW at night. This is torture for me.
I want to confront him and just file. So what are best ways to confront? Just serve him papers?
This is so agonizing...this pre part, the last bit right before the trigger is pulled. I would rate myself a 1 on a 1-10 scale of well being. And I am fearful that it will even get darker which is hard to comprehend. Is this the worst part of the process or should I buckle in?
Seriously to those who were able to hold secrets and take lies upon lies everyday, I don't know how you did it. I consider myself a strong person. I can not be lied to one more time. I want to scream and feel like I am going to jump out of my skin.
And I am wrecked with what/how to deal the older kids (2 in house). I am praying and praying. The thinking of how all this will go down is the worst. What was your plan and what would you have done differently if you could?
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 1:59 AM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2022
When I was done, I was done. I told XWH that I wanted a D, then we did in-house separation (IHS) until I could move out. Next, it was 180 time. Treated him like a roommate and barely spoke. I kept to my room as much as possible. I got all the paperwork together and we filed uncontested.
You may want to implement the 180. It helps you to get some emotional distance so you can think more clearly. Don't ask where he's going or when he'll be back. If you don't want to hear lies, don't ask questions where you know he will lie to you - or figure that everything out of his mouth is a lie.
If he isn't going to go the uncontested route, then file and have him served.
Life without the cheater is so much better.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 10:30 PM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2022
My situation was very much like leafields in that I knew I was DONE. We were IHS for almost a year with limited contact, I used the grey rock method often and 180 until I finally moved out.
Seriously to those who were able to hold secrets and take lies upon lies everyday, I don't know how you did it. I consider myself a strong person. I can not be lied to one more time. I want to scream and feel like I am going to jump out of my skin.
I felt this way everyday in limbo after False R. I just couldn't shake it and I could never tell whether I was being lied to or not. I believe I lost my mind for a time. The hardest part was getting the nerve to pull the plug. Once you voice that you want to end things and start getting things in motion it gets a little better. When you are finally out it's like coming up for a breath of fresh air. Best freedom I've ever tasted.
fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/8/24
kiwilee (original poster member #10426) posted at 2:02 AM on Thursday, October 27th, 2022
The hardest part was getting the nerve to pull the plug
Yes, this was one of my questions/thoughts. So do you think in the whole process the stage right before I file is the toughest? That is where I am. I know I am done. I am lining things up. I have attorney. I have a few more money things I want tidyed up before pulling the plug. It is unbearable, suffocating, life sucking, etc.
We have very little interaction other than the necessities of living together with older kids- schedule, dinner, chores.
I have voiced that I want to end things. It's crossing over to that final step.
So how did you both move out eventually? It seems like attorneys always say to stay in the house no matter what if you want to keep the house. I wish he would move out, but I know he will not.
When did you tell the kids? And what did you tell your older kids about the IHS?
I just know my body is giving me big clues that I have to get out. Please send me courageous vibes!
Thank you for your responses.
Topic is Sleeping.
