SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Where do I begin... I fell in love.. hard. I thought we were so connected but he was not true. I waited years for my husband to come home. He did a significant amount of time, but I did not care. I just wanted to be with him. I had such high hopes..When he came home he cheated; I knew but tried so hard to act like I did not see the big red signs... I got pregnant with our daughter, I was still in my own little world. Hoping and praying he would come to his senses. I was contacted by a female on social media when I was 8 months pregnant. I blocked her but did ask him. He of course denied it. He then told me he cheated but not with her. I went into early labor due to all the stress. Our daughter was born sick. I spent hours/days in the NICU by my Childs side. He goes to work and is cheating with her. This women was stalking me online. Making fake profiles and sending such horrible messages. He claims he is doing nothing; well he was cheating with her. She was from his past and is very trashy. Sleeping with everyone. I was destroyed. I felt so betrayed and alone. He broke me.. I had a newborn and felt so alone.... Flash forward to 3 years later, I tried to make it work. We got pregnant again, he became distant again. I found him talking to some girl on his phone. Turns out he met her at a hotel and had sex with her. She claims she had a baby that died. The other claimed she was pregnant too. This time,I had my other daughter. She was only maybe 3 months old. I couldn't breathe. I felt my world crashing again. This time I told him we were over. I told him I could not be with a man who took me for granted. I have 2 girls to raise and I just cannot allow them to see their mother treated this way. he apologized asked for another chance and swears he will never do it again.

I feel like every time I get pregnant he finds me unattractive and cheats.. I have done so much for this man and love him so much. But how could he hurt me? I was 8 years faithfully for him to come home. I was all alone while he was incarcerated. I did not cheat on him so what gives him the right to cheat on me? How come he takes me for granted.... I do everything. He passed a comment that I do not get ready anymore... but I am running after 2 kids, taking care of a house, managing finances, cooking , cleaning. I'm not like the trash he finds to sleep with who just care about their looks and spread their legs.... I do not know how to deal with all these emotions. I feel so alone.... I feel like everything we built was worth nothing... his comments to me are always find another man he will cheat more. I told him my next relationship would be with a women. I do not understand his comments or how he could entertain another women. I do not even have a thought of another man... I am so heartbroken.

You need to make a stand for yourself.

You have to get out of infidelity. Your husband is not capable of mantaining a level of respect that you deserve. The man you thought you knew does not exist. You can't continue doing every single thing for him, waiting for the person you thought existed to appear. That person most probably does not exist and it may have never existed.

You have to take a stand and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Get MAD. Get ANGRY. Stand your ground. Don't let people disrespect YOU. You deserve more. You deserve better. There are plenty of people out there that will certainly treat you better and like you deserve.

Get out of infidelity. Make a stand. One way or another you will be better of without that shitshow of pain, despair and uncertanty.

Don't take the words I write as harsh, but on the contrary, find in them the knowledge and experience that may help you understand that these things do happen. People sometimes are not what we thought they were and things can get better - even if we stay away from the people whe though loved us. It is NOT your fault. It NEVER was.

Eat the best you can. Drink plenty of water and exercise whenever you can.

You WILL be ok.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 3:15 PM, Saturday, October 29th]

So sorry, (((Broken Angel)))...

I feel like every time I get pregnant he finds me unattractive and cheats.. I have done so much for this man and love him so much. But how could he hurt me? I was 8 years faithfully for him to come home. I was all alone while he was incarcerated.

You'll find your answer in the book titled "Without consciousness: the disturbing world of the psychopaths among us." by Dr Robert D Hare. You'll even find in one of the chapters YOUR own story word for word! This book is available to read for free on the internet.

This relationship PROBLEM of infidelity is NOT YOU! The PROBLEM is HIM!!!!

The fact that you finally realized that you need to start standing for yourself is enormous! Gather your strength to find a good IC to stop his abuse and start healing YOUR LIFE. As harsh as it sounds, the IC will help you to figure out YOUR need for this kind of unhealthy (?) relationship from its start.

Strength to you!

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 2:34 PM, Saturday, October 29th]

You deserve so much better than a proven unrepentant SERIAl Cheater, convicted felon and liar, please get out of this farce of a M and file for D, don't forget to get tested for STDs/STIs, some potentially serious diseases could remain dormant for years and early detection typically helps treatment.

I'm with Buster on this one. Apparently, the guy did nothing to remediate his poor character while he was in prison, then learned nothing from the pain he caused you by cheating. How much more of your one and only life are you willing to sacrifice? Cheating doesn't just happen and it can't happen to anyone. It happens to people whose actual values are NOT the ones they claim with other people. This guy doesn't share your values. He doesn't believe in fidelity, and honesty, and family, and compassion. He merely gives you lip service to all those things so you'll continue in the role he's assigned to you.

You are a kind and loving person, that shows. But you can't change anyone. None of us can. Don't waste your life on an unrepentant cheater.

((hugs))

ETA: I just wanted to add that normally, I'm not so pessimistic about R, but this guy had eight years to think about the man he wanted to be after he got out. Eight years. I like to believe that anyone can change, but the only possible explanation for having that kind of crisis in your life and all that time to absorb it and then NOT allowing it to change the way you do business is simply not wanting to. That guy has already had his chances, and he CHOSE to be who he is.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:48 PM, Saturday, October 29th]

He cannot love you IF he doesn’t love himself.

You waited years during his incarceration yet he gets out of jail and cheats on you. He’s selfish (at the very least).

He has no respect for you b/c his comments about you finding another guy is just awful.

Get yourself some counseling. For your sake and fir the sake of your children.

Thank you all for the responses. I know how dumb I sound... but I won't be leaving him. I do love him; however he is well aware that if it occurs again I am done. As much as I love him, I know I have put my guards up. He gets upset and says he feels unloved, but how should I feel? My children adore their dad and I myself am still hopeful that the man I fell in love with will come back to me. I know.. dumb right.. a girl can only dream. Now I try to at least workout to give myself some me time and get my pre-baby body back. Thank you for saying I am a caring person. I feel I care too much. I wear my heart on my sleeve which is my biggest weakness. Its so sad that our relationship has come to this. I never thought I had to worry about him... hard lesson learned..

BrokenAngel,

You sound like a very loving and caring Mother and wife. But please, take a very good care of yourself, don't allow your WH to manipulate you. Start valuing yourself for all your positive virtues and personality. Make sure you don't allow him to walk over you, this is exactly what he does and will continue doing. As you wrote:

hard lesson learned

Gently, what exactly did you learn from this relationship?

This time I told him we were over. I told him I could not be with a man who took me for granted.

Once again, gently, and ...YOU stayed. Is he in IC? Is he willing do work very very hard to fix his brokenness and emptiness? By the way, you should consider that IC may not even work and be prepared for this outcome.

he apologized asked for another chance and swears he will never do it again.

What he says is IRRELEVANT! Please go back to previous paragraph. He may even act for some time as faithful husband, but his thought pattern, character, who he really is won't change.

however he is well aware that if it occurs again I am done.

This is irrelevant to him. He already went thru the time once of you catching him in his deceit, lies , disrespect, and irresponsible behavior towards his family and YOU. And he would be able either to hide his behavior even better or manipulate you again as he did this time. He is a master manipulator. You just need to see him for who he is.

You will eventually realize that his behavior is sort of an addiction.

Now I try to at least workout to give myself some me time and get my pre-baby body back.

Great thing to feel good, gain self-confidence, strength. This might become part of your healing process too. BUT, do this for YOU, not to please your WH. Because your looks don't really matter to him beyond maybe some level. Real Marriage is not about great looks and perfect sexual skills. It is about growing / becoming the best version of oneself, learning together, learning from each other with respect, love, care, willing to sacrifice.

I feel I care too much. I wear my heart on my sleeve which is my biggest weakness.

Great point as you identified and know your weakness. The IC can help you to find the ways to make this positive quality your strength without being walked over and manipulated, taken for granted. Another thing you can learn is to see thru people for who they really are and identify "danger". We all at one point or another lived in our own little world of fantasy.

You are young, and loving, caring person. May sound cliche, but you deserve better.

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 2:11 PM, Monday, October 31st]

Another important point:

well he was cheating with her. She was from his past and is very trashy. Sleeping with everyone.

You should be very concerned about your own health! Squeeze STD/STI full panel test into your busy schedule. Demand that he takes STD test too. Don't have sex with him until you know that there is no danger to your health.

Good Luck!

Thank you! I understand... I know that things may not change, but this time I do not have blinders on. Instead I am taking it one day at a time. I started therapy to stop the flooding thoughts. I do feel like I live in emotional torture everyday, which I know is unhealthy. I am working out for myself, not for him. I am trying to gain back my self-confidence and who I was as a person before it was all erased. I know that he may get better at hiding things. As for the STDs I have been tested. He did give me something, that I had cleared up. Unfortunately, I am torn as I know I am not wrong in expecting a man to treat me better, but I also know he did a lot of time inside. Unfortunately, I did not know the extent of time, that is a longer story that I do not want to divulge. I am now finding my worth and working on me. No matter how hard it gets or how he broke me I know there is always light at the end of the tunnel. God will help me get my strength back. I will continue to live life as best as I can for my children. I can only hope he turns his life around but I know I cannot make him. and yes, I know I sound dumb but I really love this man...or well maybe the man he use to be. I dunno. But thank you!

Side note I am not sure how to respond directly to someone here. So I just hit reply to the topic is that correct?

but I won't be leaving him. I do love him; however he is well aware that if it occurs again I am done. As much as I love him, I know I have put my guards up. He gets upset and says he feels unloved, but how should I feel? My children adore their dad and I myself am still hopeful that the man I fell in love with will come back to me.

Again I hate to be blunt but as others mentioned, he's heard those threats before, you stayed and he continues to cheat, like I said before he's a proven serial cheater and liar, he's also a convicted felon who did hard time in prison, you as well as your children deserve so much better, he's been playing russian roulette with your health, you and your children deserve a reliable partner/parent a role model but he has failed that test miserably over and over again.

So far you haven't mentioned anything he's done other than repeating the same empty promises he said all the other times he's cheated, I suggest you get off the "merry go round" and dump him but you seem hell bent on "not leaving him because you love him", heck at least don't take him back so quickly, again he hasn't done much if anything at all for you to take such a massive risk, listen love is simply not enough, look at your member number we've literally seen similar stories play out countless of times here on SI and other forums, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script, please value yourself more and get out of infidelity.

Although I appreciate your response. It is ultimately my decision. Some people may take a different stand, but I actually took my power back the last time. I have never told my husband I would leave him until recently. Yes, I am still here. Yes he is trying here and there, but I am so flooded with emotion. I was raised by Italians, which if you know anything about them they unfortunately have a gang of mistresses and divorce is a big No No; that being said my dad always said never let a man disrespect you. Unfortunately I have failed in that category. But Lately, I have been finding a new strength. It may be easy to others to fully disconnect but we have been together for 12 years and have 2 kids. I am not the same person I once was. So he has definitely seen a change and I am starting to set more boundaries.. just taking it one day at a time. I have always been loyal to a fault; so I guess this is my way of dealing with it. just right now I am looking for support in dealing with the flooding and hoping to get some inspiration from others. I will definitely not be accepting any more bad treatment from him and he is fully aware. Which he can take with a grain of salt or not. In the end, it will just be his loss. not mine.

In the end, it will just be his loss. not mine.

BrokenAngel, Really? He'll just find another victim, and the circle continues.

No one argues that the decision is solely yours. It is for you to decide how you want your Marriage to be. But you have no real Marriage whatsoever.

I am so flooded with emotion.

Again, the decision is purely yours. You either accept infidelity and deal with it mentally and emotionally, or you leave infidelity. You only leave it via R or D. No other way around.

I was raised by Italians, which if you know anything about them they unfortunately have a gang of mistresses and divorce is a big No No

Again, this is your choice to live with this belief system. You'll eventually see the results of this kind of belief system. Maybe magic happens and your WH miraculously becomes the best version of himself, loving, caring and faithful husband.

Yes he is trying here and there

What does this really mean???

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 1:25 AM, Tuesday, November 1st]

Although I appreciate your response. It is ultimately my decision. Some people may take a different stand, but I actually took my power back the last time. I have never told my husband I would leave him until recently. Yes, I am still here. Yes he is trying here and there, but I am so flooded with emotion. I was raised by Italians, which if you know anything about them they unfortunately have a gang of mistresses and divorce is a big No No; that being said my dad always said never let a man disrespect you. Unfortunately I have failed in that category.

Of course it's ultimately your decision, It has always been your call and always will. Listen I understand you're flooded with emotions after such brutal betrayals but I think you owe it to yourself to at least consider a different path this time and not just get back with him without even the bare minimum and basic fundamentals for a successful R that have stood the test of time, you've given him way more chances than most cheaters get, again this is of course up to you, only you can decide for yourself.

I know you had high hopes while waiting for him a long time (8 years ?) to get out of prison and expected things to be different this time, but the fact is they were not, you have already invested a lot of time waiting for him to step up to the plate, to change his cheating ways and become a better person/husband, yet you keep getting betrayed in return, please don't fall into a "sunk coast fallacy" situation, right now your WH is simply not a good candidate for R, not even close by a very long shot, a successful R takes a lot of work for years with a very remorseful WS doing the heavy lifting and all the necessary work both internally and externally, and frankly based on what you posted you simply don't have that, your children need a at least one stable and healthy parent with them (that's you), he's proven time and time again he's not reliable and has put your health at risk. I wish you luck.

I do love him

The biggest disservice that society does is to propagate the myth that love conquers all. It doesn't. The thing I took away from my first marriage is that one person can love enough or work hard enough for both. While history is not a guarantee of future results, it is predictive. Your WS has shown what he is multiple times. Believe him. Someone who cheats while the mother of his kids is pregnant isn't a good father and certainly isn't a worthy husband. He disrespected you and your family. You and your kids deserve better.

[This message edited by grubs at 2:38 AM, Tuesday, November 1st]

My husband is full-blooded Italian. (Grandparents came over on the boat.) And no one in his family condones cheating. Let's not paint one nationality with such a broad brush.

Yes, it is your choice whether or not you stay with this man. You may have been "together" for 12 years, but you've really only been with him for four. Eight of those years he was in prison.

Please think about your little girls and what you're teaching them about love and commitment. When one of your daughters (or both) is with a serial cheater that disrespects them and whatever family they have, will you counsel them to stay as long as the men say the right words? How much pain can you endure? At what point is enough enough?

I really hope you stick around here, I have a feeling you're going to need this group sooner rather than later.

I’ve read through all the posts.

BrokenAngel12, we have all been down the same road you are on. The initial devastation and emotional pain a betrayed suffers is horrific.

We know you are doing your best right now. Please stick with therapy to get some professional advice that is there to support you.

As I stated in my prior post, if the person doesn’t love himself it will be hard to love you and give you the respect and emotional support you deserve.

Just know the cheater isn’t cheating because of you. They are cheating despite you - you are a good person who has been loyal and kind. It’s unfortunate the cheater doesn’t honor that. You certainly deserve better.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:18 AM, Tuesday, November 1st]

How many times will you say you are done?

He will continue to cheat because its in his nature. Serial cheaters cant stop. Its close to being a fact. The next time he meets a carefree attractive woman who will easily spread her legs...it wont stop him. He doesnt have the will power or any respect for his wife (YOU) and the children. Yes you have been with him for 12 years but like some people have said, 8 of the years you have really been on your own in this marriage. Does it really count? He has come out now and hes free. He wont let you tie him down. He will continue to put you and the family at the risk of STDs.

At the end of the day it is completely your choice to stay with this serial cheater but most of us will say the same thing. He will not change! He is the problem. Not you. You have your freedom to do what is best for your daughters. They need a strong role model who will not let a man like him walk all over and disrespect their mum.

You seem lovely and caring...someone who i used to be. But not anymore. I will not be blind to the situation i am. You are clearly not confident in yourself. Youre beautiful and you need to start believing it. Every flaw you see whether its from having a child or being pregnant is part of your life journey and your life experiences and these should build your confidence.

Do you think he cheats on you because youre unattractive? Quite the opposite. He cheats because he is the unattractive one. His character is unattractive. This has nothing to do with you and the way you feel. He is a selfish human being and he doesnt care about anyone else but himself. He will continue to seek for validation from strangers and woman. Its his weakness.

Do you really want to live the rest of your life knowing that every he steps out of the house for a couple of hours or in the evening...he is cheating because most likely he is.
will you be ok with that?

Just like him. You have a choice in life. Either continue to be with a serial cheat or be the strong independent woman you can be and set yourself free from before youre 100* years old and still in the same position you are today.

but I won't be leaving him. I do love him; however he is well aware that if it occurs again I am done.

It will occur again and since you have never stood behind your words in the past and given him consequences, he knows you aren't going anywhere.
I am sorry to sound harsh, but you continue to support his cheating by not standing up for yourself and your kids.
He's using you and you continue to put up with his abuse.
Like the other posters have said, you deserve so much more than he's capable of giving you.

I also know he did a lot of time inside. Unfortunately, I did not know the extent of time,

You say you don't want to divulge why he was in prison,which is fine. But I'm confused as to how you didn't know how much time he spent in prison. Did you not know him before he went to prison? Were you not in a relationship with him when he went to prison?

WHY he was in prison speaks a lot to who he is,as a person.

Since dday,what,exactly, work is he doing to become a safe partner? Being nice,or more loving,and helping around the house, and with the kids, doesn't change who he is. He is still wayward. Doing all of those things are all things every adult male,in a relationship, should be doing. So,aside from those things, what is he doing?

He was cheating on you while pregnant. That is one of the lowest times to cheat on your wife. You can pass on an std that can greatly harm the unborn child. Its risking the life of not only the mother,but the unborn baby. Add in,he was cheating while you were visiting your daughter in the NICU?

Gently..what do you love about this man? You don't have to answer. But..think about it. THIS IS WHO HE IS. What do you love about him?

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:25 PM, Tuesday, November 1st]