SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wonderful updates, JSG! I’m happy for you.

Well, I guess a quick update is in order. Things are going well, even better really. We are growing closer and really seem to be a good match in many ways. She has all of the core qualities that are important to me: kindness, empathy, honesty, emotional maturity, drive, loyalty, etc. Plus, I find her very, very attractive.

We are still in the honeymoon phase, so I'm being realistic, but we have started to do some "normal life" stuff together, which I think is a good test of our compatibility. We worked together putting in a dog run on her property, and I found that we worked well together, so that's a plus. It's funny. We've been dating 3+ months, and have yet to watch a movie or turn on the TV even. I'm not a TV watcher, but we just spend our evenings walking or talking as the hours slip by. Another plus, as I like good conversations.

On a side note, as some of you are aware, I live in a smallish city with only one country bar where we can go to dance. For a time, I avoided going so as to minimize the times I had to see my EXWW. She really does have a disposition that can turn milk sour. Well, I eventually returned because I loved dancing and that is how I met my GF, so we both continue to go. This has had the added dividend of driving my EXWW crazy as she gets to see us dancing and smiling. My GF even commented that my EXWW is looking even more miserable these days.

Me, I'm just focused on the moment and living the best, authentic life I can. One thing thatvreally struck me about my GF is here reaction to a night out together. I guess I was really tired or maybe something was bothering me subconsciously, but I was just not feeling it that night. Anyway, she sensed something was off and said that we should just go home. That's it. She didn't pout or fume or give me shit for ruining her night, but instead chose to hold space with me. What a difference between this and my previous experiences. Another plus.

Enjoying your updates, JSG! It's wonderful to hear you are getting along so well and living in the moment.

Quick update: so, it's going on four months and no red flags yet. As I mentioned earlier, we did our first weekend away and she met my best friend. All good.

I pay attention to things and watch closely for any indication that there might be an issue. Not is a weird way, but just keeping my eyes open. If infidelity has taught me anything, it's that people are one way until they stop. No guarantees.

Rather than lack of red flags, I've noticed many, many high quality traits with her. Simply put, she seems to be a person of very good character. Again, we are both givers and so I find it very unusual being with someone who genuinely desires what is good for me. My EXWW was a taker, so I'm trying to reprogram my thinking.

So all-in-all, good things...

Thanks for the great update! So happy for you!

Great update, JSG. So glad things are going so well.

Really appreciate the updates JSG! Keep em coming 😊

Well, my sojourn into the world of romance and relationship has come to an end. I got "the talk" last night. She felt that she needs to figure herself out and take time to work on things. I respect that and we will remain friends.

I knew that we only had a small chance of the relationship working out as this was her first post S kick at it. I went in eyes open and realistic, so I'll be fine.

I think she may have been taken aback by my calm demeanor during the conversation, but after the shitshow of infidelity, a breakup is minor. I'm sad and disappointed, but not heartbroken by any means.

One thing about being in a relationship I have learned is that they are time consuming. I must confess that there is a small part of me that is relieved that I get to have more time to myself again. Maybe my life as a bachelor has made me a wee bit selfish.

So, for the time being, I think I'm done with dating. I'm moving into a busy year and will just relish the freedom. Thanks to all who went along with the updates.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 2:49 AM, Thursday, August 24th]

Sounds like a good, heathy communication between you with honesty and kindness. Breakups suck, but as they go, this was a good one.
Glad you have a good outlook and hope that you have some nice memories as a souvenir.

I know our biology pushes us toward romantic relationships, but there is a lot to be said for being single. You are going to have many more adventures. Good luck to you.

Sorry about the breakup, JSG. I'm glad you're feeling ok about it.

I'm still going to look for updates on what you are doing.

I’m sorry, JSG. I was surprised to read this update, but then again, not really surprised. Relationships are a challenge. Glad your eyes were wide open, and I completely understand the sense of relief. I’ve had that same feeling once or twice. I like my Bleep time. Life is busy and doesn’t afford me much of that!

Enjoy your solo time, keep yourself centered, and keep on keeping on.

Justsomeguy, Sorry to see your NB romantic roller coaster drop from euphoric happiness to getting "the talk" and I just hope you are not sad about that...I am disappointed but somehow not surprised....butnow you have introduced her to your friends, met her mother...sheesh. Sorry my friend.

As I reread your prior posts, sort of unbelieving this latest news, I wondered if that night out a month ago you posted where you felt "off" was some kind of turning point for her? Just seems so sudden.

Well, another update...

She came by to grab her stuff and we went for a long walk. I asked her questions about the whole leadup to the talk, and she told me that she was feeling very overwhelmed with all that was going on in her life and felt like she had no "her time" to process and decompress. I totally understand as "me time" is built into my life at this stage.

I asked why she didn't talk to me about this, as I have and would be understanding. Having gone through the process myself, I get it. As I dug, I uncovered some fears in her ability to self-advocate (foo stuff) and the need to not be a burden to others. This is significant stuff IMHO, but not insurmountable.

She then changed her tone and tone and I could see that she was regretting her approach to her misgivings, having wished she would have spoken to me. She assumed I was angry, but I wasn't, since she did treat me with honesty and respect.

So to make a long story short, we are going to continue to explore our connect, albeit in a dialed back way. I outlined my expectations on exclusivity and honest communication. I also told her that I was in no way interested in an on again, off again relationship.

Now here is the problem. I have become less open and more cautious towards her, as I know human nature in ways I did not as a young man. Talk is cheap and people say all sorts of shit, even to themselves. So I'm going to throttle back and put a lookout on the bow and I navigate these new waters...

That's an interesting development, JSG. Adulting is hard. I'd put a lookout on the bow, too. The old mantra, watch actions, can be helpful here, too.

Well that seems to be a clue, to what exactly, I can't say. I agree that you will want to observe and not be blindsided by erratic attachment issues someone may have. It sounds like the "come here-go away" push-pull dynamic that is quite common.

Have you ever taken an attachment style quiz online? Basically in our relationships, there are a couple patterns of insecure or anxious attachment styles versus a secure attachment style. These patterns, formed in childhood, tend to stay consistent throughout life, researchers think. So, assuming her explanations are genuine and not a screen for some other explanation, your GF may be experiencing some kind of fear of closeness, or fear of taking a step towards a more committed relationship. That could be a natural consequence of past heartbreak, or it could be how she's always been, but you can't be sure at this point. I can attest that fear of closeness is a huge factor that messes with relationships!

I did think that she moved to connect with you awfully quick - and so now she's got cold feet? The swing between over-intimate and withdrawing from intimacy could be a pattern....food for thought.

Thanks for the input Superesse.i will look into the quiz.

Sitting in my popcorn seat watching all of my temporarily single friends pair up while I remain single over these past few years, I can see a few things most (not all) have in common.

1. When people go into a new relationship wanting the person to be 'the one' while ignoring little incompatibilities through the newfound Euphoria, they start to bond. Then they create this attachment that makes the obvious (not good together), so difficult and terribly sad to admit. Some just stay together and some-what miserable because of this new attachment, which makes it even more difficult going forward because new memories are made together etc.

Your initial break-up was real, and it's worth the sadness of getting through it. This new thing you two discussed - I would be cautious it's not that new developing attachment, because it will keep growing and hurt worse later.

2. These people are NEVER truly single, because they fear it. Which makes sense because society and our physical desires tell us to pair up. In truth, I personally have never been more excited about life. There is a shift that happened where I went from feeling the need almost desperately to pair up, to being so comfortable being 'single' I 'fear' losing that to a less-than relationship. (probably it's own form of dysfunction but far less stressful than than the alternative in my mind)

Not sure where you are on this, but if she is there in the peripheral, you won't get to understand single, which maybe you don't want to. But if you do, you actually have to be single.

Good luck on your next move! It is so hard making these decisions! I think those of us who were betrayed get very attached at least on a friend level and don't like to say goodbye.

Thanks Anna! I appreciate your comment.

I've been single for 3.5+ years, so I found myself pretty comfortable on my own. In fact, I had almost resigned myself to singlehood for the rest of my life. As a result, I've adopted a take it or leave it attitude in someway.

I do recognize that I have had, and maybe continue to have some attachment issues, but maybe recognizing that helps me compensate? I have no idea.

I am going to spend some time thinking about your post though... it really helps to have a variety of perspectives.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 12:42 AM, Thursday, September 7th]

Anna touched on that desire we have after a major relationship ends, not to waste even more time. We can hope THIS one will be The One. It's too tempting to ignore discrepancies we don't want in a long-term partner, as we consider the new relationship against all the years we've already lost.

Delicate balance, this New Beginning dance.