SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How can I feel like I am making personal progress and then slip up? I'm so mad at myself.

The other night I got caught in a lie. I got questioned and I tried to hide my action. He said he knew I was lying and then I immediately tried to own it. That I lied and fessed to what I was doing. I apologized and gave him space. I talked to my therapist about it a few days later.

The lie was over porn watching. He watched me through the bedroom window. He then questioned me about it once inside but I tried to hide it at first. (I don't have a porn or sex addiction- I hardly ever watch porn and I used to give him a hard time about it).

This is just another case in the fact that he will never trust me. That what little credibility I did have just went out the window. That when I think I am making progress on being an honest, confident, open person, I just prove myself wrong. He deserves somebody better.

So I talked to my therapist. My lies are based on shame. If I am honest, if I expose the real me, nobody will like me. I don't really lie to others mostly my husband. I was raised to lie about things from my childhood. I've learned to hide things that I am ashamed of. If the one person I love and want to love me knows the true me, he probably won't like me.

I'm so mad at myself for not using this opportunity to be upfront on what I was doing, for not doing the right thing, for not proving that I have really changed.

[This message edited by kccalifornia at 5:42 AM, Friday, November 25th]

I'm not sure how to remove the stop sign in front of my post. I don't mind who responds to the post, even non wayward.

We removed the Stop Sign for you

One way that I had to reframe things for myself was that I was telling the truth for my own peace of mind as much as for my BH.

I can't describe how freeing it is to not have anything left to hide. If you're still concealing past lies, you will never experience that freedom. Someone who tells even 99% of the truth is still a liar. That weight is still there. But when you give up everything and let go of the outcome -- don't get me wrong, it's terrifying. You have no power left. You feel vulnerable in a way you never have before. But then you start to realize: you were already carrying that weight, that terror, that sense of vulnerability. You were convincing yourself not to look at it, but it was there, influencing you in so many ways and leading you to do more and more things that added to the burden.

And then gradually it comes to you that you are actually more powerful than you have ever been. You are no longer unencumbered by maintaining the lies of your former self. You aren't held hostage by fear of discovery. It's all out there. This creates a seismic shift in your behavior, because you want to keep that freedom. Every time you're faced with the temptation to do something stupid, or create a new deception, you think: I will have to tell my BS that I did this. There is no "if they find out." They're GOING to find out, because losing my newly created integrity would eat me alive and destroy their trust and ruin everything I've been working towards. So there's no "if." Just when and how. Knowing that, do I want to perform this action or tell this lie? And the price of whatever stupid thing you're contemplating comes into sharp relief.

I don't think anyone can white knuckle their way through a long term change in behavior. You need to get to where you want honesty for yourself.

One way that I had to reframe things for myself was that I was telling the truth for my own peace of mind as much as for my BH.

This..... Not facing up to your own truth cannot lead to you fully owning up to BS. In everything. I fully understand the need or compulsion to lie. I struggle with it. It is a constant battle. "Have you put the bins out?" "Yes!" (runs to the back gate and grabs the bins and puts them out). A lie. Stopping this is REAL hard work. I've lied pretty much all my life. To BS, to work colleagues, to family, you name it, I've lied.

When you're happy with your timeline (write on if you have not yet done so) then show this to BS. The get the polygraph. They are not hugely expensive (£300 to £500 in the UK, I guess similar in the US). Cost really should not be an issue if you're genuinely wanting to save your relationship.

Keep posting and keep asking questions to us fellow waywards. Even the ones like myself who have not got there yet, can offer support and advise. Especially in what NOT to do.

Other posters have addressed the aspect of the lie.

I’m going to address what the lie was ABOUT.

You know, there used to be a time when watching porn and masturbation was a private activity, and it was entitled to remain as such. Now, it seems, everyone is expected to announce to their spouse that they do it, WHEN they do it, and more often than not are shamed for it.

I am not going to debate the ethics of pornography with anyone. We are all entitled to our own opinions about that. All I’m saying is it will be a cold day in hell before I report to my spouse if or when I consume (non-interactive) porn or masturbate, and if he’s going to be a creepy Peeping Tom watching me through the fucking window to catch me in a "gotcha!", then he’s the one with the issues. WTF.

I already feel terrible for the lie and dirty for even watching it. It's the cherry on top that he finds what I was watching as disgusting.
I am not one to watch porn regular but I feel I had a good reason for it at the time. (We were sexting on his way home from work and I wanted to make sure I was very ready for him at home). I'm ashamed. But I'm more ashamed that I lied instead of just saying what I was doing.

I thought I was doing really good with being honest. But I guess deep down I still need to work on being okay with just being the honest me. Whether he likes it or not.

You say you had good reason to watch it because you were getting ready, but were sexting with him before he came home.

Maybe I do not understand others or I am just very different, but if you were sexting, wouldn't that had made you "ready?" If you need to watch porn to prep yourself for sex with your husband, I view this as problematic. Unless he is okay with it but clearly he is not.

So you need to get down to the root of that, if you are not sexually aroused by your partner and you cheated, I would consider you bring this up to your therapist. Not only is the lying an issue, but your reasoning for your behavior can become an issue.

Think of your betrayed spouse. You had an EA, trying to reconcile, he feels like you are not doing enough. He finds out you watch porn to prepare yourself to have sex with him then lie to him about it, how do you think that makes him feel? Rejected again and thought of as not good enough. At least that is how I would feel. I can start to see why you have not made much progress in your reconciliation.

Rejected again and thought of as not good enough

This would be a slap in the face. He's pissed because I lied. But I can see how I let him down in this way again too. I don't want to make him feel like that ever again!

I am sexually attracted to him but I wanted to be extra aroused that night. It wasn't because he doesn't do it for me.

I am sexually attracted to him but I wanted to be extra aroused that night. It wasn't because he doesn't do it for me.

While I can't, nor will I ever be able to speak as a WS, dont feel the need to defend yourself on this one, but only when it comes to the watching porn part. I've been married 26 years, and at any given time my wife and I have our hands all over each other, if we are home alone that is, we're like newlyweds in that department still. That said, neither of us have an issue with non-interactive porn, and neither of us can understand the twisted knickers of so many people who freak over it. So there is clearly no desire issues with us, on either side and if she hits a channel that has some porn on it, usually soft core, it takes her usually very warm libido level and pushes it up a notch (I dont complain) and at no point would THAT be seen as lacking desire for me or her needing it to desire me. You are absolutely normal in that regard. Many people do exactly what you did, porn is no different than lingerie, role playing or a sex toy drawer.

Its not always easy to work around shame (though watching porn should cause you none whatsoever) and yes, people tend to lie to cover it but you know you can't do that.

Not sure if that helps any, but I thought you should know theres no shame in porn.

[This message edited by LegsWideShut at 3:42 AM, Tuesday, November 29th]

Just for clarity, was your husband upset you were looking at porn or that you lied?

If it was the porn, did you all have an agreement with regard to that kind of stuff that you violated?

And for my recollection, you didn't just have an Emotional Affair (EA), but you actually were found to have kissed the other man, correct?

[This message edited by faithfulman at 11:59 PM, Wednesday, November 30th]