SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all

I have been reading through posts in this group for the past few days now. It has helped me feel, how should i put this..not so alone, in the pain and mixed feelings from the emotional roller Coaster i am currently on.

Not that anyone should ever be in this situation of course!!

So where do I begin...

Me and my partner met 3 years ago

When I got with my partner, she had a beautiful, 8 months old baby girl, from her previous relationship.

He was a deadbeat dad,to this day, he doesn't even know her date of birth or anything. He has never had any interest whatsoever in taking on his responsibilitys as a farther.

This is where i stepped in..
I took on responsibility of this beautiful little girl who is my daughter.

Going in hands on from the start, (no previous children)
I was scared, some what skeptical as this was all new to me but it remained in my mind that I was gonna do my best, along side my partner, to help raise this little girl that had an unfortunate waste of space for a dad.

I have raised her since she was around 8 months old and we have an unbreakable bond that we have developed together over the course of mine and my now ex fiancées relationship.

Like most relationships, we had our up and downs along the way, but we got through it together as couples do.

We've always been able to talk about anything together, or so i thought..but now I'm left second guessing every detail of my relationship and who my fiancee really was. Was it all a mask?

Like other relationships we had arguments but we normally managed to resolve them between us and run our daily home life.

It was About 9 months into our relationship, my partner decided on asking me to move in.
I was living in really poor accommodation at the time, I occupied a room in a cheap,run down bedsit with no cooking facilities, shared utilities and a grotty single bed in a cold room.

I took her up on her offer and moved in. We shared a lovely home together, I painted the whole house for her, from top to bottom about a year after moving in.
We decided it was needing to feel more like home for us and after everything was done it was perfect. We had our home!!

A few months after we ended up breaking up after a argument.I left the house a few days later, maybe a week or so, we got back in touch and wanted to settle our differences out and rekindle the relationship...BUT then she came out with it, she had slept with her ex, the day after breaking up and I had moved out. I never imagined it would happen. It was a complete slap in the face, how could someone who claimed to love me, just jump into bed with another man?Especially an ex.

I was so confused and broken, I also played a wrong part here though. i felt so betrayed by it i thought at the time with my own cloudy judgement, that i should get her back (never good I know now) I slept with someone else too. Something I regret deeply.

I never knew about truth trickling, until I came across this site. Now I look back, I can see I was being given bits of Information and not whole truth in regards to her situation. Even to this day I don't know if it was ever the truth, I told mine right from the start. I felt so guilty and horrible.

This was a heavy burden for a long time in our relationship. Maybe this is where it all started to go wrong.

I took it very badly as did she. We still wanted to save our relationship, so we decided on couples counselling to work through it together and to try make our relationship work.
It took us ten months of counselling before I could come to accept everything that has happened myself. I couldn't touch her intimately for the whole time either. I struggled to accept the love of my life, had stepped outside what we had but then i had to? Some could technically say we weren't together at the time but that don't make the pain Any less hurtful.

We eventually got to a better place in our relationship and love life so we tried to moved on from this situation. We managed to get back to our normal life of the home the children and the norm.

A little bit later we decided we wanted to add another addition to our little family.
We discussed it all properly before and we also made sure financially, it was possible in what was our then circumstances.
We not only wanted this magical experience for us as parents, to add a new addition but we wanted our daughter to have a sibling to grow up along side too.

A few weeks later, after shall we say a few failed attempts on the tests and my partner about ready to give up I told her to be patient, when the time is right it will happen.

Christmas eve 2020

One magic day I'll always remember!!!

We chose for some reason, to have a try on the test again..

We done one and it was positive!!!

I don't think I have ever wanted to see another test done so fast to confirm, those minutes waiting seemed like forever...

It was another positive!!
As excited as we were we didn't wanna celebrate till we got the proper confirmation from the doctor. We went and hoorrayyy we were actually having a baby.

After having our son, we were plodding along, with the usual stressors of family life, a new baby and the relationship. We did have more stress as any couple does.

Fast forward a bit later and we ended up n another break. Then again she had another man around the house, (only recently found out after bumping into him and he came out with it) At the time when we tried again to rekindle, she had blocked someone on Snapchat.
When i asked about it, she shrugged it off, said simply someone she didn't know, kept trying to add her and she had blocked them. Again, I choose to believe it, so we carried on the relationship.

Other week I found out that this apparent add on Snapchat was the person in question im about to go jnto detail about. they had been talking to each other for a week before him going to our house.

I don't think this guy is the type of guy to just jump into bed with a woman. Plus, he came straight out with it when I bumped into him that he had been down our house, saying he had a few cups of tea and then left early hours. I didn't ask to initiate that conversation, I did tho ask if they had slept together and he promised they hadn't. What I have trouble accepting is if this was true, why did she hide the fact that he came down hmmmm...

We eventually ended up rekindling but with the current situation im in which I'm about to explain in a minute, I am now wondering if there's more, I don't know about here too, on this break I talk about above.

After rekindling we have had a new stressor for the last few months, being social services in our life's. Had to move out as they were complaining i had a past of drugs and didnt want me round my children ..WHAT!!!!

since then everything has gone,fallen apart and this is now why I am here, to explain the last bit of my painful story.

I have been living in a hostel since, fighting to get home and she has too, doing the same from her end ..fighting to get Me home.

2 weeks ago i received a text from my partner out the blue to say just had to give Joe blogs (changed guys name) some backy. Hmm random okay, but I proceeded to asked why.

She told me that he had walked past ur house asking for some ( he knew me ) then she gave him some, he asked how i was and that it.
What she forgot to tell me funnily enough, was that he got her number. I only found this out a few days later, when I was sat with her and he messaged.

Straight away I asked who it was at the same time, she was making our sons bottles and she got funny and said "I'm making the bottles" totally letting what I just asked go over here head.

My suspicions grew. I left the house not wanting to speak to her in that present time. Next day she did what I transpire now, to be a serious of messages to him, making it look like she had told him to leave her alone and blocked him.

A couple days later I was arrested at the family home, for a probation breach. while I was locked up in custody, the children had been temporarily moved out of our home, for the weekend by social workers.

Instead of her going to spend the weekend with the children, while they were in temporary care, she disapered for the weekend!! didn't see the kids, she threw all her priorities out as a mother, to spend the weekend behind my back with another man. This is not her at all. Being arrested don't mean the relationship ship is over. She would never leave the kids for so long.

After being released from custody she has blocked me, told the social workers to stop Me going to the house and could possibly now be with him.

I feel so hurt like we've spent ages to keep the family together fighting with advocates and social workers to get back together and now suddenly this?

As we are only engaged I don't know if I can post here?

I need some support right now. I feel so lost and hurt. I don't understand the situation and I can't talk to her.

My heart breaks of the thought of her being with him and I think maybe part of it, is because he's better than me.

My partner has always said she likes skinny guys, like me (a twiglet) but this guy is ripped and has muscles, abs etc. maybe it's all just been an illusion she always told me she hated that yet here she is.

I did use to want to go to the gym and get muscle but she always told me not to. It makes no sense.

She asked the social workers for no contact from me, I'm left in the dark which makes it even more painful and confusing.

The person I loved and cherished was maybe just a mask?
Maybe it's stress related?
Or maybe the relationship was a lie and she's just a serial cheat.

I hope my post makes sense for anyone reading it, I struggle with literacy and bringing sentences together so hope I don't sound to silly!

Thank you for reading.

P

Get a family lawyer.

Your ex's infidelity is the least of your problems at the moment.

You need to focus on straightening your life out. Stop doing drugs, stop dealing drugs, and resolve all of your outstanding legal problems. Get gainful employment. If you want to see your son again, you need to be able to prove that you're a safe parent.

Rekindling your relationship with your ex should be very low on your list of your priorities.

We understand your pain. But I agree with the others. You need to clean your life up and take control of your life. When you have that, then you will be able to have a healthy relationship with someone else— child, adult, doesn’t matter. Until then, you need to become your own best friend and get clean.
You were only with her for three years and look at all that drama. It sounds like a bit of a toxic relationship from the get go. Not that you didn’t care for each other, but you didn’t work well together.

It’s a long road and I hope you do the work. It will not be easy and you will feel pain— but that’s okay.It’s not permanent. Let the feeling be and focus on you. Just get to the other side.

Best of luck.

Thank you for your honest replies
Maybe I should have been a bit clearer, as I haven't and wouldn't sell drugs.

By saying drugs in my post, I was referring to cannabis. I am on a medicinal prescription. Which is why it can't be used again me by SS. Anyone that's had an unfortunate circumstance In life, that's led to social worker involvement, will know that they try to bend the rules.

My past use of "drugs" has only ever been cannabis, to alleviate anxiety.

my priorities are definitely in order too, my children have always come first. I have been working with my advocates to get things in order To maintain contact with my children.

I guess I just needed a vent and somewhere where I could talk to people, a place that is also private.

Our relationship hasnt always been the best, like any other but we worked at it as best we could.

Its difficult me and her can't speak as she's the only one who can answer my questions, I get that.

Brother I'm sorry you're here, but I agree with others, listen she's gone, the last thing you want to do now is wait on her or try to get an explanation from her, she's with another man now and doesn't want you around her house, I suggest you DNA the second child and/or contact a family attorney for custody purposes if need be. She's a cheater and a liar, get life together and finish your probation period without going back to jail, focus on yourself and your life ahead, she's NOT worth another minute of your time, also don't forget to get tested for STDs.

I'm glad you've been proactive in getting visitation with your children. I will say, that the fact your are not your daughter's biological father may make it very difficult for you to be able to see her. I say this because your ex seems to be cutting you out and this could be another way to do so. Keep pushing and do everything your advocates say!

Yes, relationships take work. Looking at it from the outside, BarelyBreathing is right when she said that you two didn't work well together. The fact your ex hooked up with guys pretty much immediately upon your breakups leads one to believe that she was probably talking to them way before you left. You leaving was just the green light to hook up with them. It's harsh, but chances are it is true.

One last thing, you say that it's hard because you can't talk to her and she's the only one who can answer your questions. I know it's hard, but you need to understand that she isn't going to answer your questions. On the off chance she does, she won't answer truthfully. Don't worry about your ex or getting the answers. You know enough. She abandoned her children for a weekend fuck fest instead of making sure they weren't alone or scared after being taken from their parents and home. Why would you want to be with someone who could do that to their own children?!

This isn't easy, but you will get through it. Stay focused and take care of yourself. Make sure you are exercising and eating healthy. Meditation could help with anxiety, as well as exercising.

Based on your ex's history, it seems she has a pattern: hook up with a guy, get pregnant, find a replacement, ditch the guy, repeat.

To reiterate what others have already said, your relationship sounds like a train wreck and it's truly for the best that it has to come to an end. Perhaps the demise of your relationship will be the impetus that you need to start making better life choices... because your son need at least one parent who is safe and reliable.

Unfortunately, even though you're close with your ex's daughter, you can't access her without your ex's permission because she's not biologically yours and you never legally adopted her. It's also worth noting (as Buster said) that you might want to consider getting your son DNA tested before you go down the long road of trying to obtain visitation. It might not matter to you because you've already established a relationship with him, but based on your ex's history of cheating throughout your relationship, you can't be certain that he's yours.

Do you have any stable and reliable people (friends or family members) that you can lean on for support?