SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It is now coming up on exactly six months since the day my fWW confessed that she had indulged herself by participating a ten or twelve month long physical and emotional
affair with her immediate Emergency Room supervisor, the senior Surgical Resident doctor at the Southern California hospital where, she, a fairly new RN, worked, also revealing that the child she gave birth to during this period was not from my loins, but the progeny of her AP. All this occurred fifty years ago, but the pain wss as real and visceral as if she had slipped into his bed just weeks or a few months ago. The lapse of time in no way mitigates or diminishes the deep hurt of betrayal. She also confessed to two walks on the wildside, longer than ONS's, but of a few days or a couple of weeks duration, which were purely recreational sex in nature.
We are both in IC, we are on the threshold of reconnecting in a better way, and I have reached a state of acceptance in my mind as to the reality of what she did, what her choices were, and the fallout as it affects both of us.
I I suppose I should be feeling more secure perhaps in a happier place or at least more content than I was six months ago, however my principal emotion is one of great loss, deep sadness And disappointment. It's almost as if I have been hollowed out and every other emotion Taken from me I can't imagine being joyful again. Triggers above and I never know when I'm going to come across one. Old photographs from fifty years ago both during her pregnancy and after her delivery and also the ones of the young baby and toddler growing up just leave me feeling exhausted in my sadness and bring back to thoughts of what she was doing with her AP to create this child....mind movies and more.Yet my Wife has been very good In doing everything that 1 could expect from her..she demonstrates true remorse for what she did, for her chouces,, repentant, contrite And a shamed Wife is what I see. Even with this I lay in bed next to her and look at the wrinkled face of a 77 year old spouse, and ask myself how did this happen? WTF.. Why why why????

I have a much milder situation than yours but I can only imagine how difficult this information was to hear. I was referred to a different forum called (I can relate) and in that forum there is a thread called , for those who found out years after or something like that. Take a look do some reading and take good care of yourself.

OldBeachOwl.....that is utterly heartbreaking. I think there are always a million little reasons why....but the why never seemed adequate for me. How are you and your adult child? The finding out about an affair that happened last week or 50 years ago, cuts deep. Grieve what you thought you had. Get to a place where you can accept where you are today. Talk with a counselor to help process this, maybe? My thoughts are with you.

she demonstrates true remorse for what she did

One sees this phrase, almost verbatim, from virtually every newly minted BH who posts here (and, at 6 months post Dday, you are a newly minted BH).

From your earlier posts, we've learned about the monstrous, cancerous cyst of millions of interwoven lies your WW has maintained for 50+ years, which includes paternity fraud, generally viewed as one of the most vile and despicable wrongs a woman can inflict upon a man (though I recognize that, in your case, learning the truth of this so late in life is tempered by the fact that your son has grown to become an accomplished man of whom you are very proud). It reminds me of the scene in one of the later Harry Potter movies where Hermione, Ron, and Harry are hiding in the forest behind an invisibility spell as their foes wander through the same forest, nearby to them but completely unaware of their existence. In a very real sense, because of your WW's choices, the two of you have shared space, but lived parallel versions of your marriage and parenthood. The version of herself she has shown you for all of those years has been a facade.

Now, we learn that the cheating wasn't limited to an ill-conceived fantasy affair by an impressionable young RN who got herself in way over her head and didn't know how to get out. That her initial affair gave her a taste for the forbidden fruit, which she went on to indulge more than once even after the paternity fraud was manifest. In that sense, she was, for a lot of years, truly a bad wife to you. She must have been withdrawn, sexually distant, etc. from you at that time. Yet you soldiered on and persevered, as a good unwitting husband would, likely chalking it up then to hormones or middle age or such, taking your lumps and remaining loyal, and faithful. It must be a bitter pill to know the reality: that you can now never get those years back, that youth back. Your WW used it selfishly, for her own convenience.

I would urge you to read and ponder the distinction between regret and remorse. Regret can be profound, and can involve a lot of sorrow. Remorse is more subtle, more ephemeral. It is grounded in empathy. Regret is a solipsistic state of being. A regretful person can feel truly, deeply, profoundly bad about the wreckage she has created around her. True tears of shame and pain. But ultimately, it is grounded in her own bad feelings. The pain she feels, and shares with you.

Remorse is grounded in empathy. It comes from her understanding the weight of this from your perspective. You see it when she tries to anticipate what you need to start coming to grips with your reality now that the veil has been peeled off, and to make that happen to the extent she can do so. It's super unlikely your WW has reached a place of true remorse this soon after Dday. Keep in mind she has had 50+ years to come to grips with the awful truth of her lies. It is her normal. Living with a man as damaged as you must be, trying to understand the depth and profundity of how the paradigm of your whole life has been ripped from beneath you, that's barely a blink of time compared to her prior normal.

FWIW - I agree 101% ^^^^

So sorry for you Owl -

OBO,

You may be feeling this way because you might be feeling that you were robbed of your agency to choose. That what you had over the last 50yrs was a sham. That you were manipulated into staying so that your WW could continue her lifestyle without fear of reprisal/consequences.

Your WW probably dropped this devastating information in your lap, and unloaded her guilt, at such a late stage in life with the security of knowing that you would not leave, even with the new betrayals.

Her needs are still fulfilled; someone to look after her when she gets old, a place to stay, will not go hungry as she has a source of funds (you), etc. Her life barely changes (she only has to deal with a moping BH). She had a good life at your expense.

What have you ended up with? A miserable future of 'what ifs', 'what could have beens'. A stolen life. A life based on lies.

What do you do with this now? You still have choices even at your stage in life, but it will upset the current balance you have.

Whatever the case, you will need to address these issues with a professional, so that YOU can navigate what is best for YOU.

She had her fun, you raised another man child, she had more fun, she can sleep at night in her home and you are left to stare at the ceiling holding together something she willingly destroyed, time and time again.
She isn't even remotely remorseful, not even close. She sat on this all these years. I hate to say but she isnt the woman you thought you knew.
I do hope you can find the help you need to make it through the mess she handed you. I really do.

I seldom post here but your story just hit me hard. I am so sorry you have to deal with this mess. I hope that your IC can successfully guide you through this. I just have to say that I think your wife was and still is a horrible person. The affairs were horrible. Clearing her conscience by dumping this on you now is at least as bad. You lay awake at night trying to make sense of your life. I bet she sleeps just fine. I agree with those that say she is not remorseful, and I suspect she never will be. She was selfish then and she is selfish now. I hope that your IC can help you find peace. Strength to you.

BFTG, sums it up. This is the worst of the worst.

FWIW, my XWW had a son from a prior relationship when we initially got together. He was just a toddler then. I never formally adopted him, but I was essentially the only father he knew and we were very close. Catch with baseball mitts in the park in evenings, making Mother's Day breakfast, going to NBA or MLB games, helping with homework or music practice, etc. All the usual dad stuff.

After Dday and separation I chose to keep him in my life. He's spend weekends with me usually, and some weeks if the XWW was traveling.

Today he's a middle aged man in his 40's and I still enjoy a warm relationship with him. I do feel blessed by this. He was my best man in my current marriage. I say all of that to illustrate that I know, from personal first hand experience, that raising another man's child can be rewarding, enriching, fulfilling. It can yield benefits to old age. But in my case, it was my choice. In your case, it was foisted upon you by deception. The fact that, due to serendipity, it worked out for you in the long run doesn't diminish the monstrous size of the initial lie, nor the cumulative mass of the ensuing stream of lies.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 2:41 PM, Wednesday, December 14th]

Thank you everyone for your advice and appraisal of my situation. My wife purchased and read the Limda MacDonald book "How to help your spouse heal from your sffair" after which her understanding of the depth of pain her affairs, paternity fraud and subsequent deception have generated became evident. I believe she goes it now, as I see a sea-change in her demeanor, her efforts to help me heal and in her willingness to do anything and everything she can. My fWW tries to anticipate anything which. might trigger me When certain photos from when she was pregnant with the APs baby recently triggered a sharp reaction and put me in a dark place, she offered to burn them, and I watched as she set them alight. She asks at appropriate times how I am doing, She told me yesterday that she had done a cruel and despicable act, an unforgivable act of supreme selfishness and that she truly regrets entering into the affair and how she deceived me for so long. I sense a very different tone in her now, quite distinct from the " hurry up and get over it already, because it happened fifty years sgo" mantra of three months ago and I want very much to believe her.Yet the unbidden waves of sadness at what wss los still esdh over me as feel the losd of innocence of our relationship because of how unilaterally she changed the rules and code upon which our marriage had been founded. I have so much to contemplate, I am simply overwhelmed.

Yet the unbidden waves of sadness at what [was lost] still [washes] over me as feel the losd of innocence of our relationship because of how unilaterally she changed the rules and code upon which our marriage had been founded. I have so much to contemplate, I am simply overwhelmed.

That particular emotion is quite common in "found out years later" scenarios. It's because time is linear, irretrievable, and irrevocable. The mind naturally goes to "what if" scenarios, fantasies about what you could-a/would-a/should-a done if you had known the truth in real time. But your reality is that you didn't know the truth, those years are gone, and you can never get them back.

Your thread is one of the most extreme I have read in this regard. I reckon there have been one or two where the BS found out AFTER the WS died, which would be yet another kind of Hell - I can only imagine the overwhelming sense of impotence in such a scenario, where you don't even have a cheating spouse to berate or excoriate or commiserate with.

But I digress. Finding out at your advanced age, after your wonderful son is a full-fledged adult man, a man of accomplishment and honor and dignity, one whom you enjoy and respect, that's a mitzvah. Not every dad has that. Yet there is the monstrous reality of what your WW did. And she didn't just do it 50 years ago. She did it every day -- no, every minute of every day -- for the entire 50 years. Imagine if she had died by now, and then you did the genealogy thing and learned that your son is not your biological offspring.

I honestly don't have any idea what I'd do in your shoes. I've pondered this more than I ought, truth be told. When somebody is age 35, or 40, or even 60, there is still plenty of opportunity to start over, to have a fulfilling relationship. But in one's 70's, what is to be gained by divorcing? Maybe instead, you remain married, but just live your life as a single man? I honestly don't know if that is a productive solution.

OBO, I’ve read several of your threads, but this is my first reply. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Given the length of deception and outcome of the affair this is a very difficult situation to process. It is completely understandable that you would be adrift after finding out two principle relationships in your life are based on lies. Now you’ve found out that your spouse had multiple affairs. It is safe to say there was a time when your WW gave very little thought about you, and the hell of it is that was probably at the time you felt most strongly about her. It hurts me just thinking about it and I have absolutely no stake in the relationship. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to process this massive deception. You’ve known about it for 1/100th of the time you were betrayed.

As for remorse, while you may be seeing changes you are also dealing with a very desperate person. Making a show of burning photos or calling herself names should be taken with a grain of salt. These actions 50, 45, or even 25 years ago would be more convincing to me. Now, you both have fewer choices and none of them are good. It’s hard to say if she’s pulling out all the stops to have an outcome most favorable to her or you. It’s far too soon to say with any confidence. Again, be kind to yourself and if that means it takes another 6 months or 6 years to move past it, then that’s what it will take.

I also recommend checking out the Found Out Years Later thread in the I Can Relate forum. Reading others stories may help you understand what you’re feeling and thinking is not abnormal or unfair to your WW.

Edited to improve grammar.

[This message edited by Sanibelredfish at 4:29 PM, Wednesday, December 14th]

So sorry that this happened to you. My fwh and I have been married for 44 years, and although I'm content, I often ponder what my life could be now if I'd taken another path. I try to tell myself that "things happen for a reason", but sometimes you wonder..

OBO, it materially changes nothing, but as to your wife’s mindset 50 years ago I am curious: did she know at the time that her pregnancy was caused by the OM? For you to have not thought he wasn’t your biological child, there had to have been some doubt in the question of timing, no? How did SHE discover the truth?

I think you're about where you need to be 6 months out from d-day.

Being betrayed is traumatic. In movies and TV shows, people get over it quickly; in real life, healing is not quick at all.

You are taking in new, devastating information. You're processing your own grief, fear, shame, and anger. You're building a new life with your W. That's a LOT of work, and it takes a lot more time than anyone thinks it should.

My reco:

Hang in with yourself. Monitor yourself to figure out or to keep on the right path for you. Make conscious choices. And if you find you're on the wrong path, adjust as appropriate. Focus on yourself first, then on what you want from your W (and how likely she is to give it to you).

(((OldBeachOwl))) - a hug, if you want one

No point in talking about what a POS your wife is. At this point there is nothing to fix this that I can see.

What I will strongly urge is that you seek out grief counselling. This discovery is the equivalent of a violent death of a loved child.

This is something that you cannot deal with alone. You need help.

Everyday she doesn't tell the truth to your son is just another lie from that wrinkled face. AP died of cancer and he needs to know that for his health. I'm afraid now you are becoming a part of her lie. I don't think she'll achieve true remorse until owns up to her numerous betrayals.

I thought that I would never read of a worse betrayal than AmbivalentOnes' but I think your WW tops his in many ways.

I can't believe she let you endure:

50 Christmas'
50 Fathers Days
50 Birthdays

That's a lot to deal with and I can read your struggle. I believe you need to 180, Grey Rock and take a long vacation away from her.

Good luck to you and hope you and your son find peace.

This is just heart wrenching to read. So sorry for you. I haven't read any of your previous posts, so I am not up to speed on your situation. Why after all this time did she confess? Why couldn't she have just taken this to her grave? Why destroy your remaining years?

Again, I am so sorry.

OldBeachOwl

I was wondering if you had any thoughts or considerations for the gestation period.
Given you say she was all but cutting you off (my para-phrase) maybe you had a little voice trying to pull on your ear? - and when the child was born was there any complication?

Did the MD know he was the father? Did your wife know? Seems she was close to as positive as possible since she confessed when the Genealogy/DNA test came up for discussion.

Does your "Son" know of his heritage?

Asking as these questions as they would be mine should I have experienced the fate you have. (Close but no cigar)

Where will your mind be in two years? Something to ponder - new information (yes, bet there is!) may change your course.

You said you have a good business - are you still working or retired? This can affect your choices for how to move forward.

Many posters have commented that "who you married" a long time ago is not who you are married to now. Or it that a true statement? I have a couple of family members who are just plain selfish. And have been so for over 50 years. I don't associate with them except (now) funerals. Brief at that.