SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All,

Been lurking for a few days, and I appreciate all of your comments to others- they've helped me out as well to know I'm not alone or singularly experiencing this.

Background:
I (M37) have known my wife (F35) our entire lives. We dated for about a year and have been married for 14 years. They weren't always easy years. We fought at times, called each other names, went through personal traumas and a miscarriage, but we always apologized (kind of- looking back I've noticed that she's never really apologized for anything using pronouns or not adding the words "I'm sorry, but you...") and comforted each other.

For the past several years, I decided to go back to school to better provide for my family. That, along with Covid, working 2-3 jobs at times while studying, watching the kids from infancy to now while she worked 3 days per week, all contributed to a slight lack of attention and affection. Who had time?

D-Day:
I discovered the affair by accident in late October this year- my youngest daughter had my wife's phone watching a movie, then she brought it over to me asking "Who dis?" (she's 3). I saw a shirtless fat man on a text message. I scrolled up, thinking it was a joke pic from one of her works friends, but I saw that my wife had sent this man a shirtless pic (from my aunt's bathroom at a family get-together). After much screaming (mainly from her), she called the police because I "stole" her phone to take screenshots. The police officer came out and said she couldn't do anything since it was just a bad fight. So, I slept in another room.

The following week my wife tried explaining to me that it was "just a friend" and he lived out of state, and she would never do anything like that. I told her to go NC with him, and she complied. I asked to see her phone, which she complied. She had obviously deleted the texts along with EVERY text or messages she had on her phone. Suspicious but okay. She said that she "was the baby of the family and just wanted attention." Fair play, as I said, I had been lacking in that department, but as I had just finished school (and got a way higher paying job that required less time) I was planning on making up for lost time with vacations, date nights, spa days, etc.

I kept thinking it was my fault, then a week later she said that she thinks we need to separate so she can figure some things out. I obliged, because she's my wife- why wouldn't I do that for her? Unfortunately, a few days later, my oldest daughter (12) started crying while I was helping her with her homework. She said that she saw mommy texting another man without a shirt and he kept sending her pictures. I told my daughter that it was probably just friend and not to worry about it. I told my wife of the exchange (big mistake) in the interest of transparency. She exploded on me about how this is all my fault and that I'll never trust her again and my daughter will always think she's texting another man. Somehow, she said that last 8 years were a living hell. What? News to me. The only thing she ever told me was how much she loved me and appreciated everything I did for the family. Apparently, she was "emotionally abused" by our arguments. I asked if her yelling and arguing were abuse too- apparently not in her eyes.

Again, confused I assumed this was all my fault. However, a few days later I stumbled upon more messages from at least 4 men talking about having sex, wanting sex, and sending/receiving pics from my wife. I no longer felt guilty but intense anger. She had been lying to me and was still lying to me.

I decided not to confront her about the new evidence (that would be for my attorney) and pretended to and still pretend to go along with her plan of separation. At first, she was reasonable- split the bills for the kids, we keep our own debt, etc. Then, she started wanting more money, more time with the kids (as opposed to 50/50 split) and refused to comply with simple requests regarding title transfers and cell plan changes.

It was like a switch was flipped and this wasn't my fun loving, kind woman I fell in love with. Just an angry stranger.

She decided to not go on the Disney trip I had planned for us and the kids before D-Day, which did wonders for the children's mental state. She refused to pay for her plane ticket since it was non-refundable. She's been telling everyone that "It just didn't work out" and even told our children that "Yes, mommy did something bad, but daddy needs to work on his anger management issues" (Words from my 7 yr old son- amazing vocabulary he randomly picked up).

I have been sadder than ever in my life. Just drained, humiliated, worthless, and angry all rolled into one nice little ball. I had started to feel a bit better, focusing on the children and my personal well-being. My family has been very supportive, and my father allowed me to live with him for the foreseeable future.

Until last Sunday. She sent me a text asking if she could ask me something without me getting angry or in an argument. Sure. Apparently, she's been dating a guy since 3 weeks after D-Day. Pretty dang fast. I told her I did not want her AP around our children for the time being for everyone's emotional sake. She refused and said she had just met him and who she brings around the children is her business. I fell into a deep pit of despair and cried more than on D-Day. How can someone be so callous? So cold? So uncaring that this is causing someone else massive pain? She even had her lawyer send a custody agreement only allowing me 6 days/month with my kids, after she swore to me that she wouldn't take the children away.

Fortunately, I found this forum and several others across the internet. I've been reading different books on surviving infidelity, which described my WS's behavior to the letter. I have decided to go minimal contact with her unless it's about the children. We have custody mediation soon, and my lawyer is drafting everything to my favor. Going Gray Rock in all communications that have to be shared with her. Best part, she still doesn't know I know about the other men- our lawyers will discuss that fun detail eventually.

So, I've started to view her as a stranger and that my wife I fell in love with is gone. That has helped but most days still suck. So thank you all for helping each other which in turn has helped me. Any advice or suggestions are much appreciated.

It sounds like the relationship needed to end, but not on those terms. The shirtless creep on the phone probably did you a favour.

Work out what is practical for you in terms of custody and pursue that, rather than respond to what she wants or pursuing what you’ve been told you are entitled to (which may not be realistic if you are working f/t).

Be a good man, an honest man, for your children. It sounds like you are, so just keep being you irrespective of who she is.

Hi OP.

Your wife sounds like she's pretty far gone from the the marriage, talking to other men, dating another man.

You've said you've known her forever, and you have a couple of young ones together. That makes it tough. On the other hand all the yelling and screaming at one another ... yeesh, who needs that? You and your kids sure don't need it. You don't need to be living with a cheater.

I think your chance at reconciliation at this point is low, and really what kind of marriage would you have with her? How could you trust her again? She has no problem lying to you, gaslighting you.

Your approach at this point seems sound. I think you play it out and divorce her.

I don't mean to hit you when you're down, but maybe you could do with some counselling to help leave the marriage behind you, and learn how to keep your temper in check with your significant other. There will be others, you're only 37.

GB, sorry you had need to find this place. If you haven’t checked it out yet, the healing library is a great resource. A couple of book recommendations if you haven’t gotten to them already: Cheating in a Nutshell, The Journey From Abandonment to Healing, and The Body Keeps the Score.

Good job going grey rock. If you haven’t already, limit communication to text and email only. I’m sure your lawyer has mentioned everything you send needs to be written as if the presiding judge will read it.

Peace

[This message edited by asc1226 at 7:37 PM, Friday, December 16th]

I'm sorry you had to find us. You are doing everything right, and none of this is your fault.

She is lost in the fog, now is the time to take care of you and your children. You are correct she is a stranger and this stranger is trying to destroy your family. She is living in a fantasy land with a lot of attention from men, but honestly these are very low quality people. She can do what she wants but she needs to leave the children out of it.

Know this, she is about to embark on a very lonely road, these men are using her and she will never see it. She is addicted to limerence, and it feels like twu wuv. You will come out better in the end, get in the gym and take care of yourself.

Sorry brother,
just because you were working two jobs and trying to better yourself through education so to be a good provider for the family.
And she didn’t get enough validation due to your work load, yet failed to communicate it. Bad on her not you.
50% accountability for all issues but her attention seeking validation from strangers is 100% on her.
Get you solicitors on the child custody 50/50 minimum.
Take no shit from her or her legal representative.
Number one are the children then yourself. Exercise, eat healthy and drink water.
This shit show is all in her. Be the grey rock king.
Get tested unfortunately she didn’t practice safe sex.
One day at a time

Ugh. I'm so sorry. I do think you're on the right track getting an attorney and making sure you get at least equal custody. I'd ask for a Morality Clause as well to keep strange men out of the home with your children. Don't be discouraged by thinking that men don't have rights these days. The courts tend to like 50/50 but I have heard of cases where the dad got full custody and the mom got visitation. It happens.

Damn, I wish you could have come to us sooner.

Your wife is gone. She’s so far gone that she’s actually a danger to you. She falls into a category of WS’s who turn on their BS’s, demonize them and can be quite dangerous.

I would continue to do what you’re finally doing, Grey Rock and a hard 180 get your ass away from her zone of influence. You’re at a tremendous disadvantage because you are rational, moral, playing-by-the-rules, thinking of your kids first, still have feelings for your Gone-Girl, responsible, discreet and predictable. SHE, on the other hand, is unpredictable, irrational, indiscreet, uninhibited, irresponsible, cares only for herself and is not playing by the rules. Also, she has first strike advantage. She’s already on record for calling the cops ON YOU.

I would alert your attorney of the possibility of false DV charges and follow their guidance. I would also start carrying a VAR on your person whenever in her presence or talking to her on the phone. Damn the privacy concerns and two party consent laws. This is for your personal safety and consumption and is the far lessor of the two evils. I would only communicate with her via your attorney regarding all legal matters. Consider security cams in the house. Watch your temper. Don’t grab anything from her. Don’t touch her phone. Don’t touch any of her shit. Only speak with her about coparenting stuff and in a very non-emotional manner.

Some people would describe her as being in an Affair Fog. I don’t personally subscribe to the Affair Fog excuse or tactics to break people out of their "Fog". If she wants to be enveloped in a fog, let her go. Cut her loose and go your own way. If The 180 and divorce paper service doesn’t snap her back into reality-Bubye. She gone and you probably don’t want her back after putting you through this incredible disrespect and abuse.

Protect your dignity and show your kids how a strong, mature, dignified father handles his shit in a crisis. Hopefully, you’ll be able to piece together a decent coparenting relationship with her.

I like CT’s advice regarding the Morality Clause

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 2:44 AM, Saturday, December 17th]

A bit of technical advice. A voice activated recorder does not have to be used in voice activated mode.

In fact, "Voice Activated Recorder" is a bit of a misnomer. Basically it is a "recorder" with a voice activated feature.

The issue with using it in voice activated mode is that it requires sounds to meet a certain level of threshold of volume and duration before it "activates recording", so often it misses the beginning of an audio exchange or a short audio exchange entirely.

Additionally, each time it is activated, it will also deactivate after a short period of silence. What I am getting at is you can, and probably will, end up with a bunch of audio files that have gaps and are missing context. Less useful and hard to deal with from an evidence perspective.

In a situation such as yours, I recommend that you keep fresh batteries in your recorder (Just buy a shitload), and get a 32GB minimum SD Card to expand your recording capacity.

Then set the recorder to record to the SD card in its highest-quality MP3 mode. Usually this gives you 300+ hours of record time.

Then just keep the recorder recording if you are around her or plan to be around her or if there is any chance you might be around her. Or maybe just keep it recording all day for a while. That way you won't miss anything and it is easy enough to delete recordings that are uneventful. It's a very small investment to protect yourself.

If you do this, you lose nothing and remain protected.

Finally, learn how to put your recorder in "hold" mode. This is a simple, easily accessible switch on your recorder that allows you to prevent accidentally stopping the recorder by inadvertently pushing buttons.

***

Your wife is off the deep end. Let her swim away. But meanwhile, you need to protect yourself in order to protect your family.

Good luck.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 12:07 PM, Saturday, December 17th]

I’m sorry you are in this nightmare.

A few things about cheaters you should know.

Most of the time they are not unhappy - they become "unhappy" after meeting the person they are having an affair with.

Cheaters tend to blame the betrayed spouse for all of it.

Cheaters turn into someone you don’t even recognize.

Please consider getting yourself a good counselor and a good support network of friends and family you can trust.

Sadly people do leave marriages for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they married the wrong person. Sometimes they fall in love with someone else. Your wife doesn’t meet either one of those descriptions. She’s trolling or trawling but this is a woman who’s morals have disappeared. I’m not sure what a judge will do with this but hold onto the information because it’s a doozy.

You;ve gotten great advise and you are doing great.
Just to emphasize, protect yourself— financially, emotionally, and legally.
Since she’s called the cops over nothing before, the VAR/Recorder is imperative— you must be sure she cannot falsely accuse you of domestic violence- and she has set the stage with the comments on "anger management skills". Take this VERY seriously. She’s no longer your friend, partner, wife, lover, or even a decent human being.
Money she is spending is marital funds— take a deep look and make sure she’s not getting you both in deeper debt.
Talk to your lawyer about moving out and if that can hurt you. You do not want her to be able to say you abandoned the family (even though you didn’t).

Take care of yourself- the trauma is real. Get exercise, eat healthfully, drink lots of water, and avoid alcohol. This helps body and mind. Going low contact/no contact with her outside of things about the kids is good.

You will get through this. And this is 0% your fault. Sure, no marriage is perfect and we each own 50% of that. But she had plenty of other better options if she was unhappy. Choosing to cheat is 100% on her.

I am sorry you are going through this.

I know what it is like to have the love of your life say you are not good enough, but I found someone who is.

You are trying to keep yourself together and keep those sweet babies from becoming collateral damage.

I went a different route than you are heading, but every BH and WW story is unique, and you as the super dad you are need to do what is right for your babies.

We as dads get double whammy-you trying to make ends meet, spend time with the kids, protect the kids, and grieve the loss of the relationship all while making everything look normal to the outside world.

You lawyer will know the state laws, but having a no other person clause is very common in divorce cases in my state. Almost everyone I know who divorces with young children asks for them. The separating parties just cannot have anyone spend the night while they have the children. This would go for you too when you eventually start dating again. If either party re-marries, this does not apply to the new spouse. Family court has no problem with this provision.

Also, seems odd she wants to get so much custody-seems that would put a crimp in her new lifestyle-she may be angling for a bigger financial settlement. And, you may have to give it to her-you would not be the first guy to buy his kids back.

The protection advice here is good. My two cents is do the kid switch at a public location. Don’t be behind closed doors with her. False DV are so common, and judges will slap a restraining order on you quick.

Good luck

Yes you will go to a better life. You wife is living in chaos and fantasy.

To be a better partner or to see how to have awesome marriage and relationship skills, please look into Gottmans' books and online videos.

Great skills aren't given to us at birth and we can also learn bad habits. I never understood why my boyfriends and ws acted as they did or anything about serious red flags in behavior. I just coped the best I could.

Practice gratitude every day. Honesty must be a priority. Look into your own heart and follow that light that tells you what is best for you and your kids.

You can have a peaceful satisfying life, no yelling, no lies, no huge stress. You choose. You have free will. Do not settle for any path except the path that takes you to better days. It will be the best gift you could ever give your kids.