SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out my spouse is at least having an emotional affair. What I found was via :
* an old i-pad with an old key code I knew. It allowed me to see a few texts
* she had a apple watch which would show a few of her texts

Both of these sources are pretty much dead. I will not get more info.

What I found was a text saying "I feel so bad. I think I am in love with this other man"

Yesterday I reviled to her I knew she was in love with another man and she should peruse that. She wants to talk today. I do not want to give away my sources!!! But what do I say? I guess I have some small hope for us and I know the invasion of her privacy is going to be yet another issue.

Do I just say "Leave it that I found out. What does this mean for us?"

Thankfully you discovered it. You did not invade her privacy, she invaded your marriage and is actively working to destroy you and your family. You cannot reveal how you know and don’t let her blame or manipulate you.

Tell her you know what’s going on then let her do the talking.

If she wants to talk, that probably means there is truth in what you found out. Right now she is deciding whether to lie or tell the truth, prepare for lies.

First of all let her talk, do not interrupt her. When she pauses just say something like "ok, and then?".
A cop friend of mine said people hate silence and will start blabbing and incriminate themselves.

If she asks how you know, maybe say something like, that it isn't important who or where I got the info from. She may then be trying to figure out who tipped you off. Protect your source and STFU and let her talk, imply you know more than you do.
Good Luck.

All’s fair in love and war…
In so many ways you are dealing with both.
Imagine this scenario: Imagine you discovered your wife was shooting up with heroin. You found drug paraphernalia in her side of the bathroom cabinet, you found transactions on her bank-statement indicating large withdrawals and so on and so on. How far would you go before you "invaded her privacy" with some form of intervention?
In a relationship there are expectations of privacy, but those expectations are limited. When the actions are impacting you and other stakeholders of the relationship… they are no longer so much private. So don’t have any remorse or second thoughts on the "invading her privacy" issue.

As far as revealing sources… This isn’t a court of law where you have to prove to her beyond reasonable doubt that she has stated she loves another man. The only person that needs to be convinced is YOU. That’s it. That’s all that needs to be convinced.

Do not reveal how you found out.

She will only admit to what you already know...

Unfortunately, you tipped your hand too quickly.

Put a VAR ( voice activated recorder ) under the front seat of her car .

You will get your answers soon enough.

If you can get hold of her phone . She probably deleted everything.

Look at the phone bill if shared.

Tell her you received an anonymous message about her cheating.

She knows she’s cheating. You don’t have to prove it to her.

Never ever reveal your sources. Ever.

Sorry to hear this. As others have stated when you do sit down to talk, do not let her spin this back on you. SHE made her choices. Good or bad, they were her choices period. She can expound about how you did this or didnt do this. Maybe she's right, but it was all her choice to do what she's done. No coercion, no gun to her head. If she does want to discuss the situation, then do not reveal how you know, maybe misdirection as to possible source of info. Dont reveal how much you don't know. Let her mind trip her up. Also as stated above STFU! Let her talk, quiet, minimal responses. It will eat at her. Be calm. Like most people, cops will tell you this, they will talk and talk to prove they are good. Eventually it will come out, when she sees the gaslighting and lies aren't working. Be strong. She is addicted to the high of the affair. Addicts will lie, cheat steal and sell their souls for that next fix. Dont be sucked in regardless of how many tears are shed, how much she begs and pleads and says I'm sorry. Only when she has revealed the full truth do dialogs begin. Always stear the talk back to the issue because she will try to Segway to another story.

Really sorry about this.

[This message edited by Dagrump at 4:06 PM, Tuesday, December 27th]

Are these texts recent? Who was she texting?
Start digging.
VAR, GPS tracking. Check phone records, credit cards and bank accounts.
You have hit the tip of the iceberg. Sending you strength. I’m sorry you are being put through this misery.

One thing I did was use a control question I knew the answer to. This is done with polygraphs. My WW had several men she was texting and sexting with. Chris was a real name I knew about. "So tell me who is Chris?" She’s not familiar with Chris, can’t recall a Chris. So I said "ok what about Chad?" (Totally made up). She says "I have never spoken to anyone named Chad!!! You have bad information!!" Lol, not really now I knew what her lies looked like.

Question: Do you have a copy of what you saw? Screenshot or photo or whatever? if not, get it now because it WILL disappear once you discuss it (or most likely will). Once you do that if you haven't already, my very simple advice is this: Don't tell her how you know, but say you have proof because you have seen it with your own eyes. IF she goes down the "you invaded my privacy" path, you can tell her that you are not revealing what you know, but even if you did "dig through her stuff" that issue is not up for discussion - what you know and found out is. If she is "in love with someone else" then you have much bigger fish to fry.

If she refuses to discuss to the "invasion of privacy" then reiterate that you cannot believe she is going to try to turn this around on you, and that clearly you have nothing to talk about. When she wants to talk about what you know she can do so - until then grey rock. This does not mean rug sweep - it means basically cutting her out of your life to the extent possible. Don't worry - it won't be long before she returns to talk to you (after having erased anything and everything she can think of - hence making copies of it) - what she says and how she addresses what you know will be very instructive.

Seriously, doing what I said above is really really hard. It's also more effective than anything else. As someone else said, this is why:

No coercion, no gun to her head. If she does want to discuss the situation, then do not reveal how you know, maybe misdirection as to possible source of info. Dont reveal how much you don't know. Let her mind trip her up. Also as stated above STFU! Let her talk, quiet, minimal responses. It will eat at her. Be calm. Like most people, cops will tell you this, they will talk and talk to prove they are good. Eventually it will come out, when she sees the gaslighting and lies aren't working. Be strong.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:39 PM, Tuesday, December 27th]

I guess I have some small hope for us and I know the invasion of her privacy is going to be yet another issue.

Brother I'm sorry you had to find us, never reveal your sources, also the last thing that should be on your mind right now is "her privacy", she has blown up the M to smithereens, that's the big issue at hand, keep the eye on the ball and never lose sight of it. As others mentioned, let her do the talking, do not take anything from her at face value. Do you know who OM is ? if so is he married or has a GF/SO ?

Tell her you will not reveal, "who" your source is. Say no more.

Given what she's doing, her privacy is a non issue...don't allow it to be. Period. She can have it completely upon divorce.