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I am so very sad about the losses due to cutting out toxic family. I guess the holidays highlight the smallness of my family now.

The in laws are obviously gone. Sil #2 actually contacted me on Instagram asking for me and kids and WH to call MIL on her birthday in October. I ignored. They have not done anything for my kids, dont text DD (17 yrs old), etc... That relationship is done. Dont see it reconciling to any great extent.

My sisters- have a legal suit court. They have sent NINE cops / investigators/ adult protective service workers to my home in less than 5 mos. One tweets about me and my bad husband and how he is stealing our moms money (not true) and he is about to leave me. She says she will not be there for me when wh leaves me, and my other sister tells our mom i have broken laws and that she will never see her grandkids again (im the only one who had kids of my siblings) because i will be in prison and my kids in foster care.

Covid made it ok to stay in and now my covid baby is 3, and I am trying to find playgroups and baby friends and it seems that everyone has extended families or long time friends already. I am planning on searching out churches to find some local friends. I do have a good group of about 5-7 girlfriends But they are all 1-2 or more hrs away

I have three great kids, WH has stepped up BIG TIME in the mess w my sisters, my mom has been living w us and happy to be here rather than sad living with my sister. Wh 's business took off this year and hes making 6 figures for the first time.

I had a migraine for three days last week. I cant go wo crying for a day . I am on edge. And i have reason to be.

Im just sad. I have a reason to be sad. It will pass. I guess cutting out shitty ppl in my life isnt as great and easy as id thought.

You have been through so much, and yes, cutting shitty people out does hurt. Cutting out cancer hurts, but when you heal you will feel so much better. And the holidays, with all their manufactured expectations, do amplify the negatives.

You wicked sisters (and I totally picture the wicked stepsisters from Cinderella) are envious and awful.

keep working to expand your circle for you and your kids. It’s hard, but worth it. Keep focusing on YOU.

Keep feeling the feelings but don’t camp out there, and you already recognize that feelings are not facts and they are not permanent.
Sending best wishes for an empowering, peaceful, joyful New Year.

I'm sorry. I understand how much you have longed for a big, happy, supportive extended family. It's healthy that you are enforcing strong boundaries, but for me that can also bring a sense of loss for what isn't and sadness.

I think i'm feeling something similar lately. It's hard, but I try to think of everything I appreciate in my life. It seems you are doing the same with recounting all the positives with your mother, children, finances, etc. Your new hobby is great too.

I also reach out to friends. I went to my neighbors party last night even though I would have preferred to stay home. And I texted another friend to ask for her black-eyed peas and collards recipe. It's a New Years tradition in the south, and I'm trying something new.

I hope you find comfort.

You can focus in the negative OR decide to stop living in the past and focus in the future.

I have a friend who has lived a life NO ONE would think they could survive. Her life rivals that if a soap opera it’s that bad.

But every day she wakes up and tries to do better. She tries to not live in the past. It’s not easy. It’s not possible some days. Holidays are the worst for her.

Yes your in-laws are a nightmare. They are not decent people BUT you continue to waste time and energy on them. My MIL was a horrible person. She shunned me & her only grandchildren.

Her loss.

I never let it ruin my day. I accepted it and moved on.

Life is what you make it. You can choose to do better each day by living in the moment and focusing in the good things in life. You can choose to sidestep the drama and move past it.

New year. New choices.

It sucks the way your in laws behave. Remember this your mother is happier with you. Your sisters are greedy and know how to get under your skin. Remember accep the things you cannot change (in laws and sisters). The courage to change the things you can, your reaction to the behaviors). The wisdom to know the difference.

You can only change you. Your relationships with either family is based on them. Start singing Elsa’s song Let it go!

You are doing so many good things. Hugs!

Gotta, you're not alone! Holidays trigger me like hell and my narc mom made an attention/manipulation move over Christmas too. It's hard on the kids not to have much relationship with my side of the family. Hard on my H too as I have brought very little (family, $$) into our marriage but myself.

It was really hard going NC with my mom and my (prior) abuser sister (NC on both our parts... long story, but I can mend fences on that one when I'm ready). We have all these expectations and hopes and dreams of what our family will be. Hallmark movies don't help with furthering the sunshine-and-daisies fantasy.

You're doing what is best and right for your family. Funny how your WH is stepping up now that HIS family is out of the picture. Maybe having his family in his life (and the energy suck it poses) was holding back his progress. I know it held back mine. I'll bet if you guys have a long conversation about it, he'll be just as freed as you are... in the end.

It's ok to mourn the death of the dream family you always wanted. Often we have visions in our head of what the people in our lives SHOULD be that we cling to too much. It's easier sometimes to occupy ourselves with the hope of one day having them live up to our expectations. When we let go of the expectations and radically accept who they are, it's is like a real death in the family. It's the death of the dream.

As for friends, I've been finding that when I put my kids in school we were able to find several family friends over the years. Some have come and gone, but a few have stuck around and become our true friends.

Does your library have tot-time? Does your community have a rec program? Often there's tiny tot tumbling classes, swim classes or other stuff to bring you kid to and find other moms to acquaint yourself with. Even when I wasn't making "particular friends" at these things, the casual contact with other moms in similar situations eased the loneliness for me.

I will not lie, I thought briefly about taking the kids back to visit the in laws. I just would not interact with them... but kids could see family

But then i remembered, they were crappy to the kids as well. Thats when i told them off- years of crap to me, ok. But when they were treating the kids poorly, thats when we cut them out.

I am not lonely, I have some great friends from
years ago that i talk to, they dont live close but we visit sometimes... but i am worried about my 3 year old, we dont have friends w little kids since we are older and wh owns his own firm now (and is the only employee) so we dont have his former work friends who had little kids.

It just seems that our friend / relationship circles all exploded within a year or so of each other. My family, his family, work friends... now all of that is gone.

3 year old does do a toddler class and is in a mommy and me club with weekly activities. But with 2 other kids, it's exhausting to make new friends, especially since I think, darn! I already did this! With the two older kids. Im an introvert so putting myself out there to make friends is exhausting. Add in my sisters and their lawsuits, taking my mom to doctors, lawyers for the lawsuit, etc... im not feeling like taking a shower, putting on clean clothes and going to coffee with mommy and me.

I feel like i did everything right and life just went wrong im a nice person but have picked the wrong people and made bad decisions about moving, friends, etc.

You didn’t make bad decisions. Things just turned out differently than expected.

You will meet new people and make new friends. Just know your 3 yo will keep those good memories for you as you add new friends and opportunities to your life. It just takes time.

I don’t know how to be any help to you, don’t know what I have to offer in the way of suggestions, but I do want you to know that you have been heard. I totally get how you say it can you get you so down. When things in my life hit me hard some days I don’t get out of bed except to do the very bare necessities. Not saying that’s good, but sometimes it just kicks you in the ass.

But you’re obviously a strong woman and a protective mother. I see that through the actions you’ve taken to get the kids out of such a negative situation with their grandparents.

You may not always be aware of it, deep in your bones, but… You’ve got this!

You are in my thoughts and prayers. ❤️

I think what you're having is growing pains. And you deserve to wear a badge celebrating it.

You were both born into families that let you down. The two of you have struggled with all of it. But at the end of the day, who's still standing tall and proud? Who cut the toxins out of their lives and created a safe family for their own children? Who is working their butts off to change the family dynamic and make life better for their own kids? Who is setting an example of how to be an adult and how not to allow negativity to destroy them?

As for friends, maybe this isn't a time for you to make new friends. Maybe this is a time for you to get used to being the new you. Stay in touch with your good friends and just let your little family be all you need for now. And, of course, consider that you might be all they need for the time being.

These feelings will subside and your life will change a kazillion times before it's over so maybe just think of this lull as your healing time, preparing you for the next steps. You know all those catchy phrases about not being at the dock when your ship comes in or other corny stuff but the message is the same: don't be distracted by other stuff and miss the invitation to the ball when it comes.

I don't have any advice about overcoming the legal stuff or putting up with them sending investigators to your house but you know what the truth is and what's best for your Mom so let the rest just roll off your back.

So, what's next? I say you start taking piano lessons. Or join the local theater group. OR, and this is my favorite, you and the 3 yr. old start visiting local nursing homes. Do crafts with them, sing songs with them, whatever their activities are. And even better, maybe your Mom would like to go as well?

All that said, I do understand the paralysis that comes with the sadness and I admit I'm still paralyzed. I have so many household projects to complete and just can't bring myself to address them. I recently found out that I do indeed have ADHD and it's so much more involved than I ever realized and that has helped me to quit beating myself up so much. But I still can't quite put myself out there into society. If you lived nearby, we could do it together - find our new us, the ones with small but great families, the ones who have so much to offer but spent years offering it to the wrong people and are having trouble arranging all this in our brains because the overwhelming sadness gets in the way.

[This message edited by josiep at 3:29 PM, Saturday, January 14th]