Oh my God! Y’all just brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry to have worried anyone.
I don’t really know where to start. I really tend to overdo Christmas. Decorations, family traditions. This, of course, was the second Christmas without my son who is incarcerated. He is due to go to court this month, but he doesn’t seem to be certain why. Is this for a plea? Or is it for sentencing? I’m sort of in the dark. His public defender is a bit hard for him to get in touch with. I constantly deal with guilt over not getting him a private attorney. But I have been told that federal public defenders are very sharp, and that there is not as much room for federal lawyers to finagle different results. That the guidelines are stricter. I’m not sure I understand that.
Last time we spoke specifics about his sentencing, he said that she (the public defender) is telling him he’s looking at somewhere in the vicinity of 42 months. I don’t know if they will count the time he has already served while waiting for this whole process. He said that he is taking 4 courses now that will each give him three months off of his sentence potentially. Also, he says he gets 56 (I think that’s correct) days per year off for good behavior. Also, there is a drug program, if he is lucky enough to get into, that is 18 months long, and I think he said he could possibly be released if he completes that problem successfully. But I’m not sure about any of this.
I found out yesterday that my oldest son will be going to the county jail for 60 days in March, for a second DUI he received months and months ago.
My middle son, who seems to have the most psychological issues relating to his birth and addiction, came to me the other day with a scare regarding talking with some girl on a dating app. He says that she and he talked back and forth for about a day and a half off and on. That she started making comments about having met her soulmate, referring to my son, after the first couple of hours of communicating with her. ??? At some point she sent a picture of herself in her underwear. It freaked my son out a little bit, and he responded, "nice". Then he said he changed the subject to what she was doing, like, watching TV or something. Anyway, he has now gotten a phone call from someone that says he is her father. That says she is 17 years old. And that he’s going to press charges against my son. He is terrified. I have questioned him repeatedly and he says that he absolutely did not get sexual with her. That he did not ask for the picture. The father is saying to my son over the phone that he will not press charges if my son sent him $3400. ??? Evidently, there was some sort of fight between the daughter and her mother and they put holes in the drywall of their home and knocked the TV over. WTF? And that is my son’s problem why??? He tells me that also another man has called and identified himself as a police officer, and he said that if he does not want to be arrested, that he should make arrangements to pay the father. I can’t imagine a police officer doing that.
My husband says that he has been seeing reports of this type of scam on the local news, and that my son shouldn’t worry so much. Upon questioning him more closely, it turns out that my son has done some inappropriate talking and picture sharing, if you know what I mean, with other people in the last month or so. But he says he is certain that these people are over 18. (BTW, this girl in question checked the box "18 to 21" age range on her dating app.)
My husband and I said that he should call the police because that’s what the news said the police is asking people to do, who are faced with this type of scam. But my son is afraid that if he goes to the police, and they check it out by looking at his phone, they will see some of the other communications he has had other women. And even though he has not broken the law, he’s concerned that he’ll have a record of this behavior. I really don’t know how to help him with this. I’ve told him that the next time the father or the police officer call, he should ask for their full name … The father has only provided his first name. And I have told him that he should ask the police officer to spell his name, to give the name of the police department he works with, and to give him his badge number. But, again, my son is afraid that if he involves the police, there will be consequences for him being on other dating apps and some of the things he has said and pictures he has sent when talking with others. What kind of person thinks that that you’re going to meet a person of quality on these type of dating apps where there is trashy talk and the exchange of explicit pictures?
I believe that it is a STRONG if not a 100% chance that there is no girl, or that it is a set up of some kind. What the hell does damage to a home from a fight between a mother and daughter have to do with "inappropriate communication" with the girl… Even if that did happen. And what real police officer would encourage my son to submit to extortion? And wouldn’t this be a moot point if, as my son said, the girl had identified herself as over 18? (BTW, supposedly, this girl has recently, in the last week or two, turned 18.) I believe there is some person sitting in their living room downloading pictures and sending them to my son, and speaking as if they are a young girl. And then calling and pretending to be his father. And then calling and pretending to be the police officer. Or some variation of that scenario. But, of course, I’m not very savvy about these situations, and I could be dead wrong.
Is it presumptuous of me to say that I really thought I did a better job of raising my children than this? My sister and my best friend who I have shared this with have tried to make me feel better. But what are the chances that three out of three of my kids could possibly be facing incarceration. In March and April, I will have two sons in jail. I know that many parents have sons it in jail, but I am a literally gut wrenched about all of this. It is so horrifying to me at to be unreal. I was raised very strictly, and in my house we did not even use the word "jail". When I was little, and one of my parents’ friends had to go to jail for a short period of time, they spelled the word "J-A-I-L" at the dinner table when they were talking about it. Not saying that is the best way to handle it, but it is how I was raised. So this is all horribly inconceivable to me. Not that I think I am "above it", just that I never in my wildest dreams imagined it would happen. To my kids.
As far as my husband’s health is concerned, he has been doing pretty well. You might remember he has spent quite a lot of time in the hospital over the last six months with issues regarding bad urinary tract infections that during four of his seven hospitalizations turned into sepsis, and highly erratic blood pressure that went dangerously high/low for some time. Ultimately, they have switched him from intermittent cathing, to having a Foley. That has kept his bladder from getting distended between cathing. which seems to have helped with the BP issues, (due to his disability) but which sets him up with a greater risk of UTI. Just yesterday we found out he does have klebciella again, but luckily, this time, it can be treated with oral meds rather than IV infused meds.
He seems to be leveling out a bit, with his health issues. But he rarely gets out of the bed, except for doctors appointments and, for example, Christmas dinner and giftgiving. For months I have constantly been in a state of "high alert" regarding his declining health. My niece, who is a hospice nurse/Director told me three months ago that she believed that he should consider hospice, and when I ask her if she thought he would qualify for hospice, she said that he most definitely would. Of course, this means that she believes that a doctor would Document that he presently has a health condition that probably would cost him his life within a six month period. But here we are three months or so after his last hospitalization, and he seems to be relatively "OK". Maybe there are things that I cannot see. Maybe she is referring to all of the sepsis, and the damage that could have potentially happened to his organs. I crave knowledge, and so much of this just seems to be hit or miss.
If you have made it this far, with what I’m sure would qualify as this sites longest post EVER, I might as well tell you the latest thing I am facing.
Many, many years ago when our sons were little, I decided to stop working, (I was teaching at a university), to be a stay home mom - H and I agreed. My husband was running a successful company, and our financial future was promising. We got the whole "estate planning/trust" worked up. It included life insurance policies for each of us. They were both (to me) substantial- his being twice as large as mine, due to him being the wage earner. He lost his business to a total scammer, who it turns out has a history of this. We sued, and won a settlement of a TON of money. But, of course, he is either broke, or successfully hid money, and our lawyer’s investigator cannot find ANYTHING. So we almost lost our home, and haven’t seen a penny of that money.
Two days ago I found out that my husband’s life insurance policy, which we have been letting pay for itself with built up cash value while we were dealing with trying to sell our house so as not to lose it completely, needs to start being paid again. It is a very HIGH monthly payment. We also have a "2nd to die" policy for our boys, when both of us are gone. And a smaller policy on me. So, obviously we are "insurance poor". I did the math yesterday, and based on what savings we have at this point, we will be able to pay for our life insurance and living expenses for a little over seven years. Then we will be out of money completely. I have talked to the insurance company, Because I am totally ignorant about these things. They told me that we could not reduce the amount of his policy. It must remain the same amount that it is, and therefore the same payment amount, or just be let go all together. We have spent way too much money to let that go, especially since there would be no way he could get another policy now with his health situation.
That is all pretty scary, right? At least it is to me. It is, "don’t sleep at night, constantly worry, stay in a constant state of fear" kind of scary to me. Because of my husband‘s poor health at this time. Because I worry that at some point my health is going to go and both of us could be needing help. Or what happens if I die first. And I think of my children and grandchildren, and what will become of them.
However, my FWH was able to give me more gut wrenching realities than even the worry of "insufficient funds". When I explained to him that the insurance payments needed to restart at this time, (we had been told by an insurance representative that we had one more year of cash value) he said, Well, we can’t afford that. We will just have to let it go." That sounds like it makes perfect sense. But to me, having been through what he put us through, and considering that chances are high that he will proceed me in death, this situation affects me more than him. (More than likely.)
I do not know why it surprises me. Seriously. After what all has "gone down" (no pun intended) between us. But it hit me like a ton of bricks. That he would say so lightly that we would just let that insurance policy go. The money that I would live on in the event that he dies before me. When I reminded him that there is no way I can live on the Social Security that I get alone, even with our home being paid for, he said he guesses that I would just have to get a reverse mortgage on our home. His lack of giving two shits about me not being able to afford to live has been shattering.
I know. It shouldn’t surprise me.
So, I’ve been up for two nights straight wondering what will become of me if he dies first. (If I die first, he will have my insurance policy, which is much less expensive. Hopefully he could have at least a few years to pay someone to move into the house and take care of him. His sister could possibly move into our home and take care of him and he could pay her. Or, as a last resort, due to his disability, the state will take care of him at a facility. Not ideal, but doable. And, sadly, because his health is quite poor, he is probably not looking at many, many more years.
OTOH, if he dies first, which seems more probable due to his health concerns at this point, without his insurance, I would be at a loss. And he knows this. And yet his response to our new situation with this resumption of paying his high insurance policy every month, is to say "Just let it go." I’m not exactly sure how long we’ve had it, but it has been at least 15 years. The money we have put into that policy is scary, and it will be greatly needed if he goes first. Not to mention that my grandmother who died at 86 is the youngest to die in my family. With my mother dying at 92, and her father at 104. So the odds are that I will have the potential to have many years left, with no sufficient income.
I just feel "spent". I’m afraid for my husband, and for myself. I am hurt that he doesn’t seem to give it a second thought that I could be destitute without that policy. The thought has actually gone through my mind that we just continue to pay it, get a reverse mortgage on our home if/when the other money runs out, and hope that one or the other of us dies before the money is gone. Who thinks like this? And now, because he seems so unconcerned about my welfare if he dies first, and so quick to let his life insurance go, I’m concerned that he will also let the "second to die" policy go so that my sons and grandchildren will have nothing when he dies.
I understand that this is more of a "first world problem". But it is truly keeping me up nights. I told him earlier tonight that I was not going to give it up at this point, that we would just have to start paying for it with our invested money, until all that was gone, then decide what to do. However, it occurs to me that it is HIS life insurance policy, and he can choose to discontinue it, or even change the beneficiary if he decides to do so.
So… Now aren’t you sorry that you wondered "out loud" how I was doing!
Aa always, thanks for listening.
And I have missed being here for the last couple of months so very much. Just seems hard to put it in writing… Seems to make the whole incarcerations, health issues, and potential future financial concerns so much BIGGER when you actually write them down.
I truly hope all of you had blessed holidays. I will try to get caught back up with what is going on with everyone.
❤️❤️❤️
