SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife (let's call her Beth) and I have been married for around a year now. We've been together for about 7 years total and met in a small college in Europe. I would say we have a great relationship. I would do anything for her and she'd do anything for me. We have never fought before and though she has yelled at me for stuff I've done wrong usually I immediately apologize. Same with her. We really do love each other and would take a bullet for each other.

Story:

When I first met my wife in college we chatted almost everyday. I asked her to be my girlfriend, but she initially rejected me as she had just left a relationship. Beth and I still talked everyday and a week later we slept together. The following week I was at a party, got drunk, and ended up sleeping with another girl (let's call her Courtney) and though Beth and I didn't say we were exclusive I feel like it was implied. Courtney and I chatted and agreed to be friends with benefits. At the time in college I felt this wasn't an issue as Beth and I weren't dating. I don't know why I thought this was okay at the time. I was talking to everyday and seeing her weekly to hang out and sleep over and felt emotionally attached to her, but did slept with Courtney twice during that time (3 times total. First time drunk then twice later on sober). I know it's shitty to like someone but still sleep with someone else but I figured since we weren't dating it wasn't a big deal (I was a stupid back then) and would told myself I'd stop if Beth ever liked me back. A month later, Beth told me she grew feelings for me and I immediately asked Beth out. I told Courtney later I was now seeing someone and she said her congrats. Courtney and I haven't slept together after that.

Now Beth is wonderful but, to this day, gets uncomfortably close and physical with other men when she's drunk. I saw this multiple times when we first started dating and it broke my heart. She's never physically cheated on me when drunk afaik but it is not something that I was able to look away on. I was extremely hurt and when I talked to Beth about it she didn't remember (and doesn't to this day when drinking).

I never should've kept in touch with Courtney, but back then I didn't think that it would be an issue. One day, Courtney messaged me and we end chatting and sending nudes to each other.. Though I liked Beth so much, the thought of her drunk just made me act irrationally. I still talked to Beth everyday after this but kept this hidden from her. It was a way of me to cope.. A few months later, Beth gets drunk again and the same thing happened. I was hurt beyond words. I couldnt even blame Beth since she was drunk, but I couldn't let it go either. Later on Courtney asked to grab lunch and afterwards ended up coming over my apartment to hang out. I felt terrible/angry/confused about how Beth acted drunk and my mind was not in the right place. Courtney ended up giving me fellatio in my room. To this day, I don't know if I did this out of anger, to cope, or if I was just horny. However, after that incident I never blamed Beth for acting that way when she got drunk ever again. That day was the last time I got physical with Courtney. We did keep in touch briefly but it was never anything sexual.

I buried this entire memory and actually forgot about this incident over time. Since then I had moved in with Beth and realized the importance of loyalty and trust and feel like I've become a new person in the years. A few years later, Beth and I get married and I randomly get a text from Courtney asking how I've been and to hang out. I had totally forgotten about her. I briefly say hello but make it clear that I'm not interesting in staying in touch with her.

That was last year. I had just blocked out everything in the past but suddenly recently I've been feeling very bad once I realized and remembered what I did... By this point I'd grown and changed and would rather be cheated on than to cheat. I want to confess so badly as I'm feeling terrible about it and scared of being caught. I don't want to lie now that I've fully realized what I'd done in the past, but know this would absolutely kill Beth. I really feel like I was a different person back then and the circumstances were unusual but it's still not an excuse for what I did. I'm prepared to give everything I own to Beth, help her find trust and happiness again even if it's with someone else, but know this will change her forever. I don't know if her heart would be able to take it. I don't care if people will hate me, but I don't want Beth to be humiliated..

I wrote a confession letter to give to Beth, but everyone I spoke to said that the time to confess has passed and it's likely that I should just keep this secret to myself and truly be loyal to Beth going forward. This guilt and fear is getting to my head as I'm not able to focus at work. I want to confess but I realize it would kill Beth. I set up an appointment with a therapist to help guide me through what to do. I figured I'd ask here in the meantime..

I do not blame Beth for her actions when drunk. I could have easily asked Beth to drink less and is not in any way an excuse for what I did.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 9:24 AM, Thursday, January 12th]

[This message edited by qwertasdzxcv at 8:56 PM, Wednesday, January 11th]

If I understood your post correctly, just to summarize the whole story: you cheated on your girlfriend (at the time) when you were dating her, a few years before you got married; and you have been completely faithful with your wife ever since you tied the knot. Is that right?

Knowing how my betrayal had devastated my wife (as all other BS), if I could go back in time I would never, ever even consider cheating.

Now, if you were to tell your wife, she could be fine with it because it happened before you got married; or she could be devastated that you cheated on her and you'll be putting your relationship into a trauma.

Either way, what is the point? to clear your conscience so you can sleep at night? even though it may put a knife through her heart?

Let me put myself on a limb here and say that it's probably a selfish thing to do. If you cheated after getting married then I agree that you must come clean. But if you have been completely faithful to your wife throughout your marriage, you've kept your vow, then why ruin this perfect picture for her?

I would suggest to see a counsellor/therapist to discuss it with them because I doubt if anyone here can really be certain about what would be the right thing to do.

There, that's my 2 cents. I know I've put myself on a limb because some/many people may strongly disagree with me, but that's how I feel.

[This message edited by doninvaun at 11:00 PM, Tuesday, January 10th]

I agree with doninvaun.

*I’m* going to put myself on a limb, now, and say that in my opinion, it’s not really possible to "cheat" without a commitment.

If you’re a different person now, grown up and mature and committed to your wife and your vows, I say stay committed and chalk the whole Courtney thing up to immaturity (reacting to Beth’s drunken behavior by getting a BJ from an ex-FWB) and still being a free agent at the time.

You can put me in the "disagree" camp.

I get that you weren't married yet, but you allowed Beth to make the decision to marry you without giving her what she needed for informed consent. You can't go back in time to come clean before proposing, so now is the next best choice. You're both young and recently wed. If this is a deal breaker for her, she can choose divorce and look back on you as a chapter in her story. Maybe she'll process the feelings and decide she wants to R with you because you realized, however belatedly, that she deserved the truth.

Conversely, if you wait for years, and especially if you have children together, her options will narrow immensely. She'll never be able to have complete NC with you as a co-parent. She'll have to decide whether to stay married for the kids or lose half her time with them. She'll be that much older, with a ticking biological clock, and have less ability to have children with a different partner. Maybe she doesn't want those things. Maybe she'll still want you. But she deserves to make the choice while she is still comparatively free. Every day you hide the truth from her is stealing another day of potential.

We do, on rare occasions, have a BS who says they wish they had never been told. They are a tiny fraction of our BS population compared to those who wish they had been given their agency years earlier.

I also strongly advise you not to say that you forgot about what you did with Courtney. I believe you could have trained yourself not to think about it, but you didn't forget immediately. There were months and years of conscious betrayal before you managed to shove it down into your subconsciousness. It's not a defense, so be careful not to try to use it that way.

It's going to be awful. I won't tell you otherwise. But I think your conscience is giving you the right message here, and I don't believe you should silence it with minimization or with claims that you're protecting her rather than yourself.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 3:45 AM, Wednesday, January 11th]

Whether or not you know it, by keeping such a profound and meaningful secret from her, you are ultimately holding back a piece of yourself from this woman and there will always be a secret between you and this other woman. Beth deserves to have agency to make decisions about her life and her relationship with you based on the truth. The longer you continue to withhold this from her, the worse it could get when she inevitably finds out. How much worse would it be years down the line and you have started a family and let's say that you come out of a surgery under the influence of anesthesia and pain meds and you blurt out something about Courtney and then you have to explain and on top of it now you are adding on potential years of lies that your marriage was built on.

It won't be easy at all, but doing the right thing often never is. This is going to hurt her to be sure, but it is also a unique situation in which over the long haul it could bring you closer together, but in the short term it will create distance and space between. The other thing you could do is put together a timeline and also share with her that you've been no contact with Courtney. Does Courtney know that you are married and that you wish to focus completely on your relationship with Beth? You mentioned that you didn't want to stay in contact with her, but you ever explicitly write in a text/IM/email that you wish no contact from her and that you cannot remain her friend or even friendly with her? If so, I would complete that as well in preparation to tell you wife.